"What do you see, Miss Bluedancer? A monster? A beast? Or can you see who I really am?"
Divica was shattered. She noticed Vader's unsteady breathing, he clearly had trouble with it, without the mask. His skin was pale, almost grey, and on one side of his head there were two huge terrible-looking scars. The psychologist had to swallow and cleared her throat before answering: "I see sad eyes in a burnt face. Are you a monster? I don't know. You look like one, but I don't know who you really are."
"THIS is who I am!" Vader thundered and hot rage struck Divica when he jumped up, his blue eyes changing color and turning into a glowing orange-yellow, resembling the lava on this planet. "This!" He beat a fist against his chest. "You better get used to it. I will serve my master and this empire as best as I can. I will do all I have to do not to go down. I've come this far, do you really -" He stopped talking when he noticed Divica getting up out of her chair, approaching him, one hand raised as she came closer, touching his face, carefully putting her fingers on his cheek. "What are you doing there, Miss Bluedancer?" Vader turned his face away, but Divica, with soft reassuring pressure, moved his head back around to face her.
Lord Vader was so tall she had to gaze up at him, sensed his strength and power underneath the black armor he was wearing. Unspeakable power he possessed, but also vulnerability. His eyes turned back to blue. "It's not too late yet," Divica whispered, staring at him intensely. "It's not too late for you."
Vader stared back at her. His breathing became heavy, he was struggling for air. "Yes it is," he hissed. "Don't be fooled. For me it is too late." After that he quickly put his helmet back on.
Without the mask he still looked very young. Divica understood now, that this black suit and helmet were life support armor. "How old are you?", she wanted to know.
Vader looked down at her through the dark and rigid eyes of his mask. "I am only twenty-five." His voice again sounded deeper and mechanical, emotionless.
Her eyes widened in surprise. She took a deep breath and slowly went back to the easychair, sitting down again. "Still so young ..." she mumbled bewildered.
"I don't know who I am anymore. Things changed so fast … all I have is my anger and hate for those who are responsible for what I am now. I'm eaten away by self-hatred, because I wasn't strong enough to prevent all of it."
There was silence for a while in the room. Divica couldn't say anything, still trying to understand all this.
"You remind me of her," Vader said under his breath, breaking the silence. "When I saw you just now, with my own eyes … you have the same dark curls and brown eyes as Padmé. You resemble her."
"What?", Divica exclaimed. "Oh no, Lord Vader. Don't start this." A terrifying feeling crept up inside of her and she started feeling sick.
"But it's true." He paused for a moment then continued. "You see, my wife was a senator for the galactic Republic, a queen before that. When I saw her for the first time I believed her to be an angel. She was everything that's good in this universe, she was everything good in me. I don't know how to live without her."
"I wish I could've known her." Whispering Divica's gaze fell on Vader. "The way you speak of her … you idolize her, deify her. Even now, still. So long after her death."
"Padmé was the only one who had meaning to me, but I was selfish. I wanted more. I wanted to safe her and didn't know how to do it. I was full of fear because I didn't want to lose her. However, every mistake I could do I did. All went wrong. So wrong." He raised his head looking at Divica again. "You are the same. There is a lot of good in you, I can see it in your eyes. It's torture."
"Well, maybe I should better leave then. I sure don't want to torture you with my presence."
"Don't make fun of me. I'm serious."
"And I seriously don't like the things you speak of right now. I am not your wife and will never be her, no matter how much I equal her."
"Do you think I don't know this? Of course you're not my wife! But maybe you're forgetting who I am."
"I know exactly with whom I'm dealing here," she replied sharply. "An assassin and mass murderer is who you are. I know I won't get out of this alive."
"You are very smart, indeed." Vader sounded almost proud when he said this.
"Is this how it's going to end? Will you kill me after … after whatever it is you want from me? "
"I don't want to kill you."
"Oh how generous of you," Divica scoffed. "You'll kill me nonetheless."
"Only if I have no other choice." Saying this he honestly seemed contrite.
Terrified Divica swallowed and lowered her gaze. She'd known it all along, since she arrived at this place. Resigned she sighed. "I can't help you, Lord Vader."
"But you have to," he said desperate and determined. "I'm not effective enough anymore. I need to get rid of all these emotions inside of me or my master will kill me. I don't want to love Padmé anymore, don't want to miss her and grief for her. I don't want to hate Obi-Wan anymore either, he only did what he thought right. I need focus Miss Bluedancer, a clear head and mind. There is no place for panic attacks, nightmares and sorrow in my life."
"I cannot help you. Those feelings will never fully go away. They might subside in time but never vanish. You will have to learn to live with them."
Vader's breathing became unsteady when he heard these words. His hands formed into fists and a low growling sound came from him. Divica felt the air stirring around her, the furniture started shaking as if there was an earthquake, the floor was moving underneath her feet.
"You should better not infuriate me," Vader said through clenched teeth. "I have a very bad temper and my patience quickly wears thin."
"If you can't take the truth Lord Vader, then there is no hope for you," Divica snapped back.
After a moment everything calmed down again. Vader relaxed and took a deep breath. "You are right. I shouldn't take my anger out on you. You're not the one to blame." There was a moment of silence before he spoke again. "How can I learn to live with it? Ever?"
"I really don't know," Divica replied. "But it helps to talk about these things. You start to think which makes you understand them better. Then you can move on."
"You're right. Absolutely right." Vader stood up and hurried to the door, turned around and faced her once more. "Follow me, Miss Bluedancer," he said. "I want to show you something."
[Authors Note: English is not my first language, but I try to eliminate mistakes and keep them at a minimum level.]
