A/N: First of all, thank everyone for reviewing, no matter what chapter it was on. I'm actually extremely overwhelmed by how much reviews I'm getting on this story. I never thought I would even reach the 20th mark by the third chapter. So a giant thanks, everyone ;D Also, I'm sorry that I didn't get around to replying to everyone's reviews. I'm been in a... sort of lazy mood lately. I'm genuinely sorry for this, as I understand that your kind reviews definitely deserve replies. I'll try to get around to replying to every review on this chapter. So if I forget, just PM me and tell me to hurry up XD
This chapter is... interesting. I'm not sure how it will stack up to the other chapters, but I think it's okay. Perhaps random, but okay XD Also, for those who are wondering, the next chapter of As If By Magic will hopefully be up within the next five days. It's in the middle of being beta-read now ;D Everyone toss Mimi-dudette a cookie for that.
This story isn't beta-read, though. Mainly because I'm too lazy to send it in for beta-reading. So if you see any mistakes, please point them out!
Disclaimer: If I owned Animorphs.... Oh gee, I'm running out of disclaimers.
The Visser Humiliation Club
Chapter 4 – Into the Wilderness
(Erek's P.O.V)
It was today that we would learn a very valuable lesson – that Taylor's idea of fun was very much different from our own.
It all started on a Friday afternoon. Taylor had called Tom, Gafrash and myself to her house, saying that she had something of great importance to share with us. When I arrived at Taylor's doorstep, I noticed that Gafrash (who was dressed as a tree,) and Tom were already there. And they did not look happy.
"Erek!" Tom said with a hint of angriness, "Any idea where that useless dapsen is?"
I changed my hologram to display a confused look, "Who?"
"Taylor!" Tom shouted, "That stupid Yeerk was meant to be here twenty minutes ago!"
I shrugged, "Maybe she got caught in traffic."
Tom gave me a "you-have-got-to-be-kidding" look, "Oh, come on Erek. Why in the name of the Kandrona would she be stuck in traffic? Her car emits blasted death-threats!"
He did have a point, I suppose. It was a bit unusual for Taylor to be late. She was normally the first one here. Besides, she had sounded so excited over the phone. Though she was scary, I doubted she would stand us up.
Tom shot a frustrated glare at the door, "We're going to break in."
"How?" I asked curiously.
We both turned around to Gafrash who was sing, "Bark is good, good good good!" over and over again.
Once Gafrash realized we were staring at him, he gulped.
"Gafrash," Tom cooed, "Would you be so kind as to ram down the door with your head horn?"
"But hurt door. Door cry!" Gafrash claimed.
Tom sighed, "Gafrash, ram down that door. Or Erek and I will pick use you as a battering ram."
I secretly prayed to myself that Gafrash would just ram the door down. Little did Tom and Gafrash know that it was impossible for me to assist in using Gafrash as a battering ram, as it was an act of violence.
"What bat-ring-ran?" said Gafrash, looking very confused.
Tom slapped his own forehead with his palm, a gesture he must have picked up from humans. "Just ram the door down, Gedd-Brain."
So Gafrash attempted to ram down the door, only to ram face-first into it instead.
"Take of the costume, you tree-eater."
So Gafrash began taking off his tree costume. Unfortunately, at this moment an innocent old lady was walking her dog passed and just happened to get a glimpse of a green demon emerging from a distorted tree costume. The lady screamed, picked up her dog, and ran for her life.
I thought I heard Gafrash sniffle.
And so Gafrash attempted to ram down the door a second time. This time, however...
"Gafrash horn no come out! Door eat Grafrash head horn! Horn stuck! No good!" Gafrash panicked, desperately trying to pull his head horn out of the wooden door. Eventually he gave up and sat at a very awkward angle, waiting for some assistance.
"Friend help Gafrash?" Gafrash asked, a gleam of hope in his eyes.
"No can do, Gafrash," said Tom. I elbowed him hard enough to get his attention without actually being violent. Tom coughed, "Uh, okay."
So Tom grabbed Gafrash by the legs and attempted to pull him out. After another whole twenty minutes of pulling to no prevail, Tom finally realized something very important.
"Hey, the doors unlocked!"
So Tom opened the door and walked inside, leaving Gafrash with his head horn stuck in the wooden door. I looked at Gafrash sympathetically. Since I couldn't pull him out without injuring him, he was probably going to be there for a long time.
Then Gafrash did something that truly baffled and amazed me. He pulled his head horn out of the door, stood up, dusted himself off, and casually walked inside as if nothing had even happened.
That was one weird Hork-Bajir...
I followed the others down to the basement, were Taylor was waiting for us, holding a cat-o-nine-tails whip. "Where have you been!?" she fumed.
As hard as it may be to believe, I think Tom was too angry to even notice the deadly whip in Taylor's hands."Where have WE been?" Tom snapped, "Where have WE been? No, where have YOU been!? I rang that pathetic, primitive human technology which chirps out an annoying, repetitive tune twenty time, and no reply! NO reply!"
Taylor looked a bit a taken back at Tom's random outburst of anger, "Okay Tom. No need to go insane over it."
"INSANE?! INSANE this coming from a -"
"Taylor," I interrupted, "Don't you have something to tell us?"
Tom made an angry huffing noise and plunked down on the sofa, failing to accept his defeat.
Gafrash smirked a Hork-Bajir smirk. At least I think that was what it was. Hork-Bajir expressions can be hard to decode.
"Ah yes," Taylor began, "The other day I went to a complex that humans call a 'cinema' or a 'theater' and saw the most delightful movie. It was about two human youths, one male and one female, who despised each other. But under some strange circumstance which I fail to remember, they got stuck in the wilderness. During this time they starting falling for each other-"
"Ouch," Tom commented.
Taylor frowned, "It is a human expression, Tom. It means they began to love each other, from what I understand of the phrase. The two humans kissed, then kissing lead to other things, they -"
I held out my hand indicating for her to stop, "Too much information, Taylor."
Taylor had a puzzled look on her face, "I was going to say they cooked delicious, white, fluffy marshmallows over a campfire."
Gafrash shook his head and smiled, a look on his face which indicated an understanding beyond his years. Or in this case, his mental capacity.
"So why are we here, anyway?" Tom asked angrily. Apparently he still hadn't cooled off from before.
"We are here because we are going to go hiking," Taylor grinned evilly, "with the Vissers, that is."
Gafrash, Tom and myself all displayed looks on our faces which just screamed, "WHAT?!" There is an abbreviation that humans use over IMing programs that would also describe the looks on our faces, but I do not believe it would be appropriate to mention.
"Taylor, you're joking aren't you?" Tom pleaded, "Please tell me your joking...."
Taylor shook her head, "Nope! Our plan will be to stalk the Vissers, wait until they fall in love, then take a photo of them kissing! The Council of Thirteen will be surely grateful, and promote us all to high-ranking Vissers ourselves!"
"This plan sucks..." Tom muttered.
"Lollipop," finished Gafrash randomly.
"What's in it for me?" demanded Tom.
"I bought you a water-proof and shock-proof camera," Taylor mentioned.
Toms eyes lit up, and the hatred he held towards this little excursion before diminished, "Yay!" he cheered, "I shall name him Exposie the Third!"
Taylor grinned.
Gafrash sighed.
And I simply wondered if all strands of sanity had gone astray.
My question was answered an hour later.
Taylor had decided to unknowingly torture us this time, by explaining to us when our little hiking field trip was going to happen – the same day.
It was self-explanatory that nobody was pleased about this, even Gafrash. Despite his incredibly low IQ, he still managed to figure out that hiking, especially with Taylor and the Vissers, equaled bad.
Very, very bad.
"So what's Taylor's plan, anyway?" I asked Tom. Tom, and I were standing at the beginning of the trail, doing basically nothing. Taylor had told us to wait here, as she had to set up something further up the trail. Gafrash was told to follow.
"You didn't hear?" Tom questioned, "She only talked about it for the whole car trip."
Okay, so maybe I was too busy talking to Lourdes on the Chee-Net in order to drown out the death-threats of Taylor's car....
"Nope."
Tom sighed with exasperation, probably thinking I was an idiot, "Taylor is setting up tents for us to "camp out" in, further up the trail. Meanwhile, we're supposed to wait here for Visser Three to show up, we then lead him up the trail and -"
I raised my hand, "Question."
"If you must..."
"Why would Visser Three show up? It's not like Taylor would just say, 'Hey! Visser Three! Want to come camping with a bunch of Yeerks bent on exposing you, and your mortal enemy?'"
He shrugged, "How am I meant to know? Taylor just does these things, okay? She clicks her host's fingers and its like things happen by magic."
He had that right. Taylor had a knack for making these sort of things happening. We shouldn't even begin to understand how she actually does it.
"Okay. Go on..."
"It's my job to lead Visser Three up the to the tents. Then, Gafrash will jump out of the of the bushes disguised as a Paranottka -"
"Whats a Paranottka?"
Tom shot me a suspicious glance, "Don't you know, Erek? A Paranottka is an animal on the Yeerk home planet."
"Erh... I came from the... north pole of the Yeerk home world."
"Ah," Tom nodded with understanding, "The Kulp Traar pool. Well, for the record, Paranottkas look like giant worms."
"Like Taxxons?"
"Similar, I suppose. Except they often feed on plants."
I raised an eyebrow, "often?"
Tom grinned, "Let's just say over the years Paranottkas have developed a taste for... Andalite meat."
I instantly blocked the mental image out of my mind. But sadly failed.
"Then?"
"Then Gafrash will scare Visser Three into the tent. Meanwhile, Visser One should be arriving. You have to lead her up the trail and to the camping ground. By this time, it should be dark. Too dark to head back. And then Visser Three and Visser One will be forced to spend a night in the wilderness together, where we shall make them fall in love and take photos of them kissing! Thus sending the photos into the Council of Thirteen, and getting ourselves promoted to Vissers!" You could literally hear the the excitement in his voice as he said all that.
Talk about power-hungry.
It didn't take long for Visser Three to arrive.
Luckily for me, when he did arrive I was hiding in the bushes. I didn't see any point on having to approach Visser Three. After all, he didn't seem to be in good a mood. This was indicated by the many Yeerkish words he called Tom which my translator chip couldn't translate.
About twenty minutes after Tom and Visser Three had left, Visser One arrived. When I greeted her, I noticed she was in a better mood than Visser Three. Not a good mood, but better.
For the whole walk to the tents, all she talked about was how Visser Three was a buffoon, and how this "discovery" better be worth it. The problem was, I have no idea what this discovery was, so I kept on nodding with mixed muttered of, "Yes Visser One," and, "Of course, my Visser."
"So Kemprit, tell me: why is it that you and Netri run out on me the other day?" she asked.
This was not the question I had been hoping she was ask. So my reply wasn't very thought through. It involved a crazy story of slinky, super glue and a banana. Miraculously, I think Visser One seemed to buy the story. But you could never be sure...
When we arrived at the camp site, we were greeted by the melody of quiet sobbing coming from inside the tent.
(It was... so scary.... never have I, Visser Three, the most super-powerful-awesomest-coolest-most-supreme Visser in the universe ever been so... horrified.)
"I know. It was just a big, mean Paranottka, wasn't it? Just a big meanie," cooed Tom's (?!) voice soothingly.
Visser Three sniffled, (Yes...)
I saw Visser One smirk to herself. She then approached the door of the tent and opened it up.
(AHHHHH THE PARANOTTKA IS BACKKKKKKK!)
A long silence ensured.
"Why, hello there Visser Three."
"Dapsen Face!? I mean... erh... Visser One.... What are you doing here?!"
Something told me I didn't want to know the whole idea behind Taylors plans, so I turned away. It was then that I noticed the bushes rustling. Curiously, I stepped over to the bushes. What I saw surprised me.
It was Gafrash. But it had appeared Gafrash had lost all his dignanty, as he had been dressed as what looked like, of all things, a giant purple gummy worm.
So that's what a Paranottka looks like.
"Erek!" Gafrash exclaimed, "Erek help Gafrash! No get off! Evil suit! Free or dead! Free or dead! Free or dea-"
"Okay, okay! Now quiet!"
Gafrash decided to be a well behaved Hork-Bajir and obeyed as I removed the suit for him. At the end, Gafrash collapsed to the ground in relief and said, "Gafrash breath! Air, air!"
I just sighed and turned back to the tents. Visser Three and Visser One had taken their argument outside the tent, with poor Tom standing helplessly in the background.
"You're covered in mud! For Kandrona's sake, please take a bath!" pleaded Visser One, "I shall not share a tent with such a filthy creature."
(I will not!) protested Visser Three stubbornly, (There are fish in that lake!)
"Well obviously. Listen, I am really not in the mood to argue with you. Please just take a bath!"
"How about you have a fishing competition or something?" I asked, desperate to get them to stop their headache-causing argument, "Visser One wins; Visser Three takes a bath. Visser Three wins, he doesn't have to have a bath."
(What a stupid and pointless idea, scum!) exclaimed Visser Three.
Visser One smirked, "Are you scared, Visser Three?"
(...No! No! Of course I'm not! There is just nothing for me to gain by this pointless competition.)
"You won't have to take a bath," Tom pointed out.
Visser Three ignored him, (If I win, you low life piece of filth, then I want your rank as Visser One!"
Visser One rolled her eyes, "Dream on."
(Well... you can't blame a Yeerk for trying,) Visser Three muttered, (How about the leftover piece of Mars Bar I happen to know you stole from Innis 226 last week?)
"Deal."
So Visser Three and Visser One had a fishing contest with some rods that Taylor had conveniently brought along. Also convenient, the stream was right next to the camping grounds. Visser Three had decided to morph to human, as it would be easier to fish in this form.
Taylor had also appeared out of what was seemingly nowhere, and was cooking something on an open fire to the side of the grounds. Gafrash was sitting on a branch of a nearby tree, eating what was probably bark. As for Tom, he was talking to his camera.
Both the Vissers sat next to the stream with a bored expression on their faces. It had been half an hour already, and without a single bite.
"We missed Visser Karaoke Night for this?" I heard Visser Three mutter to Visser One.
Visser One shrugged, "We all know Visser Fifteen would have won, anyway. What with her performance of Barbie Girl, by Aqua."
Visser Three snorted, "Oh-so-perfect Visser Fifteen. Next time that I'm attending karaoke night, I'll show that useless show-off how its done... I'll -"
"Dinner!" called Taylor happily from the open campfire.
"Do I look like I require the aid of your food, scum?"
"No thank you, I must keep an eye on my fishing rod."
"Gafrash no eat dinner. Bark good."
Taylor shot a glare at Tom and I. We gulped in unison.
"Come on you two, try some of my... our... us... my homemade potato salad!"
As much as we tried to resist, Taylor made us eat it. And by made I mean giving us a variety of scary glares which forced us into eating it. During all this, I also couldn't help but to wonder why Taylor was cooking potato salad over a fire.
The stuff was awful. Since I'm an android, I don't need to eat. I still can though, and by this point I was starting to think it was more of a blessing than a curse.
"So do you like it?" Taylor questioned, a happy grin spread across her face, "Because every living thing loves my potato salad!"
Oh good. So that would give me an excuse not to like it.
I looked over at Tom. His face had turned a bright blue.
I blocked off my sensors to taste and swallowed the rubbish that Taylor called "potato salad."
"Tom? You okay?"
Apparently my voice shocked Tom out of his daze, as he accidentally dropped (which he was craddling) into Taylor's potato salad.
"NOOOOOOO!" Tom screeched, and quickly picked the camera out of the salad. He then stroke the camera as if it was a cat.
"My precious..." he cooed.
Taylor and I just stared.
And all we could hear in the background was the sound of Gafrash munching bark.
Taylor had decided to call it an early night, and went off to bed. Tom had wanted to go to sleep too, but Taylor had insisted he stay up so he could be ready at all times to take photos of the Vissers, who were sitting around the campfire doing nothing.
Heck, even Gafrash had fallen asleep. He was snoring away on the branch of an old oak tree.
I could see that obviously nothing exciting was going to happen soon. So I was going to make something exciting happen. Little did I know the chaos this would cause.
I hid in the bushes and projected a hologram of a Paranottka, hoping to spark some reaction from the Vissers. It sparked a reaction, alright....
"AHHHHHHHHH!" They both screamed in unison and jumped into each others arms. Tom instantly jumped to alert and began snapping photos.
"You were right! There really was a Paranottka here!" Visser One exclaimed.
"But that does not matter now! We are going to die! Die I say!"
"This is the end..."
"Visser One... before it takes us... there is something I have to tell you. I do not hate you, Visser One. In fact, I find your dictating attitude rather pleasant, and I very much like being around you!"
"Oh, Visser Three. I feel the same way! You see -"
PLUNK!
Something hit me. Hard. This forced me to drop the hologram of the Paranottka.
Visser Three and Visser One blinked at the disappearing Paranottka, then instantly jumped out of each others arms and quickly looked away.
"This never happened."
"Agreed."
I caught a glimpse of what had hit me lying on the ground. A Frisbee. Oh great, a Frisbee had caused the malfunction of the holograph. How embarassing. Hopefully the other Chee would never find out about this.
On the Frisbee, written in blue, bold text was the words, "Property of The Ellimist."
Oh, how wonderful. The Ellimist was in on this, too.
I gazed back over at Tom, who was holding his camera, which still had traces of potato salad on in, high in the air and was laughing evilly.
It was then that a giant fish jumped out of the river, ate Tom's camera, and dived back into the river.
I swear, thats really what happened.
Tom's left eye twitched awkwardly. Taylor then appeared out of nowhere, raised her hand triumphantly into the air and said, "Told you so! It's loved by all living things!"
Tom then let out a violent scream, and dived and swam down the river, trying to catch up with the fish which had taken his beloved camera.
Taylor thought this would be a good time to bail. Despite the darkness, she disappeared into the unknown of the walking track. She didn't seem to mind. She was insane, after all.
It was then that I noticed the soft sound of munching behind me. I spun around. Gafrash was there, wide awake and chewing bark. He then swallowed the bark and said in perfect, unbroken English;
"Don't worry Erek. I won't tell."
A/N: C-C-CLIFFIE! XD Okay, well that's chapter four ;D If anybody has any ideas for later chapters, please let me know. I'll give you credit! ;D Also, please PLEASE review! I absolutely love reading your reviews ;D
Also, I'm tired and I'm going to go to sleep now. Goodnight!
