Meredith entered the kitchen to find all five were talking about surgeries. They had left the conversation of Meredith and Derek as all five thought it was better told from Derek himself.
"You have to meet her, she is a cardio groupie, but I must admit she is really amazing at cardiothoracic surgery. I wish I had a passion for a specialty like her." Lexie was talking about Christina Yang to Tasmin. They had already talked about nearly every other resident at Seattle Grace Mercy West, including bragging about the surgeries they had pulled off.
"Except-"April began.
"Since the shooting..." Alex didn't know how much he should say. "Well, ever since she saved your brother's life with a gun pointed at her head, she hasn't been able to step into an O.R. and has quit. Always thought she would make it to the end, guess I never thought it would be this crazy though huh."
"Is there anything you haven't shared with my darling, charming, sister?" Derek voice made everyone jump bar Tasmin; she didn't even turn around to look at him.
"Well I did think it was time to clear things up after I saw your face plastered all over the T.V screens, news readers informing my brother had been shot, my twin brother. You fool. They didn't just tell me that, I thought it was a mistake when they had Derek Shepherd and Chief of surgery hand in hand. Wow D, we are really good at keeping in touch oh and being stubborn. I even decided to ring mum first before having to set off for a visit. I guess it was the silly T.V show doco thing they had on that really convinced me, yeah I couldn't even watch it so don't get your ego boost."
Everyone including Meredith took her speech as a cue to leave. Lexie, Alex and April stunned that Tasmin Miller was Derek's twin sister; Avery wasn't because he really didn't know that much of Dr Shepherd anyway.
"So I finally had to be shot for you to come and say sorry."
"I am not here to apologise Derek"
"Go home then. The sooner you go on back to New York the better." His voice rose slightly.
"Fine I am sorry, sorry that I came to see my only brother who is too pleased with his life to even consider anyone else's. Fuck Derek honestly that is your wife, don't look at me like that, she looks nice and all but I have heard of this Post-it bullshit what is she? Commitment phobic? Ha I am right aren't I. Jesus Christ D."
"There you go again; this is taking Addison's side again. You will always be hung up on that, she destroyed me T don't you get that and Meredith...Meredith and my post-it marriage means a hell of a lot more than any marriage I had with Addie, Meredith will never jump into bed with Mark or any other man, she would never hurt me, can't I have that? Do you not want me to be happy?" This was clearly turning into a full on screaming match. They were both standing in the kitchen seeing each other up close for the first time in 4 years.
"Ok. OK! I am sorry, but the full story D, you don't know the full story."
Derek looked at his sister confused, how he could not know the full story was impossible. It was his story, his life story or was it.
"You need to sit down. I am about to tell you something that will hurt you that will confuse you but please Derek, pretty please..." Tasmin began to tear up. "... Don't walk away from me."
Derek began to panic he could tell his sister was different, he could tell that whatever she was about to say would was serious and he wasn't sure he was ready to deal with anything more, so he took the opportunity of Tasmin composing herself to stall.
"I thought about you when I was shot, because if I died I could only imagine how unfinished our fight was, we had the fight but never the forgiveness, never the apologies we haven't spoken since I left your doorstep that night. The reason was I was confused at how you reacted, I get that we weren't in a great place but we are Derek and Tasmin the Shepherd twins. We were 'The Twins'. So when I was lying around recovering from the wound in my chest I thought about how I would feel if anything happened to you and I never got to say goodbye or even know anything that was happening in your life, I would have died as chief of surgery with a wife you would have never met and really T I would want you there for Mer. I need you to be there for her because I know you and I know that you would be one of the only people to help her."
Tasmin stared past Derek and into oblivion every word he spoke made the guilt and the pain of her next sentence that more painful.
"His dead" She breathed the word ever so softly.
"Who?" Derek saw his sister freeze, as if she had just had a dagger put through her heart. The pain was obvious, and Derek feared she wasn't talking about their Dad or some patient that had been a hard loss to her. Every single person had bounced around in his head for that few seconds left unsaid, but Derek knew deep down he thought he always knew.
So Derek finished her sentence.
"O God no. Ryan. Oh for fuck sake not Ryan. Tasmin." He reached for his sister's frozen body and embraced her as he broke down and cried. She just stood there knowing the next sentence made it ten times worse.
"3 years ago Derek, he died three freaking years ago. I am so sorry you are only just finding out." She stepped back.
"No. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO! Get OUT of my house. OUT NOW!"
"I hear this isn't your house D."
Derek grabbed the bowl with Avery's leftovers in it and chucked it at her feet; it smashed and caused food to fly all over his sister. Meredith heard the yelling and the smashing a decided to see what was happening. By the time she entered Derek was holding Tasmin by the collar.
"YOU'RE A LIAR, YOU'RE NOT WELCOME HERE."
"Derek what are you doing? DEREK! Are you ok? Let her go Der." Meredith pulled on his arm and he released her and stormed out of the kitchen and out the front door slamming it so hard it just bounced open again. "I think it would be best if you left."
"No, I am not leaving; he is hurting I get that. But I need my brother because I need my family and there is no way I am going to stay with my mother or sisters. I need my brothers and they are here in Seattle. Do you know why he is like this, it's because I just told him my husband died 3 years ago but he needs to hear the whole story."
"Seriously?"
"I can't leave just yet Meredith"
"Are you ok? Will Derek be ok?"
"Yes and I have no idea, you know Derek, you know what he is like now even better than I do. Do you think he will be ok?"
"I am sure he will be fine"
"I think I better go after him, tell him the truth." She gazed out the window having no idea where he would be, if this was New York she knows where he would be.
"He will be on his property in the woods, where we are building our home"
"Thank you." Tasmin couldn't even break out a smile. He was building a home, she had no idea about his life anymore and this made half of her want to turn around and go back to New York. "Suck it up Tas" she whispered to herself.
"Look, give me a minute and I will take you." Meredith offered, she was hesitant but this was Derek's twin, and he had always pushed for Meredith to care for Lexie and she is now glad he did, not at the time but now. Hopefully this would work out the same way.
Tasmin just nodded.
The car trip was silent, Meredith concentrated on the road, her heart slightly pounding harder, Derek grabbing his sister around the collar the way he did spooked Meredith a bit, it simply looked wrong for Derek he had never been violent towards Meredith let alone any other woman.
"Derek grabbed you." Meredith said blankly she was sick of bouncing it in her head and decided to let it out.
"Yeah I really thought I was going to cop a punch"
"What, he hits you!" Meredith was alarmed; she really didn't want an answer.
"Oh gawd, I bet that sounds bad, well it does when you put it like that, but hey Meredith you have to realise I am his sister, we grew up wrestling, punch ups and pretty much just being rough, mind you it mostly stopped when we grew up and became adults but who are we kidding when do we really become adults. He isn't violent, contrary to the bowl smashing and the grabbing of my collar-"
"And the punch ups with Mark" Meredith added.
"Punch ups with Mark? Interesting. That supports my theory Mark is part of the whole brotherhood of rough play. He isn't violent just part of the brotherhood of rough play."
"Brotherhood of rough play? Is that a thing?"
Tasmin laughed "Ah well it is now"
The two women talked a little on the trip to the woods. It was small talk but none the less they began to get to know each other. As they pulled up Meredith pointed out the significant bits and pieces of the property. It was a relief for Meredith to see his car over near the trailer.
"Well I am going to stay in the car and take in the view, look he is over on the trailer's veranda"
"I think you should come over too, this will be the hardest story I have ever told and there is no happy ending."
"It's ok if he needs me I'll be here."
"I think I need you there, I don't why but it will help me. Please."
They got out of the car, Meredith led and Tasmin dropped further behind the closer they got to Derek. Meredith reached Derek and whispered something in his ear as she kissed him on the cheek. He nodded and apologised to Meredith for storming out.
"I just... just a little shock" He said to Mer.
"D." Tasmin said as she stood at the steps.
Derek turned and looked at his sister. "I am ready to listen now." His facial expression didn't change.
Present
Tasmin lay in her bed after her brothers left, still in pain but better than earlier that day. Callie entered to check on her dislocations and broken bones that she had earlier operated on.
" Hey you, just doing a post op follow up. Don't mind my poking and prodding but let me know if it causes too much pain. OK."
"Ok. So Calliope I believe a congratulations are in order, for the little bud inside of you."
"Thank you, I am guessing Mark told you, you know he is really manning up to this daddy thing."
"So you are going to let him be a part of this kid's life, like I am an aunty and all. This is Mark's child you're not going to hide it away in your relationship, are you? Take it away and try and raise it as your own little lesbian miracle baby."
"Ok I get your in pain and on morphine, so I am going to let your little rant just slide but seriously Tasmin where is this coming from?"
"You have done your follow up. I think it would be best if you left and I would prefer it Calliope if you kept your distance to me, just looking at you makes me queasy."
"You are way out of line!" Callie began to raise her voice but it soon registered she was yelling at woman whom was unrecognisable because of the trauma her injuries caused.
"Do you think I care about stepping over a goddamn line, you don't seem to care either would have thought sleeping with your friend without protection as a line? You crossed that one, but for what reasons." Tasmin let out a moan of pain and Callie glanced at her vitals. "Calliope I think you used Mark, I think you used him to get what you wanted"
Callie was nearly in tears. "I think I should leave before I let the hormones take over and stop your morphine, if you weren't lying in a hospital bed all smashed up I would call you a bitch, right now. Clearly you are the perfect best friend and sister because those two couldn't stop raving about you and talking about you for the past 4 years I have known them."
Meredith caught the last part of the conversation and was upset by what she had heard. Meredith had grown to love Tasmin, even though Derek hadn't forgiven her or forgiven himself, Meredith had spent the time with Tasmin in the last three weeks she had learnt more about Derek's past than any other sister or friend of his cared to share. Everyone else from his past never included Meredith in much, but Tasmin had. She had genuinely wanted to get to know Meredith and they both discovered that they got along well. This had meant Meredith was being put on Tasmin's service often since she had gotten a job at Seattle Grace Mercy West as a Cardio surgeon, working underneath Dr Alderman.
"Dr Torres may I speak with you?" Meredith got Callie to step outside; she had no idea how she was even going to say what she wanted to scream at her. "What the hell was that?"
"I have no idea, I get it Meredith she is all broken and stuff, but she was saying some really cruel stuff and I just... snapped"
"Don't come back to this room. You're an attending and I am a resident and I get I have no power over you but I swear to God Dr Torres you come back here and I will never place any respect with you ever again."
Callie stormed off, taken aback by Meredith's threat and Tasmin reaction to the pregnancy. As she stepped into the elevator she began to tear up.
"Damn hormones..." she whispered to herself.
"Callie you alright?" Alderman was standing at the back of the elevator but stepped forward and placed her hand on Callie's shoulder as she broke down in tears. "I know it's scary and awful to what happened to Tasmin right? I mean she really did well to fight back, it could have easily been me which makes me feel slightly responsible, if I had taken on the case I could have ended up in that hospital bed unrecognisable. Hey Callie... seriously what's wrong. Do you need me to page Arizona?"
Callie straightened up and looked past Alderman to the back wall of the elevator.
"You know Mark hasn't spoken to her since she came to Seattle, the same with Derek. Derek listened to her side of the story but he didn't want anything to do with her and Mark was siding with Derek apparently she tore a massive hole in all their relationships. 4 years is a long time and all this crap she goes on about being Mark's best friend. Calling me trash. Like sleeping with him was my entire fault. I feel like I hate the woman and she is lying in a hospital bed in unimaginable pain. That just makes me feel even worse, to top it off obviously Mark is talking to her now this has all happened because she knows I am pregnant. Unless it was Meredith, which means... ARGH I don't want to feel like this!" Callie worked herself into a state with slight hyperventilation.
"Torres, you need to breathe calm down." Alderman strengthened her grip on Callie's shoulder. Teddy was lost for what to say she really couldn't believe Callie's reaction, she really liked Tasmin and hearing things come out of Callie's mouth was not her ideal situation before her next surgery. "Torres, no offence but I am not the person to talk to about this, I really like Tasmin and the fact she is doped up on pain meds may cause her to say some things that upset you but honestly you have to sit pregnant brain aside for a while and let it slide."
"What if she is right" Callie softly replied, her mascara running down her cheeks. "What if she just has the guts to say what I don't want to think?"
"Meredith, what did I say to Calliope?" Tasmin was feeling sick and throwing up every 3 minutes, she felt terrible for what she said and needed someone to talk it through with. The vomiting didn't help the situation and Meredith was concerned with her health.
"Tas, I really would like to do another head CT this nausea is not a good sign it could be nothing, but if is something Derek would never forgive me and I would never forgive myself." Meredith was checking her eyes and reaction while they spoke.
"Derek couldn't care less." Tasmin unsure of what she was saying next went on. "I knew about the affair before he did. For fuck sake even Amy knew. Derek... Derek is a really good man. You know that. He takes everything on board as his own burden, like being the man of the house after Dad died, or the affair I bet he just feels stupid for not seeing it, and Ryan, he wasn't there for me when Ryan was dying and died. Jesus that would be a blow to his ego."
"Tasmin Carolyn Miller-Shepherd, you really have no idea do you." Meredith hesitated. "When Amelia O.D he cut her off because it scared him, she scared him losing her would destroy him, the same applies to you, you have suffered loss and he is scared it hurt you more that you are letting on now, if you tell him it destroyed you... well it will destroy him. But that is too late I guess..."
"Why?"
"Look at you" Meredith smiled. But a sad smile which told the pain of onlookers. "You are hurt, and he realises his guilt shouldn't get in the way of a reconciliation, because if this had resulted in an even worse scenario I believe I wouldn't ever get my husband back, or Mark for that matter."
"I love those boys but they have to learn something." Tasmin sat up a little in her bed. "When will I be discharged?"
"Optimistic. Or change of subject?" Meredith booked the CT and left the room leaving Tasmin to think about everything that had happened.
"Meredith!" Tasmin called and Meredith stuck her head around the corner. "When are the cops coming for a statement?"
"They have already tried, you were zonked, but they won't really need one because it was caught on CTTV footage."
"Son of a bitch"
"Yep, I am sorry you had to be alone." Meredith turned around to leave again and in doing so said softly "Derek's sorry you had to fight alone too."
Tasmin lay in the hospital bed as the day passed by. She bribed the nurse to keep her up to date with her patients and they did so. When one of her patients crashed she paged Dr Alderman to let Avery take point, she had been impressed with Avery and felt sorry for the kid who had to compete with Yang, because Yang was the best resident she had seen in cardio, but Avery was solid, egotistic, charming and just needed the chance so Tasmin took him under her wing the name Avery helped as well with some of her patients who had heard of Dr Harper Avery, the name alone assured them they were in good hands.
The first week she worked at Seattle Grace Mercy West was awkward. Derek and Mark avoided her and she was no longer the head of Cardio but worked underneath Dr Teddy Alderman, a surgeon she had never heard of. The residents seemed scarce in her department with everyone raving about a Dr Cristina Yang; of course she believed them because this was the resident that had saved Derek's life. The only resident who seemed to even try and jump on her service was the green eyed hottie from her brother's place Dr Avery, the first week was hell with him, he stumbled and was terrible he seemed like a second year resident to Tasmin but she pursued him with questions for procedures he nailed the theory of the surgeries and the technique but in the tough situations he flunked. Tasmin laid in her hospital bed thinking of the day Dr Avery turned around as if he was just off his game and now had found form, he went from this awkward resident which caused the attending's a headache to a confident forth year bidding for chief resident and the only thing Tasmin could put it down to was the return of Dr Yang.
"Tasmin, letting Avery take point, are you sure?" Alderman swiftly moved to the end of her bed. Out of habit grabbing her chart and flipping through the pages.
"Teddy, honestly, flipping through my chart? So you really think it's going to be that bad?" Tasmin was happy for the distraction.
"Well no. Yes. No it is just that he has never flown solo for a cardio surgery, he is a good surgeon and all but I think it would be safer with Yang or me doing this surgery, maybe next time for Avery."
"Teddy, putting it nicely, you really need to get Yang out of your arse."
"What!"
"Avery is a fourth year the same year as Yang, yet you don't provide equal opportunity, so I am here to balance up the playing field"
"Yeah ok. Do you think he is ready?"
"I wouldn't have given it to him otherwise. Watch him from the gallery if you have time. You will see."
"Your right. I love having you around a cardio surgeon I can bounce everything off, when I am second guessing myself."
"I am sorry"
"For what?"
"For wishing that you did the surgery then you would have lost the patient and well... I am sorry I even thought it; you Teddy are the closest thing I have had to a friend since coming to Seattle, well frankly since I pushed everyone away. Something terrible happens and what do I think of? I think of my friend being in this position instead and all the things I would say to help her."
"Things happen and we blame other people, we blame our decisions we wish it was someone other than ourselves. Don't be sorry if it helps you deal with this, I have a surgery to watch so I better get going. Let's just pray I don't need to scrub in." Teddy walked over and kissed Tasmin on the forehead." I will be back to give you a blow by blow of Avery's solo surgery"
Tasmin nodded and Teddy left the room with a smile on her face. As she lay in her bed she kept an eye on the outside corridor traffic, nurses running around for codes, doctors debating treatment and patients being wheeled from one room to another. After about half an hour, the only update she had gotten was a message from Teddy saying the open went well and all is on track. Tasmin knew her resident would be fine but was still a little anxious for updates, at this time a patient was wheeled past in a bed, handcuffed to the bars, Tasmin immediately recognised the man as her attacker. Her heart skipped a beat and she started breaking out in a sweat. Being such a strong independent women, freaking out made her hate herself a little. There was one thing she felt like doing and that scared her a little. She just wanted to end his life.
x x x x x x
Derek sat in the attending's lounge, Mark by his side, Meredith on the other.
"Der maybe it's time you went home, had a shower maybe you could even grab a few hours sleep."
"No I am alright here"
"You're not, but I have to go and check on my patients and yours, so it's your choice." She then looks to Mark. "you too, she is fine I am sure every doctor and nurse will keep you updated."
"I'm good" Mark replied and he placed his hand on Derek's knee. When Meredith left the two began to talk.
"Is it wrong if I want to kill the man, I really had never felt hate for someone so much in my life." Derek spoke bluntly and soft. So cold that even Mark worried a little about Derek.
"I haven't spoken to Tasmin since that night, you know the night that Addie and I, well, the night you found us... now she ends up here after everything else and I just feel like a fucking bastard."
"She is just too good at pushing people away" Derek responded, he had flipped out when Mark told him he knew Ryan had died. "I went to the funeral". Derek felt betrayed by his best friend again and Addison, she knew as well. Mark had said that Tasmin threatened Addie and himself never to tell Derek anything about her life, that she should be the one to break the news, she had said that Mark was slutty trash and Addison a cheating whore and if they had spoken of Tasmin's loss she would personally destroy their careers and make their lives hell. Both of them knowing Tasmin didn't doubt her capabilities one bit.
"She did a good job of hiding Ryan's illness from everyone. Did you know that Carey didn't even know? Just having her around the hospital again reminds me of why we were inseparable. She is such a laugh, crazy and really just a bunch of fun and I haven't even spoken to her." Mark laughed a little but continued to stare straight ahead.
