EDITOR'S RAMBLIN-- ERM, NOTES:
Wow. First of all, we would like to say a big thank you to everyone who applied for a chapter! And this chapter is from the brilliant Siamesa, whose work you must read on pain of laughing until you choke. Quite literally. We did. But in a good, Vader-ish, non-lethal kind of way. Um, yeah.
INBOX CLAIMS:
Anakin Skywalker: Mathematica. COMPLETE.
Emperor Palpatine: frodogenic. COMPLETE.
Boba Fett: frodogenic. IN PROGRESS.
Han Solo: Mathematica. IN PROGRESS.
Count Dooku: Derek Metaltron. COMPLETE.
Princess Leia: LASOS. IN PROGRESS.
Ahsoka Tano: TheMacUnleashed. IN PROGRESS.
The Lars' Homestead: Siamesa. COMPLETE.
Padmé Amidala: Leia Blade of the Jedi. IN PROGRESS.
General Grievous: Eilarran. IN PROGRESS.
Luke Skywalker: Derek Metaltron. IN PROGRESS.
All other claims are open!
The Lars' Homestead
by Siamesa
Hello. You have reached the Lars Homestead. Please leave a message after the beep if you wish to reach Owen or Beru. If you're one of Luke's crazy friends, he isn't allowed to use this thing until he fixes that vaporator he crashed into. And Kenobi, I told you the last time, we don't need your help. With anything. At all. Ever.
-beep-
Congratulations, O-WEN-LARS!!!! You may very well have just won a free landspeeder! Come on down to Chalmun's Cantina in scenic Mos Eisley to collect your possible winnings! Bring money. Just to, erm, cover some costs, of course!
-beep-
Lars? This is Darklighter. Your boy's over here, swearing that he "didn't do it". I don't know quite what's going on, but I suggest you check it out.
-beep-
Owen Lars, this is your stepbrother. Please leave some flowers on Mom's grave for me. And if you ever mention this message to anyone, I will personally wring your miserable sand-crusted neck, you bantha-herding--
-beep-
Greetings, Imperial citizen! According to the Imperial Ministry of Intelligence's Citizen Profile Database, you have yet to submit a file for one "Luke Skywalker" listed as living in your home. Remember that it is the duty of every subject of our wise and benevolent Emperor to submit these files if they live outside of the Core! Thank you, and have a loyal and productive day. For the glory of the Empire!
-beep-
Good morning, Owen, this is Bail Organa. Just thought I'd call to mention that Leia recently graduated from Alderaan's top university with honors, helped found two charities, and ran a successful campaign for senator. What's Luke up to these days?
-beep-
I didn't do it! I swear! It was an accident! An accident!
-beep-
Citizens Owen and Beru Lars, of the Lars Homestead, Tatooine, this is a message from Imperial Base 1138, Mos Eisley, Tatooine. You are hereby informed that you need to present yourselves, your ward Luke Skywalker (unregistered), also of the Lars Homestead, Tatooine, and your life savings to the commander of this base. Your ward's trial should be speedy if proper protocol is followed. Have a nice day.
-beep-
Hello, this is Grignr, from Hutt Services, calling to inform you that you have defaulted on your last protection payment. While we here at Hutt Services typically restrict our operations to the major settlements, we have recently expanded operations to include outlying farms such as your own. Protection payments provide at least eighty percent security from bounty hunters who we may send after you if you do not pay them, as well protection against many other dangers. (Other dangers do not include Tuskens, sandstorms, large desert wildlife, droid repair, or anything besides bounty hunters who we may send after you if you do not pay us.) So, it would be in your best interests to, erm, contribute to our cause a little. Thank you!
-beep-
This is Imperial Holocom, formerly Horizon Galactica, calling to apologize for service errors in the past. Two thousand, three hundred messages from the period of the late Clone Wars onward were unfortunately not sent on to your machine. These have recently been destroyed in a routine cleaning of our servers. We apologise for any inconvenience that this may cause.
-beep-
Beru Lars? This is Garnes and Soble Galactic Holobook Sellers. Due to errors in the Imperial Holocom system, we have only now received the order you placed nineteen years ago. Unfortunately, Raising the Force-Senstitive Child by Midique Lorrian is now on the Imperial Watchlist of Banned Media. If you wish to continue your purchase, please be advised that it could result in legal action. Have a nice standard day.
-beep-
This is your final message from Imperial Ministry of Internal Revenue. Legal action will be taken if no proof of the existence of your tax deduction "Luke Skywalker" is received.
-beep-
Luke, this is Biggs! I know it's a long shot, but I was wondering if there was any way you could make it to my graduation ceremony at Imperial Academy. I think maybe my parents could take you. They said you've been at our house a lot lately…
-beep-
Owen? This is Ben Kenobi. Let me first of all apologize. It appears I may have gotten Luke into a bit of trouble. I assure you I'll take care of everything. Whatever you do, however, do not let him out of your sight.
-beep-
Owen, this is Beru. I'm calling from town. Where's Luke?
-beep-
O-WEN-LARS? Just a friendly reminder from Chalmun's Cantina that your, ah, somewhat free landspeeder will only be available for a few more days! Get down here and collect your prize!
-beep-
I didn't do it! Whatever you may have heard, I had nothing to do with it! Oh, and if Tank calls, tell him he's a piece of sithspawn.
-beep-
Have you, Lars family, taken advantage of the great droid deals available this month when buying from Jawa Caravan Three? Repair units are fifty credits off, and if you buy an astromech, you may be eligible to receive a protocol/translation unit absolutely free! So what are you waiting for? Drop by Jawa Caravan Three to take advantage of our unbeatable prices TODAY!!!!
-beep-
Come in, Manta? This is Red Six. Plans for -- hang on, this is the wrong number, Wedge! This is some sort of farm! Um, message over. Forget you ever heard that. RedSixoverandout.
-beep-
Owen, this is Kenobi again. You didn't keep an eye on Luke, did you? Does the future of the Jedi order mean absolutely nothing to you? I'm heading into town. I also recommend that you pack and do not answer the holocom.
-beep-
Oh, except for my calls. Answer my calls.
-beep-
Hello? Aunt Beru? Um, please-don't-be-Uncle-Owen…Yeah. Anyway, if either of you get to the holocom again, I'm at the Darklighters. In their basement. Could you maybe bring over some food? And a blaster?
-beep-
Hello, and thank you for subscribing to Coruscant Dating Services, Mr. Hutt. We currently have zero expressions of interest in your profile, but we will continue to search for your soulmate! In the mesntime, would you like to take advantage of our members-only offer of subscription to Cosmo-Hutt Magazine? Coruscant Dating Services members pay a mere 99 credits per standard year and receive one month completely free!
-beep-
Luke? You in? This is Fixer. Man, that explosion was awesome. Tough luck getting blamed for it, and everything, but that's how it goes sometimes. Besides, Wormie, your uncle won't get too mad. He'll get furious! Ha-ha!
-beep-
Good morning, Imperial Citizen. Your fines for the partial destruction of an Imperial shuttle have been set at five billion, eighty-five thousand and seventeen credits. Your fines for the partial destruction of Lord Vader's cape have been set at death. Stormtroopers will arrive at your abode in between 8-10 working days in order to carry out these punishments. For the glory of the Empire!
-beep-
Are you satisfied with your current exterminator, Beru and/or Owen Lars? Mary Sue Extermination uses the latest and greatest technologies for the best results in ridding your area of pests. We have offices in Mos Eisley, Mos Espa, and Anchorhead, and we hope to see you soon!
-beep-
This call is to inform you that you are under suspicion for harboring a known Jedi trai- arggh!
-beep-
Lars? Kenobi, yet again. Luke isn't in town, but may I just -- oh, blast it -- may I just suggest that you leave? As in, now? Actually, I'll probably be coming with you at the rate that this is goin--
-beep-
Hello, um, Owen ... Lars? ... yeah, Owen Lars. Look, this is Han Solo, captain of the Millennium Falcon, and I just found this kid on my ship who swears you'll pay me if I take him home? I'm on my way, but keep in mind that I do expect credits. Several thousand credits.
-beep-
Or more.
-beep-
Owen? Kenobi. Where is Luke?!
-beep-
Hey, Wormie, you make it home yet? Camie's worried sick about you, and I mean, I don't want you to actually get arrested. What? No, I'm not Owen Lars. The name's Fixer- all right, all right, look, sir, I'm hanging up the-
-beep-
Hello, Mr. Owen Lars! We at Coruscant Credit Union greatly value the contributions of our loyal backwater moisture farmers, and we'd like to express our appreciation by pre-qualifying you for the Coruscant Credit Union Quadranium Club Card, starting at an amazing credit limit of 500 credits! Low interest rates, high credit limits, and frequent spacegoer mile programs are just a few of the benefits available to Quadranium Club Card members! Look us up on the Holonet and transmit your personalized code to claim your new Quadranium Club Card—today!
-beep-
Good Morning, Imperial Citizen. Additional fines have been levied against you for two charges of being an accessory to disturbance of the peace, bringing your total to five billion, ninety-one thousand and seventy-seven credits. We advise you to have this on hand upon arriving for your execution. To ensure that your fine is processed as expeditiously as possible, please use Imperial credits only and include a two-thousand credit service bribe for your corrections officer. Have a loyal and productive standard day!
-beep-
Owen? Owen, this is Beru. Enough is enough, answer me already. The entire town area's in turmoil, and a freighter just flew overhead low enough to scrape a building. And I lost your bantha steaks, I'm sorry. Someone stepped on the bag. I love you!
-beep-
Lars? Kenobi. You owe me big time. I just spent two hours mind tricking, hiding, and bribing -- not that I expect you to pay me back, or anything, after all, I'm just a penniless hermit who might have needed those credits for something important like oh, I don't know, staying alive -- my way out of that mess for you. And then I managed to finally find Luke, only to discover that he was with a smuggler who was demanding more money. Crisis averted for now. I think.
-beep-
This is Solo. Can I have your stepbrother's number? Kenobi assured me that he'd pay most handsomely for my services.
-beep-
He'd better.
-beep-
Good evening, Lars Residence. This is Anchorhead Food and Provisions, calling to remind you that during yesterday's turmoil, we believe you may have left without paying. It is advisable that you pay up with interest soon. We know Jabba.
-beep-
Luke? It's Biggs. Tough to hear that you aren't allowed to fly anything for the next fifty years, but anyway, I was wondering if you wanted to come out to Beggar's Canyon with us next week? I'm sure you can sit and watch.
-beep-
Received word of tumult, I have. For the third time this year, entangled with Empire you have been. Tempting the Force, you are. Expect a lifeday fruitcake this year, you should not.
-beep-
Uncle Owen? I really swear this one was not my fault.
-beep-
Hello, Owen, Beru, or Luke is awesome! You have 105 unread messages in your GalacticTech Inbox.
