Chapter 4

Diggle walked back into the room and Oliver filled him in on the conversation he had just had. Diggle took everything in then told Oliver to get some rest.

Diggle laid down across the couch, he didn't want to curl up in the bed as he'd probably fall asleep. Sam seemed to be sleeping much more peacefully than before. Diggle figured his body and brain were too exhausted to really dream anymore. Diggle watched Sam's sleeping form as he processed what Oliver had told him. Talk about loyalty between family. He and his brothers in arms in the military had gone to some great lengths to protect each other but the Winchesters really knew no bounds when it came to trying to save each other. Yet in the end they had destroyed their family and Sam was left holding the wreckage. Bobby made a good point that sometimes saving someone is not always the answer, there had been times that he and others had had to make that choice to sacrifice someone or sacrifice the mission. He still had nightmares about those choices. Oliver hadn't had to face that yet and Diggle hadn't felt that Oliver was ready to think about those choices. Maybe watching Sam go through this would give Diggle a starting point for that conversation. He thought about what it had taken for Sam to choose school over his family and walk away from any support system he had. That took guts. Still though, to lose everyone important to him in the space of two years, that kind of loss could easily destroy that courage. He saw Sam struggling to open his eyes. Diggle grabbed a water bottle and some ibuprofen just in case Sam was sober enough to start feeling the monstrous headache that was going to hit sooner or later.

"Dean, why'd you let me drink so much?:" Sam said in a hoarse voice. "God I'm so thirsty. " Dean's presence in Sam's life was so ingrained that his brother was literally the first thing he thought of no matter what. Diggle handed Sam a bottle of water.

"Here Sam."

"Wait. John? Where am I? Where's…" It was painful to watch, this was probably the first time since Dean had been killed that Sam's mind hadn't been fogged with alcohol. Diggle watched those expressive brown eyes and saw the sorrow, realization and finally acceptance that Dean was truly gone settle into Sam's mind. His expression became one of utter defeat and guilt. Sam had tried and tried but had failed to save his brother. The one person in his life who had always protected him and saved him and the one time Dean needed him Sam had failed. Diggle saw Sam's hands start to shake as he took a drink from the bottle.

"The necklace that Dean always wore. Is it here? " Sam's eyes were filled with tears.

"Yes Sam, I'll get it for you. " Diggle had taken it off of Sam one of the many times they had helped him to the bathroom last night. He took it from the table where he had placed it and handed it to Sam. Sam stared at the necklace.

"I gave this to him when we were kids. We never really had a Christmas after Mom died. Dean would steal presents from other kid's houses to give me something. Half the time they were dolls or some toys for girls, sometimes though he got good ones. Anyway, I had saved up some money and got this to give to our Dad. He didn't show that Christmas, a job had run long so I gave it to Dean instead. He wore it ever since. " Sam put the necklace on and looked around and winced as some light hit his eyes.

"Holy shit! Ow! This is going to suck soon isn't it?" Diggle just handed Sam the ibuprofen and smiled a bit.

"Yeah, the puking was the easy part. "

"Oh. Was it bad?" Sam asked as an expression mixed with disgust and embarrassment crossed his face.

"Let's just say it's a good thing Oliver and I work out a lot. You're not exactly a small guy. "

Sam face looked a bit sheepish.

"Sorry about all of this. Is Oliver still here? How'd you guys find me? I don't really remember much. "

"Yeah he's here. He's sleeping in the other room. He has to leave tonight though, some things are heating up in Starling that he needs to attend to. " Diggle saw Sam try to get up. "Hey, you're nowhere near ready to move. You and I are staying here until you are functional. Oliver wants you to come stay at Starling for awhile.

Sam got a stubborn look on his face " No John, Oliver needs you to watch his back. I can take care of myself now." He hissed in pain, he had talked a bit louder and his head was starting to pound so the extra volume in his voice made it worse.

"Sam, you are in no shape to walk to the door of this hotel room much less drive. Oliver's capable of taking care of himself, he has Felicity to watch his back and tell him when things heat up. Besides, as I told Oliver he needs to think more and act less sometimes. I consider this a learning experience for him. It will be fine. Take the pills, drink some water and get some rest. " Diggle's tone brooked no debate and Sam had to agree with him. The thought of trying to stand made his stomach roil and heave.

"John...I don't know what to say. You guys didn't have to do this." Sam said in a whisper.

"First off, call me Dig. Second, Oliver, Felicity and I consider you and Dean family. We know how much you're hurting and we're going to get you through this. Now rest. " Diggle replied also in low tones. Sam's face was filled with gratitude, he nodded at Diggle, took the pills and laid back down.

Sam was recuperating a little faster than Dig had thought he would which was good. Well at least physically anyway, the rest they would have to wait and see. He had been in good shape when he started his drinking binge so that helped a lot. Now that the alcohol was out of his system, he should recover from the headache within a day or so. Although Dig made light of Oliver being alone he really didn't like not being where he could help him if it came to it. Sam seemed clear of the worst of it so Dig laid back on the couch and dozed a bit.

Although Sam's eyes were closed he wasn't going to be able to sleep any time soon. His body ached, his stomach burned from all the retching, his head was pounding and his mind would not slow down. It had been an effort just to bring that water bottle to his lips. Now that the fog of alcohol was gone Dean's death hammered at him but he had to get a hold of those emotions. Dean was dead, dad was dead, mom was dead and so was Jessica. Emotions threatened to send him running to the bathroom to puke again and he started to take deep breaths to calm himself. "C'mon Sam, think, think." He chastised himself, he couldn't remember any of the last month really and was scared to think about what he may have done. His arm itched and he scratched at it, there was a scar running along the inside of his arm. He never had a scar there before, as his fingers traced the length of the scar images slammed into his mind with crystalline clarity. Images of his fist flying into the side of the Impala, of shattering the window and, oh god. Fearfully he opened his eyes and looked at his arm. Skin puckered in a jagged line going from the inside of his wrist to his elbow. Oh God, he had actually gone that far. Shame filled him, he wasn't worth what his brother had done, he wasn't worth what Dig and Oliver were trying to do. He was a coward. Only cowards try to kill themselves. He couldn't cry anymore, there was nothing left to come out. A gaping emptiness opened up in his soul, a yawning chasm of darkness swallowed him, he lost himself in the physical pain of his body because it hurt less than his soul.

Oliver woke up, it was about noon. The fact that Diggle hadn't awakened him to help with Sam had to be a good sign. He walked into the bathroom and looked into the other room. Dig seemed to be asleep on the couch and Sam was sitting up in bed with his eyes closed. There was a couple of empty water bottles by the bed, that had to be progress. Oliver walked to Sam and touched his shoulder. He figured talking would probably hurt Sam's head. Sam's eyes opened and Oliver saw such self loathing in them. Sam must be starting to remember the last month. Oliver had hoped that would take a bit longer as his ideas to help Sam would require him to be in better shape.

"Oliver.." Sam said as quietly as he could. " Thank you. I know I abused your trust with those cards. I won't be able to pay you back. If you want the Impala as payment I understand. "

Oliver was stunned, that cost Sam a lot to say. Sam was offering his last remaining connection to his family to him. Oliver sat on the bed next to Sam and looked Sam directly in the eyes. He needed Sam to see what he was going to say next was not about pity.

"Sam, I appreciate what you are offering to me. I know what that car is to you. I don't need you to pay me back that way. Please come with Dig to Starling. You need time to deal with what happened, you need to heal. You can't heal being on the road. That's how you can repay me, allow me to help you heal. " Oliver hoped that Sam wasn't so filled with loathing that he had already chosen to give up.

"I can't, I'm not worth the effort. I'm a coward and I wouldn't want you to waste your time on me. " Sam held up his arm to show Oliver the scar. " Take the Impala please. " Oliver wanted to punch the hell out of Sam, this was happening too fast and Oliver wasn't sure what to say.

"No. You healing is the only payment I will take. I have an overabundance of material things in my life, what I don't have an abundance of are friends. " Then Oliver took a huge risk. "We all have scars Sam, the only ones who don't are those who never tried to make a difference. You can't save everyone." Sam looked as if Oliver was physically punching him by repeating the words that Dean had told to Oliver that night. "He knew what was coming down the road. He was trying to get through to you as much as me. Dean knew there was only one way this was going to end. You tried, you both did. He was trying to tell you that he understood that. "

Sam started shaking his head, trying to deny what he was hearing. "No, no, no. I can't, I just can't. I betrayed everyone by trying to kill myself. I can't go hunt anymore, I can't be normal, I can't do anything. I never could. " The phrases came out in short gasps.

"Sam, look. You and Dean, you were always there for each other, you helped each other, you loved each other. You're lost right now, I know a lot about being lost, trust me on this. You need time. You're coming with Dig to Starling. Don't worry about owing me or being a burden. You need this, Dean would want this for you. I am not trying now nor would I ever try to replace Dean believe me. I expect nothing from you in return except to give yourself time. Are we clear? "

Sam looked at Oliver and saw that his eyes held no pity. He saw that Oliver was offering this to him out of caring, not pity. He knew that he wouldn't accept any other answer, was stubborn enough and had the resources to find Sam if he went anywhere else. What other options did Sam have?

"Ok, but I won't stay longer than a month no matter what you say. I won't take further advantage of you and you have other concerns than a broken man in your life. That is my one condition. " Sam had to set some boundaries so Oliver would understand that at some point Sam may just have to be cut loose. Sam refused to let anyone else sacrifice their whole life for him, he wasn't worthy of that.

"I can accept that. " Oliver was actually pleased about the condition. It showed that Sam still had some self respect left. Hopefully it'd be enough to get him through this.

"Everything decided then? " Diggle said from the couch.

"Yes Dig I think so. "Oliver said. Sam's face was a mystery to Oliver at that moment. Perhaps Sam had realized he had something left in him but wasn't ready to admit it. "I think you guys will be ok without me now and I need to get back. " Oliver paused, but he figured Sam would look at his phone eventually. 'Sam I need to tell you something, when I found you I realized I was out of my depth. I took a risk and looked at your phone and saw that someone named Bobby had been calling you repeatedly. I called and spoke to him twice. He told me what happened to Dean in greater detail and a bit about your lives. I'm sorry if you feel that I overstepped my bounds. Bobby seems to care for you a great deal. "

Sam looked at Oliver. He couldn't really be mad, he would have done the same thing if roles had been reversed.

"No it's ok. Bobby's like a second dad. I should have been talking to him but I just couldn't. I'm glad he knows I am ok actually. I'll try to call him later when my head hurts less. I imagine the scolding I am going to get won't be done in whispers or soft tones. " Sam chuckled a bit but it hurt his head to move that much.

"Thank you for understanding. One more thing. The Impala is still at the motel. If you are ok with either Dig or myself driving it we can pick it up and bring it here. " Oliver was not going to assume that Sam was ok with anyone driving the Impala right now.

"Yeah, she needs to get out of there. I sure as hell can't drive. Take the keys and get her." Sam replied " Oh she's stock so no power steering and give yourself extra time to stop. She's a beast to drive but fun. Also you may want to turn the volume on the radio down unless you really like 80s rock. I think there was ½ a tank of gas left. I honestly don't really remember. "

"Well we're not too far and I saw a gas station on the corner so it should be ok." Oliver looked at Diggle, he remembered that he had admired the car.

"Sure, I'll go get her. I've wanted to drive her since the first night we met. " Dig got a huge smile on his face, got the keys and called a cab. He and Oliver still weren't too comfortable leaving Sam alone yet. Oliver called his pilot and told him was ready to head out as soon as they could. Sam leaned his head against the wall and thought of Dean's. He replayed memory after memory of Dean and him laughing, fighting each other, fighting other things, saving each other. "Dean, I don't know how I am going to go on. I don't know what to do." He thought. He remembered Dean's face when Sam had come back to life, how relieved he had been and how there had been an obscure sort of pain on Dean's face. After he had made his contract Dean had realized what he was setting Sam up for but all that had mattered to him at the time was that Sam would be ok a little while longer. Dean had held him so tight. Maybe Sam wasn't the only one who felt guilty and like he had failed. "You realized after that you were making the same mistake as Dad had didn't you. All the guilt and pain you had felt when dad died for you, you knew I was going to go through this. Damn it Dean, why couldn't you just let go? Why can't any of us? I can't let go either. I started hunting again because of Jessica. We're such emotional wrecks all of us Winchesters. I can't let go yet Dean, I can't accept that you are gone. I won't. " Sam thought. Sam slid back down to lay his aching head on the pillow and his last thought before he finally fell asleep was of that hug Dean had given him when he came back from the dead. In his mind Sam hugged Dean twice as hard and didn't let go for a long time.