A/N Thanks go to my lovely readers and the ever-wonderful Vida Loca and iheartlife89- you guy's rock!
Italics = flashbacks. I wasn't going to put the scene between Philippa and Friar Gregory in but I think it fits here and it helps explain how she feels without the need for endless soul searching. This fic is T rated!
Enjoy x
"It's so good to be home" Albin sighed as he stepped through the halls of Englefield Manor.
"I've missed this place" Robert echoed, "It feels like nothing's changed"
"Oh, but it has" Philippa said quietly from behind them, "things are bad here"
Robert took a seat by the fireplace and Albin moved to stand behind him in his usual spot. Then he remembered himself and took a seat also, revelling in the privilege. When he and Robert where still servant and master he used to come down on his own and sit by the fire. He only ever did it when no one was around, and it was a luxury he very rarely allowed himself. But now, as a free man, he felt able to enjoy the comfort as often as possible.
Philippa joined them, but she sat very upright. The men could see that she wasn't at ease at all.
"Look, I'm sure you noticed as you rode through, but things aren't so good in England. The crops have failed more times then worth mentioning, and the taxes are bleeding the people dry"
"Things are better here," Albin said, tiring to be hopeful
"Yes, they are. My brother and I have been looking after the Aldermaston and Engelfield estates so we've been able to limit the damage. But it's not enough. Now our help has to be more… secretive"
"Which is why you're working with Adam and Simon" Robert continued for her
"Exactly. They started their little…operation a few months back. If anyone riding through looks like they have a bit of cash to spare then Adam and Simon relive them of it. They then distribute it to those who need it. I gave them any of the grain I can spare and money. They take enough to keep themselves and their families going, no more. The rest goes to those who need it."
"It's a good system you've got going there," said Robert, genuinely impressed by his former sweetheart
"It was; your coming back signals new problems. A lot of the nobility is returning which will no doubt mean more taxes as they attempt to refurnish the castles"
"Now hang on there…!"
"And the King! If he comes back we could be in even worse trouble"
"Careful Philippa, I don't like the direction this conversation is going in" Robert warned. Philippa could be very outspoken in her beliefs and he didn't want her to say anything that could get her into trouble, especially when the servants where just within earshot.
"Your right" she softened a little and leaned back form the chair, "and there are good things. Richard is coming back"
"That is good" Robert replied, suddenly cooling. It had only just dawned on him that she hadn't asked how he was after the Holy Land. He had wanted an opportunity to show off his battle scars. If he was honest, he expected her to be angry with him. It had been almost two years since they had last spoken.
That was his fault, and he knew it. He did feel very bad for not writing to her once, and he knew that he had avoided talking to her for purely selfish reasons. He felt guilty and rightly so.
The reason he hadn't kept contact was more complex then he could explain and he didn't want Philippa to think that he was just making excuses. So he kept his mouth shut.
Albin on the other hand… "Richard never stopped talking about you and Ralph"
"Oh did he now?" she said keeping her eyes on Robert. He faltered a little; anger he could deal with but this look she was giving him was more…
"Yes, it was nice to see a friendly face in the holy land, wasn't it Master?"
"I'm sure it was. Richard often said that he was glad you where there, especially after…"
All there of them felt a sudden wave of sadness. Philippa didn't mean to mention Peter and she was sorry that she had. She wasn't sure how he had died, but she did know that Robert and Albin had been there to pick up the pieces.
Albin's lip quivered unintentionally. Him and Peter had been friends and he had been there, holding his hand, when he died.
He tried to hide his sorrow but Philippa saw it and took his hand, "You where his friend, Albin. He loved you very much. I know you where there… Richard, he wouldn't have managed without you"
"Thanks Philippa" he said, voice shaking a little
"Are you alright? You didn't get hurt did you?" she kept Albin's hand but addressed both the men.
"Well…" Albin began
"We're fine Philippa" Robert said quickly, "just the odd cut and bruise. Albin got an arrow wound in the arm but apart from that…"
Albin gave his former master a quizzical look. Robert didn't often lie, but when he did it was for the right reasons. Albin could see that the truth would only hurt Philippa, and that was the last thing he wanted to do. So he nodded, "That's all. We were lucky"
"I'm glad to hear it. It's very nice to have you back." She was sincere but there was a look of hurt in her eyes that made Roberts heart break. He hated the feeling that he was the one who hand caused that look in her eyes.
"Right then gentlemen." She said after a while, "You look like you could use a rest and I have work to do" she stood up gracefully and curtseyed to the both of them, "good day"
The men stood still as she walked through the kitchen and out of the stable door.
"Did you tell her that I made you my equal?" Robert asked, watching her go
"No"
"Well I didn't tell her"
"You know what Philippa's like" Albin reasoned, "she was like that to me even before the holy land"
"I never noticed it"
"You wouldn't have done, you weren't a servant. Philippa always treats everyone the same way; with respect"
"Do you think she still respects me?"
"I don't think she did in the first place"
"But you just said that…"
"Well she doesn't seem angry with you. Its more like she's…disappointed"
"And I feel terrible about it"
"Maybe you should…"
"Go after her? I don't think she'll want to see me"
"She might need some help with the grain" now Albin was getting desperate. He knew it would be better for the two of them to just talk it over instead of acting so scared of each other.
Robert laughed, "No she won't want to see me"
"How do you know? Look Robert, I'm going to have a much-needed bath. What you do is up to you"
Robert thought for a moment. It was true; he wanted a bath as well. Philippa had ordered one for him and Albin as soon as she had got to the manor. Albin had been delighted to learn that Rose was still working there and no doubt wanted to freshen up before commencing two years worth of flirting.
Yes he would go upstairs, have a bath and then work out what to do about Philippa. So why had he not moved form the spot? And why was he still staring at the door Philippa had left through?
"Forgive me father, for I have sinned"
"Tell me your troubles child"
"I dreamed again, last night father"
"Child, dreaming is not a sin. It is a natural process"
"But father, I dream of sinful things"
"The lord forgives you. It is impossible to control one's dreams"
"Isn't it? Can I not pray to God? Ask him to take the dreams away?"
"What if your dreams are sent by God?"
"You think he would send these visions to me?"
"I cannot make a judgement if you will not tell me what these dreams are of"
Philippa sighed. She knew she would have to confess some day.
"I dream of my wedding almost all the time now. I am lead up the aisle by my brother, Richard. I wear a dark purple dress and a veil. You are in my dream too, father. You give the ceremony. When my veil is lifted I see… I see…"
"What do you see child"
"Robert. I see lord Robert of Berkshire. He smiles at me, and kisses me, and I smile back. There is another man at the ceremony, a man in black and yellow. He looks at me with friendship and sadness. He doesn't look at Richard or at Robert, just at me. He mouths the words 'thank you'"
"Do you know this man?"
"No, but he is very handsome"
"Thinking a man is handsome is not a sin my child"
"I know father. Sometimes I wake up at that point. Others I don't. Often the dream continues. We are at the wedding feast and there is dancing and drinking, everyone is happy. Except the man in black and yellow, but I get the feeling that he is never outwardly happy. When I get tired Robert picks me up and carries me to our chamber. The dream is so real. I can feel him against my skin and I feel like I'm soaring with happiness. He kicks the door to the chamber open and carries me over the threshold. He kisses me again and again. Then he…" Philippa broke off abruptly
"Child?"
"Sometimes I wake up here. Other times the dream continues. This is where I sin father."
"Tell me child"
"His hands go down my body. I pull his jacket off, and his tunic. I put my hands on his bare skin. I can feel the heat on my fingers; feel his heartbeat on my palm. He unlaces the back of my dress. I watch it fall down and when it reaches the floor I step out of it and kick it away. But then when I look back up… it's not Robert who is looking at me."
"Is it the man in Black and Yellow?"
"No. It is… I can't remember is face, I never can. He takes me by both shoulders and kisses me hard. I don't like it so I try and pull away, but then he only holds me tighter. He hurts me and I cry out. He laughs at me, and slaps me, tells me to keep quiet. He trows me hard to the bed and he… he… oh father, don't make me say it"
"It's alright Philippa, you don't have to say it" he can hear in her voice that she was close to tears
"Father Gregory?"
"Yes Philippa"
"Do these dreams make me a bad person?"
"Why would they make you bad?"
"Because I enjoy them, up until the last bit. And they scare me, even the good dreams"
"Why?"
"Because I never see Ralph there. I look for him, but I never see him. That scares me"
"Philippa, just remember, these dreams are not real. These events have not come to pass"
"No, and they never will"
"Philippa! Philippa wait for me!"
Robert spurred his horse on. He had spotted Philippa leading her horse just outside the village and called out to her.
"Philippa, please!"
To his relief, she turned. "Shouldn't you be in the bath?"
"Philippa please, I…" to his horror she turned from him again
"Go have your bath" she said, jumping onto her horse, "I have nothing more to say to you"
Robert and his stead stood quietly, momentarily shocked by her curt reply.
"No, wait a moment" he protested, flowing her, "we need to talk"
"No we don't!" she shouted back to him "You need a bath!"
"What is this sudden obsession with baths?" he asked, pulling along side her.
"You smell"
"Granted, your honesty never fails you. But I need to talk to you"
"Did it never occur to you that I do not want to talk to you?"
"Why not?"
She stopped the horse abruptly, "Two years Robert. You haven't felt the need to talk to me for two years." She sighed, "I have been perfectly civil and polite to you. What more do you want from me? Do you really think that we can go back to?"
"We can if we want to"
"Well I don't" she rode of again but Robert fought to keep up with her
"Your too stubborn for your own good" she sighed when she realised he had caught up with her
"So are you" he smiled and was relived to see her smile back, "look, at least let me ride home with you, for old times sake."
She nodded but didn't say anything.
"I missed you," he said after a few moments of silence
"I missed you too." She replied quietly.
A/N This chapter was going to be longer, but I really need to do some revision. It's got lots of dialouge in it too which makes it shorter. Will watch the episode tonight and try and get the next instalment up by the end of Monday.
Thanks as ever for the support. I love you guys! L x
