Chapter 3: Office Memo
Rating: T
Source: A site called CITEHR
To: All Marines
From: Fleet Admiral Akainu
Dear JUSTICE upholders,
It is advised that all marines to come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing designer knickers and carrying a glittering bag we assume that you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Personal Days:
Each marine will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
Lunch Breaks:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average size. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to fight under the name JUSTICE.
Restroom Use:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the Marine HQ bulletin board under the "Chronic Offender" category.
Surgery:
As long as you are employed here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed will constitute a breach of employment.
Hallway:
Those who walks slow along the hallway will get a heavy penalize. That is to say, shuffling their feet like zombies while taking up the entire passageway will not be tolerated. Pasifistas with motion detector will be placed at every corner and those shuffling in insufficient speed will be blasted on the spot.
Thank you for your loyalty to the military sea force. We are here to maintain a law and order throughout the world and impose the will and might of the World Government. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, and input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week.
