My Dwindling Sanity

Rating: M

Pairings: ItaNeji, AkatsukiLeaderNeji, some Uchihacest if you look real hard

Warnings: Swearing. OOCness. Yaoi (slash, boyboy romance). Spoilers for anyone who doesn't know about Oro-chan, the whole Hyuuga Main/Branch House crap, and the Akatsuki. Sexual content (nothing lemony/limey, more … introspective thoughts on smexy boys and insinuation). Minor spoilers for anyone who doesn't know about the Sound Four. (AKA the "Stuff-Sasuke-in-a-bucket-and-hope-he-goes-ebil"). And probably character bashing, though I try not to go TOO far.

Genre: Humor, Romance

Word Count: 1, 370 (DAMN! I got to a thousand!)

Disclaimer: Please see my Profile for details.

A/N: Hi guys! New chapter, yeah? I was in the throes of writer's block when SasukeDragon saved the day; so give her props, yeah? She kicks ass. Oh, and I realized I didn't thank reviewers last chapter so … let's go broad!

THANK YOU FOR REVIEWING: Too Lazy to Sign In, Yersi Fanel, lone-wolf987, amaya moore, lighty-chan, whee XD, mina, Foxic Cherrii, Phyne, and naash.

And of COURSE SasukeDragon!

You guys are so awesome, thank you for reviewing. You have no idea how much I love and crave reviews … it's you guys that keep me going on a story like this, and I appreciate it.

SO ENJOY YA LAZY BUMS!

xXxXxXx

Neji stepped out of the shower with a contented sigh as a cloud of steam followed him out the door. It had taken two bars of soap to get all the damn blood off of his skin, and he'd had to throw away his clothes. Bloodstains were a pain in the ass to get out in regular situations, and the mass quantity of the bucket had damaged his clothes irreparably.

He scowled while wrapping a towel, turban-style, around his magnificent hair. That damn Uchiha was such a STUPID BITCH! He was soo going down.

But only after, Neji decided, catching a glimpse of his ruined nails, he had gotten another manicure.

He was so engrossed with his nails that he didn't sense Hinata coming down the other corridor, and so when he turned the corner to the residential part of the Hyuuga manor, he bumped right into her.

She squeaked and blushed, ducking her head shyly. She began to stutter out his name when Neji interrupted her.

"My Hinata, you sure are looking SKANKY today. And let's not forget FAT." And with that, he left his horrified cousin behind him as he plotted what to do next.

The click of his door closing brought Hinata out of her shock-coma. Sniffling sadly, she pulled a Twinkie out of her pocket and nibbled on it. But that was BEFORE she remembered who she was (and BEFORE the Light Bulb of DOOM™ arrived and knocked some sense into her by flashing it's light in a Morse code pattern all ninjas are familiar with).

Nodding her thanks to the light bulb, she threw down the Twinkie in disgust. What did that whore Neji think he was doing? Calling her skanky and fat … Hinata thought she had just about brainwashed him. Sighing in a supremely irritated way, Hinata stalked off, no longer playing the innocent.

If Neji didn't know who was boss, she'd just have to remind him.

xXxXxXx

Sasuke cackled gleefully at his victory over the Hyuuga. He always KNEW he was better than Neji, and NOW HE HAD PROOF!

He had been in this state since Neji fled – yesterday. Cackling and grinning and celebrating. BY THROWING A TEA PARTY!

"Well, everyone," he said to the assembled guests. He paused to take a sip of REAL TEA (like the Uchiha would IMAGINE his tea) from his pink flowered cup. He set it down gracefully on a matching saucer. "I would like to introduce you to Mr. Sand. He's rather shy so do be polite."

He cast a warning eye on them. Kon, the rudest lion he had ever met, snorted and gulped his tea noisily. Kumagorou and Usa-chan, the pink bunnies of the group (they were practically twins!), squealed happily and thunked their cups down, both managing to spill a little over the sides. Momo the squirrel nibbled on his rice ball cheerfully, ignoring Sasuke in favor of food. His last guest, Kuro Neko, meowed in assent.

He turned to the old, beaten up bear next to him, who he had affectionately named Mr. Sand, as his original owner was Gaara.

See, on his last mission to Sand, he had just HAPPENED to find himself in the Kazekage's room. And he had just HAPPENED to find this poor bear in the corner of the bare, unadorned quarters of the insomniac. In a fit of distress over the poor thing's care, he had "rescued" the teddy bear, which brought us to our current predicament.

Mr. Sand was shy and just a tad hostile, but sat and dramk his tea civilly. Sasuke beamed proudly as Kumagorou and Usa-chan engaged the newcomer in lively conversation, and Sasuke sat back, satisfied that Mr. Sand would be accepted into the group with no trouble.

His entire warm gooey moment was ruined by the appearance of one Hyuuga Hinata, who entered through the window as if she owned the place, a levitating light bulb trailing after her..

"WHAT THE CRAP?" he demanded, setting his cup down with a thunk and rising to his feet.

"Relax, Uchiha," she said cooly, surveying his tea party with a slight curl of her lip. "I'm here to help you."

He crossed his arms. For effect, he attempted to cross his legs, but he was standing so he just fell over. After struggling to his feet, he managed to spit out, "With what?"

Hinata smirked.

"Defeating that whore Neji."

xXxXxXx

And so, with much ado about nothing, and much ado about, well, the fact that all three of them (yes I said three; the Light Bulb of DOOM™ was still there) hated Neji, Uchiha Sasuke, Hyuuga Hinata, and the Light Bulb of DOOM™ created the Neji Haters club.

And they vowed to make his life a living Hell until he:

A: Apologized to the Light Bulb of DOOM™ for attacking it after it had been so kind to help him.

B: Stopped trying to kill Sasuke, even though he wasn't actually planning to kill him (well, he was NOW, but he didn't THEN).

C: Submitted to Hinata like the good little bitch he was.

It would be a rocky road. Mmm-Rocky Road … that's some damn good ice cream …

Anyways, it would be a rocky road.

Especially after the arrival of a new character.

(DUN DUN DUUUUN!)

xXxXxXx

Neji wasn't all that surprised when his door was blasted to smithereens. No, it was all part of his master plan to fall on his face like an idiot and scream like a little girl. No, really.

Neji struggled to his feet, just to be pinned to the wall by an incredibly pissed-off Gaara, who was shaking and had half his body Shukaku-ized.

"WHERE IS IT!!!" he screamed at the top of his voice, shaking Neji like a rag doll.

Now contrary to popular belief, Neji really is a badass ninja. He didn't need anyone to save him. Though, he wasn't exactly complaining when Itachi burst out of his closet (yes, Itachi "came out of the closet." Har har, yuk it up) and threw Gaara across the room.

Neji coughed. "How long were you in there?"

Itachi just leered, "Long enough."

Gaara had collapsed into a pitiful heap, sobbing about something-or-other.

"AND YOU!" Neji shouted, getting shakily to his feet. "What the HELL are you doing here?!"

Gaara looked at him, eyes red AND black rimmed. He sniffled. "S-Someone stole my Bear-Bear."

Itachi cocked his head. "Bear-Bear? Is that that ratty old bear Sasuke's been cooing over?"

Gaara was up and pissed off all over again. "SASUKE HAS HIM?" He demanded loudly, sand swirling around him.

Neji just gave Itachi a strange look, "Are you stalking your brother?"

"Less than I'm stalking YOU, but yes. I am."

Neji shrugged, walked over to Gaara, and shoved a MAGICAL cookie in his mouth. Instantly, Gaara was distracted, nibbling on the cookie with a single-minded focus. With half of him in sand-tanuki form, it was almost kind of cute.

Itachi sat down on Neji's bed, crossing his legs daintily. "Speaking of Sasuke, he, your cousin, and a floating light bulb have formed a club called the Neji Haters. They're out for your blood, hot stuff. I'd watch out if I were you."

Neji was incensed. "Damn you, light bulb. DAMN YOU LIGHT BUUULB!"

Itachi licked his lips, distracting Neji as effectively as a cookie against Gaara. "So what do you plan to do?"

Neji had to think about this for a few minutes. He managed to get an idea WITHOUT a light bulb's help, and thrust his fist to the sky. "We shall create a Neji Haters HATERS club to counteract this … this … evil!"

He squatted in front of a now docile Gaara, who made a little, "Hmm?"ing sound and cocked his head, like a puppy.

"You love this Bear-Bear, yes?"

Gaara nodded fervently.

"You want to get Bear-Bear back, yes?"

Gaara nodded even MORE fervently.

"Then you'll help Itachi and I fight the one who took him, yes?"

Gaara thought about it for about three seconds, then nodded once more.

Neji handed Gaara another cookie and turned to Itachi, lounging on his bed indolently.

"You in?"

Itachi smirked. "In you? Hell yes."

And so the games were on.

TBC

Okay, about Sasuke's Tea Party – only Kon, Kuro Neko, and Momo were actually moving, because they are "alive" in their respective animes. The other three didn't move, that was just Sasu-chan's imagination. Kon is from Bleach, Kuro Neko is from Trigun, Momo is from Samurai Champloo, Usa-chan is from Ouran High School Host Club, and Kumagorou is from Gravitation.

(crickets)

SHUT UP!

Anyways … who doesn't think little half-sand-tanuki Gaara nibbling on a cookie is super-cute? Come on, now!

But focusing on the story … I realize it's gone in a slightly different direction, but hey. (shrug) It's humor, yeah? I can do whatever the hell I want with it, because it's supposed to be random.

Like Neji Haters HATERS. Smooth naming, Neji.

(Insert demand/plea/bribe/threat for reviews)