"Kuroko, practice has been over for hours, we were supposed to meet at Maji Burger but you never sho- … Are you okay?"
The door was left wide open as Kagami rushed across the room. It's not like I meant for the door to be open though it made sense since I don't remember locking it. I tried to sit up, to stop crying … I was failing. I don't even remember when I started crying. I was falling. I hadn't felt like this since the day it had ended.
The day he just walked away.
I was still sobbing when Kagami got to me, pulling me to his chest and enveloping me in a tight, warm hug. The likes of which I hadn't experienced in such a long time. It was nice, it was comforting, … it was familiar. They were so similar, yet, completely different.
"What's wrong? You can tell me." He murmured quietly into my ear, and I cried harder. I didn't want him to see me like this. I didn't want anyone to see me like this. I dropped the jacket and the Teiko yearbook I had been looking at from my hands, fisting them instead, in the front of Kagami's shirt.
"Don't." I managed to get out between the gasps for breath and the sobs wracking my body. I'm sure I was a right mess by now, that I was getting him completely soaked in tears and snot. Gee, wasn't that a lovely thought.
"Don't what?" He asked quietly, patiently, waiting for an answer.
"Don't tell," I sniffed, swallowing the bile and phlegm that had gathered in the back of my throat. "Don't tell anyone." I paused, a "please" leaving my lips so quietly that even I could hardly make it out. The arms around me tightened and I could feel him nod in agreement.
"Of course not, who do you take me for? Koganei senpai?" he chuckled slightly, but it died before it became a real laugh–– the mood not lightening in the slightest.
"No one."
"I promise. Kuroko, what's wrong. Why are you crying all alone like this?"
I pushed him away, wiping my nose on my arm and threw the infernal book across the room, the same direction as my phone, it was pissing me off anyway, reminding me of such happy times. Why couldn't things just go back to how they were? I picked up the jacket I had been clinging to. It wasn't like a lifeline, … it was a lifeline. It was the last connection I had to my life with him and I missed it. I needed it, I craved it. Without it, I'd fall to even more pieces, pieces that would scatter to the winds as they blew me passed, leaving me a puzzle with pieces missing so as to never be put back together ever again. Or at least, … that's how it felt. Like a part of me was missing. Like I was empty, that nothing could ever make me whole again. For so long now I had been keeping it to myself … the thought of another person knowing scared me. Especially that other person being Kagami.
I clutched the jacket to my chest as I backed away from Kagami, my head falling to smother myself in the lump of fabric in my arms. It hardly smelled like him at all anymore. I took in a deep long breath, smelling the jacket, smelling him, remembering, breaking, wishing for it all to go back to the way it was.
"Kuroko."
I shook my head, pushing his hand away as he reached for me. I wasn't about to tell him.
"Go." I croaked. "Please. I'm sorry." my voice hitched, and I could feel my breath catch in my throat. I didn't have to look up to know that he was disgruntled. That he was glaring at me but that it was concern, not hate. I knew he didn't like that I was keeping secrets from him. But I couldn't let him in. It was a bad idea. A terrible idea.
Once he had left - I could hear the door, both my room and the front, click behind him - I pulled the large jacket on once more over my own. Even if it didn't smell like him anymore, it was still a fond memory. My eyes were blurry and I couldn't keep them open any longer as the last few tears dripped down my cheeks as I curled back into myself on the floor. Crying, being sad. It was exhausting.
I must have fallen asleep like that since the first thing I noticed when I came back around was that it was dark outside my window. The second was that I wasn't alone. Kise was sitting on my bed, staring at me with a stern look in his eye. It didn't fit him.
"Doesn't anyone knock anymore?" I muttered, sitting up and rubbing the sleep from my eyes. My cheeks felt tight with the dried tear stains. But I paid them no mind.
"How often?" There was no bite to Kise's words as I would have thought there should be with that look he was giving me.
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"Kurokocchi. … Why did you hide the jacket? The reason we got rid of the other stuff was because you would cry yourself to sleep every night and we were worried. … Kagamicchi texted me. He said you were acting weird. I didn't think much of it until he mentioned the jacket." That traitor! He said he wouldn't tell! He promised he wouldn't say anything!
"He didn't mention you crying if that's what you're glaring about … he didn't need to. As soon as he mentioned Aominecchi's Jacket … I ran straight here. "Do you know when Kuroko got his new sweatshirt? It's way too fuckin' big for him, you should tell him to return it." was what he told me."
"What do you care? None of you did anything." I muttered as I stood up to wash my face. As I headed towards the washroom Kise cut me off.
"I do care! We all care! That's why I'm here! That's why we got rid of all of Aominecchi's things for you!" He pulled me to him, my second hug today, lucky me. "Kurokocchi, please. How often do you cry like this?" He asked softly and I wanted to retch. All this fake caring, and compassion and the soft voices like I was about to break. None of it did any good, I was already broken. I could hardly breathe without him and no one seemed to get that.
"Go home Kise kun, go back to work, or wherever you came from. Just leave me alone."
"No." His arms tightened around me. "You can hit me, yell at me, whatever you want … but I'm not leaving you like this." I shoved at him, trying to break free … it wasn't working.
"I don't need––"
"You do!" Pulling me to the wall with him, we both slid down and I sat there, my back to Kise's chest now, my head on my knees as I held them to me. I suppose … Maybe I could trust Kise with this much …
"Why does love hurt?" I muttered, eyeing the Teiko yearbook just across from us, I couldn't quite reach it. But Kise could. He picked it up, flipping through the pages till he landed on the one of our Basketball team. All of us were smiling and looked like we were having the time of our lives. I was in the middle, Daiki was behind me, his arms draped over my shoulders and his chin resting on my head. Akashi and Kise to my left and right. Murasakibara with a bag of chips, as always, just behind Akashi on the left, and Midorima on the other side of Kise on the right. It was a nice memory. I could almost feel the waterworks about to start again.
"It hurts because it was real." He paused and set the book down again, closing it gently. "You can cry Kurokocchi, no one would blame you … just don't keep it to yourself. The rest of us are here for you ya' know."
"Rest?"
"Yeah! Midorimacchi, me, Akashicchi, even Murasakibaracchi!" I couldn't help the chuckle that passed my lips.
"Midorima and Murasakibara kun too?"
"Yeah. All of us. And … maybe, you should tell Kagamicchi too?"
"Why? So he has another reason to hate Daiki? To compete with him?"
"Out of everyone you have the most right to hate Aominecchi!" ignoring Kise's outburst, I continued.
"I don't want them fighting because of me. I don't want … I think … I'm going to quit."
"WHAT?! All because of stupid Aominecchi?! No! You can't do that! We all promised! You can't do that! You can't, you can't, you CAN'T!"
"It's my choice. I'm no where near as good as the rest of you. I can't shoot, I can barely dribble; all I'm good at is passing. And anyone can do that."
"Not like Kurokocchi can! No one can pass like you!"
"But do my passes really make that much of a difference? I mean honestly, I'm pretty much useless against Daiki and I don't have enough stamina to really play a game." I sniffed, pushing back the overwhelming wave of sadness that threatened to wash over me at any second.
"But that's just Aominecchi, and I'm sure that you put him on edge too. And there are ways to bring up your endurance. Please don't quit Kurokocchi!"
"But it hurts. I don't like this pain in my chest." I screwed my eyes shut. "Every time I see Daiki or Kagami, it hurts. It hurts a lot."
"Quitting won't solve anything!"
"Yes it will!"
"No, if you quit then everyone would just be super worried about you! Kagamicchi goes to school with you; do you really think you can avoid him? And I'm sure that as soon as Aominecchi gets wind of it, he'll call you out on it too! … What about the rest of us?" I heard him sniff and felt a drop on my head. Kise was crying now too fantastic.
"It's just too cruel to quit now. Please don't." He mumbled into my neck. "Not after everything you've done for us."
"Then make it go away."
"Hypnotism?" He was half joking but I could hear that he was trying to help at least. " … What if Aominecchi fell in love with you again?"
"Can you do that?" It was empty hope but hope none the less and I almost felt it … until he spoke again, my heart dropping to my stomach.
"I don't know, we could try … or you could find someone else … Kagamicchi seems to like you a lot …"
"I can't fall in love again … especially not with another light. It didn't work out the first time and I don't wanna repeat. It's all Kagami kun's fault anyway!" I could feel him wince.
"I see … So that's why you want to quit? Because Kagamicchi and Aominecchi are too similar?"
I nodded. That was about the gist of it. I felt him rest his head on the top of my own as he seemed to be trying to calm down. I don't know when but at some point while we were talking I had dropped my left arm to the floor and now I could feel Kise's fingers on the sensitive skin of my under arm. Stiffening I pulled my arm back as if I had been bitten. He didn't need to see those. No one needed to see those, the signs of my weakness, of my emptiness. I'm glad it wasn't the other arm. I glanced to it, it had been a while since the last time, a week, maybe two, and I could still feel the sensation of blood trickling down my arm. The way a small amount would start pooling in my hand till I moved it and let it drip onto the floor.
"Why would you do that to yourself Kurokocchi?" he asked quietly, it was almost a whisper, but I could hear it as if he had screamed it. The disappointment in his voice was crushing. He was probably mad, furious, disgusted, repulsed. Why wasn't he letting go of me? Pushing me away? He should have. I refused to answer. The answer was obvious after all. I needed to feel alive. To feel something other than the biting darkness of depression, something that wasn't heartache. "This isn't the answer. Aominecchi wouldn't be happy if he knew."
"Why would Daiki know?" I asked sullenly, fingering the scabbed over hatch marks on my arms. There were four of them going acrossed both of my wrists. If you looked close enough you could see the stains on the wood floor next to my bed, could feel the dozens of other scars up my wrists. I hid them under my sweatbands most of the time. But would anyone really notice if I didn't? I'm invisible anyway.
"Because I would have to tell him."
"No." I was drained. I didn't have it in me to argue, I could hardly keep this conversation up. Despite of the many hours of sleep I had just woken up from I was still tired. My body was heavy and I couldn't keep my eyes open no matter how hard I tried.
"Akashicchi would have to have words with you as well."
I shook my head as he spoke.
"You don't have to tell anyone." I turned my head upward to get a better look at him. "It could just be our little secret."
"Kurokocchi, this is bigger than that." He hugged me tighter. "What if you end up killing yourself?"–– he obviously didn't understand. Of course I knew I could die. That's why I did it. "How could I possibly live with myself if that happened and the police asked if anyone knew you had a tendency of self harm and I said I knew but never told anyone? Or worse yet, didn't speak up at all. Not to mention how angry everyone else would be at me for keeping it secret." I felt another sigh coming on. I knew he was right. I knew that and even still I didn't want him to tell anyone.
But he had to.
He was obligated to.
"Kise kun …" I murmured. It was a desperate attempt, a last ditch effort … but what else did I have to lose? My distraction was waning. I was about to be outed. I needed some solace in this empty, pitiful excuse of a human life.
"Yes Kurokocchi?" my former teammate asked as he adjusted himself to look down at me at a better angle.
I couldn't see straight anymore. My lids were so heavy and the warmth was so nice. My eyes couldn't focus on anything, all I saw above me was a yellow blur. I reached up and touched his cheek. It was so soft … so completely unlike what I expected, and yet, exactly as I should have thought. It was unmistakably Kise. And I needed that.
The warmth of his hand over my own as I touched him was amazing, and oh so very welcomed. "Please … don't tell … just, stay here with me?" I pulled his face down to mine and we shared a sweet first kiss. Nothing like what my first kiss with Daiki had been, but for Kise, it was pretty good. It was nice. It was simple. It was sweet.
It was simply Kise.
But, like I had surprised him, he surprised me. He pulled away, blushing like a virgin. You'd think someone as pretty and popular as he was wouldn't blush like a middle school girl after a kiss with his male friend.
"W-w-what was that for?" he stuttered. He was adorable. LIke a puppy almost. His big yellow eyes accented by those feminine lashes looked down at me. I could feel the shock, confusion, the hesitance that radiated off of him. There was no awkwardness. I suppose that meant that it had been okay? Maybe.
I frowned.
"I wanted to kiss you." I answered simply.
"B-but, why?!" I slumped forward, a sigh on my lips once more. "Eh, Kurokocchi? Kurokocchi, what's wrong? Did I hurt your feelings?" I could hear the panic in his voice as I felt myself close to the edge. Why was I so tired? My body, not just my lids, felt like lead. Lifting anything was just too much work. My head felt like it weighed a thousand pounds, the most I could do with it was turn to almost face Kise. Where was that throbbing coming from too? Shaking my head to alleviate the pressure didn't work it seemed. It also seemed Kise took that as an answer as he gave a relieved sigh and I could feel him relax some of the tension that had built up during the very short kiss. Oh well. He hadn't, so I suppose that worked.
"I just need someone. Please?" I muttered wistfully.
"I'm here for you Kurokocchi, but … not like that. I don't think it's healthy for you to try and attach yourself to me just to replace Aominecchi. I can't …" He seemed unsure of his own words, but I understood.
"Will you help me to the bed then … I can hardly feel my legs anymore."
"Yeah."
He helped me up and we managed to stumble over to the bed, once I made contact I curled in on myself. My arms pulled in tight to my chest. I just wanted sleep. "If … If you want, I could stay the night with you, if it would help." Kise offered quietly.
"No." I murmured. That wouldn't help at all. Not if you weren't going to stay with me the way I wanted, the way I needed.
"Are you sure?"
I nodded. "Go."
I heard him sigh. "Fine. Sleep well, Kurokocchi."
Once he was gone I could try to sleep again, I was hardly able to keep my eyes open any longer anyways.
I suppose it was the next morning when I next woke up, it must have been. My alarm was blaring in my ear and I couldn't quite reach it while still staying cozy and warm under the blankets. Damn my brain for being smart enough to get me out of bed in the mornings. Groaning I rubbed the crusted sleep from my eyes and sat up. My hair, I could feel, was a mess. Just as it always was, so it was nothing new really. I counted to three and then threw the covers from my body. The cold hitting me like a ton of bricks. Stepping onto the wooden floor of my room I cursed under my breath.
"Fuck." Why must everything be fucking icicles in the morning? Why, for once, couldn't I wake up to a nice warm floor and a room not feeling like it's below zero? I looked in my mirror as I passed it on my way to the bathroom and sighed. Yeah. Today would be a shitty day too. Not to mention I still had to play against Kise. I swear, the universe was just laughing and giving me the finger. Why was everything in my life just so messed up?
Because he left.
No. That would be stupid. My life doesn't revolve around Daiki.
There are several cuts on the inside of your arm that say otherwise.
Okay, you know what, brain? Fuck you too.
I am only telling you what you already know.
Yeah, well maybe I don't want to remember. Ever think of that? … Dammit, I'm arguing with myself now. Fantastic. It was only then that I noticed my phone going off. How long had it been doing that? Walking over to the wall where I had left it, I picked it up, only to see two new messages from Kise.
6:45AM [Good morning Kurokocchi. I still want to go to dinner with you after the match.] - Kise
6:47AM [But, only if you're okay with it. … I won't push Kagamicchi coming as well if you don't want him to.] - Kise
I rolled my eyes and dropped the device back to the floor before getting back up to go and brush my teeth. If I didn't show up today then I was really done for. Whatever Riko had planned for me, I guess I'd just have to deal with it.
And now, We're nearly where I've stopped.
Let me know how this sounds so far ... I don't usually write like this and it's weird and hard and confusing and I hate it. But I really wanted to try unreliable narrator. That reason alone was probably what spurred this on. ... maybe after it's all done I'll go back and make it all one big long chapter.
~ Evi
