Chapter Four: Never Thought
Edward's POV
My body was completely numb. This was supposed to be the second happiest day of my life...next to the day I married Rosalie. But, it turned into the day I feared most...losing my Rosalie. I knew she didn't look good...I knew she was tired. I should have said something to the doctors. I should have done something.
"Do you want to meet her?" I heard a voice say, and it was then that I realized I was sitting on the cold, hospital floor.
"Who?" I asked as Emmett helped me stand up.
"Your daughter." The doctor said.
"My daughter?" I asked, looking around the room, trying to figure out was going on. Suddenly...nothing made sense anymore. It was all blurry and I couldn't think straight. "Daughter?"
"Yes, you had a baby girl." the doctor told me, trying to force a smile. "She's perfectly healthy."
"No, I don't wanna meet her." I snipped and ran out of the waiting room. I heard my mother call after me, but I couldn't stop. That little baby was the best thing in my life right now...she was everything to me. But, all I could think about was if she wasn't here...Rosalie would be. I was a terrible father...I was blaming that little baby for killing Rosalie. It wasn't her fault...it wasn't anyones fault. But, I was angry and just needed someone to blame.
I found myself standing on the sidewalk in the front of the hospital, and I fell to the curb. I buried my head in my knees, and just...cried. I hadn't cried from being sad since I was thirteen at my grandfathers funeral and now I remembered why. I hated crying...completely hated it. But, when it started...I couldn't stop. I let all of the anger, sadness, regret just fall with every tear I shed.
"She needs you, Edward." I heard my father say as he sat down next to me. "That little baby needs you."
"I can't dad." I cried. "I can't...I can't be a dad. Not without Rose."
"You have to be." He pointed out. "You're all that little girl has...she needs you right now."
"What if...what if I can't love her enough?" I asked. "I feel like...all I'm going to think about is how she took Rosalie away from me."
"She didn't, Edward. You know that." My father whispered. "Besides, you'll always have apart of Rosalie in your daughter. She's beautiful."
"You...you saw her?" I asked, wiping my face with a tissue he gave me.
"And held her." He smiled. "The nurses told us it would be good for her to be held by people who loved her while you were taking everything in."
"Does she look like her?" I asked. "Like Rosalie."
"Yes," He smiled. "She has a small patch of blonde hair on her small head."
"She's gone, dad." I cried, falling into his hug. I loved my daughter and I always would. But, right now...I didn't have Rosalie and I wasn't sure how I was going to handle this. After a while, my father dragged me back inside and down the hall to the nursery. I looked inside and saw a nurse tending to the crib that was labeled 'Baby Girl Masen'
"Her name is Caroline." I pointed out. "Caroline Rose."
Nine Years Later
"Caroline!" I called up the stairs. "Come on! You're going to be late!"
"Daddy, I'm coming!" She huffed as she barreled down the stairs. "How do I look?" She asked, spinning around. She was everything that Rosalie was. She was tall, thin, gorgeous with beautiful blue eyes. The only thing she seemed to get from me was the brown hair, but other than that...she was Rosalie.
"Beautiful!" I laughed, handing her her backpack. "Here's the money for pictures, please don't lose it." I begged since last year I had to close the store to give her the money after she'd lost it.
"I won't." She sighed, putting the envelope in her folder. The last nine years had been hard. I was a junior in college with a newborn baby and Rosalie was gone. I'd barely graduated on time, but thankfully my mother stayed with me during the week until Caroline was old enough and I had enough money to pay a nanny. But, Caroline was a sweetheart and I couldn't have asked for a better daughter.
I still missed Rosalie every day. She was the love of my life, Caroline's mother. I would never stop loving her or missing her. But, as Caroline grew older...I grew lonelier. I missed having a grown up with me all the time...I missed the love of a woman. The touch, the kiss. I missed everything about having a girl in my life. Rosalie and I were together for almost six years before she died.
"Can I bring this picture to mom too?" She asked as she buckled her seat belt.
"Of course." I smiled. I talked about Rosalie often around Caroline. I needed her to know just how great her mother was, and I wanted her to feel as close to Rosalie as she could. She slept with the stuffed animal I'd won for her the night I proposed, she had our wedding picture next to her bed, and always traveled with a picture of Rosalie in her backpack.
Every year I brought Caroline to her gravesite and we put her school picture and a recent picture of the two of us by the stone. Even though Rosalie could always see us, Caroline wanted to make sure Rose knew what she looked like. I pulled out of the parking spot and headed in the direction of her school.
"Daddy?" She asked as we sat at a red light.
"What, Caroline?"
"Can I go to public school?" She asked. I wanted her to be as safe as possible and I put her in a private school when she was in first grade. I thought it owuld be better for her, and I told myself when she wanted to go to public school, I'd think about it.
"We'll talk about this at dinner." I told her. "Right now, it's time to enjoy your jeans day and get an amazing picture taken." I smiled as I pulled into a parking space in the schools parking lot.
"Promise we'll talk about it?"
"Pinky." I smiled, holding out my pinky for her. She laughed as we linked pinky's and got out of the car. I walked her to the door as usual and hugged her before she went inside.
"Don't lose that money!" I called as she walked inside. I watched making sure she made it inside before heading back home to open the store up. The apartment Rosalie and I had was a college one, and once I was graduated I had to find another one. With the help of my parents, I was able to buy the store front, and convert the upstairs into an apartment. It was small, but Caroline and I didn't need much.
I cleaned up around the store before Felix, my assistant manager walked in.
"Hey, Edward." He greeted as he clocked in. "How're you?"
"Good, how was vacation?" I asked since he and his wife took a trip to Europe for their ten year anniversary.
"Amazing." He gushed. "London, Paris, Rome...they are not overrated." He laughed. "You and Caroline should take a trip out of the country...she'd love it."
"Maybe one day." I smiled, trying to shrug off the pain in my chest. Rosalie always dreamed of going to Italy for our honeymoon, but it was too expensive for us. We ended up flying to Hawaii for a week, and although she had a good time, I knew she wanted to be in Rome or Venice. I promised myself once we had the money, I would take her to Italy as a surprise.
"But, it was good to get home." He said, changing the subject. "Jane and I missed the girls."
"Yeah, I hate being away from Caroline for two days." I laughed. "I don't think I could leave her for a week."
"As I said...take her with you." He shrugged as Alex, the broke college kid, walked inside. We opened and hour later and as usual, it was a slow morning. Not too many people needed to buy a guitar at nine a.m. But, the store did really well and business was booming lately. I guess being one of the only music stores nearby helps the situation.
After losing Rosalie, I decided to change majors. I was premed, already applying to medical schools. But, when the realization dawned on me that I wouldn't be able to save everyone, I dropped and became a business major. My mom and dad constantly questioned me what I would do with a business degree, and until the last semester of my senior year, I had no clue. I had a one year old at home, and had no clue what I wanted to do.
But, as I was driving to pick Caroline up from a friends house, I saw the local music store had a 'CLOSING FOR GOOD' sign and then I knew. Music was how I won Rosalie over when she wasn't sure she wanted to be in a relationship. Music was my salvation after losing Rosalie and I knew I wanted to own a music store. I talked to the owner, got a reasonable price and talked to my folks.
It took a month to convince them to help me, but they finally did and I was thrilled. 'MASEN'S MUSIC' opened six months after I graduated and although it hadn't always been easy, it was worth it. Especially when I converted the empty upstairs into an apartment. I could work and I didn't have to pay for a babysitter. I used a baby monitor upstairs while Caroline was home and if there was any real danger, I was two seconds away.
Life was as good as it could be for Caroline and I. We had food in our fridge, clothes on our back, and she was lucky enough to have a college fund. The only thing that was missing was my Rosalie and that killed me every single day.
Things began to pick up, and I was taken back by a beautiful brunette who walked into the store. She was gorgeous and I couldn't breathe when I looked at her. I hadn't felt this way since I saw Rosalie for the first time, and it felt good to think another girl was pretty. I saw her looking at the piano books and decided to go over and help her.
"Can I help you find something?" I asked as I came up from behind her.
"My son's nine, and started playing the piano last year." She told me. "His teacher suggested a higher level difficulty book for him to play."
"Well, what book does he have now?" I asked.
"He has all of the Nancy Faber and Randall Faber books." She told me.
"Those are what I started with." I told her, remembering my father bringing them to me when I first started. "Is he getting tired of the simplicity?"
"I think so."
"Does he like Disney movies?" I asked, reaching and picking up a book on the shelf. "Because this book is perfect."
"He does," She told me as she flipped through the book. "I think this is perfect."
"Great, do you need anything else, miss?"
"Nope, this is all."
"Well, come on." I told her, leading her over to the counter.. "I'm Edward," I told her, even though I didn't know why. I normally didn't introduce myself to the customers unless they asked me to or did it first.
"Bella," She said, her voice slightly cracking. I smiled at her before slipping the book into the bag.
"How old is your son?" I asked, handing her the bag, still not understanding why I was asking her this. I never got into the customers business. This was so unlike me and I could see Felix snickering from where he was hanging a new guitar on the wall.
"He'll be ten in August." She smiled, her cheeks still rosy with a blush. "Well, thanks for the help."
"No problem." I smiled as I watched her walk out. I tried to shake the feeling off, but I couldn't and I didn't even hear Alex walk up behind me.
"You okay, Mr. Masen?" He asked, making me jump.
"Yeah," I shrugged, giving him a list of the things I wanted him to clean up around the store. At three, I left the store in the hands of Felix so I could pick Caroline up from school. She was standing in her usual spot with her group of friends and ran over to me as usual.
"Daddy!" She called, saying goodbye to her friends and running over to me. She ran right into my arms and I picked her up as usual. I would have made her a daddy's girl either way, but our bond is stronger than I could have ever imagined. I don't even think about the hour that I wasn't with her after she was born. "Can I do my schoolwork downstairs today?"
"Caroline," I warned. She only got to come downstairs and hang around in the store after her work was finished. Felix had known her since she was five and they always goofed off together. I knew if she was downstairs, she wouldn't get any work down. "You know the rules."
"I know, but rules are meant to be broken." She laughed as she got in the car.
"And who told you that?"
"Uncle Emmett." She laughed. My brother was very close to her niece, and it was like having two dads when he was around. In fact, sometimes I felt like she liked him more than me.
"Well, he's wrong." I said, rolling my eyes. "As usual. You get your homework done and then you can com downstairs."
"Fine," She sighed. I wasn't one to tell her no, so when I did, she gave me the silent treatment for as long as she could. I sighed as I pulled out of the parking space, bracing myself for a night of silence. We got back to the store and she ran upstairs, slamming the door making me cringe. I finished up and went upstairs to start making dinner.
The two of us ate in silence for a while, and it was times like these when I missed Rosalie most. When I was nine, I didn't have these little mood swings and such little things didn't set me off. I had no clue in how to raise a girl and although I had been doing a pretty good job, I was still clueless. My mother helped when she could, but it wasn't enough. Caroline needed her mother, and I needed Rosalie. Nothing would change that.
"So, I've been thinking about what you said this morning." I told her, and her head snapped up, smiling at me. "And, if your grandparents say it's okay, I think it would be good for you to go to public school."
"Really?" She screamed, throwing her fork down and running to hug me.
"Yes, but only if Grandma and Pap say it's okay." I told her. When I told my parents I was thinking of enrolling Caroline in private school, they jumped at the chance to pay for it. When I told them, I'd already worked everything out with the bank, but they didn't want me to have to worry about another bill. They told me they wanted to do what they could since they weren't around as much as they wanted to be.
"Okay! Deal!" She agreed, hugging me even tighter. "Can I call them now?" She asked and I looked at my watch, and figured they were just finishing up with dinner.
"Sure." I smiled. "Here," I said, handing her my phone, she dialed and put it on speaker so we could both talk to them about it.
"Hello?" My father's voice answered and Caroline nearly screamed hello back. "Hey sweetie! Esme, Caroline's on the phone!"
"Hi, baby!" My mother gushed. The three of them talked about Caroline's grades and how her art was coming along. Then, the minute they asked about school, Caroline jumped at the chance to ask them.
"I wanna go to public school!" Caroline snapped. "I mean, I've been wanting to go to public school and daddy said that you guys had to say it was okay if I went to public school."
"I don't know, Caroline." My father said, but only sarcastically. "I mean, don't you think having to pick out an outfit everyday will be tiring?"
"Well, I mean..."
"Oh sweetheart...he's only kidding." My mother laughed before Caroline screamed with happiness. After another few minutes of them talking, I told her to go finish her homework.
"Thanks for this, guys." I said as I took them off speaker. "I mean, I think it might be good for her. When I started her in private school, I thought it'd be best for her. But, now that she's asking for public school...I don't know...I think it's good for her to be able to pick what she wants."
"Oh, honey. It's no problem." My mother told me. "We told you we'd pay for it until you didn't need it anymore. She doesn't want to go there anymore so you don't need it."
"Thanks again." I said, glancing at the clock. "Look, I gotta go close down the store. Talk to you guys later?"
"Sure, bye son." My dad said, hanging up the phone. I checked on Caroline before going down and letting Felix go home and locked up. I went back upstairs and my daughter was already in the shower, getting ready for bed. While she was in the shower, I climbed out onto the fire escape and just watch the sun go down. It was this time of day that I missed Rosalie most.
During the day while Caroline was in school, I was in the store with Felix and other employees. When I was home, Caroline normally was too. But, times when she wasn't with me...especially when she was getting ready for bed, made me feel alone and missing Rosalie. Caroline normally caught me in the act and I was quick to turn it off, but I could never stop it from turning on.
"Daddy?" Caroline asked through the window. "I'm ready for bed."
"You brush your teeth?" I asked, climbing back inside and closing the window.
"Yeah, will you read to me tonight?" She asked, handing me a book. She normally read to herself when I said goodnight to her, but there were still nights when she wanted me to read. I smiled as I picked her up and carried her to her small bedroom next to mine. I laid her down in bed and crawled in next to her.
"Where's Papa going with the ax?" said Fern to her mother asthey were setting the table for breakfast.
"Out to the hoghouse," replied Mrs. Arable. "Some pigs were bornlast night.""I don't see why he needs an ax," continued Fern, who was onlyeight.
I began to read her the beginning of Charlotte's Web, Rosalie's favorite book growing up. It had to be the tenth time we've read it together, but she was hooked on it. It was just another part of Rosalie to keep with her, and we didn't even finish the first chapter before she fell asleep. I carefully got out of the bed, kissed her goodnight, and closed the door.
I finished cleaning up around the apartment and sat down on the couch, turning on a rerun of Friends. I sighed when I realized it was the episode Chandler and Monica got engaged, and nearly teared up watching it. I didn't have much money for a ring, but the proposal was everything she wanted it to be. Her favorite movie was The Notebook, and I took her out in a little rowboat and proposed. She said it was the most romantic thing she'd ever seen.
As the episode ended, I realized how empty this apartment was when Caroline was asleep. The older Caroline got, the more I realized how much I wanted someone else in my life to love.
