A/N: Just a quick thanks to everyone who's reading and reviewing, I'm so glad you're enjoying it! I'm planning on doing about three more chapters, hopefully in as many weeks.
I don't wanna think about you
Think about me
Don't wanna figure this out
I don't wanna think about you
-Simple Plan, Don't Wanna Think About You
A short, humourless laugh escaped her lips. "You'd be surprised."
He'd heard of survivor's guilt, and probably suffered from it a little himself, but he'd never thought it would get so far as to create false memories. Did Leia seriously believe that she was responsible?
"Oh come on. I don't know who gave that order, probably Vader-"
He was cut off by Leia's soft, yet certain, tone. "It was Tarkin."
"How do you-" a cold feeling of dread crept into Han's stomach. "Wait, you were there?"
Leia confirmed it. "I watched."
He knew she'd been on the Death Star at the time of Alderaan's destruction, but he'd never considered the idea that she'd been present as it was blown apart. He'd always assumed they told her afterwards to try and break her. But they'd made her watch...
New anger boiled in him, but this time not at the Alderaanian survivor- at the Empire, and Vader, and the way they treated everyone around them like dirt. And to think he'd been in the Academy.
"I kriffing hate them." He said unexpectedly, breaking the stunned silence he'd found himself in.
"Who?"
"You know. Them." He waved his hand in a vague gesture, and grabbed the wine bottle from the floor.
As Leia realised what he was talking about, he took a sip and savoured the harsh burning sensation down his throat. She looked up at him and their eyes met for a long beat, during which Han felt the urge to tuck her hair back becoming irrepressible.
He distracted himself by tipping the bottle back again, trying to ignore the feeling of her eyes on him as he drank.
"You should go easy on that stuff," Leia said softly, quoting his earlier words.
Unable to stop his lips quirking, he lowered the bottle and shook it. They could both hear the last remnants of the wine sloshing around, but only Han could feel how light the bottle had become.
"Maybe I have my own memories to forget."
"Yeah?" Leia seemed to finally become aware of her unravelling hair. She tucked it behind her ear and shifted slightly closer. "Like what?"
Where was he meant to begin? Often he tried not to dwell on his past, since the disappointment and pain there was too much to take. But recently his nightmares- he'd had them constantly since Dewlanna was killed, not that he'd tell anyone- had gotten much worse, and hadn't just been distorted memories. They'd been... well, Luke had made a few appearances, and so had Chewie, but Leia had, too.
He'd definitely never admit to anyone, much less himself, that those were the ones he hated the most.
"It's nothing," he shrugged. "Stuff just gets too much sometimes."
"I know."
They fell silent again, and Leia awkwardly cleared her throat. "You know, if you ever want to talk..."
Han acknowledged her with a nod. He understood- it was her way of returning his favour. Though he was pretty sure she hadn't quite used it up yet. And now he was beginning to understand why. After all, Chewie was always saying how similar they were; maybe she was struggling to open up as much as he was.
"Do you know what time it is?" Leia moved again, but this time away from him. Maybe she was becoming aware of how close they were.
"Nope," he stretched and realised, with a flash of surprise, that he was beginning to feel tired. "You're fine staying if you want to."
Was it his imagination, or did her cheeks redden, just a little? "Thanks, but I think I've overstayed my welcome." She replied, avoiding his eyes.
"If you're sure," he tried to pretend he didn't mind. It wasn't like there was anything going on between them- why should he care if she went back to her quarters?
He didn't want to consider that it wasn't so much the romantic attraction that he wanted, but her comfort. Recently he noticed that just being around Leia relaxed him, even if it did mean that they argued. Maybe if she was here tonight the nightmares wouldn't be so bad.
Leia seemed to be anything but certain, as she remained seated on the still-warm deck plates with her dark eyes fixed on him. Knowing her, she could probably detect his nerves and worry.
"Are you going to try and fix something else now?" she prompted gently. "Is that what you do at night, work the thoughts away?"
She was perfectly right, as usual. It should annoy him, really, how often she managed to do that- sometimes it did- but he couldn't really complain. She had been a senator, it was almost a given.
"Something like that." He didn't trust himself to say anything else. If he started he was worried that he may not be able to stop.
A flash of annoyance seemed to pass across Leia's face, but then her expression seemed to soften a little. "All right. But get some sleep tonight."
Was that meant to remind him of the cargo run tomorrow? He guessed it was. It was just as well- he'd almost forgotten about it. And it wouldn't do any good to be half asleep while flying.
"I'll sleep if you do." He told her.
"I'll comm you when I get back." Leia removed her comlink from her pocket and gave it a little wave as if to prove her point.
"Fine," He nodded fractionally, then got to his feet with a low groan of pain. "My head's killing me."
As Leia stood, her lips quirked up slightly. "That's what happens when you don't sleep."
He was about to ask how she could possibly know, and then remembered that she had her own reasons for being out here in the middle of the night. Something about that made him laugh.
"We're both so messed up." He gave a lopsided grin and felt his heart skip a little when Leia mirrored it.
"And insensitive, apparently."
He rolled his eyes, worried that unless he moved them away from her he soon couldn't be accountable for his actions. The alcohol definitely wasn't helping.
"Get out of here," he joked lightly once he felt grounded enough. Still averting his eyes, he nudged her towards the still-open boarding ramp and waited for her to descend.
He was surprised she was still able to walk straight. Maybe she was one of these people who only felt drunk the morning after.
"Be there when I comm you." Leia warned him.
"I will," he promised. "What, you think I'd pass out or something?"
She shook her head in disbelief. "You're a piece of work, you know that?"
In reply, he merely shot her another grin. "Get going."
For a moment she seemed to be considering an answer, but then she just smiled, almost to herself. Without another word, Leia turned and headed back towards the hangar door. Han watched her go.
For a minute or two he allowed his thoughts to drift away, just allowed himself to stand there and feel nothing but the cool air against his chest and the metal beneath his fingers. Eventually, though, the painful thoughts seeped back into his mind.
No matter how much he tried, no matter how happy he felt at any given moment... it was always there again, waiting to hit him.
Han sighed a little and pressed his forehead against the ramp's support strut. Its chill was soothing against his pounding temples. He wasn't aware of how long he'd been standing there, not until a buzz sounded against his hip.
Abruptly, his head snapped up and hit the Falcon's hull above him. Muttering a few choice words under his breath, Han recovered his comlink from its position on his belt.
"Hey."
"You okay?" Leia's voice was slightly garbled by the comlink, but she sounded concerned.
"Sure," he forced his voice to take a lighter tone. "Why wouldn't I be?"
"I'm going to sleep," she told him. "Are you?"
Han shrugged, even though she couldn't see him. "I guess."
For a moment, there was no reply, just the static caused by the ship's systems. Then he heard her quietly say, "Han, I'm worried about you."
"Don't be." He felt tears prick his eyes and swiped them away. Gods, Solo, get a grip. "I'm fine."
"Han-"
"Go on, Princess, get to sleep. I'll see you in the morning." He didn't wait for her reply before he keyed off the comlink and returned it to his hip.
He hesitated a moment at the top of the ramp, then shook his head. Sleep was impossible. It wasn't like he needed it, anyway.
And that belly cannon needed adjusting.
Without further thought, he descended the boarding ramp and let it rise back into place. Then he grabbed his tool kit and headed under the ship, mind full of schematics and calculations.
The night was still young.
