Chapter 4:

Janet had just arrived in the Edwardson's home town of Hope, MA. It was about an hour away from the nursing home and was absolutely beautiful she thought. It was a town full of historic looking homes and several bed and breakfasts, perfect for the out of town vacationers it seemed. She couldn't help but think that there was some higher power working in this situation as the name of the town was Hope. She hoped that this six months would help her to understand herself better and help her to understand what went so wrong with her relationship with Eddie.

She pulled up to the address that Mrs. Edwardson had written down and could not believe her eyes. The house that stood before her was the most beautiful Victorian house she had ever seen. The yard was landscaped so beautifully with lots of flowers and the greenest shrubs and trees. The house had a porch that seemed to go all the way around. She parked her Jeep in the driveway and walked up to the house. The porch had the most inviting wicker chairs and couches. She could picture herself relaxing on one of the couches reading her favorite book, sipping on an ice tea or better yet her favorite beer. It was as if something lead her to this place.

As she walked through the door the inside of the house was even more spectacular than the outside. The kitchen was huge with marble counters and oak cabinets going all the way to the ceiling but the most eye catching room was the all season room in the back of the house that over looked the garden that Mrs. Edwardson told her about. It also had comfortable chairs and plants. It just felt like she was home. The gardens were so much more beautiful than Mrs. Edwardson could possibly describe. She just couldn't wait to get out there and do some work. She made it her sole mission to make sure that this house and everything that surrounded it would be taken care of to the best of Janet's ability.

Later on in the evening, she sat in the all season's room thinking over her day. She unloaded her Jeep and found an amazing bedroom to call her own. She unpacked her clothes and got the bathroom set up just the way she liked it. It was a busy day and thankfully so as it kept her from thinking about what was really on her mind but now that she was relaxing with a nice hot cup of coffee her mind drifted back to one thing that she couldn't run from, Eddie.

Her heart ached for the loss of her relationship with Eddie. She missed his phone calls and silly text messages. She missed when he would show up after work and spent the evening just hanging out with her at Sully's. She missed when he looked at her and smiled but most of all she missed his arms around her making her feel so safe and secure. The more these thoughts entered into her head, it was as if they were connected to the tears that immediately began to fall from her eyes. How could things have gone so wrong? Why didn't he talk to me that day? Why couldn't he tell me Rory was back? Why did he shut his phone off? Was he unhappy with me? How could I feel so in love with him and not know how he felt about me? More importantly, how could I love him so much and not trust him? Something is just not right with me and it can't just be insecurities…there just has to be more to it…but what?

Janet thought, "I guess this is what grandma was talking about and what I am here to find out…what inside of me always seems to think the worst or maybe it is that I can't trust completely that someone could truly love me…for me."

"I wonder how Eddie is doing…if he is out of the hospital…if he is healing…if he is still angry…how is he going to feel when he finds out that I am gone…is he going to care or maybe he is relieved…he was so angry with me and why wouldn't he be I SLEPT with Rooster…I just don't think I could have faced him again…I will never forget that look in his eyes for the rest of my life…maybe in time I could go back…I just feel so lost…tomorrow is a new day so that is where I need to start."

A few weeks had gone by and Janet felt that she had spent plenty of time in the house getting to know where everything was and had even ventured out into the yard to do some work out there. She really did love this house. She felt more at ease being here in Hope, more at ease than she had felt in a long time if she was being honest with herself. She had met some of the neighbors that came by to meet her after receiving phone calls from the Edwardson's that she would be looking after their house. She felt so welcomed by them and really by every interaction she had with the people she met at the grocery store or the gas station. Oddly enough, she didn't feel like an outsider at all in this very small community she felt more like a welcomed guest. She decided it was time to get out and meet some more people.

She decided to go to the local bar, Big Jim's to have a bite to eat and perhaps a beer. She walked in and found it eerily similar to Sully's, of course the bar was a bit bigger and had a different look to it, it pretty much was the same. She looked around and spotted the regulars that were talking to the bartenders and the others eating and talking with each other. It made her miss Sully that much more. She had struggled with how she left Sully in such a hurry and how he was so understanding but yet looked more sad than angry. She truly felt like that Sully was a part of her family but he was also a part of Eddie's and with all that she had taken from him she felt she couldn't take that too.

She sat on a bar stool and immediately one of the bartenders, well the biggest one, Jim came over and said "let me guess you must be Janet Meadows." Janet was shocked.

"How did you know that?"

"Well for one I am Big Jim I own this place and pretty know most of what happens here in Hope but I also happen to be Mrs. Edwardson's or as we like to call her June's brother. She called to tell us that you would be looking after things at her place and wanted us to make ya feel welcome…I just thought you woulda made it down here sooner than this" Jim said with a big smile.

Janet smiled and laughed, "yeah I have been meaning to get out a bit more but that house is so amazing that I just couldn't leave…and her garden is so beautiful…"

Jim laughed and said, "now I understand why they chose you…I didn't think anyone could love that garden more than my sister but apparently she found someone who could appreciate it just as much. What'll ya have…it is on the house."

"Seriously? Are the people in this town really this nice or will this wear off after a while…I really am enjoying the town of Hope." Janet said.

"Seriously…we take care of our people and you truly seem to be one of us…at least as far as I am concerned…now what would ya like?

Janet ordered a burger and fries and her favorite bottled beer. Her and Jim became the fastest of friends and sat and chatted throughout her meal. She had no idea that she actually spent several hours there because time just flew by. She told Jim that she had worked in a bar in her home town named Sully's so if he ever found himself needing a helping hand to give her a call. Jim simply said, "well I know where to find ya." With that Janet said her goodbyes and headed back to her "new" home.

It wasn't too late when she arrived back so she decided to call Hannah. Hannah nearly screamed when she saw Janet's name come up on the caller ID of her cell phone.

"Oh My God is that really you Janet! I have missed you so much…where are you…what are you doing? Are you ok? Why didn't you tell me what really happened with Eddie? I know I am firing so many questions at you…I'll stop…really Janet how are you…"

"I am ok Hannah. I am sorry that I didn't tell you but it was your engagement party and we were supposed to be celebrating love not crying over something stupid I did…I just couldn't stay there Hannah…I couldn't face him…he was so angry and said the most hurtful things…"

"yeah I know"

"how do you know?' Janet replied a little surprised

"when I hadn't heard from you, I went to your house and saw everything covered and completely panicked so then I went to talk with Sully and he said you quit…he said you told him that you felt like you had to leave…I couldn't understand why you would feel like that…I knew that there was something that I was missing so I went to the one person who could answer that question, Eddie."

"YOU DID WHAT? Hannah, he is already so angry with me…what did you say?"

"Janet, I had a very long talk with Eddie…well it was more of me speaking my mind and telling him exactly what I thought and then he told me what he said to you…I was shocked and stunned…I couldn't even speak…I shook my head and started to cry…I couldn't believe he said those things to you…he seemed a bit surprised by my reaction…I left after that…well I left after saying that you were gone…"

"You told Eddie that I left town? Did he seem…did he care?" Janet replied hesitantly

"You know what Janet…I don't really know what he looked like because after hearing the words I couldn't look at him…I am sure that he cared but Janet I understand why you left and I think that maybe it is a good idea…maybe Eddie is just not the right person for you…you deserve someone who knows what an awesome person you really are and appreciates you…I don't know if Eddie ever really did…I don't know if Eddie is capable of appreciating anything…I think Eddie may have just as many insecurities if not more than you do…maybe some time away from one another would be a good thing…"

"No Hannah I don't think Eddie loved me…I loved him, I love him you know that Hannah but neither one of us was willing to talk about our feelings…I didn't because I was afraid that he would be freaked out and run and he probably didn't because he didn't feel the same way and couldn't tell me…regardless I made the mistake…and you know he will never forgive what I did…look at how he treated Ikey?"

"Janet, I don't think that is it at all…and just for the record Ikey is the one that saved him that nice and broke up the fight or the beating of Eddie and called the ambulance so they are actually speaking again. See so there is hope but I am more concerned about you than Eddie." Hannah replied sadly.

"Hannah I know that you are looking out for me but trust me when I tell you that I am in a very good place, I am safe and I will have lots of time to think about this and hopefully make some sense out of my messed up existence"

"you never did say where you were…"

"I am not planning on it. I know this may sound weird but I feel like I just need to be off the map for a while. I am not telling anyone where I am. I will only have my phone on when I make a call so you will just have to leave messages and I'll return them when I can…I think I just need to take some time away from all of it and figure it out. But I haven't forgotten about you and your wedding so I will continue to work with Emily and will return for the bachelorette party and rehearsal dinner and of course the wedding so please don't think that I am leavin ya hanging because I would never do that."

"I know that Janet and please know that I am here for you if you need me. I really hope you find what you are looking for there so someday you can come back to the Ridge…I don't know if I can live my own life without my best friend being in an undisclosed area…" Hannah smiled.

"I promise you Hannah that I'll always be your best friend but I don't know if I will come back to the Ridge…everything is so confusing and emotional…I just need some time, K?"

"K"

"Well I better get going…take care of yourself Janet…and stay in touch from your off the map location…love ya."

"love ya right back…bye" With that Janet hung up the phone and shut it off. Once again the tears began to fall. "Am I ever going to feel better again…am I doing the right thing…why does this hurt so bad." Janet began to shut off all the lights and headed to her bedroom.

As she has done every night since that horrible day in the hospital, she put Eddie's favorite football Jersey on and curled up in bed, drifting off to sleep with the happy memories of Eddie in her mind. She thought, "tomorrow is another day in this little town called Hope."