Chapter 4
What The Hell Have You Done To Me?
A/N: Sorry it has taken me so long to write this but I have so much coursework and stuff there is no time, but next week I will have lots of free time so don't you worry! And all of my stories shall be updated as soon as I am able upload them
Disclaimer: I do not own anything from Mass Effect
Miranda's POV
I didn't want it to turn out this way! Anger burns through my veins as I storm out of the medbay, I cannot believe Shepard! I could never do that to another human being, half of the time I don't even agree with what Cerberus does, but what the hell have I done to Shepard?! I don't remember changing anything about her, I went over countless brain scans, hundreds of reports. And it still wasn't enough. My eyes begin to blur, damn it the crew cannot see me like this, nobody should. Why the hell am I getting so emotional! I knew I shouldn't have taken this project on!
Shepard is a person you know, not a project
I know I know! But I am so used to calling her that, and I never had to worry about having to pretend on being this… this bitch around her. I could just sit with her and I felt so much calmer than I have since I saved Orianna. I keep walking and the doors to my office open and I keep walking until I am looking out the window. How is it that she gets under my skin so easily? She hasn't said one nice thing to me since she woke up, I just feel so bad when I look at her, because I can see is rage in those eyes and there doesn't seem to have room for anything else. Then I feel wetness on my cheek, I frown and my hand goes up and I wipe away the wetness and I look at it. A tear.
This is the first of many tears that I have cried for Shepard; something tells me it is the first of many.
Shepard's POV
I don't want to think about her, but I cannot stop thinking about her! I groan as I sit at my desk inside my office and I let my head fall on the table, I wince as it thumps slightly but I try to use the coolness to block her out. I don't want to think about her, about that raven haired woman, her piercing blue eyes and that alabaster white skin. She has ruined me, broken me more than I already was but I cannot help think over the argument in the medbay, she seemed so sincere but is it a façade? I cannot be too sure, hell how can I be when she works for Cerberus?
"Commander, the Illusive Man keeps nagging me to move this ship out from under his ass and to Freedom's Progress" Jokers' voice blares out from the walls and I smile, damn, that man knows how to make me smile
"Sure Joker, get us there as quick as possible" I say and I can hear Joker chuckling
"Aye Aye Commander, ETA an hour" I smile and lean back and I think back to my death, and a cold shiver goes up my spine and my gut twists. I never want that to happen again, it was like I was suffocating and drowning at the same time, I pick up the pen on the side and I twirl it between my fingers and I can remember how cold it was when I was hurtling in space before my suit's systems began to shut down. Nothing can compare to how cold it was, it was bone chilling and when my suit began to shut down and cut off my oxygen supply I felt like all my warmth and happiness was sucked out of me and I was happy because then, then I could have been with Ashley, my lips curve up involuntary and all I can think of is her when we she came into my quarters one time,
(Flashback to the Normandy before Virmire)
What a long day, I sigh as I sit on my desk and I place my hands out behind me and close my eyes as I listen to the sweet noise of the Normandy and a smile beams on my face, Ashley. Oh she has no idea what she does to me, on the mission she got surround by Geth and I have never felt so desperate and my gut clenched, I had to save her and that's exactly what I did, I smashed into them and I made sure they wouldn't be getting up anytime soon, but then I heard the beeping of a grenade and I jumped into her sending her sprawling underneath me as I shielded her from the blast and her hands encircled my torso and she pulled me down as the blast send a piece of debris coming at my head and then she loosened her hold and I looked through my visor and hers and I swear I could she her blushing and I smirked and lust begins to drip into my core.
"Are you okay down there?" I ask and I don't move and I can see her swallow as she nods her head slowly and I smile and I slowly drag myself off her, letting all of my limbs graze her as I slide over and off her body, save to say lust is pulsing around my system.
Safe to say it was totally worth it, and I am snapped out of my thoughts as my door opens to reveal a rather awkward looking Gunnery Chief, I manage to contain my laughter as she walks in and my stomach tightens and my palms begin to sweat. Sometimes hormones are really fucking annoying, but I really do love her when she is like this. Wait, did I say that I love her?
(End of flashback)
Wow, my eyes widen, I am surprised I remembered anything, but that is one of the best memories I have of Ashley, god I miss her. My eyes begin to water and I try to hold in the tears but I can't and one falls down my cheek and onto my chin, I feel so empty without her, hell I wanted to retire before I died, I didn't want to create more memories with someone only to have them die on me, because I don't think I can cope with that again. I drop the pen and I lean forward on the desk and I rest my hands over my eyes as the tears fall more regularly, and I cannot stop them, I have lost everyone who I ever cared for because of my duty, because of what's right, but I am the one who ends up suffering and I cannot take it anymore, and now, Cerberus, the only people I have ever truly hated have brought me back when my life wasn't worth living then and defiantly isn't now, I can feel the sob building in my chest, I cannot bring back all those people I have lost, and I cannot even see their faces properly, my head twinges with pain but I don't care anymore, I just need to get out of here, off this ship and I need someone to care about me. A noise similar to a sob tears from my lips and my chest heaves with it all. I cannot remember who I was, so how the hell am I supposed to save the galaxy?
"I am hopeless" I murmur and I feel a hand on my shoulder
"No you're not" an Australian voice says softly and anger streaks through me and I stand up so quickly that my chair is knocked far behind me and I whirl round to see Ms Lawson,
"What the hell are you doing here?!" I yell in a hoarse voice and her eyes burn into my soul, and they rain with sadness and pity. But I don't want her fucking pity! I don't want her near me right now and I defiantly don't want her in my room!
"I came to see if you are alright" she says quietly and something in me stirs slightly, why does she care so much? I have only ever been rude to her, it's like she cannot understand that I hat her for what she has done to me
You don't hate her
Yes I do, now shut up!
I know you don't hate her; in fact she cares about you and your being a bitch to her
I don't care what you think, she fucked me up
Do you really believe that?
I pause and I look at her and she is stood there with her arms at her side helplessly, could I be wrong about her?
Miranda's POV
I don't think I have ever seen anyone so broken before, I only knew she was upset because of the camera stream into my room and when I saw her, my heart clenched so painfully, I never want her to be so sad, and broken. I thought I had brought her back without any faults but I must have gone wrong somewhere, which makes her my responsibility, because I did this to her, and I can see it in Chakwas and Joker's eyes, even if they don't say it, I know they think it. My feet have already dragged me into the elevator and I hit the button for her room and my gut clenches. I am sick and tired of the fighting between us; I just want us to be friends, if that is possible. I don't want her to think she has to ear this all on her own. And I will make sure she remembers everything, she has to because if she doesn't, I will never forgive myself. I tap my fingers against my legs as I wait for it to go up, this elevator always does take bloody forever! I let out a irritated sigh and I shift slightly with my hand on my hip and the door opens and I walk out and I walk in as quietly as possible and I can hear her sobbing and my heart goes out to her, she is so sad, so lost and it was all because of me
"I am hopeless" she murmurs and I cannot help but placing a hand on her shoulder and electricity flows through my hand at my contact with her
"No you are not" I say softly and she bolts up from her chair and I manage to jump out of the way of the chair as it goes flying back and she turns to face me and I want to cup her face and kiss away those tears, wait, what?!
So you want to kiss her?
No! Well… I don't think I do!
I look into her eyes and they are so broken, as the normal light hazel colour is darkened to burnt amber and her tear stained face has slightly puffy red eyes
"What the hell are you doing here?!" She yells and her voice is hoarse from sobbing and I my gut clenches so painfully, I just want her to be happy, I want her to be able to be the way she was before she died.
"I just wanted to check that you're okay" I say quietly and simply, I cannot stand this fighting anymore, it is so tiring and I can't keep up with this anymore, I see her pause and a bolt of hope goes through me, maybe for once she will see me and not the front I have to put on, I try as hard as I can to make her see it through my eyes but hers remain dark and she turns away from me and leans back on the desk with her back facing me
"Just… go Miranda, I don't want to fight, I don't care anymore, just be ready to go to Freedom's Progress in 20 minutes" she says wearily and I have never felt so crushed but words before, and I know if anybody else had said them I would have argued but with her and seeing how tired she is, I cannot help but want to comfort her, because I know how it feels to be so alone and not know what to do. I have been there and I would never wish that upon anybody knowing what an emotional shit storm it is.
"Of course Shepard" I say and I cannot help but place a hand on her shoulder and touching her sends jolts of electricity throughout my body, she stiffens slightly but I don't remove it, I won't remove it until she knows that I am here for her, and she relaxes after a few minutes and she turns to face me and her eyes are still dark but they are slightly lighter and she gives me a weak smile,
"Thank you Miranda" she says softly and my gut erupts with butterflies and I give her shoulder a slight squeeze and return her smile
"Have you got another headache or one festering? Because I can get Chakwas for you" I offer and her smile widens and her eyes are a warm brown now
"Yes, thanks Miranda, for caring about me" she says softly and I can feel a blush coat my cheeks and I look down and I remove my hand from her shoulder
"Of course Shepard" I say and I turn to leave and as I am about to leave she stops me in my tracks
"Why do you care Miranda?" she asks curiously and I blush even harder and my tongue gets thick. What the hell is wrong with me?! I never get like this! I clear my throat as my pulse begins to jump frantically. I lean on the doorframe and I turn back to look at her
"Because I know what it is like to lose everything you thought you were and have no idea on how to get it back" I say and I leave quickly as I entered. I cannot help but feel this overwhelming urge to protect her, and I cannot stop this feeling I have towards her and I will not let her lose herself, because she needs to find herself, and by god I will do everything in my power to help her.
A/N: So there we have it guys! There first tender/bonding moment! Awww isn't it cute? Well please review and I should have the next chapter out by tomorrow - Bexaday
