A/N: Thank you all for putting up with me killing off Frost. I promise the next chapters will be better! :)
A week later, Jane helped Maura get her crutches up the stairs into Dr. Capshaw's office. Since the shooting, the couple had opted to take a couples therapy session, figuring Capshaw might be able to help them get to the bottom of their problems. This was their first session together but Jane wanted more than anything to help.
Maura shrugged away when Jane tried to touch her, she'd even started asking the brunette to sleep in the guest bedroom. Life at home had been strained- Jane taking a mandatory sabbatical, Maura, unable to perform autopsies had been forced to call in Dr. Pike. The first night home Maura had refused to let Jane touch or comfort her. But it hadn't been Maura who needed comforting. When the honey blonde had begun the journey downstairs for a glass of water that night, she heard Jane crying in the guest bedroom.
It hadn't been easy for either woman, the loss of Detective Frost, Maura had mourned the loss of her friend and tried her hardest to allow herself to help Jane process her partner's death but couldn't. Jane wanted to make things right with Maura, she'd had every reason to be mad at her for not protecting her- but her reasoning held strong. Had she gone to Maura without a second thought, who would have stayed with Frost? Who would have held him and shown him he was loved and cared for when he died? And could Maura really fault Jane for that decision?
The answer had obviously been yes.
Dr. Capshaw took her usual seat while Maura sat closest the window, further from the door than necessary. She took note of the way Jane sat closest the door, hands toward her hip even though it was devoid of a weapon.
"So, how shall we start?" The question hung in the air, neither woman able to start blaming. "Okay...how about you, Jane? How are you processing your partner's death?"
Jane's eyes glazed over, the pain still very prominent for her. "I- I still have a hard time believing it's real. He was a piece of my every day, weaving his way into my family and I watched him die. I felt the blood pump its way out of his body. I felt him-" Jane stopped abruptly, her tears forcing her to stop.
Capshaw turned to Maura who watched Jane and broke down inside. Silently wearing away at the edges, there was only so long she could hate Jane for not saving her. "And you, Maura? Where do you fit in?"
Maura looked at her quietly. "I don't. Barry was a part of my family, I'd grown so fond of him. But I didn't have the same relationship as Jane. I'd never relied on him to watch my back at scenes or protect me from the bad guys. I always relied on Jane for that."
"I noticed you used the past tense there. Has something changed in your relationship with Jane in which you can no longer rely on her in that way?"
Jane covered her face with her hands, crying harder at her own defeat. "I- I was shot during the struggle. Jane was with Barry across the studio, I was with Vince. So rationally I understand that Jane couldn't have gotten to me, couldn't have protected me physically."
"And irrationally?" Capshaw questioned.
"Irrationally I always expected Jane to be there. Even when other's lives depended on her, I expected her to choose me first."
"I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you." Jane whispered in Maura's direction. The blonde broke down at Jane's confession.
"Jane? Why didn't you go to Maura? Were you physically incapacitated?"
"No." Capshaw looked at her expectantly. "Frost- he was dying. Maura was with Korsak, a man who saved me not once but three times from a deranged serial killer. A man who's seen me so broken I asked for a new partner. A man I've trusted with my life for over a decade. So when it came to protecting Maura, I trusted him to protect her just as I would."
She paused, composing herself. "I heard Maura. I knew something was wrong, I should've responded the way she expects of me but my partner- my brother- was dying on the floor in front of me and alone. I couldn't leave him, he needed to know he wasn't alone, that someone was there to love and protect him. I failed two people that day and one of them died because of me. I've no one left to blame but myself."
"Jane, blame the shooter, not yourself." Maura rushed in.
"Why? You sure don't!" Pain shot across Maura's face at the insult. "I am so sorry that I am not the woman you expect me to be, Maura." Jane grabbed her hands.
"I am so sorry that I wasn't there for you when I should have been. I am sorry that all I seem to do is hurt you over and over again. That I take and take all you give and have nothing to show in return. I am sorry that I am the most frustrating person you could ever deal with. You deserve someone much better than I can ever become, someone who will spoil you with their knowledge of the world and buy you fancy clothes and take you to restaurants with menus not in English. You deserve someone who doesn't go to work every day not knowing if they'll be coming home that night, and if they do, if it will be on your morgue slab."
Maura placed one of her hands on Jane's face, cupping her cheek gently. Dr. Capshaw sat silently, watching the scene unfold. "Maur, I love you. Please know when I say this that I am speaking the truth. But you make me feel so small sometimes, like I'm supposed to fit in this small box you've labeled 'Jane'. And it goes right over my head, I feel like I know nothing at all because I can't fit myself in there, I don't know how. You have to understand that I am still learning to love you, I'm just starting to crawl. And with Frost- he wanted us to work so badly and here we are tearing ourselves apart because of him."
Maura was crying by now, shocked that in the comfort of a therapists office of all places Jane would reveal herself. The blonde was drenched in guilt. How could she have blamed Jane for not leaving Frost? He died trying to save them all! But she had selfishly wanted Jane to pick her for once and come to her rescue. But she had never realized that Jane had always chosen Maura, even if it didn't seem like it, even if the ways in which she had to do so hurt her, she always chose Maura.
"Jane." She breathed. "I don't know how to fix this. I don't know why I blamed you. It was instinctual to punish you for not choosing me, especially after thinking you had been cheating on me. I was so selfish to want you to apologize to me and tell me you needed support and comfort in your time of mourning. But we're both too stubborn to admit we need each other. So tell me, how can I help you? How can I support you?" Maura begged.
Jane continued to cry, trying to harden herself up. "Jane, don't close up on me."
"I- I just need you to understand, to forgive me, Maur. I wanted to be by your side and kiss away the pain and take my belt and make a tourniquet for your wounds and hold you and be your knight in shining armor. But I couldn't, couldn't, leave Frost that way. And I hate myself because you blame me for it."
Maura kissed Jane passionately, as if there were no one else in the room. "Of course I understand Jane. I truly do. I just couldn't get my emotions in check. I knew all this, I did. But I've never been faced with this situation. Had you and Paddy been shot in that undercover two years ago, I don't know who I would've gone to. I can't possibly imagine the difficulty of your choice. But I love you and I am here for you and we will recover from this."
Dr. Capshaw took notes as the couple kissed again, holding each other in a relieving embrace. Maura slid across the couch to sit right next to Jane, their thighs touching and hands clenched together. Touched by their resilience, Capshaw smiled, knowing this couple had so many battles before them, but so many reunions to make them all the stronger.
"It seems as if you two didn't need my help after all!" She said still smiling.
"I don't know about that, doc." Jane said quietly. "I'm a private person, I don't open up. Especially for therapists. And even less for Maura. I know that should be wholly reverse but I'm working on it. I want Maura to know what I'm feeling. But had you not pried into exactly the right places, we probably would be going home to separate beds again."
"I'm glad I could help, truly. You two are so strong, to see something like that fall apart- it would take a nuclear bomb and I think we would all suffer the fallout." Dr. Capshaw said before they left the office.
Her words were still bouncing around in Jane's head as they left. Were they really that strong? Could she and Maura really survive every test? Obviously Frost's death was proving that with a little help they could overcome anything together, if they just trusted each other. But it was a foreign concept for Jane to share her feelings even if it was Maura she was sharing them with.
So when they pulled into Maura's garage and Jane vividly remembered the last time they'd loved each other here she smiled. She smiled the whole way up the stairs with Maura and helping her take a bath without wetting her bandages. She smiled as she helped her into bed for an afternoon nap and as she lay on the bed next to her. Jane was remembering the things she'd said in therapy, especially that she was just learning to love. She'd used that phrase before, when she and Maura had first made loveā¦
Jane was driving Maura home from the Dirty Robber, they had just admitted their feelings for one another. When she sheepishly looked over and asked Maura if she wanted to spend the night at Jane's, the look on her face was overjoyed. But there was fear hidden beneath.
Neither of them had ever been with a woman. Of course there were the drunken nights at college frat parties for Maura who had made out with several of her roommates. Then there was Jane who had been dared in Junior College and as a Rizzoli, she never backed down from the challenges. And though they were pulling up every experience they'd had, this night would be different.
Jane knew she didn't have to sleep with Maura that night, she didn't even feel obligated- Jane wanted Maura and only carnally. Maura held the same desires, tracing patterns into Jane's legs with her fingertips while the brunette drove. If only Maura knew how arousing it was for Jane, perhaps she would have continued.
Jane parked the car in front of her building, quickly getting out to open the door for Maura. Tentatively she reached out for the blonde's hand and smiled when she grasped it tightly. They made their way in the building, hardly containing themselves the way there. Maura had just gotten herself in the door before Jane grabbed her waist and pinned her against the now closed door.
Tightening her grip on Maura's waist, Jane bent in for a kiss- their first kiss. It was slow, the way fires build quietly the first time. The smolder was there the deeper the kiss went. Jane forced her way through Maura's lips, plunging her tongue into Maura's mouth. The blonde let out a surprised moan of pleasure.
Maura's hands began to timidly explore Jane's body. How many times she'd pictured this exact scene she couldn't have counted but now that it was here, all her courage had fled. Maura was blindly seeking the bottom of Jane's shirt and slowly used her fingertips to trail up the brunette's stomach before reaching the bottom of her bra. Here Maura stopped, faced with a whole new problem. How did she caress Jane's breasts the way she'd allowed countless lovers? In a way that would leave her speechless and begging for more?
Jane understood her hesitation and moved her lips down to Maura's jawbone. "Like this, Maur." She said grasping Maura's hand inside her own shirt, placing them atop her supple breasts, showing the blonde how to expertly squeeze, dig, and push against them for maximum pleasure.
Maura, who had been wearing a blue form fitting dress, the same she'd worn to Jane's high school reunion, needed to be unzipped from behind. Jane reached around Maura's back, gently unzipping the medical examiners favorite dress (Jane believed this to be true simply because it made her look incredible and that she had worn it twice).
"Wait." Maura stopped Jane's hands in a single second. It was the tone in her voice, the hesitation there. Jane simply looked up at her, questioning what she was doing wrong. "I'm not good at this, Jane. I've never been with a woman, what if I do it wrong?" Maura bit delicately on her bottom lip, an emotion building up inside of her that she'd never had before.
Jane caressed her gingerly, using only her fingertips. "Maura, I've never been with a woman either. I can't tell you how to do it, but I know that I want you. Now. And it just takes some skill. Trust me, I'll help you through it, as much as I can. You won't have this worry next time." Maura gave in to Jane's teasing, kissing the side of her neck gently.
Jane went straight for the zipper again, pushing the shoulders off Maura's dress, pushing it down to her waist. It only took her two tries to unsnap Maura's bra, pulling it off and throwing it across the room. Maura's breasts were perky and alert, immediately requiring Jane's attention. Cupping them gently she looked up at Maura.
"Step number one: foreplay." Jane smiled mischievously, bending down to take one of Maura's hardened nipples into her mouth. She flicked the top of the nipple with her tongue, sucking gently. Grabbing the other nipple with her thumb and forefinger, Jane began a slow massage. Maura groaned loudly in pleasure, running her hands through Jane's untamed curls. At one point she gripped and pulled against the brunette's hair. Jane smiled as she played with Maura's perfect breasts, even stopping to gently bite the base and then the top of the nipple.
Jane moved to the other nipple, allowing the freed one time to desensitize. Again she nibbled and sucked and flicked causing Maura immense pleasure. All the while Maura had been wiggling in anticipation against the door, Jane having to steady her by pinning her waist to the door. Eventually she stood up and looked intensely at the now breathless Maura.
"Step number two: grabbing and digging." Maura looked at Jane, a desperate want and confusion in her eyes. "Because I can get you to move in any way I want." She whispered, digging her hands into Maura's hip bones. The blonde cried out at first, the move unexpected and slightly painful before the rush of pleasure came. Where Jane dug and applied pressure, Maura's hips pushed forward to meet her. Maura felt overwhelmed with the stimulation, none of her previous lovers had any idea how to do that to her body.
And when she felt her hips would fall off Jane moved up to her ribs, an even more sensitive area. When she folded in and propped herself up against Jane, Maura smiled at her ability. She kissed Maura's neck while digging into the sensitive areas of her body, feeling the body beneath her wiggle and squirm. Once she had grasped a slight sense of strength, Maura twisted up to kiss Jane's lips.
And when she felt her ribcage was riddled with bruises and even the slightest touch from Jane bordered on painful, Jane moved once again. This time to her clavicles, digging in and grabbing hold. The sensation was completely unique for Maura. Her entire body went numb, the nerve endings felt like they were dancing around- little trails of electric sparks everywhere. She closed her eyes slowly, leaning her head back in pleasure, almost falling upon Jane who smiled widely.
"Maura, look at me." But the blonde couldn't move with Jane's hands trapped there. Her entire body was frozen in painful pleasure. "Maura." This time Jane released her, only to grab right behind her jawbone, two fingers pressing firmly. Maura's body reacted the same as it had with her clavicles only multiplied. Her body was at Jane's mercy as she kissed her lips tenderly.
Maura began to grasp control of her body, pushing the sensation downward and making her knees weak. She kissed Jane forcefully, taking her hands and placing them around Maura's waist. Leading the way, the blonde walked them into Jane's bedroom. Seeing where they were, Jane stopped and began to strip the dress off Maura.
"Step number three: skin." It seemed like a weird step to Maura, who always let her partners take control. But she was learning to make love to Jane through her and this must be an important step.
When the dress was off, Maura was only wearing a pair of ice blue lace panties. Feeling completely taken advantage of she began to slowly unbuckle Jane's belt, pushing down and off her pants while the detective kicked off her boots. Jane took her own shirt off while Maura unclasped her bra. Both in their underwear Jane pushed Maura onto the bed, climbing deftly atop her.
Jane had been right, the skin on skin contact was amazing for Maura who was squirming beneath Jane's roaming hands. The dectective began to trail kisses down Maura's neck and her breasts, down her stomach to her panty line. Pulling them off, she kissed further and further down until Maura let out a gasp of pleasure when Jane reached her center. The blonde remembers Jane mouthing 'step number four' but not what it actually was.
Jane circled Maura's clit with her tongue, sucking and flicking gently, pressing one hand down on her hips to keep her still. The other went up to Maura's nipple and began a slow massage. Her circling became faster and faster, Maura becoming wetter and wetter. So close to orgasm Maura tangled her hands in Jane's hair, breathing her name quietly. But in those final moments intense pleasure, Jane flicking and sucking delicately, Maura pushed over the edge of orgasm and screamed out Jane's name.
Jane moved up to Maura's mouth, kissing her tenderly while she recovered. Maura could taste herself on Jane's tongue, and began roaming Jane's body anxiously. She trailed down the brunette's stomach and expertly went under the panties, finding Jane's wetness. They groaned in pleasure together.
"Oh detective, you're so wet." Maura crooned, circling her center softly. Picking up the pace Jane began to squirm atop Maura, who in turn placed her free arm around Jane and held her in place. Maura worked furiously against Jane's clit, watching as her breath became labored and the sweat building on her brow.
"Copy me." Jane whispered into Maura's ear. Quickly Maura found Jane entering her with two fingers, curling them upward and working intently. Maura did as she was told and entered Jane, copying the hand movement and gesture. Grinding against each other, they struggled for air, both approaching orgasm quickly and strongly.
Maura was digging into Jane's back as she approached climax, making Jane grin that she was learning something. The brunette kissed Maura's neck and burrowed herself there as she climbed. And together, faster and harder, in synchronization they moved against each other. Finally they orgasmed, their names being screamed out in complete euphoria from each other.
Jane rolled off Maura, who clung to Jane's side, panting and shaking. They looked each other in the eyes and knew that life would never be the same, they would make love like that every night if they could manage it. Jane kissed Maura's forehead.
"You're already learning, baby." She whispered.
"I learn a lot from you, Jane."
"And I learn from you, too Maura." Jane cupped the side of Maura's face. "I'm still learning to love you, just starting to crawl."
I look forward to hearing from you! Please comment, and let me know how you feel about the story so far!
