-04-

I'm lying on the couch, and the tv is blaring in the background when my phone rings. "Jesus," I sigh. Reaching forward to grab it from where it lays on the coffee table, I roll my eyes as I read your daughter's name flashing across my screen.

Sliding my thumb across the accept button, I inhale a deep breath before slowly exhaling it. "Yes, Nicky," I whisper. The phone is secure in my hand as I hold it to my ear.

"Gloria! Gloria, thank God! Gloria…"

I pull the phone from my ear and whimper. I don't know she always does that—pants into the phone. She sounds like a winded Golden Retriever.

"Finally! I've been trying you for weeks! What the hell happened, where are you?" she asks. "Why are you ignoring me? Why are you ignoring Ma? Why are you so damn bullheaded?"

"Nicky-"

"You're an idiot!" she exclaims. "How could you just walk away and leave her? This isn't right. You two have been through everything together. I know you're upset-"

I pull the phone from my ear once more and let it dangle in my hand, off the side of the couch. I can hear her as she exclaims her point with passion. Your girl has always been vocal in her words, Red, and we both know how careless she can be her delivery, but today, she's hitting nerves that are still too raw.

I haven't seen you since that day.

Though it's no fault of your own. You've tried to reach out to me. You've left more than a dozen voicemails on my phone. I've listened to them all… sometimes, I play them at night, just so I can hear your voice. It brings me an odd sense of comfort.

This whole thing has been excruciating for me. Though I'm sure it hasn't necessarily been a picnic for you, either.

How has this been for you? I've wanted to ask that… I've wanted so badly to talk to you. It's all just so hard. Harder than when you left me in prison for a year… I know, I know, you didn't really leave me, but still, it was lonely. I haven't felt that way—that alone—in a long time.

You know, my kids have tried to help me through this whole thing. Those guys are truly so sweet. Benny bought me discounted Valentine's Day candy to numb the pain. Isn't my guy a gentleman?

Oh, by the way, they say we're terrible at secrets…. Well, you're the one who is terrible at secrets.

His words. Not mine.

I tried to keep it from them Red, I really did.

I was planning to get through this on my own. You know, the way I get through everything.

All I need is time and some space.

But it seems that is unrealistic. Not even Nicky has given me a moment of peace. She calls me a million times a day, which is probably what she's so upset now. The phone's still secure in my hand, and I can still hear her shouting at me through the receiver. She's angry with me.

I'm sure you're angry too.

I didn't want to hurt you. You know that is the last thing I would ever want to do… it's just that… being with you… when you weren't really with me… it killed. And I know—I know you don't completely understand that. I know Nicky probably doesn't understand it… But I just need time.

I need to grieve the loss of us in silence. Mechanically, I move my thumb against the screen, effectively ending the call with her. I know it's wrong to shut her out—to hang up on her midsentence. I shouldn't treat her like this.

I shouldn't treat you like this. The very least I could do is return your calls.

Because she's right, we've been through too much together.

I'm not trying to hurt you, you know? I'm doing this more to punish myself then I am to punish you. And please, trust me, that knowledge doesn't sit well with me at all. In fact, it makes me feel sick. The loneliness has chilled me to the bone. I've been on the sofa for the last two weeks. I know it sounds crazy. I know we never shared more than a few nights together, but I can't find it in me to sleep in my own bed. Everything just feels so cold and empty, and my two-bedroom, cracker-jack box apartment suddenly feels too big.

God, I wish you were here.

You're probably having a great time with the grandkids or you're distracting yourself with Linda's mess…. Or Lydia? Lida?

Your daughter in law.

I know you've told me a hundred times, but I can never remember her name. In a weird way, she kind of reminds me of that Morello girl Nicky was so hung up on. Cute, but tiring.

You're a lucky woman, Galina, you know that?

You have it all.

I wanted it all with you.

It's just me now, or at least, it will be before too long. My kids are gone, doing whatever young men do, and Lourdes couldn't be less interested in me if she tried. She's been with me my whole life—I can see how after a while I'd lose some appeal.

God, Galina… the thought of being utterly alone like this… possibly for the rest of my life… it's a pill I just can't force myself to swallow.

Rolling onto my side, I catch sight of my favorite photo of us. It's displayed on my tv stand. It is an off guard shot from my last birthday party. A bittersweet sight for me. No one knew we were together, yet every time I look at that picture, I realize that my kids are right. We're hopeless at secrecy.

Isn't it obvious? The way I'm looking at you… the way you're smiling at me. You were wearing a blue dress and had even pinned your hair back. Your makeup was natural, and your lips were pinker then red. You looked good.

And I looked good too. Or at least you said I did.

Looking back on it now, though, I don't see anything overly impressive about jeans and a black and white striped sweater. But I suppose you saw the beauty in it. You saw the beauty in me.

You know you're the first one who has done that? Found something in me worth loving.

Everything is a whirlwind, a tornado of noise and the outside world that drains me.

It's mentally and physically exhausting to have your heart broken. I suppose in our case; however, one could argue that I broke my own heart. I didn't have to push you or walk away. I'm used to sacrificing…and missing out… so why couldn't have suffered in silence just a little longer if I really wanted to be with you'?

Laying here in my own misery, I wonder if I really would have been sacrificing and missing out, though. Because being with you in silence is better than not being with you at all, isn't it?

I'm so into my own head, distracted by my endless thoughts, I don't hear the knocking at the door. I don't hear my phone ringing… and I don't hear you letting yourself in.

I don't realize you're here until you're standing right in front of me.

"You look like hell, Gloria."

My eyes lift to yours and I fire back without missing a beat. "You don't look any better," my brow arches in challenge. "Who tried to drown you in a puddle?"

"Oh, so you knew it was raining?" You pull off your wet coat and throw it down on my coffee table. "I should kick your ass for not getting up to answer the door."

"What are you doing here?" I ask. You and I stare at one another for a time, it still doesn't seem quite real. I don't even realize that I've sat up until I feel the couch dip and realize you have taken it upon yourself to occupy the space next to me. "Who gave you a key?"

"I saw Benny in the stairwell."

"What did you do?" I ask. "Give him ten bucks or something."

"Twenty."

I can't help but smile. "He played you."

"It was money well spent." Your right hand takes its rightful place on my knee and your left is on the base of my neck. You're pulling me to lay against you and I only pretend to resist. "Gloria…." you squeeze my thigh and I can feel your perfectly manicured nails piercing into me through the thin fabric of my pajama pants.

"Galina…"

"I just wanted to see you," you whisper against my head. I can feel your words vibrating against me. You won't let me go and I'm not even sure I want you to. "I haven't heard from you. You haven't returned any of my calls. I was worried about you, Gloria… I miss you."

"You miss me?".

"Gloria…" You adjust your position on the sofa and I immediately fall into you. The comfort you bring me is immeasurable. The natural scent of you is comforting and overwhelming, and though I know how dangerous this comfort is, I just want to drown in it. "I never meant to hurt you." I can feel your mouth moving against the side of my head. "I would never hurt you."

"But you don't want to be with me-"

"That's not true. I do—I do want to be with you," you say.

"But…" I try to move, to pull away, but you won't let me. Your arms are securely wrapped around me. "You don't want anyone to know… you're embarrassed-"

"I was scared," you explain. "Gloria, I was scared. Okay. I would never, ever... ever be embarrassed by you."

"I don't want to be some secret," I say. "I don't want to hide… but… but I don't want to lose you."

You breathe a shaky sigh and I can't tell if it's one of relief or exhaustion. Perhaps a little of both. "I don't want to lose you, either." You say. "I don't… these past few weeks… Gloria… It's been awful. I have missed you every minute of every day."

"God," I sigh. "Galina…" I just want to lay here with you. I don't want to figure it all out right now. I know we'll have to… but I just want to listen to your heart. I just want to listen to it drumming inside of your chest. "What are we doing?" I ask.

"I'm holding you," you say. "Just… Just shut up and let me hold you."

"For how long?"

Your arms tighten around me, and mine tighten around your waist. "Until you tell me to let go."