I came up with this poem thinking about how I was a few summers back when I had my first heart break. I had been dating a guy, Gavin, for a few months and things were going great. I found out that he was moving to Colorado and I just broke down. I had to leave him because I was afraid of long-distance because my last long-distance relationship was really.. bad, to say the least. We broke up but decided to stay as close as we had been before dating. He dissapeared for a long time though, no phone calls, no texts, no letters, nothing.
He was gone and I was so scared. This is how I felt.
Breaking down
Falling out
Life's no good
Without you around
I remember waking up every morning, tears in my eyes and barely able to do anything. I was a wreck, having break downs over the simplest things. Life wasn't any good.. at all. All I wanted to do was sit in my room and cry.
Lying still
What do I feel?
Numb overcomes
Life without you
Is no fun
I would lay in bed all day, not moving, just laying there. Sometimes, I wouldn't even feel sad. I'd feel nothing. Numbness. Gavin and I had always been a fun couple, making eachother smile at the stupidest things. He made life fun.
Crying now,
All I think is "wow"
This all came so fast
I thought we could last
It feels like no time will pass
The times I wasn't numb or faking my smile, I would just cry and ask myself how did I let this happen? I broke his heart and broke mine all at the same time. It happened way too fast for me to take. He was there one day and the next he had dissapeared. Noone knew where he was or how he was and I felt like it was all my fault. It felt like that summer, I call it The Great Depression, would last forever. I thought he was the one and it was crazy to think I'd never have him back.
Seconds turn to minutes
Minutes turn to days
I'm still living life
In a silent haze
I lost all track of time and days were passing so slowly. I was pretty much silent all Summer, feeling like if I opened my mouth, all that would come out is screams of agony. Life was getting worse day-by-day, it felt.
I still call your phone
Just to hear the tone
I feel so alone
I called his phone every night, knowing it would ring and then go straight to voicemail. The voicemail always said "Hey, it's Gavin. I can't reach the phone so uh, yeah. Leave a message." I remember every time I heard his voice, I fought back tears as I'd wish him a good night. On his birthday, I left at least five messages telling him happy birthday and how much I loved him.
Dying is the only want
For a girl with a broken heart
The first time I thought of suicide was that June.. It was the only time I cut myself.
Your love was once my drug
Now I'm crashing from the oh-so-amazing high
Finding out I never was
The girl for this oh-so-special guy.
I wasn't able to listen to the song Your Love Is My Drug by Kesha because that was our song. It had so many memories in it, from the times we'd randomly sing it to eachother to the times we fought then that song came on the radio and I broke down and apologized. I was slowly coming down every day, falling deeper and deeper out of the depression.
In case you wanted to know what happened after all of that;
I found a guy, his name was Thomas. We talked for a pretty long time and dated for a week. I knew I couldn't handle a relationship though and so we broke up. He became my bestfriend and helped me through the depression. We ended up getting back together October 2010. He supported the fact that a part of me still loved Gavin and still helped me, holding me when I'd break down over my first love. He didn't care that he couldn't be my first love, he just wanted to be the one I loved from then on. Three months later, I was on the phone with Thomas and he suddenly stopped talking mid-sentence.
"Baby? What's going on?" I asked.
"Honey, you know how you were just telling me you wanted to try and find Gavin on facebook?"
"Yeah?"
"I wanted to try too... I think I found him."
Now, Thomas had never met Gavin or even seen a picture of him. His effort could've been useless since all he knew was the guys name. He told me all about the profile and I wasn't sure if it was the right guy. He sent a friend request to the suspected Gavin anyways.
He accepted.
When he was online, Thomas sent him a message and asked if he knew a girl with my name.
He did!
He said that he had dated a girl with that name and loved her but had to move so he couldn't be with her. Thomas, knowing he could lose the girl he was in love with, sent the link to my facebook to Gavin. He didn't wanna lose me, but he wanted me to be happy.
It turned out to be my Gavin!
I went to Thomas' house the next day and checked my facebook. I talked with Gavin for about an hour and told him how I had cut and left a voicemail every night. I told him every little detail from Summer '09 to the month it was, which was November '10. He then told me that after I left him, he went gay and had a boyfriend. I was in shock but happy for him.
Thomas and I broke up July 2011.
Gavin and I are still close friends and plan to stay that way for a long time. He's going to come visit me as soon as he gets his car and we're moving closer to eachother when we are older.
Did you get a different idea for the meaning? Please, do tell. I love hearing other's opinions and special meanings to things. R&R! -Torie Terrify
