Babysitting Blues

Pun Party

"I'd love to stay and chat with you, that is if you weren't such a boring know it all mudblood, but I have things to do, people to torture."

"I'd stay away from torturing anyone if I were you. You might burn in hell for it."

"I'm not worried. You're the one that's going to go through hell," smirked Malfoy.

"Believe me, I already am in hell."

He scowled at her and then purposely knocked into her on his way out the door. She supposed that he meant it to be intimidating but as he past her she burst out laughing. "There's no need for you to walk out of here with your tail between you legs."

"A Malfoy would never do that."

"Oh, yeah? Because you got a little something right here," she said pointing at her butt. Malfoy looked down at his backside to find himself sporting a brand new forked devil's tail. "And a little something right here," she choked out through her laughter pointing both fingers at the top of her head. Malfoy rushed to the bathroom mirror and stared at his hair in horror. "What's the matter Malfoy?" she asked faking concern. "Devil got your tongue?"

Malfoy turned on her and shoved her up against the wall. "What did you do to me?"

"Get your hands off me. I just did what you told me to do. I brought it."

Malfoy dropped his hands from her and turned to pick up the jar of Catastrophic Cowlick Crème disguised as his hair gel. "Not bad Granger," he said opening the jar and taking out a big scoop of hair gel with his hand. "Although I think you're the one in need of a new hairdo," he said as he squashed the gel on top of her head and then smeared it in rather roughly.

"Get out!" shouted Hermione pushing him out the door. She slammed the door on him before her hair could turn into anything bizarre and jumped in the shower fully dressed. She grabbed her favorite vanilla scented shampoo and started scrubbing. Rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat. When Hermione finally got out of the shower, she stood in front of the mirror and braced herself for the worst. She wiped away the steam from the mirror and saw her hair hanging down in wet brown ringlets, just as it normally did after a shower. She waited for a while just staring at herself, but nothing happened. Finally she breathed a sigh of relief. She had outsmarted him. She dried herself off, got dressed in some dry clothes and then went downstairs to gloat.

When she got downstairs, she was greeted with a horrible smell. It got even worse the closer she got to the kitchen. It smelled like… "skunk," said Hermione as she peered through the doorway. Malfoy's hair was now jet black except for a platinum blond stripe down the middle. She burst out laughing again. She wished she had brought a camera with her. The Weasley twins would be so proud. Malfoy just scowled at her over his breakfast. He wasn't too happy her hair looked normal, well normal for her anyway.

"I'm sorry Malfoy, it must really stink being you."

"Ha ha you're so funny. Laugh while you can mudblood because I'm going to get my revenge."

Hermione walked over to the refrigerator and looked inside. "Hmm," she thought out loud. "For some reason I feel like having tomato juice for breakfast." She poured herself a glass and walked to the door saying to Malfoy as she left, "Smell you later." Her little cousin had said that to her once and she had thought it quite childish and immature at the time, but now it was just funny. She went into the study and grabbed a book off the shelf. She had just settled down in a comfy armchair to read her book when Malfoy barged in. "What are you doing here? If you hadn't noticed, I was trying to get away from you because in addition to your attitude which normally stinks, you stink. Really bad."

"It's all your fault. If I have to smell it, you have to smell it."

"Why don't you go play in traffic? That smell is really giving me a headache," said Hermione glaring at Malfoy. And just as she said that she felt a little ping. Then Malfoy burst out laughing.

"This is just a shot in the dark, but I'd say it's not the smell giving you a headache," replied Malfoy thoroughly amused.

Hermione reluctantly put her hands up to her head and felt her hair contorted into the shape of an arrow through her head. She silently groaned and wondered what else was coming.

"Guess your target was a little off this morning?"

"At least I don't stink!"

"You smell like a mudblood to me."

"Prick." Ping. An arrow shaped strand of hair shot out of Hermione's head and hit Malfoy in the arm.

"Ow!"

"Asshole." Ping. Another arrow shot out and hit him in his ass. Hermione laughed somewhat evilly. "Jerk, bastard, son of a bitch! Ping, ping, ping! Malfoy decided to make a run for it but as he was halfway out the door, he stopped and started skipping. No, it was more like prancing. Malfoy was prancing. And since Malfoys don't prance, he stopped again and turned around and looked nervously at Hermione. Hermione's frown turned right side up and she said, "Aww, don't you look pretty."

Malfoy reached up and felt his hair twisted into a unicorn horn. Shit! This was completely humiliating, but at least he didn't stink anymore. And it seemed as though Hermione wasn't going to shoot any more of those arrows. They really hurt.

As if Hermione could read his thoughts she said, "Don't look so worried. I'm not going to shoot any more arrows at you unless you do something to make me really mad. Frankly, I'm out of insults, and I'm afraid I am going to go bald on one side. What do you say we call a truce? All those in favor say I, all those opposed, say neigh! Get it? Neigh!"

"Screw you."

"You're just mad because you suck at puns. I am the queen of puns." Ping. Shit! Hermione's hair wove into a braided crown.

"More like a royal pain in the ass." A queen, as if. Why was he getting all of the sucky hairdos?

"Did I mention your horn is all pink and sparkly?" asked Hermione tilting her head to one side batting her eyelashes at him. Hermione wasn't quite sure why she did that.

Malfoy tried walking away from her, but it turned into prancing again, so he stopped. Hermione was acting weird, and so he was eyeing her cautiously.

All of a sudden Hermione started humming and dancing around the room. Birds flew in from the window and started flying around her head. Oh, my God. She was acting like a cartoon princess, and she felt this incredibly strong urge to kiss her prince. No! Malfoy was certainly not her Prince Charming. He was a prick and a unicorn.

"Malfoy, you better make a run for it," said Hermione coming closer to him.

"No. You just want to see me prance."

"I'm serious. Run."

"Why?" he asked suspiciously.

"Because I am about to kiss you."

Malfoy's eyes widened, and then he turned and galloped away with Hermione running after him in slow motion with her arms out in the air. Malfoy slowed down to a trot when he looked over his shoulder and saw what she was doing. He had had enough of this. He went into his room and slammed the door. Hermione stood outside his door pondering what she should do. Then she felt something hit her on the head. She reached her hand up and touched something wet. Great. Bird poop. After she shooed the birds away, she went into her room and slammed the door shut.

Around lunchtime, they both came out of their rooms at the same time. Malfoy looked at Hermione, and she looked at him. His hair was sticking straight up in the air like he had been electrocuted. "Don't look so shocked Malfoy. It's just a beehive." Hermione's hair was piled up high on her head in a 60's style hairdo and bees were flying around her. This was definitely not her favorite hairstyle of the day as she had already gotten stung a couple of times.

Malfoy glared at her thinking about what she had said earlier. "I don't suck at puns."

"Bee-lieve me honey, you do."

"Buzz off."

Hermione smiled but it quickly disappeared when she felt that oh so familiar ping. She wasn't sure what had happened to her but her nose felt all twitchy.

"Don't worry you're just having a hare-raising experience."

"You should talk."

No, I mean hare as in..."

"I know what you mean," snapped Hermione. "I know what a hare is. I'm a God damn bunny rabbit." This was getting old fast. She didn't know if she could take many more of these hair don'ts. It was really only funny when it was happening to Malfoy.

Malfoy grudgingly admitted to himself that she looked kind of cute acting all mad with her hair up in bunny ears. "Well, hop to it then. I'm starving." He gave her cottontail a squeeze and went down the steps toward the kitchen singing, "Here comes Granger cotton tail, hopping down the bunny trail…"

Hermione grudgingly hopped down the stairs after him. When she got to the kitchen, she saw Malfoy making himself a sandwich still humming the bunny tune. She decided to heat up a bowl of soup and tried to ignore him. He was feeling pretty good about things right now because Hermione had finally gotten a suckier hairdo than him. Sure his hair was sticking out all over, but he thought he looked rather cool that way. After all, some guys wore their hair like that all of the time. They were both busy preparing their separate lunches when Hermione got an idea. She reached out and touched him with her metal spoon. Zap! Malfoy nearly jumped out of his skin. Hermione shrugged her shoulders. "Just curious."

"Stop touching me you filthy mudblood!" shouted Malfoy.

"Stop calling me a mudblood," she said poking him with her spoon to emphasize each word. Zap! Zap! Zap! Zap! Zap!

"Ahhh! Okay fine," he said angrily through gritted teeth, his hair beginning to smoke.

"Gee, you look kind of mad. There's smoke coming out of your ears, literally."

"Shut up you stupid…" yelled Malfoy but then he paused eyeing Hermione's spoon warily. It hurt way worse than those stupid arrows.

"You were saying something Malfoy?" she asked waving the spoon in his face.

Ping! Ha! "I said shut up you stupid mudblood!"

Hermione did shut up just then She simply stared at him not saying one word. What had happened to his hair this time? He let out a nervous giggle. His eyes grew wide and he clapped his hand over his mouth. Did he just giggle? Horrified, he reached up and felt two little girl's pigtails on top of his head. With ribbons.

Hermione couldn't help herself. "Like father like son," she said thinking of Lucius Malfoy's long ponytail. "Or should I say daughter?"

"That's it! I've had enough of you. You're dead."

Hermione took one look at his face and ran for it. He chased after her, and she ran into the study laughing. "You run like a girl!" She stopped behind a chair to catch her breath and try to stop laughing. They circled around the chair taunting each other. Then ping! Malfoy burst out into a fit of girlish giggles. "Why don't you take your big ass shoes and run off and join the circus you freak!"

Hermione now had very colorful clown hair, big shoes and a red clown nose. She hated clowns. "Why don't you make me, you pansy ass little girl," sneered Hermione and then she squirted him in the face with water from the giant plastic flower on her shirt.

Thoroughly pissed off by that, Malfoy reached over and squeezed her nose really hard. Honk! Honk! She then retaliated by stepping on his foot with one of her big clown shoes. He started crying little girl tears and she was about to say, "Don't be such a sissy," when she heard someone clearing their throat behind her. She slowly turned around and gasped, "Professor Lupin!"

Lupin looked back and forth between the two of them incredulously. Then his eyes finally settled on Hermione. She felt so ashamed she could hardly look at him. Would he kick her out of the Order after only her second day on the job? She could kill Malfoy for making her look so stupid. Her only consolation was that he looked really stupid too. Lupin shook his head and then he said sternly, "Hermione, I expected you to take this job seriously and here you are clowning around." Then he burst out laughing.