Fury's briefing session sure has hell hadn't prepared them for this. Still, all Tony could manage in reaction to Hawkeye sitting in a ruined cake like a failed male stripper was the arch of his eyebrow. Pepper gasped sharply and her hands flew up to her mouth. Around them, people started screaming; Fisk stopped his speech abruptly, just as shocked as any of them. Movement directed Tony's attention to the ceiling, where a figure gracefully twirled around the swinging chandelier and landed on the ground in front of him. Pepper seized Tony's arm.
"Who is that?"
The stranger wore what looked like something a professional wrestler would wear; tight blue and red spandex with a large spider emblem blazed across his chest. He didn't look like the sneaking type at all. He turned sharply to face Tony.
"Are you all right, Mr. Stark?" he asked.
He frowned. "Um, yeah. Why?"
Black Widow burst into the room at that moment, her twin pistols held high. She opened fire; the guests screamed again and streamed toward the exits. Barton rolled off the food table and took cover; Tony dragged Pepper along with him to the bar. To his surprise, the stranger dodged every bullet Black Widow fired at him.
"Spiderman!" Fisk bellowed. His voice made the microphone scream with feedback.
Tony frowned again. "Really?"
Black Widow ran forward, elbowing people out of her way. Tony tore his gaze from her, trying to keep Pepper calm while looking for Steve Rogers. He was pushed into the corner, trying to politely tear himself away from the mob of girls, who were all sobbing and clinging to him as gunfire blazed in the ballroom. Tony made a face.
"Pepper, come on. I need a drink."
He grabbed her wrist and yanked her toward the bar. Happy followed close behind them. Pepper gaped at Black Widow, whose pistols flashed with every pull of the triggers.
"Tony, are you crazy?" she shrieked. "There are more important things going on right now!"
Tony looked over his shoulder in time to watch the masked stranger tilt his head.
"Y'know, it's not nice to point," he said.
With a flick of his wrist, the pistols were torn from Romanoff's hands, wrapped in strange webbing. Tony raised his eyebrows. This guy was serious about the "Spider" thing. Black Widow was unfazed; she followed through with a high kick, which he dodged. She clenched her jaw and unleashed a barrage of attacks, each one swiping the air, unable to make contact.
"You're a pretty good dancer," Spiderman said.
Tony shook his head, tugging Pepper along with him.
"Adorable…" he muttered.
He'd finally made it to the bar. Tony snatched up a cocktail shaker from the back shelf and shook it, listening to the ice rattle inside.
"Shouldn't we do something?" Pepper asked, still watching with wide eyes.
Tony poured the contents of the shaker into a martini glass and sipped it. He plucked an olive from the cooler and dropped it inside. His attention shifted back to Romanoff. Fisk had left the stage, but several of his body guards were pushing him back, trying to get him to leave. Fat chance. Literally.
"Nah," Tony said.
Pepper whirled to face him. "Why not?"
Spiderman made contact; his kick sent Romanoff reeling back. The webbing stuck fast to her ankles and Spiderman pulled it taught. She fell to the floor with a thud. Behind him, Tony heard Happy curse. Before he could do anything, his bodyguard ran off to Black Widow's defense.
"Uh…Hap?"
He ran forward, fist raised, making it all too obvious what he was about to do. Spiderman turned in time, catching Happy's fist in his palm. The web-slinger shrugged.
"Sorry."
He punched him, sending the bodyguard flying back to the floor. Pepper screamed.
"Oh my god!"
She ran to Happy, tapping his face to keep him conscious. Tony chuckled. Pepper rounded on him.
"It's not funny, Tony!"
His smile was persistent. "It's a little funny."
An arrow thudded into the wall next to his head. He raised his eyebrows. Barton stood up from behind the banquet table, scowling. He wiped cake from his temple before aiming another arrow. Spiderman had leapt from the path of the first. He did similarly with the second; Tony heard the arrow zoom past his ear and crash into the mirror behind the length of the bar. He ducked to his knees, spilling martini on his suit.
"How about you don't do that while I'm standing here?" he shouted.
Pepper called to Happy, still trying to wake him up. A familiar voice sounded in Tony's ear.
"So things aren't going according to plan," Bruce said.
"I can see that," Tony replied. He watched Spiderman perform a pirouette, mocking Barton, whose arrow had missed again. It thudded into the wood of the bar and the steel point appeared right by Tony's nose.
"We're on our way," Bruce was saying. "Get in the suit!"
One of the floor-to-ceiling windows shattered in an explosion of glass. The familiar figure of Thor's hammer sailed through the air and clipped the end of the banquet table. It launched into the air and hit both Barton and Spiderman. They fell to the floor. Black Widow writhed on the marble beside them, growling as she slit the webbing binding her ankles. The hammer flew across the room and slammed into Thor's hand, who stood at the entrance. The girls clinging to Steve Rogers screamed. Thor gestured to them with the hammer and tossed Rogers his shield.
"Leave us!" he boomed. "This is no place for mortals!"
As the girls sobbed and scampered out of the room, finally leaving Rogers ready for a fight, Tony heard the familiar sound of steel-toed boots on concrete. He looked up in time to see Fisk run from the stage, sneering back at them as he went. The men opened fire. Spiderman shot a web up to the ceiling and zipped out of sight.
Tony crawled around the corner of the bar. Pepper had managed to wake up Happy and the two of them had huddled under a nearby table as bullets flew around them. Tony reached for them.
"Pepper, give me your hand!"
She strained to reach him. Tony scooted forward; bullets tore up the floorboards in front of him and he had to take cover.
"Suit up, Stark!" Barton shouted, firing an arrow.
"Dammit, I am trying!"
Tony threw himself back around the corner and reached for Pepper again.
"I told you this was a dumb idea!" he said. "I should've stuck with bracelets! Why did we even put this in the vows?"
"Because it's romantic!" she snapped, glaring at him.
"Well now I'm regretting it."
Tony finally snatched her hand in his. Their wedding rings connected. The Mark VIII suit instantly sprang to life, crawling over his body. He stood up as the suit took shape around him. Tony grabbed Pepper in an embrace and turned as bullets ricocheted off the armor. He pushed her behind the bar and she took cover under it. Tony stood up and snatched Happy's collar, practically throwing him under the bar as well. Tony nodded to Barton across the room, who had taken cover behind a large support beam. He managed a wry smile.
"So much for discretion, Legolas."
Barton scowled. The helmet snapped shut over Tony's face and Ironman took to the air.
"He's really starting to piss me off!" Barton growled, watching the rafters for any sign of Spiderman.
Natasha rolled up beside him, ducking as gunfire thudded into the support beam.
"We need a new place to hide, Clint."
Rogers appeared in front of them, the shield held out to stop the next barrage of bullets. Barton loosed another arrow and it struck one of the men in the shoulder. He went down and gunfire roared again. Natasha ducked behind Rogers and the two of them headed forward. Barton followed behind them, firing two arrows at a time. He shouted over his shoulder at Thor.
"See if you can find that kid!"
Thor hurled his hammer over their heads and it smashed through the ceiling. Spiderman dropped into view and shot another web, slinging himself back up into the rafters.
"Missed me!" he called.
The hammer flew back to Thor and he threw it again. Spiderman rolled across the ceiling to another wall, narrowly avoiding the strike.
"Missed me, missed me, now you gotta kiss me!"
Barton rolled his eyes. "Okay, he seriously needs to go away."
"He's like a mini Stark," Natasha said, firing both pistols. Her shot struck one of the mercenaries and he fell behind the stage. "I can't take another Stark."
"In Asgard we do not kiss our opponents!" Thor roared.
He swung the hammer again and smashed through a support beam. Wood splintered everywhere. The ceiling groaned and the two remaining chandeliers spun, flinging light all around the room. Barton quirked an eyebrow.
"Get us closer, Cap."
"Closer?" he echoed. "If Thor does that one more time this whole place is going to collapse on us."
"Could be worse," Barton reminded him.
Bullets thudded across the shield and Rogers fell to one knee. Natasha reloaded; Ironman flew above them, drawing fire as they gathered their bearings. He fired a few repulsor blasts, burning holes through the wood paneled walls.
"Fisk is getting away," he said. "Priorities. Leave the kid alone."
Spiderman edged out from behind his cover. "I'd listen to him on this one!"
He shot webbing down from the rafters and it latched on to two of Fisk's grunts. With a powerful yank, Spiderman sent them flying. They shouted as they went, sailing past Ironman and landed with heavy thuds back to the ground. The remaining men ducked for cover, still firing. Barton heaved a sigh.
"I'm bored, Tasha. You bored?"
She shrugged. "They are getting in the way of things."
Barton nodded. He drew back an arrow and fired. It exploded on contact, hitting the farthest chandelier. It snapped loose from its hold and crashed on top of the goons. Ironman cut power to his thrusters and clanged to the floor.
"I could've done that."
Barton raised his eyebrows. "Well you didn't."
Natasha and Captain America straightened up. Thor glared up at the ceiling at Spiderman, who hung upside down from one of his webs. Pepper and Happy stood up shakily from behind the bar, wide-eyed.
"We need to talk, kid," Barton said.
"We need to find Fisk," he countered. "And get Mr. Stark's money back."
Natasha frowned. "Where the hell is Bruce?"
Pepper screamed. The Avengers whirled around. Barton caught a flash of green before the Hulk smashed through the remaining window of the ball room. He was not alone; a large machine was tangled in his arms, firing at him from mounted machine guns. Ironman leapt into the air and fired several repulsor blasts, slicing metal as he went. Thor jumped and landed on the Hulk's shoulder. He slammed the hammer deep into the mechanical hide of the robot and Hulk finished it with a killer bear hug. It slipped from his massive arms and fell to the floor with a clang, oozing oil and fluid.
Barton stared. "All right, where the hell did that come from?"
"Machines attack Hulk!" he roared. "Fat man controls them."
"They're Spider Slayers," Spiderman piped up. "Nasty little things made by Oscorp. Fisk uses them to try and kill me every now and then."
Outside the distance, the sky lit up with thruster engines. Barton cursed.
"And they can fly. Fantastic."
He led everyone outside through the hole made by the Hulk and Barton glanced at the exit. Many of the party guests were still running for cover. A black Buick careened out of the parking lot, followed by two cronies on crotch rocket motorcycles. Ironman jumped into the air and started forward.
"See if you can catch up."
Barton narrowed his eyes. He exchanged a look with Natasha as Pepper shouted after the receding figure of her husband.
"Of course, Tony! Just leave us here! WE ALL CAN'T FLY, YOU KNOW!"
Barton nodded to the Hulk. "Pave the way for us, Bruce."
Hulk smirked and stomped away toward the street. Barton seized Happy Hogan by his collar. Natasha grabbed Pepper and they sprinted through the parking lot to the Rolls Royce. Rogers headed in the opposite direction for his motorcycle.
"Keys," Barton demanded.
Natasha shoved Pepper into the backseat.
"No way," Happy replied. "I drive."
"This is kind of important, Happy," Barton said through gritted teeth.
"For Christ's sake, just get in the goddamn car and let's go!" Pepper shrieked.
They all stared at her. Natasha's eyes locked with Barton's.
"Shotgun," she said.
Barton cursed. Happy slumped behind the wheel and Barton tossed his bow into the backseat. Pepper yelped as she caught it. The tires screeched and they all slammed back into their seats as the Rolls Royce tore out of the parking lot, lurching over the Hulk's footprints.
