Sodapop is thirty minutes late. I try to tell myself that he just lost track of time, that he isn't lying dead in a ditch somewhere, but with every second that passes on my watch I fear the worst. At least I finally got Pony to go to sleep, telling him some lie about Soda working late.
So help me, if he comes home drunk I'll strangle him myself.
He finally shows up about fifteen minutes later. I hear the truck engine cut off, and then the slam of a door… make that two doors. Steve must be planning to stay here tonight, which is fine, but if my brother thinks that is going to get him out of a lecture he has another thing coming.
Finally he comes in, but instead of Steve trailing behind him it's goddam Diana Hayes. I get to my feet so fast I almost knock over the recliner. "What is she doing here?" I ask hotly. "Why are you late?"
I have never once had a friend from high school over to my house. And if I had to choose one to see where I lived it wouldn't be Diana. She isn't a Soc by any means, but she comes from a much better neighborhood than this.
"She needs a ride home, Dar. I told her you'd give her one."
"You don't have to," Diana interjects quickly. "I can call my dad to pick me up. Or a friend."
I can feel the muscles in my head throbbing, and I give my brother a look. If he wants to rescue every stray female he comes across that's his business, but I don't see why I need to participate. But I especially don't want Diana's dad coming around and seeing our house. We already have enough problems with the state.
I snatch the keys out of Soda's hands, giving him a look that I hope says I'll deal with him when I get home. He just grins at me. That's the problem with being the guardian of someone you're only four years older than: I can put the fear of God into Ponyboy with no problem, but Sodapop and I have always been more like equals. I thought Ponyboy would be my problem, but Soda ain't proving to exactly be a walk in the park.
I don't even say anything to Diana on the way out, but I hear her hurried goodbye to Soda and then her scrambling after me. I get in and am almost backing the truck out of the driveway before she opens the door and hops in.
"You didn't have to drive me, Darrel." She sounds about as angry as I feel. "I could have walked."
"Don't be ridiculous," I snap.
She doesn't say anything else. I'm trying not to speed too fast, eager as I am to put as much distance as I can between Diana and Tulsa's east side. Driving has been been hard for me to do ever since my parents died. I almost miss the soft touch of her fingers on my arm and she has to say my name a few times before I realize she is talking to me.
"I'm sorry," she says when she has my attention. "I realize you were worried about your brother. He told me he was already late. But he helped me out of a rather difficult situation. I'm sorry that I'm inconveniencing you. If you just want to drop me off at-"
"I'll take you home."
"Okay." She settles back down into silence once more.
When the houses start getting a bit nicer, I relax a bit. "So what was this 'difficult situation' Sodapop helped you out of?"
"Oh, well, it's rather embarrassing really. D'you know Joanna Carmichael?"
"Can't say I do."
"We have some classes together. Art classes, mostly. I went to a party with her. She introduced me to this guy, and we didn't exactly hit it off. So I went outside to wait for Joanie, and the guy followed me. Your brother happened to be out there and he was nice enough to tell the guy to leave me alone. And then Soda offered me a ride home. I didn't know he was going to make you do it."
"Yeah, lucky me," I grumble. "Soda didn't hit him or anything, did he?" He didn't look like he'd been in a fight, but with Soda you never know.
"Of course not!" She sounds horrified at the thought. "He just told the guy to leave me alone and he did."
An idea is dawning on me. "What kind of place was this?"
"I don't know. It was a house. Lots of cowboy types around."
"Nothing but country playing on the radio?" I ask, and when she nods I can't help but hit the steering wheel. "Dammit, I told him to stay away from that place!"
"Yeah, it seems kind of rough," she agrees.
I snort. "Our whole damn neighborhood is 'rough', in case you didn't notice, but Buck sells pills and God knows what else. I don't want my brothers there." Especially not now, I think, but don't add.
Diana doesn't say anything, and when I sneak a glance over at her she looks kind of uncomfortable. I'm suddenly conscious of the fact that I've sworn in front of her several times tonight, and she isn't a girl from my part of town. Not that I should swear in front of any girl, that's what my dad always taught us, but a girl from my side of town is more likely to start swearing back.
"I'm sorry," I offer lamely, my ears burning. "Language and all…"
"It's okay. I'm sure my dad will have similar feelings if he finds out where exactly I've been tonight."
I glance at my watch. "It's almost one. Are you late?"
"Quite late," she says. "I'll probably be grounded for at least a week."
"Oh." I don't know what to say to that. That I wish I still had parents who cared where I was? That she should be grounded for not listening?
"Well I can't say it will matter too much. I haven't had much of a social life since Paul and I broke up."
"You've gone to two parties this week."
She laughs. "An outlier. Usually I stay in."
"What happened to that Lucy girl you used to be friends with?" I remembered her best friend mostly because Paul couldn't stand her.
"She went to some all-girl's school in Texas. Her fiance picked it out for her."
"Her fiance picked out her college?"
"You remember Lucy don't you? If you were going to marry her, wouldn't you?"
I do remember Lucy. She dated every guy on the football team, me included. So there might be more than one reason I remember Diana's best friend. Hastily I change the subject. "You didn't want to go to an all-girl's school?"
"It's a Christian college," she clarifies.
"Ok?"
"I'm Jewish. They don't want me there. Besides, Paul was here. I mean, at least until he wasn't." She goes quiet again.
I don't know why, but it kind of surprises me that Diana doesn't already have another boyfriend, or at least a regular date on Friday night. Not that I was checking out my best friend's girl or anything, but Diana is real attractive and she was always popular.
"We all, I mean, the guys on the team and I, we thought Paul was a real jerk to you," I offer, like it makes a difference.
She laughs. "Okay. I don't want want to talk about Paul. How are you, Darrel?"
"Darry."
"Yeah, that's what you said last night, isn't it? I forgot."
And just like that my ears are burning again. Because it was only last night I was kissing her. Is that what she is alluding to? She isn't looking at me, so I can't tell. I know it was wrong to kiss her. I know that. Maybe she wants an apology? Maybe she thinks I'm into her now? I don't know what to say or do, so it is with relief that I pull into her driveway.
"Do you want me to walk you to the door?" I ask. Her porchlight is on, but the door is shut tight. I probably should walk her up, but I'm still sort of agonizing over the fact that I kissed her.
She smiles at me. "Are you that eager to get shot by my dad? I'm a big girl, I think I can make it across my own lawn."
"Okay." I'm relieved, but I still kind of feel like an asshole as she gets out of the truck and scurries across the yard.
As I pull out of the driveway I try very hard to forget everything about Diana. Now that I've dropped out (it still makes me sick to think about) I'm not likely to see her again. At least I hope not.
xx
I don't know when I'm going to stop measuring time by the death of my parents.
At first it was one day, then two, then seven. And now it has been two weeks. I have been in charge of my brothers for two weeks. I have been a college dropout for two weeks. It feels like forever.
At least I found a pretty good job roofing houses. It seems pretty straightforward, so even though it's only my second day on the job I've pretty much got the hang of it. It's just...boring.
It's not that I don't have a lot to think about up here on this roof. It's the opposite. I have a hard time keeping my mind focused on the task at hand . I find myself worrying about everything while I'm up here. Mostly about raising my brothers.
Soda will be seventeen in October. And then I'll only be responsible for him for another year. That doesn't seem so bad. But Ponyboy is only thirteen. He won't be fourteen until June. And after that I'll be responsible for him for four years. That is, I roughly calculate as I nail another shingle to a roof, 1,460 days give or take. There is so much I can screw up in 1,460 days. There was no question of whether I would accept guardianship of my brothers, absolutely none, but it feels so much like walking into a field of landmines without a map.
I wonder if my mom felt the same way when I was born.
Maybe once Pony is safely in college I can think about going back to school myself. I can do that. Roof houses for a few years and then go back to school. I have a bunch of classes out of the way already. But until then, I have to make sure Soda and Pony are okay. Mom and Dad would want me to. So I can't go back to school, I can't play football anymore, and I certainly can't take Diana Hayes out on Friday night.
I frown, unsure of where that last part came from. I don't plan to see Diana again at all. I have enough problems; a girl, steady or otherwise, is pretty much the last fucking thing I need.
I pause, staring down at the section of roof I'm working on. I'm so grateful when someone shouts that it's lunch time. I climb down off of the roof, happy that now I only have a few more hours to go.
xx
When I get home, I'm met with even more worries. Soda and Pony are pretty good about cleaning, usually, but with both of them in school and Soda working part time, the house gets dirty faster than we can clean it up. I never really thought about it before, but maybe we need some sort of chore list so everything gets done. There is no way I'll get to keep my brothers if this place looks like a pig sty.
Already upset, I manage to make dinner. When we sit down and eat no one speaks. It suits me just fine, honestly. We finish and immediately I head to my room where I pull out a stack of bills, some already overdue. I lay them all out on my bed, picking each one of them up and examining the total due.
We've never been rich. My dad worked hard, but he liked to drink and had a temper, so his work was never exactly steady. My mom sometimes cleaned houses and got paid under the table, but more often than not she had enough to deal with raising three boys. I don't know how they paid the bills. I don't know how to do this.
I should have asked them while they were alive. I should have asked them so many things, but I was always so self-absorbed, not caring for anything more than getting myself out of here. And now I'm stuck here, and I don't know what to do. I don't know how I'm going to make this work.
Just when I think I'm going to explode, there is a knock at my door. Without waiting for an invitation, Soda pokes his head in. "Can I come in?"
I shrug. He comes inside my room, plopping himself at the end of the bed. The bills shift. I sigh, gathering them up. They'll still be there tomorrow I guess.
"Ponyboy thinks you're mad at him."
I look up from the bills. "I'm not. I'm still mad at you for goin' to Buck's."
Soda grins, unphased. Sometimes I'm jealous of my brother and his ability to let everything roll off his back. He is like Dad in that way. I'm more like Mom, despite being Dad's practical twin. Dad always came home happy, even when he'd been laid off. I can't get that.
"Come on, if I hadn't gone I'd have left your girl there all by herself-"
"She ain't my girl," I snap, feeling my patience wearing thin. "What exactly do you want?"
"You payin' bills?"
I shrug. "Trying to."
"How bad off are we?" He asks.
"You don't need to know that." I get up and throw the bills into my desk. "You and Pony just concentrate on school and I'll figure this out."
'That's bullshit, Darry." Even though he is swearing at me, his voice is calm. "I make a lot of money at the DX part time-"
"You are not dropping out," I hiss.
"But I could-"
"You are not dropping out!" I say it louder this time, slamming the desk drawer shut. "Jesus, what would Mom say?"
"Dad always said you don't need an education to make an honest livin'"
Well he was wrong, is what I want to say, but I can't get it out. I'm not ready to start criticizing my parents yet. I sit back down on my bed, running my hand through my hair.
"Look, let me try to do this. Let me try. And if we still can't make ends meet, we can talk about it then."
He bounces up and gives me a hug. "Thanks, Darry! You know I ain't no good at school anyway-"
"I said we'd talk about it Soda." I pull away and study his face. "I didn't say you could. You understand that right?"
"Yeah, yeah, I hear ya. Hey, listen. Try to lighten up, okay? You're really scaring Ponyboy."
And with that happy little thought, Soda bounces off. He slams the door behind him. I bury my face in my hands. I can't stand the thought of Soda dropping out. Maybe I should look into getting a second job.
