Chapter 4

Nikki worked slowly from the picture. Painfully slowly. She said it was tricky, and she wanted to do a good job but Harry was dubious. She seemed fine, but he was still a little shaken from the earlier scene.

"Can I have a look?" he asked.

"No!" She quickly minimised the screen before meeting his eyes as she chastised him. "It's a work in progress, you shouldn't show people your works in progress..."

"Ok!" He held his hands up defensively and backed off, smiling uncertainly.

"I'll finish it tonight and you can see it in the morning."

"It's getting late Nikki, don't stay too long." He knew how she was when she got into something.

"It's fine, I was late in, I want to get it done."

"Ok," he said again. "Goodnight." He took her hand from the little distance that had formed between them, feeling it relax as he massaged the base of her fingers with his thumb. She sat down and he left.

Nikki had lied. The age-up was done. She had kept the hair long and brown but she couldn't bear to do a bad job and this job wasn't difficult – she was sitting in the picture she was trying to make.

She knew they would recognise her. Blond hair, changed name aside she could not escape her own face. And she felt as she had done as a child – she had done something terrible and she had to run. It had worked then, why couldn't it work now?

But there was one big difference – Harry. It came upon her as though she hadn't realised it before. He was her friend and family and he would need an explanation.

She didn't feel emotional, as she took out a pen and paper. All her tears were gone – she remembered this feeling. It had left her with a sort of graceful functionality which was quite unusual for her.

Dear Harry,

She stopped and stared into space, chewing at a lip that was already becoming sore.

I don't know if you're going to believe this, when you read it. I accept that it is rather unbelievable. I have managed to build up around myself a life that works (at least as well as can be expected) but actually my life is quite insane. You don't know me like you think you do, Harry, I don't think you really know me at all. It's not your fault. I created this.

You've probably worked out by now that I am the girl in the photograph. I watched my mother die and did not save her. We were in France, we'd only been there a year, I don't even know why we went – my mother running away from my father I would guess. We'd even changed our names. I never got a chance to ask.

And I was so scared Harry, so desperate to get back to South Africa where things had been good once, that I fled. I went to the coast, in Normandy, and tried to get myself together. They put out my picture, that picture, on the news. I was 'wanted'. I'd become a fugitive.

So I had to move quickly. A fisherman agreed to take me to the UK – the journey was not comfortable or dignified but I was so desperate I didn't care and when I saw the white cliffs of Dover... I swam from the boat to a little beach with my rucksack and everything I had got wet but I felt safe for the first time in... forever.

I rang our maid in South Africa, begging her to let me stay. She raised the money for a plane ticket and by the time my passport had dried out I was on my way home, back to my old life, as though nothing had happened. The only thing different was the absence of my mother.

And I have lived now, for all these years, like it was simply a bad dream. Until I saw that file and I remembered.

I can't bear the thought of you looking at me, now you know, know the things I have done. I have to go Harry, but don't think I won't miss you. I can feel the hole already.

I don't know what to say to Leo, except that I am sorry. Will you talk to him for me, tell him how much I care about him and say thank you.

God, I wish things didn't have to change. I wish we could stand still when we find something comfortable.

Honest feeling dropped a tear onto the page, smudging it a little and when she went to wipe away the emerging follower she saw her pen had leaked, after she had wiped a trail of ink across her face.

I love you. I love you. I love you she wrote. The words come out like sobs.

Forever and always,

Nikki xxx