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Never Paint A Moustache On A Warrior Princess
by Kamouraskan
Part Four
A long time passed between the writing of these chapters. I remember that summers were warmer back then, we called turkeys, walking birds...and Thanksgiving was called Walking Bird Day...and we all wore onions on our belts, because that was the style of the time...
Sorry. I suffer from Multiple Simpson Personality Disorder. Where were we?
******
Ah yes, We're off on the Road to Potadaia, and Gabrielle was flying fairly high. Charging along on top of Argo, off to rescue Xena, she had decided that, what the hey? Maybe she could stand being six feet of deadly skilled warrior, with a killer vocal range for a while. So, generally things were going pretty good for her.
We can't let that continue, can we?
******
Seraphin abruptly stood up at stared down at the prisoner. "Damn it, Xena. This is going to screw up my scam royally. Gabrielle might have cooperated for old times sake, but you're not exactly known for going along. We'll have to tell your supposed Daddy." She stomped over to the door and bellowed, "Herodotus!"
There was some scuffling and shuffling and finally that worthy stuck his head in the door. Seraphin pointed at the bound woman. "This isn't Gabrielle!" A quick glance confirmed for Herodotus, that as butch as she might look, it WAS his daughter.
"I know she's changed..." he started.
Seraphin cut him off. "Look, I know it's Gabrielle's body, but Xena's soul is inside it."
Now Herodotus didn't accept this, of course. But there was a part of him that had to consider that if Xena was involved, anything was possible.
Hoping to nudge the man in another direction, Xena smiled ingenuously and said sweetly, "Father? I think that Seraphin has been having a few too many... adventures, if you know what I mean?"
Herodotus considered this slowly, then nodded towards the dead man in the wheelchair. "What does he say about this?"
Seraphin gave a muffled shriek of frustration, and threw her hands in the air.
Xena continued her innocent smiling. "Daddy? I think what is important right now, is that you untie me before Xena gets here. I'm guessing she's on her way, and I have reason to believe she may already be just a little more than usually, ummm, manic?"
"We have a welcoming committee planned for that." Herodotus smirked. "You think that you're so smart? Girl, your murdering warlord is going to be stopped cold. We have a new Potadaian Uniformed Militia!"
Xena choked out, "Potadaian Militia? Uniformed?"
Seraphin grimaced and explained. "You know the Potadaian Chorus? He figured since they already had those chorale outfits..."
The strapped warrior stared at the man. "Let me understand this. You've set up the Potadaian Chorus to try and stop Xena in full battle mode?"
Herodotus was smug. "I've had time to plan, daughter. I have the one group of soldiers that Xena will never even attempt to defeat. These are all of your childhood friends and teachers! She won't dare to hurt anyone who means anything to you. Will she?"
Would she? Xena's apprehension grew. "Dad? You don't want to put her to any tests... Xena isn't really herself right now... and there are Gods involved. They have a tendency to try teach mortals lessons, and not everyone survives them. I'm safe enough here, but ... my partner is out there somewhere and whatever is going to happen ..."
In case this wasn't enough foreshadowing, there was a strobing flash from the window, immediately followed by a deep rumble. Xena blanched. Seraphin leaned down to calm the warrior.
"That's really neat! Gabrielle was always afraid of lightning, and her body must still react to it. Must feel weird, huh? I bet normally you get a rush from the electricity of a big storm."
Behind a wan grin, Xena was cringing. "I HATE lightning...but I got over that...once I had Gabrielle to tease...'
******
So, not too far away, Gabrielle was still blissfully riding along. Completely oblivious to the fact that her warrior princess senses were tingling furiously. Only very gradually becoming conscious that it had suddenly gotten very dark, and the humidity was about one hundred percent.
It wasn't until a big fat raindrop hit her right on the nose that that she began to feel the chill. Then another struck (and that is the word) her collar bone. Then another, and another.
Heavy, chubby raindrops.
The wind began to rise. A quick succession of thoughts flashed through her mind. 'Storm. Big. Damn! Eve! Potadaia. How far?
Okay.
'What would Xena do? Gabrielle would dither about, weighing all the options and end up not making any decision. But Xena would think it through and decide. Bang. And stick to it.
Okay, I'm just on the outskirts of the grazing lands, I keep riding.'
So without dismounting, she swung Eve's pack around front and pulled a tarp from the saddle bags and wrapped it around the child with care. Eve's eyes stared out at the world in wonder and Gabrielle gave her a quick kiss before carefully covering her up.
Off on the horizon, a bolt of lightning connected with the ground and the sound rolled across the valley and struck her with surprising physical force. For a terrifying moment, she trembled in sympathy with the air around her. She leaned protectively over Eve, as the rain now began in earnest. Drenching sheets poured down, blinding her and Argo but she pressed on. The ground was a succession of brackish puddles that began to flow together. But still she pressed on. The downy hairs on her neck and arms stood up just before another blinding flash occurred, and the answering explosion of thunder caused her to almost jump out of her skin. She growled at the sky.
"DAMMIT Xena! You ARE afraid of Lightning storms! All this &%*!!! time... and you, I could (something,something) KILL YOU!"
Slightly comforted by the idea of beheading the one she loved above all, she concentrated on holding onto her nerve for the child's sake.
The path was fast becoming a small stream swirling downhill, beginning to gouge out a gully as rains from the hills joined it. The air shattering slams of the thunder were now coming almost on top of the lightning strikes. There was no light provided by the black overcast sky between the blinding flashes, but even so, Gabrielle attempted to guide Argo along the edge of the road. The frantic energy of horse and rider was feeding both their panics, and unable to see through the rain that pelted her in buckets, she stood up in the stirrups. She was shielding her eyes, trying to find some kind of shelter, when one of Zeus' bolts sheered a tree just to her left at the same moment as Argo's right hoof encountered a pothole. Even a battle trained war-horse couldn't maintain her rider under those conditions and Gabrielle was jerked sideways while still standing, one foot tearing from the stirrup. Even as she fell to the ground, she instinctively clutched protectively at the bundle strapped to her stomach, rather than the horse. But one foot did not release. Her head and shoulders were dragged through mud and rock for a distance before Argo finally calmed and came to a halt. Almost unconscious Gabrielle tore her foot free and collapsed on the spongy grass.
Groggily, and over the wailing of the storm, she heard the screams of her child, and concentrated on remaining conscious. Thanking the Fates, she was able to confirm that Eve was afraid, but not hurt. The storm continued to shriek about her, but the lightning illuminated the land, revealing an old temple. Blood was pouring from several small cuts on her forehead and shoulders, but the stinging pain and the fear for the safety of the child were the only things keeping her conscious. She half stumbled, half crawled towards the ruin, Eve's crying tearing at her heart. Eventually collapsing under the remaining doorway, she felt as though failure had taken on a crushing physical weight. But unlike Eve, she refused to cry.
******
So what about Xena, while all this serious stuff was going on?
Warm, cozy, but still tied up, Xena's strategy to talk her way out of her ropes was maintaining its position as Plan A, and she and Seraphin were bonding happily.
Munching on a cracker, Xena asked: "You know, 'Daddy's' plan might have worked with me, but how do you think Gabrielle is likely to react?"
Seraphin chortled. "You mean when she meets all those friends from her childhood? All the kids and teachers that treated her like crap and made traveling with you seem like such a good idea? And assuming that she's as aggressive in your body now, as you are mellowed out?"
"That would sum it up pretty well. So?"
"They're goat food." she said with great satisfaction.
Xena chewed on that and the cookie for a time before speaking "Part of me is saying that this is a bad thing."
"Ignore it." advised Seraphin. "Hearing little voices is something I think this village does to women. I should know, trust me." She patted Xena on the shoulder familiarly. "Hey, you're just visiting. Imagine being brought up here. I remember when Gabrielle made this push for sex education. After a big fight, they finally brought in a healer, who read us a pamphlet. I remember it started off "You may have noticed, between your legs...."
Mutual antipathy forgotten, Xena began to giggle. Seraphin slid down beside and continued, grinning. "It wasn't any better for the guys, Perdicus told me the schoolmaster took all the boys aside, sat them down, and said solemnly. "If you touch It, It will fall off.' Then they sent them all home figuring that would keep the little buggers in line for a while."
Xena cracked up. "No wonder Gabrielle was doing all that reading before we first..." she gasped out. Both young women were roaring now, when Xena noticed that where Seraphin's skirt rode up, there were a series of tattoos revealed. Mainly slogans like "Repossess Me" and "Heavens' Above, when Dahok's Below"
"Sera? Are those tattoos real?" she inquired.
"What? Oh, God's no. They're just to convince the rubes how I've changed. They're not really permanent. I did them myself and they come off in a month of so. Why?"
Xena smiled. "I like 'e. And I was just wondering if you could do me a favour? Since this body isn't going anywhere for a bit, I was thinking... see this moustache? Do you know what 'paybacks' are?"
*******
Now if you were feeling that it was unfair that Xena having this lovely pajama party with her new pal, while Gabrielle was lying about, shattered by crushing regret, remorse and failure? Well, she's fine now. And the rain had stopped.
I know you'd think that considering the way she was feeling earlier on, we might not be hearing much from the hometown girl for a while. But to do that you'd have to be pretty clueless about the essential characters of our heroes.
Sort of like the writers for most of the fourth and fifth season.
But you see, Xena's body is fueled by crushing regret, remorse and failure.
So having been completely recharged, with a new driving sense of purpose, with Eve packed in back, Gabrielle had tied up Argo, and had begun her stealthy but single minded advance upon Potadaia on foot. Quickly becoming quite comfortable relying on the hunter's body, she smelt the watch before they showed themselves. (Not a truly impressive trick.) First one, then two stood; the former declaring pompously:
"Xena of Amphipolis. I am Mendicas, a close childhood friend of Gabrielle, daughter of Herodutus. I cannot let you pass!"
This rehearsed speech was supposed to stop the evil warlord in her tracks, but instead, a strange fire seemed to glow in the pale blue eyes, and the response was not what they had expected.
The warrior continued to advance, softly musing, "Mendicas! A dear, dear old friend. What memories we share. I'd almost forgotten the 'friendly' way you held me under water in the quarry that one time. What was it you were trying to prove? Oh yes! If 'short could float'." The slitted eyes drilled through him. "Such an inquiring little mind."
Now Mendicas made his second mistake, preserving Potadaia's reputation as the regional storage area for idiots. He froze, completely hypnotized by the snake-like blue eyes, transfixed by her smile. She slithered right up, until she was towering above him, and hissing, "Whadya think? Tall enough for you NOW?"
His second mistake was that when this emphasis broke him out of his paralysis, he drew his sword. He stared at it like it was an incorrectly delivered package for a moment, before tentatively raising it. The gleam of the warrior's eyes and teeth only became brighter, and a pleased contralto said. "Oh, gooood."
