"Zippity do dah, zippity day,
My oh my it's a wonderful day,
Plenty of sunshine heading my way
Zippity do dah, zippity day!"
"WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?"
Allie stretched luxuriously and pulled back the curtains of his four-poster bed.
"Morning Scorpius," he said cheerfully as the tune started again beside him. "It's my new alarm clock. I picked it up in a Muggle souvenir shop in London. Charming isn't it?"
Allie surveyed the dormitory's other occupants with satisfaction and reflected that it was probably just as well he was the only one really capable of functioning before breakfast. Scorpius, for example, was well able to make his displeasure known with several layers of blanket in the way, but Allie knew from experience that he didn't actually wake up until midday at the earliest.
A moment later, Allie was on his stomach on the floor, gasping for breath. Avery, who Allie had inadvisably forgotten in his calculations, had taken a silent and deadly leap from the canopy of his own bed onto Allie's back and was now sitting astride his captive with his wand at his throat.
"ZIPPITY-"
"Turn it off," said Avery calmly.
"But it's so- so- endearing," Allie wheezed.
"Jago and Wesley are getting out of bed," Avery noted in the same even tone of voice that was not entirely without menace, "And Gabriel just twitched. Youremember all those times he's told us about the dirty dreams he gets just after dawn. You don't really want to see what would happen if they're interrupted. Do you?"
"No..." Allie was debating his next move. Jago and Wesley were closing in now, wands pointed at his nose. Maybe surrender was the wisest course of action after all.
With all the dignity he could muster while slowly suffocating at wandpoint in his cosy first-night-away-from-home teddy bear pyjamas, Allie stood up (dumping Avery none-too-gently on the floor) and reached for the alarm clock to turn it off. His fingers were only inches from it when there was a massive bang and it exploded in a cloud of smoke. Allie swore violently as a flying cog hit him in the eye and turned to see what had caused it.
Scorpius Malfoy was crouched on the floor beside his bed, his long hair and blankets tangled around him so tightly and thoroughly it was a wonder he could move at all. His wand was smoking slightly and still pointing at what had recently been a clock, but as far as Allie could tell he hadn't opened his eyes yet.
As they stared at him, Scorpius groaned something that sounded like "just blow the fucking thing up you stupid fucking fuckers" and collapsed in a heap of hair and blankets on the floor.
"Eh, Scorpius mate?" said Allie warily, prodding him with his toe.
"Fuck off. Sleep now. Or die like clock."
"Point duly taken." Giving Scorpius a wide berth, Allie and the others crept from the room, leaving him and Gabriel in peace.
Or in relative peace, at least. Allie couldn't quite resist the opportunity to hide the pieces of his broken clock inside Scorpius' pillowcase. But by Allie's standards, that hardly counted.
...
While all of this was taking place, Rose and the Gryffindors (who were considerably less nocturnal than their Slytherin counterparts) were already doing battle with mountains of toast, oceans of tea and whole armies of black and white pudding in the Great Hall. This, in a triumph of understatement, was known as breakfast.
Rose, as usual, was sitting with her best friends- Cyvony Lynch, Axel Thomas and Felix Peakes. Cyvony was a bubbly Irish Muggleborn with glasses and curly hair while Axel was a stocky boy with dreadlocks, coffee-coloured skin and a passion for Muggle indie music. Felix was her fellow Prefect, skinny and bookish with floppy hair and a shy chuckle that was at odds with his considerable confidence. They had gone out very briefly in Third Year, which made things a little awkward sometimes, as Felix tended to get touchy whenever Rose had a boyfriend. She suspected that this was largely to do with the fact that he hadn't had a girlfriend since her, but generally she tried to avoid the subject.
Rose finished her porridge in record time, scowling as Axel attempted to belch the alphabet beside her. She had just pushed back her chair, intending to return to the common room, when a brown owl skidded to a halt in front of her, knocking over a jug and drenching her in pumpkin juice.
"This is already not my day," she muttered as Axel abandoned his attempts at belching the letter "W" to shower her with napkins.
"Rose," Cyvony called from the other side of the table. "Isn't that Claudian's owl?"
Rose looked up, surprised and more than a little wary. Claudian Fagan, her boyfriend, had been in Ravenclaw but graduated last year. Since then, they had technically been on a break, but she hadn't heard from him in months. To be honest, the only reason she hadn't broken up with him was the tiny optimistic part of her heart that made endless excuses for him and told her that if she waited he might come back to her and then everything would be okay again. She knew it was pathetic, which was why she preferred not to think about it. Now though...
It was Claudian's owl all right, and his handwriting was unmistakable. Feeling oddly insubstantial, Rose detached the scroll from the owl's leg and opened it, not even noticing that her elbow was in the marmalade as she read.
Dear Rose,
I'm sorry I've messed you around, but I'm not in a good place right now and I don't think I really need to deal with the stress of a girlfriend on top of that.
Claudian x
She turned it over, but there wasn't any more. Strange, but she found she was more annoyed that he'd had the cheek to sign off with a kiss than that she'd been dumped. It might be shock, she mused. She'd probably burst into tears over the mandrakes in Herbology.
"What does it say?"
Cyvony's voice dragged her back to reality.
"He dumped me. Using the oldest excuse in the book, I might add. The git even had the cheek to sign it with a kiss."
"Omigosh, are you okay?" Cyvony was at her side instantly, all hugs and motherly concern.
"I'm fine," Rose said, testing the phrase to see if it sounded false. It didn't. "It's really strange, but I don't feel anything. It's like I knew it was coming. I just feel sort of relieved."
Cyvony frowned at her. "You know you can tell us Rosie. You don't always have to be tough."
"No, really. I know it sounds crazy, but I don't feel upset at all. Maybe it's shock or something, but I don't think so. I think I'm just genuinely glad he's out of the picture. It's like a weight's been lifted that I didn't even know I was carrying."
"Nice imagery," said Felix wryly. "What I can't figure out is why you didn't dump him months ago. You knew he wasn't worth it, you spent half your time telling us so!"
"Yeah well," Rose shrugged uncomfortably. "I don't like quitting."
Felix rolled his eyes but said nothing more. Just then, Axel (who had been uncharacteristically quiet throughout the exchange) burst out laughing.
"Hey guys, check it out," he gasped, pointing at the other side of the hall. "Tug of war."
"What the hell?"
It was, as Axel had said, a tug of war. Viviana Nott was standing at the door to the Great Hall, yelling at someone just out of sight and pulling on what looked like some kind of white rope. At the Slytherin table Rose could see Allie and his friends howling with laughter. As they watched, Viviana gave one almighty tug and Scorpius Malfoy stumbled into view, looking (to put it mildly) somewhat dishevelled. He was topless, but his normally sleek hair was loose and so untidy it hid most of his torso from view. Viviana had a handful of it in her fist.
"If I say eat then you better fucking EAT, Malfoy!" She shrieked, punctuating each word with another yank on his hair. "I WILL NOT HAVE YOU PUTTING SLYTHERIN'S QUIDDITCH CUP IN DANGER BECAUSE YOU'RE TOO FUCKING LAZY TO GET UP FOR BREAKFAST!!!" She shoved him into a chair and proceeded to fill his plate with every meat product she could reach. "PROTEIN, BOY! TRAINING STARTS TODAY AND I SWEAR BY MERLIN'S CROSS-DRESSING UNCLE THAT IF YOU EVER TRY TO SKIP BREAKFAST AGAIN I WILL PERSONALLY CASTRATE YOU AND USE YOUR TESTICLES FOR BLUDGERS, YOU HEAR ME? NOW EAT YOUR FUCKING SAUSAGES!!!"
"I didn't know Viviana was on the Slytherin team."
"She isn't," Axel said. "Obsessive fan maybe?"
Laughing, Rose and her friends got up and headed for the door. As they passed the Slytherin table, Rose tapped Allie on the shoulder.
"Mind telling me why Scorpius is meekly obeying Viviana when you fully expected him to kill me for yelling at him far less than she just did?"
Allie cackled. "In case you hadn't noticed, Rosie darling, to all intents and purposes Scorpius is still asleep. Note the closed eyes, the uncharacteristic lack of coordination and – my personal favourite – the black silk monogrammed pyjama bottoms. He'll probably think he sleep-walked here when he does wake up. I wouldn't count on that being any time soon though."
"But he's eating!"
"Sleep-walking, sleep-eating, sleep-blowing-things-to-smithereens; all in a morning's work for our boy. He won't remember any of it. Viviana's only yelling because she likes a bit of a pantomime. Sure, she does actually think he should eat but he really isn't putting up much of a fight."
On closer inspection, Rose realised that Allie was right- the only thing Scorpius wasn't doing was snoring. Otherwise, he was pretty comprehensively asleep, although making impressive headway with his breakfast despite that.
"But why is he like that anyway? This is the first time this has happened, right?"
"Not exactly. Scorpius sleeping through breakfast is a pretty routine occurrence- the only difference is that he usually comes down with the rest of us. When we left without him this morning I imagine Vivi saw the opportunity to create a scene." He smiled indulgently down the table at her. "Bless her, she does love a bit of drama."
"Right..." Rose started to back away. "On that note, I think I'll leave you freaks to it. In light of yesterday, I don't think I really want to be here when he wakes up."
"Sure you don't want to pull his hair before you go? Just once, for luck?"
"Much as I appreciate the thought, Albus, I think I'll have to pass. I'll see ya."
Rose was still shaking her head as she gathered her books for her first class. It wasn't even nine o'clock and already she felt like she'd had enough Slytherin insanity to last her the rest of the week. It was going to be a long day...
...
"Mister Malfoy, I hate to be the bearer of bad news but my classroom is not a coffee shop. Kindly take a seat and dispose of that disagreeable beverage."
Professor Vector's waspish tone cut across Rose's consciousness and made her look up from her textbook in time to see Scorpius just about refrain from scowling as he sat down directly in front of her. He concealed his coffee mug on the shelf under his desk, took out a fresh quill and dipped it in the coffee before apparently bending over his work and sucking it in concentration. She raised her eyebrows but resisted the urge to expose him. As a disrespectful git, that is, not in any other... Oh bloody hell, Allie was rubbing off on her. That was the last thing she needed. Rose shook herself and returned to her sums.
Her concentration didn't last long though. Integration and imaginary numbers were not her friends, especially not when she had to combine them to find a method to undo concealment spells. This was not helped by the fact that Scorpius was still blithely sucking caffeine, not even stopping when Professor Vector came over to check his work. He had a nerve, she'd give him that. But seriously, there was something odd about that boy. He always sat so rigidly, it couldn't possibly be comfortable. He looked like a Muggle military officer or something. Not that he would appreciate that comparison. His handwriting was freakishly perfect and somehow she couldn't imagine his hair ever looking untidy- even though she knew she'd seen it that morning. That seemed a million miles away, a different person entirely. He was certainly acting like nothing had happened. Although maybe, if Allie was to be believed, he simply didn't know. It was a strange thought.
The bell rang then- lunch time. There was a rush for the door, with the result that Rose (who wasn't all that hungry) found herself leaving with Scorpius (who didn't believe in haste). She knew it probably wasn't a good idea, given what she'd seen of his temper, but Rose couldn't resist.
"Nice pyjamas."
He stared at her. "I'm sorry, what?"
"Your little incident at breakfast? With Viviana? 'I'll use your testicles for bludgers'?"
He opened his mouth to reply, but Vector interrupted.
"Before you go, Mister Malfoy."
He turned.
"Yes Professor?"
"Twenty points from Slytherin. I don't care if you can make those numbers do somersaults, Malfoy, I do not tolerate disobedience from you or anybody else. The next time you drink coffee during class I will personally ensure that you are unavailable whenever Slytherin book the Quidditch pitch for training. I'm sure you're not irreplaceable. Do I make myself clear?"
Vector didn't wait for an answer, but as Rose left the room she thought Scorpius looked decidedly unrepentant for someone who had just lost their House twenty points. Insufferable wretch.
"Weasley?"
His voice stopped her short.
"What?" She couldn't decipher his expression.
"While I appreciate the fact that my testicles evidently feature prominently in your thoughts, the bludger thing is a little unoriginal when there is so much potential for innuendo elsewhere on the Quidditch pitch. Like a beater beating off, for instance, or the myriad possibilities of broomsticks, goalhoops and arrow-head attacking formations. I've nothing against pain as pleasure, but I think they sound more tempting. Call it personal preference."
And then he smirked and walked off, leaving Rose gaping after him and blushing to the roots of her hair.
That bloody... that.. that... There are no words. Just that... bloody... HIM!!!
Rose spent her lunchtime fuming into her tomato soup.
...
A/N: This chapter is dedicated to Claire, my darling beta and best friend, for telling me when what makes sense in my head doesn't make sense on paper and for treating my characters like real people.
