(Quinn Morgendorffer looks as lovely as ever in a yellow and pink two-piece outfit, with butterflies and halo smiley-faces on her knee and elbow pads—but her mood is not so bright.)
Bennett: "Quinn, if we can have a word with you about your match tonight—"
Quinn: "Can't an incredibly cute wrestler get ready without being constantly interrupted? I have nothing to say about me and Daria, so if you could, like, leave…"
Bennett: "Um…very well, Quinn. Sorry to bother—"
Quinn: "OKAY! So I AM worried about it. She says she doesn't want to team with me and stuff. My own flesh and blood, Daria, my own flesh and blood…but you know what? Fine! Who needs you anyway? I'm sure there are lots of cuter, more popular people who would be happy to wrestle with me. I'll just find one of them instead!"
(She storms out of her very pink dressing room in a huff, followed closely by Bennett, out onto the second floor of the mall. She passes by a few talents before spotting Brittany Taylor at a jewelry booth.)
Quinn: "Hiiiii, Brittany! I heard you're not wrestling tonight, so I was wondering…"
Brittany: (sniffling, weeping) "Huh?"
Quinn: "Um…are you okay?"
Brittany: "It's so terrible, Quinn! These necklaces…they remind me of the one Kevvy gave meeee!" (breaks down in tears)
Quinn: "And that's, like a bad thing?"
Brittany: "YES! Because he's fighting that really mean OTHER quarterback and I'm so scared he's going to get hurt!"
Quinn: "I see. That's too, too bad…well. Maybe it would make you feel better if YOU could do something tonight, like team with me in the main event. You will?! GREAT! Bye!"
Brittany: (blubbering unintelligibly) "Mmfff…but…*sob*…Kevvy…mmmphlll…so dangerous…poor poor Kevvy…"
Quinn: "…On second thought, Brittany…if you really want to help Kevin, why don't you go out to the ring with him and make sure he doesn't get hurt?"
Brittany: "Y-you really think so? Oh, THANK you, Quinn! I'll go out there and cheer for him. Let's be partners sometime!" (bounces away)
Quinn: (sigh) "Tonight would've been nice…"
(Meanwhile, outside the mall façade, Stacy and Upchuck are discussing strategy for their match…)
Stacy: "Okay, Chuck, focus."
Upchuck: "Why, I certainly AM focusing, my dear. Hhhhrrrowr!"
Stacy: (giggles nervously) "Okay, I mean focus on the MATCH. Because if you don't we're going to lose, you know?"
Upchuck: "I adore that fighting spirit in your eyes, my darling! Fear not—Charles Ruttheimer the Third is a new man! And just waiting to be discovered…"
Stacy: "Chuck…"
Upchuck: (normal voice) "Er, right. Sorry."
Stacy: "Remember, I get to drive the motorcycle."
Upchuck: "Very well. But we shall use MY music."
Stacy: "Deal. Then come on, let's go!"
(Upchuck stares after her with…desire, or is it respect?)
Upchuck: "Mmmm. Feisty!"
Ω
MIXED TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP
Devan "Shaggy" Rogers & Jennifer "Burnout" Burns[c] vs. Stacy Rowe & Charles Ruttheimer III
(The immortal strains of Jimi Hendrix burn across the parking lot and multicolored sparks cascade from the entrance, as 'Voodoo Child (Slight Return)' heralds the arrival of a wildly popular team.)
O'Neill: "Here we go. This is one of the matches I've been looking forward to the most! Everyone's been talking about it: what on earth is going to happen when these teams get in the ring?"
Barch: "Upchuck's still a snake, skinny. I'm telling you now so you won't be hurt later. There's no way Stacy Rowe can trust him out here tonight!"
O'Neill: "Well, she's giving him a chance and that's more than anyone else will do. Stacy is heading toward a showdown with Sandi Griffin for the inaugural U.S. Championship, and she still fought for this opportunity."
Barch: "I have to give you that. Rowe is starving to death to be a champion in the LFC."
O'Neill: "But something has to give here, because Jennifer and Devan have been on fire since they defeated the Track Stars to be crowned the first Mixed Tag champions!"
Barch: "Yeah, you might say they're really blazing up."
O'Neill: "Now that's enough of that…"
(Shaggy looks as vague and distracted as ever, slapping hands with every fan who waves at him. Burnout and their manager Coyote Yeager pass the time with an air guitar duet to the music. All three of them wear tie-dye bandanas with their regular attire, which they toss into the crowd!)
O'Neill: "Well, it's going to be hard to match THAT kind of reaction, but this next team just might do it…"
('Voodoo Child' fades out and there is silence for a moment. Then we hear the sound of a motorcycle revving up—once, twice, three times—Stacy loves driving the fans nuts with this, putting them at a fever pitch before she even comes out. Then Upchuck's theme, 'Love Rollercoaster' by The Red Hot Chili Peppers, comes on, and out she comes on the bike with Upchuck sitting behind her! Red, white and blue pyro goes off along the ramp as they roar down to the ring.)
Barch: "Never thought I'd see anything like this, I admit it…but enjoy it while it lasts! I've got my eye on that pervert."
O'Neill: "Don't spoil the moment, Janet. I think they can be a real team out here. Wow, Stacy is circling that ring two…no, three times! She really is fired up tonight, and Charles…well, enough said."
Barch: "Gotta love the way it's freaking out the hippies! Look at 'em, they're totally disoriented…oh, wait, they're always like that. For all we know, they just saw two gila monsters riding through a crowd of Jerry Garcia bobbleheads. They're nuts!"
O'Neill: "But they can't be underestimated! There's a method to their madness, and they've got the titles to prove it."
(Since it's a championship match, DeMartino waits until both teams are in the ring to announce them. Both of them seem equally loved by the fans. Stacy and Upchuck exchange a few words, and she stays in the ring, offering to start the match with Burnout. She nods slowly, the bell rings and it's on.
Burnout runs toward Stacy. She braces herself, and…never mind, Burnout just falls down and relaxes on the mat. Stacy pauses. If the other team wants to play mind games…she has a partner who can help with that! She immediately tags Upchuck, and some cautious boos rain down as he climbs in.)
Barch: "Well he didn't try to grope her during the first tag, I'll give him that. But just you wait!"
(Burnout continues to lounge with her hands behind her head. Suddenly there's Upchuck standing over her, gyrating suggestively with his tacky leopard-print tights and sleazy grin. Burnout jumps up and scrambles to the corner to tag in Shaggy!)
Barch: (cackling) "Turnabout is fair play! That got a reaction out of her, didn't it?"
O'Neill: "…Does this mean you actually agree with something Charles did?"
Barch: "You're imagining things. Call the match."
(Ruttheimer offers to lock up with Shaggy but fakes him out at the last second and just fluffs his hair while the crowd boos. Even the Shagmeister doesn't have infinite patience, so he just does a double-leg takedown and falls into a headlock. Upchuck thrashes around and gets up to his feet. Shaggy throws him to the ropes and knocks him down with a shoulder block. Elbow drop presses the advantage.)
Barch: "Typical! I told you, this lech is just like most men. When things get serious, he's useless."
O'Neill: "I've always believed that underneath his personality is a talented wrestler. Maybe we'll see it tonight."
(Cover for a quick one-count. Shaggy tags in Burnout and they double hip toss Upchuck across the ring. Burnout pulls him back to her side of the ring before he can make a tag and hits a moonsault splash from the ropes! Cover for a two-count.)
Barch: "She's bringing out the big guns early, as usual! And against this kid it's just as well. Pound him Burnsie!"
O'Neill: "Upchuck has yet to muster any offense in this match. You can't win by showmanship."
(Stacy looks on with concern and slaps the turnbuckle pad trying to drum up support, but the fans aren't sure about Upchuck yet. The geek reacts, spinning out of a wristlock into a single-leg takedown. Burnout jumps up much faster than he expected and dropkicks him right into the corner. She's going for Crashing Burns in the corner—but Upchuck dodges before she makes it there and tags in his partner.)
Barch: "There! With Stacy in, at least they stand a chance."
(Lock-up. Armbar from Burns but Stacy sweeps her legs out from under her. Front headlock, Burns struggles up and attempts a vertical suplex; Stacy knees her in the head, drops back down and takes her into a backslide pin for one. Double-leg takedown and somersault pin by Burns for a one-count of her own. Both up, Stacy ducks a clothesline and comes off the ropes with a dropkick; Burns dodges her as well and stretches Stacy's back in a bow and arrow lock; she immediately slips out and falls on her in a pinning position for two! Headlock from Burns as she tries to get control; Stacy's up and throws her into a huge back suplex! That all happened even faster than it sounded and the Sprawlville fans are loving it. Burnout rolls over and tags in Shaggy.)
O'Neill: "And what an exchange that was!"
Barch: "Normally I don't agree with a woman turning to a man for help, but Burnout got her bell rung there. Let's just hope that space cadet doesn't lose the match for her."
O'Neill: "I think Shaggy is a very capable wrestler, despite his eccentricities."
(Stacy rushes in and tackles him right into his corner! She gets set and jumps in for a splash, but Burns pulls Shaggy away and she just hits the turnbuckles.)
Barch: "Mental error from Stacy there! Always remember where your opponent's partner is. You can see she's out of practice in tag matches, especially since her expulsion from the Fashion Club."
O'Neill: "I think that was best for her in the long run. But she can't forget what she learned in those days if she wants to come away with the titles here."
(Stacy gets up and Shaggy floors her again with a bulldog off the ropes. Cover for a quick two! Shaggy stares at the referee (Max) like he thought it would be over already. "Focus, maaaan!" Coyote instructs him from ringside, and he's right. Stacy uses the time to roll outside and pull Shaggy down by his feet. Tag to Upchuck. She jumps back out and holds Shaggy's feet from outside while Chuck rushes in and hits a huge knee drop to Shaggy's head!)
O'Neill: "And these two are working together! That's a real tag team strategy."
Barch: "Yeah, now let's see what he does to mess it up."
(Upchuck puts a sleeper hold on Shaggy as he gets up, but is backed into the corner. Punches and chops from Shaggy. Upchuck blocks one and shoulder him into the corner instead. A series of knife-edge chops on Shaggy, with a little hip action on the last one! Shaggy goes down.)
Barch: "Disgusting! Next time warn me before he does that."
O'Neill: "I can't read his mind, Janet..."
Barch: "Good, you'd be scarred for life!"
(Upchuck hits a Bronco Buster in the corner! Pulls Shaggy out by his feet and turns him over into a Lion Tamer. The wannabe ladies man is really wrestling now, and Shaggy is in for a struggle before he reaches the ropes. Upchuck pulls him off and maintains the hold, and now Burnout runs in to break it up! Stacy runs her off as Chuck presses the advantage. Legdrop on Shaggy and he scissors the party animal's neck with both legs, forcing him to spend more energy getting back to the ropes.
Chuck pulls him outside the ring and the fans can't believe what they're seeing as he leg sweeps Shaggy's back into the railing. Burnout avenges him with a running body splash off the apron! This thing's breaking down in a hurry as Stacy throws Burnout right over the broadcast table and into O'Neill and Barch's laps. She joins Upchuck in throwing Shaggy back in the ring. Quick tag. Stacy goes for it all with a diving elbow smash off the top rope-and she nails it! Shaggy may be out as she rolls into the cover. No, only two!)
O'Neill: "What a show of resilience from Shaggy!"
Barch: "And Burnout's so close to us we can smell her! Lucky for her we're not cops, O'Neill."
(Burns struggles up, and for once she's lost her cool. Up on the apron, springboards from the ropes in a missile dropkick-Stacy jumps aside and she hits her partner! The rest of Spiral pulls her back and threatens to disqualify her as Stacy tags Upchuck. Yakuza Kick from Stacy into an STO by Chuck! Burnout makes the save again and gets back to her corner fast this time, calling for a tag.)
Barch: "Shaggy's out of his head, and that was before the match even started! He needs a tag, NOW."
O'Neill: "And Jennifer is as excited here as we've ever seen her. I don't think the champions were expecting a challenge like this."
Barch: "Neither was anyone else! Stacy's on fire and I have to admit, Upchuck's not stinking up the ring."
(Upchuck looks serious for once as he motions for the Lion Tamer again and cinches it in. But he's too close to the ropes and Shaggy's able to hold on this time. Kicks from Chuck as he pulls himself to his feet. He ducks one and hits an atomic drop on Upchuck. He pulls him in for his finisher!)
O'Neill: "Red Eye Express from Shaggy! Almost out of nowhere!"
Barch: "Also called a fisherman's suplex, although I don't like THAT name much better. Don't worry about a pin, Shaggy, just get to the damn corner!"
(Shaggy does, and Burnout is finally tagged in! Spear on Upchuck as he tries to get up. She jumps on the second rope and hits a guillotine legdrop. Elbow to the head of Stacy, who drops to the floor. Burnout comes back around and nails her with a baseball slide. She falls back and hits the broadcast table, and now no one can stop Burns from finishing this.)
O'Neill: "Upchuck is reeling! Jennifer out of the corner. Crashing Burns! She hits the spinning heel kick!"
Barch: "Say goodnight, Hef!"
(One, two, and Upchuck kicks out!)
Barch: "What? WHAT?"
O'Neill: "The crowd can't believe it-we can't believe it! With no one to help him, Upchuck somehow got out of that pin!"
(The arena is truly split now as a frustrated Burnout measures him for another heel kick. He falls over before she can hit him and her foot clips Max instead! He falls to his knees in a daze and now Coyote's on the apron, pulling a pipe out of his jacket and blowing powder into Upchuck's face!)
O'Neill: "Oh my! Coyote Yeager wants his team to win by any means necessary!"
Barch: "What the heck was in that pipe? Never mind, I don't want to know."
(Upchuck is blinded. Burnout's scouting him again from across the ring. She's taking off-Stacy runs outside and grabs her ankle! Burns goes down face first and Shaggy chases her back around the ring. Stacy makes it to the ropes and somehow Upchuck remembers where she's supposed to be; he falls into their corner and she blind-tags him, no pun intended. Leaping Tornado DDT from Stacy on Burnout!
Shaggy is rolling in, trying to interfere. Upchuck puts a leglock on him! Stacy's up on the opposite turnbuckle and hits an amazing diving senton on Burns!)
O'Neill: "Stacy hits Liberation! Into the cover!"
Barch: "Three! I don't believe it!"
(Neither can the crowd, or the new champions as Mystik Spiral hands them the tag belts. Upchuck finally clears his eyes and stares at his championship in amazement.)
O'Neill: "Soak it in, Charles! You've earned it this time!"
Barch: "That's how it feels to win a championship fair and square. I hope he takes a lesson from it. And the freaks look like they're on a bad trip, don't they? I wonder if Shaggy's face will freeze like that!"
O'Neill: "Shaggy and Burnout will always be the first-ever Mixed Tag champions, but Charles and Stacy will always be the team that took it away from them. No sport can create stars like professional wrestling, and we saw the proof again tonight."
Barch: "I refuse to be happy about that pervert winning. But now that he's got a great woman on his side...well, we'll see."
(Stacy and Charles embrace as her music plays. Chuck fires up the motorcyle and together they ride backstage.)
WINNERS BY PINFALL, AND NEW MIXED TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS: Stacy Rowe & Charles Ruttheimer III.
