Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight.

Author's Note: Sorry it took so long to post this. But, this chapter is twice as long as the other so I hope I'm forgiven. Please read and review. Thanks.

CHAPTER FOUR

I landed in Jacksonville after an uneventful flight. Renee met me at baggage claim. She practically jumped on me which wasn't good for my balance. I nearly fell backwards onto the luggage carousel before some stranger grabbed my arm. There I go again. Now even complete strangers are rescuing me.

On the drive to Renee and Phil's home, Renee detailed her plans for us for the next couple of weeks. From what I actually listened to, I gathered that our itinerary would consist of spa treatments, shopping, and visiting local colleges. I wasn't too thrilled with the spa/shopping idea, but for once the thought of college seemed like a pleasant possibility.

When we got there I walked right into the guestroom and dropped my bags. I'd unpack later. Renee was in the kitchen, presumably fixing me a snack. I had just joined her to lend a hand when I noticed a huge bouquet of two dozen red roses on the kitchen table.

"Mom," I said glancing over at the audacious floral arrangement, "what's that about?"

"Oh, honey, I completely forgot. These arrived for you right as I was leaving for the airport. There's a card."

I walked over to the table and read the card. I Miss you already. I love you. Be safe. Edward. He was always so thoughtful. I knew my leaving would be hard on him, but I was also glad that it was only flowers waiting for me and not the actual sender.

"Mom, I need to call Edward to thank him for these. I'll be right back."

I retreated to the guest room and found my new cell phone in my backpack. I pressed speed dial 1 assuming that it would be Edward's number. He answered before the first ring was completed.

"Bella?"

"Hi Edward. So, I made it, safe and sound."

"Clearly. How was your flight? How's Renee?"

"Oh, the flight was pretty boring. And, Renee's going all Alice on me and planning my every move for the next few weeks."

He chuckled. "Well, I'm sure you'll have a nice time."

"Edward, is Alice there? I'd like to talk to her if I may. I feel like I haven't talked to her in a while?"

"Oh, uh, I think Alice is out and about with Jasper. I'd try calling her on her cell phone."

"Yeah, I think I'll do that later. Oh, Edward, thank you so much for the flowers. They're beautiful."

"As are you, love."

I heard Renee call from the kitchen, "Bella, honey, do you want cheese on your sandwich?"

"Yes, mom," I yelled back. "Edward, I better go. I know she's just making a cold sandwich, but knowing her she could be burning the house down as we speak."

"Alright Bella." I could tell he was smiling through the phone. "Shall I call you this evening before you go to bed?"

"Um, no, I don't think so. I'll be up late talking with Renee. I'm sure I'll just want to crash after that. But, I'll call you tomorrow."

Even Edward, the master liar, couldn't hide the disappointment in his voice when he said, "Of course, Bella. I understand. I'll speak with you soon. I love you."

"I love you too. Goodbye."

I was about to rejoin my mother in the kitchen when I thought about one other person I really wanted to talk to. I dialed the number by heart and was glad when a familiar voice answered, "Hello?"

"Hi Billy, it's Bella."

"Oh, uh, hi Bella. Aren't you supposed to be in Jacksonville visiting your mother?"

"Yeah, I just got here actually. Um, Billy, is Jake around? I'd really like to talk to him."

"Oh, um well actually Jake is, uh, out with Quil and Embry. He probably won't be in until late what with patrolling and all."

"Patrolling? I thought Sam would have cut back on patrolling now that the whole newborn threat was taken care of?"

"Well, right, uh, but you know Sam. He never can be too careful."

"Right, of course. Well, Billy would you mind telling Jake I called?"

"Sure, sure."

"Thanks Billy." I gave him my cell number before I hung up. I couldn't fight the feeling that Jake was in the room with Billy during our entire conversation and that Jake just didn't want to talk to me. I guess I couldn't blame him. I decided to let it go and just hope that he'd call back soon.

The evening with Renee went exactly as I predicted. She wouldn't let me go to bed before giving her a detailed account of everything that had gone on in Forks over the last couple of months. She was still apologetic about missing my graduation because of Phil's broken leg. After seeing that he needed her much more than I did I assured her that it wasn't a problem. Of course, had she known that an army of newborn vampires was coming to town immediately after graduation with the sole intention of killing me, she probably would have felt better about missing graduation.

I got ready for bed. It was an exhausting day and yet it was refreshingly uneventful. I lay down in the bed glancing out the window. I couldn't help but think about all the nights that Edward came in through my window to hold me while I slept. I had found it comforting so many times. Once he became part of my life, I felt empty without him near me. After we came back from Italy, I couldn't spend one night away from him. And here I am, three thousand miles away from him, by my choice. I turned the bedside lamp off and drifted in and out of dreams about vampires and werewolves, fire and ice, and the poor girl stuck in the middle.

I awoke mid-morning. My sleep had been restless. I kept waking up thinking that Edward was in the room watching me. It was almost as if his scent was in the room. But, of course, that was impossible. I was disturbed by that thought because I couldn't decide if I was happy or sad about it.

After I washed up I went into the kitchen for breakfast. I saw a note taped to the fridge from Renee: Hi Hon. I'll be at work until 3:00pm. Help yourself to whatever's in the kitchen. If you feel up to it, you should go to the beach today. The weather is supposed to be lovely. Mom.

After breakfast I decided to head out to the beach. I dressed in a tank top and some shorts to optimize my sun exposure. Spending a year in rainy Forks hadn't cured me of my love for the sun after all. I grabbed my backpack and threw in everything I'd need for a day at the beach. I grabbed a towel, the spf 50 sun block, my mp3 player, and the journal that Alice gave me. I still needed to thank her personally for that. I then grabbed my cell phone and walked into the kitchen to get a sandwich and some bottled water. I raided Renee's closet and found a straw hat to protect my face from the sun. I put the sun block on and walked the three blocks to the beach.

It was a weekday and mid-morning. There were few people at the beach. I laid my towel on the sand and settled in for the day. I leaned back on my elbows and looked out at the crashing waves. It was so nice to be enjoying a beach in the sunlight. I felt so warm and relaxed. I couldn't help but think of my favorite beach in the world, First Beach. And, of course, once I thought of First Beach my mind instantly wandered to Jacob. The beach at La Push was always cold and rainy, but I always felt warm there because of Jacob. He really was my sunshine.

I decided that I didn't want to think about Jacob right now. I just wanted to enjoy being alone, especially since it was such a rare occurrence lately. I put in my earphones and pulled out my journal. I wasn't sure what to write so I just started jotting down descriptions of the ocean and how the sun danced and sparkled on the waves. I then moved on to writing about the various people I would see strolling along the beach. I created stories about who they were, and where they might be from. I was writing for hours and noticed it was well past lunch. I set down the journal and pulled my sandwich and water out of my bag. I figured now was as good a time as any to give Alice a call. I pulled out my cell phone and on a hunch, pressed speed dial 2. The phone barely rang before Alice's perpetually chipper voice screamed into my ear, "Oh Bella, I knew you would call!"

I smiled. "Of course you did Alice. How are you? How's everything in Forks?"

"Oh, we're fine Bella. I miss you so much. We're going to have so much to do for the wedding when you get back. We have dresses to shop for, color schemes to choose, honeymoon locations to…"

"Alice!" She was getting carried away and I really didn't want to talk about the wedding. She seemed to sense my discomfort and waited for me to speak. "Alice, I wanted to thank you for my journal. It's lovely. I've actually been writing in it all morning. You were right, of course. The beach here has inspired me."

"Well, I knew you'd like it."

"Hey, Alice, how's Edward doing? When I called him last night he seemed a little down. He said that you and Jasper weren't around, so I was just wondering how his overall mood was."

Alice seemed uncharacteristically at a loss for words. "Uh, well, he's good, you know? He knows you had to do this, and he's being supportive. So, yeah, I'd say he's in a pretty good mood. I know he does miss you already."

"Yeah, I know he does. I miss him too. Hey, can you do me a favor? Would you mind keeping him cool and collected for me? It's only day two of my little vacation and I don't want him getting carried away and flying out here to save me from, God knows what. Just help him keep his promise, will you?"

Alice was quiet again. She was acting strangely. I couldn't help but ask, "Is there something wrong? Is Edward there with you?"

"No, Bella, nothing's wrong. Geesh, I think you've been hanging out with my brother too long. You're starting to overreact just like him. But, uh, actually, Edward is out with Emmett and Rosalie at the moment. But, I'll tell him that you called. Oh, Jasper needs me. Gotta go. Love you Bella!"

Okay, that was strange. I decided to think nothing of it and finished my lunch. I checked the time on my cell and noticed that it was about 2:30pm. Renee would be home soon. I packed my things and headed back to the house.

I continued on like this for the next few weeks. Every morning I'd head out to the beach to do some writing. Despite the numerous applications of sun block I was actually starting to develop a slight tan. Renee kept me busy with shopping. She insisted I get a bikini wax on one of our spa dates as part of some female rite of passage. That wasn't an experience I was planning on revisiting anytime soon.

Renee had also taken me to visit some local colleges. I knew she wanted me closer to her so I just went along with it. I found that I was becoming pretty interested in the whole college idea. Once I met Edward, college became Plan B. The more I thought about it, the more interesting it became, especially since I was writing so much. I found that I was quite good at it. I felt like I finally had direction in my life, apart from Edward. I decided that at some point I would want to pursue a career in writing. Maybe I could write the next classic novel like my idols Austen and the Bronte sisters. For the first time in a long while I felt like my future was full of possibilities.

I made it a point to talk to Edward about every other day. It was strange at first, not talking to him everyday. But, I felt that we both needed the space. I will admit that he seemed a little odd when we talked. If I didn't know any better, I'd think he was hiding something from me. When I asked him what he was doing with all his free time he was pretty evasive. He assured me that nothing of interest was going on with him and that he just wanted to hear about my day. He deflected any questions that had to do with what the rest of the Cullens were up to. I mentioned this to Alice, but she just told me I was being paranoid and then she'd change the subject.

I'd tried calling Jacob every few days. Billy gave me every excuse under the sun as to why Jake wasn't around when I called. If I didn't miss him so much, I'd be pretty pissed off at him by now.

Charlie kept in touch, just like he promised. Nothing much had changed with his routine since I'd been gone except for the fact that he was probably eating out almost every night. I asked him about Jake but he just said that whenever he was at Billy's, Jake just stayed in his room a lot. I could tell Charlie missed me. He was anxious to have me home. I think he was nervous that Renee was going to convince me to attend college in Florida and then he'd lose me all over again. Little did he know that Renee wasn't the one he needed to worry about. If I married Edward, as was the plan, then he and Renee really would lose me forever.

I was approaching my third full week in Jacksonville. My mom and I had really reconnected. I realized just how important my parents were in my life. Hell, even Phil was starting to grow on me.

Phil was going to be out all night playing poker with his buddies. Renee saw this as an opportunity to have a girl's night in. She ordered pizza and picked out several chick flicks to watch. We ate in our pajamas and laid out blankets and pillows next to the couch. I was enjoying spending time with her. Being in a stable relationship with Phil had done wonders for her. She was still the flighty, child-like Renee that she always was. But, she was also more grounded. She seemed to be confident and content in her role as wife and mother. I felt ridiculous to even think it, but I was so proud that my mom had finally "grown up."

We were eating and giggling about stupid things when all of a sudden Renee blurted out, "So, honey, when are you going to tell me why you ran away from Forks?"

I practically spit out the soda I was drinking when I gasped out my reply, "What are you talking about?"

"Bella, you've been here fore three weeks now. When you're not at the beach you spend your time either daydreaming or writing in your journal. And although you talk to Edward almost everyday your conversations tend to be short and superficial. I know you've been trying to hide it, but I know you've been trying to talk to Jacob and that he's not returning your calls."

Wow! Damn my mother's perceptiveness. I honestly thought she hadn't noticed my behavior lately. As if she could read my mind she said, "Don't get so paranoid Bella. I'm your mother. I'm supposed to notice these things. Now, I've waited patiently for three weeks for you to speak up. Since it looks like you need a little encouragement, I'll start you off. So, what happened between you and Edward, and what does your friend Jacob have to do with it?"

As if that wasn't a loaded question? I looked down at my plate thinking of the best way to answer Renee's question. I put my plate to the side, realizing that my appetite was now gone. How could I explain to my mother that I was in love with a vampire and a werewolf who just happen to be mortal enemies? That wasn't exactly a normal topic of conversation.

"Bella, the last time you were here you and Edward were inseparable. You may think I'm being silly, but I actually thought you were coming here to tell me that you two were engaged!" She laughed at her admission while my cheeks started to burn.

She noticed me shifting where I sat and gasped, "Oh God, Bella. Did he ask you to marry him? Did you say yes?"

"Yes, and yes," I stuttered, "but that was b-before I knew about Jacob."

"Okay, baby, tell me everything!"

I knew arguing with her would get me nowhere so I decided to tell her as much as I could. "Well, I guess it all started when Edward left me. I thought he didn't love me anymore and he made me feel like everything we had together was a lie. Even though it all turned out to be a huge misunderstanding, I was still a mess."

"I know honey, I was there. I've never been more terrified in my life. It was worse than when you had that horrible accident in Phoenix. At least then I knew you were just physically hurt. And although no mother wants to see their child injured, the shape you were in after Edward left was much, much worse. It was like you didn't even know I was there. You were locked away somewhere in your own mind, swallowed in the pain. I wanted to bring you home with me and take you to a psychiatrist. Your father would call me almost every day to let me know how you were doing. If I recall correctly, it wasn't until you started hanging out with your friend Jacob that you started coming back to life again."

"Mom, I was pathetic. Looking back at how I behaved, I'm embarrassed and ashamed. I'll never forgive myself for what I put you and Charlie through." I hung my head to emphasize the point.

"Bella, why would you say that?"

"Because, Mom, you raised me to be stronger than that. I know I had every right to grieve for the end of a relationship, but it was five months before I could hold an intelligent conversation. Without Edward, I felt like I was nothing. I felt like there was nothing in this world to live for. I scared you, but looking back at how I behaved, I think I scared myself more. I don't ever want to feel that way again."

"But Bella," she seemed confused about how to continue with her train of thought. "He came back for you and you said you'd marry him. Why are you freaking out now?"

"When Edward came back it was like I finally got everything I had wanted since he went away. I felt like I was whole for the first time in months. The thing is, I was so happy that I finally had what I wanted that I didn't even think to consider if it was something I needed."

"Is this where Jacob comes into play?"

"Yeah, he was there for me when I was miserable. He was my best friend. He's such a wonderful, happy person that he made me smile in spite of the fact that I felt like my world was falling apart. He kept me sane and he helped me find myself again. We got close, Mom. So close that I felt we were blurring the line between friends and something more. He made me feel like his equal. He let me be me and he encouraged me to take chances and to be a little reckless. He helped me break out of my shell. But, then Edward came back and I was so happy that I put Jake on the backburner. I was consumed with everything Edward that I didn't even notice that Jacob was still burning at the periphery of my mind. Of course, it doesn't help that Jacob and Edward are mortal enemies."

Renee perked up at that, "Mortal enemies? Don't you think you're being a little melodramatic honey?"

Oh crap! How could I be so stupid? Yes, Mom, mortal enemies. Oh, did I forget to mention that Edward is a vampire and Jake happens to be a werewolf? Yeah, I know small world, huh? I tried to calm myself and answered, "Well, okay, maybe I was being a little melodramatic with the whole mortal enemies thing. But, Edward didn't trust my relationship with Jake. He thought Jake was too young and reckless and that I could get hurt if I hung out with him. Jake on the other hand was angry that I took Edward back so easily after everything I had been through." Okay, so that wasn't the whole truth, but none of it was a lie either.

"Bella, don't you think, in light of your new feelings, that Edward had a right to distrust your relationship with Jacob?"

"Well, in retrospect I guess he did. But, Mom, it was never intentional. If Edward hadn't left I never would have gotten to know Jacob. I never would have known what I was missing. As I said, I was so happy that Edward came back that I didn't take the time to question how I really felt about everything. I found myself going to great lengths just to spend time with Jake. He kept telling me that he loved me and that I loved him in return. I thought he was being crazy because he knew how much I loved Edward. But, Jake proved to me that he knew me better than I knew myself. We were kind of put into a pretty stressful situation one day and, well, Jake kissed me."

"Did you kiss him back?"

"Not at first. But, then all the feelings that I kept hidden from myself boiled to the surface. I kissed him back, and at that moment, I felt like all I ever wanted to do was kiss him. I started to envision our future together and it made me question all the things I wanted with Edward. Jake made me realize that I was in love with him too."

"But, a part of me knew that I loved Edward more. So, I told Jacob right away that although I was in love with him it wasn't enough to change anything. I told him that I chose Edward. The thing is, ever since then, I keep dreaming about Jake. When I spend time at the beach here, it just reminds me of Jake and La Push. If I chose Edward, then why is Jake occupying all my thoughts?"

"You know, sweety, you've been talking a lot in your sleep since you got here. Some of what you've been saying is pretty crazy. I mean you mention vampires and werewolves a lot. Geez, Bella, what have you been watching lately? Anyway, the important thing is that I haven't heard you say Edward's name since that first night?"

I was still caught up in the fact that Renee had heard me talk about vampires and werewolves that it took me a while to register what she had just said. So I asked, "What do you mean I don't say Edward's name anymore?"

"Well, now don't get mad. It's not like I was trying to eavesdrop on you. But, that first night I was really worried. I knew you weren't telling me what was really going on so I was pretty restless and couldn't sleep. I headed for the kitchen to get some water and when I past by your room I heard you moaning and crying out. I went in to check on you thinking you needed me only to discover that you were talking in your sleep. I was just leaving when all of a sudden you cried out 'Edward, I'm sorry!' I didn't think much of it until you followed that by sighing 'My Jacob,' and something about 'my sunshine' and 'I love you.' Then you started rambling on about vampires and werewolves fighting to protect you in Forks and I could swear the Italian mafia made an appearance. That's when I left you to your dreams."

Renee was smiling, but she still looked worried. I couldn't believe I had technically told her all the secrets I had been keeping from her for over a year. Even if she didn't believe them it was still disconcerting. I squirmed as I sat there, embarrassed by what she had heard.

"Bella, don't be embarrassed. I will tell you though, that every night since I've heard you say Jacob's name, not Edward's. Now, what do you think that means?"

"Mom, I don't…I mean…it doesn't have to mean anything."

"It certainly does mean something. You told Edward that you would marry him. By the way, I think we need to discuss the whole marriage thing, after all you are only eighteen, but I digress. Either way, you said yes, and now your subconscious is preoccupied with another boy. You can't have both, so I think it's time you choose for good."

She was right, except for referring to either Jacob or Edward as boys. I was lost in thought and didn't realize Renee was staring at me waiting for me to speak. When I didn't say anything she continued, "Bella, maybe I can help focus this for you. What can Jacob offer you that Edward can't?"

"That's just it Mom. I don't think it comes down to what they can offer me. They both can offer me a perfectly wonderful life. Edward is completely devoted to me. His family loves me and we'll want for nothing. And I know that once we get married, we really will be together forever." I knew Renee would take that last part as hyperbole and not take it seriously, even if it was the God's honest truth. So I continued, "Jake, well we wouldn't have much by way of financial stability, but he would love me with all his heart and we could have children together."

"Okay, but can't you have kids with Edward too? Why would that be a factor in your decision?"

Actually Mom, Edward's a vampire and since he's been dead since 1918, I think kids are kind of out of the question. Okay, maybe I can't go with that answer. But, I wasn't sure how I could explain it to her. "Well, uh, not to get too personal, but uh, well when
Edward was younger he had an accident and the doctors told him he could never have kids." I was such a bad liar, but I had to tell her something. I hoped she wouldn't notice.

"Oh, I see. Well, you could always adopt. Either way, honey, you're only 18. Are kids really that important to you at this stage in your life?"

"No, I was just thinking out loud I guess. It doesn't seem to matter what they can offer me. They both love me and they can offer equally appealing futures. What it comes down to is me. Edward is so protective of me. I know he does it out of love, but I let him make decisions for me. He made it nearly impossible to maintain my friendship with Jacob saying that he was only looking out for me. It's frustrating. I feel like he's this perfect person who seems to know everything and is good at everything. I'll never be good enough. He's constantly telling me that that's just not true, but ultimately, if I marry him, I have to change who I am." Renee had no idea just how true that was. If I married Edward, I would then become a vampire. I would cease to be who I am. I'd become something "other."

"But, with Jake…I don't know."

"Honey, what exactly are you unsure about?"

"Jake loves me, just as I am. I don't have to change who I am to be with him. I can be clumsy, plain old Bella with him. He's protective of me, but he doesn't smother me. He respects my decisions even if he doesn't agree with them. He doesn't shield me from the truth. Edward's always trying to gloss over things trying to protect me. He'll lie to me if he thinks it's for my own good. Sometimes, I feel like a child with him. Everything is always so intense, so serious. With Jake, I feel lighter, freer. I guess, happier." In my mind I knew there was the possibility that Jake could imprint on someone one day, but I thought he was worth taking that risk."

"Bella, maybe we should cut our little slumber party short. I think you could use some rest. Maybe a good night's sleep will help clear things up for you."

"Yeah, maybe you're right." I turned to pick up my blankets and pillow. Although I was still confused, I felt so happy that I was able to have this talk with Renee. It was nice to connect with her on a mature level. The thought of having to abandon her and Charlie forever just didn't seem right. I didn't know if I could do it anymore. I looked up and met my mother's warm eyes and said, "Goodnight Mom. I love you."

"I love you too, Bella. Sweet dreams."

I finally got to bed and expected to toss and turn all night. Instead, the moment my head hit the pillow I fell into the most restful sleep I could remember in months. I woke up refreshed. While I was showering I was surprised to hear a strange humming sound. It took me a while to figure out that the sound was coming from me. I was humming. I was happy. As I dried off I realized that I needed to talk to Jacob. Today was the day that I would make him talk to me.

I left the bathroom and headed straight towards my cell phone. I dialed Jake's number hoping beyond hope that I would catch him. I glanced at my alarm clock and noticed that it was 9:00am. Oh shit! That means it's 6:00am in Forks. It was too early. I was caught between letting the phone keep ringing or hanging up when Billy answered. He sounded awake, but anxious when he said, "Hello?"

"Billy, hi it's Bella. Look, sorry I'm calling so early, but I need to speak with Jacob. Is he awake?"

"Bella, uh, Jake isn't here. I…"

"Billy, I know he's there. You have every right to hate me right now. I know Jacob's been avoiding me. But, I really need to talk to him. I have to let him know how I really feel. Please Billy."

"Bella, you don't understand. Jacob's not here. He ran off a week ago and we haven't heard from him since. We've been worried sick. We know he's not phasing because the pack can't hear him. Either that or he's so far away that he's out of range. I'm worried Bella. He hasn't been the same since the battle with the newborns. I don't know if he's coming back."

I was so stunned I just ended the call with Billy. I didn't know what to say. Jake, ran away? Oh God, what have I done?