Slash By Numbers.
Chapter Four – Nightmare.
A.N- if anyone has a favourite situation they would like me to write let me know in the reviews!
Disclaimer- NOT MINE. *sob*
…
A five year old Sirius Black sat on the thick emerald carpet in his father's study. The dying sun was taking with it the warmth of the autumn afternoon, so Sirius sat within the last triangle of golden warmth before night fell. Two year old Regulus came toddling up to his brother a grin wide on his face, a small teddy in his pudgy hands. Sirius pulled his brother into his lap and cuddled him. Sirius loved his brother, unconditionally. Regulus was a ray of sunshine. Sirius certainly didn't resent his brother, not even after his mother had changed so. Two years ago his loving mother had gone to a private wing at St. Mungos to bring Sirius a brother, but while the promised baby arrived, Sirius' beautiful laughing mother had been replaced with someone who seemed much older. She never smiled anymore and she hit and cursed and snarled and hurt Sirius. Rather than making Sirius push away the little brother that could have been the cause, Sirius clung to him all the more. Someone had to protect and love the baby, why not his big brother? Sirius started to sing a song to Reg. Sirius had heard the song waft on the autumn wind from the children in the park.
Ring around the rosie
A pocket full of posies
Ashes, ashes
We all fall down.
Regulus grinned his approval and Sirius began to sing again, neither boy noticed the slim figure silently enter the room, nor did they see the grey eyes narrow in to slits, or the thin red-painted mouth contort and twist in disgust. The first indication the boys had that Walburga Black was in the room with them was when she grabbed Sirius by the scruff of the neck and lifted him roughly off the ground. Regulus went sprawling across the floor, but even at the tender age of two, he knew that to cry out would anger his mother further, so he stayed face down, crying silent tears as Walburga started to scream
"How DARE you corrupt your brother with that Muggle filth? You utter words like that in my house again boy… No, threats won't work on someone so pitiful… I'll make you learn this lesson, pull you into line boy. You are a Black and you must learn what that entails… What is and isn't acceptable… I'LL SHOW YOU."
Then Walburga Black did something that no mother would ever do to her child, something that showed just how far her madness had progressed, unchecked under the increasingly inattentive gaze of her equally mad husband. She pointed her wand at her five-year-old son.
"Crucio."
The small boy writhed and shuddered on the ground screaming at the inhuman pain that his own mother caused. His tiny brother watched on unmoving and terrified.
In the Gryffindor dormitories a scream rent the air. Remus Lupin leapt up from his bed and dashed the three steps to stand beside the bed of Sirius Black, Sixteen years old and dreaming. He was no longer screaming he was now curled up into a ball sobbing. Remus glanced around the room and saw James and Peter were both awake and concerned. Remus put up a hand to say that he could handle the situation, and that they should go back to sleep. Both boys nodded and hunkered back down into their beds. Remus watched as the dream ended and Sirius' breathing seemed to go back to normal before he turned to go back to his bed, satisfied that his friend was alright for the moment when he felt a hand grab his wrist. He turned to see Sirius was awake.
"Moony… Please, don't go. I- I can't…"
Remus smiled encouragingly at his friend.
"Whatever you need from me Sirius, just ask it." Remus said, hoping that Sirius wouldn't hear the utter and untimely desire in his voice.
"Stay with me, Moony… Please."
"Of course." Remus sighed a miniscule sigh of relief as he climbed into bed next to his friend.
"Wanna talk about it?" Remus asked. He always asked and Sirius always said no, so it came as a surprise when Sirius nodded before he shut the curtains and cast a silencing charm.
"Just in case, I don't want to wake the others." Sirius explained.
Sirius settled down into the bed next to Remus, snuggling down in the crook of the boys shoulder.
"I… I've never been entirely open about just how bad stuff was at home… at first I didn't realise that my mother and father treated us any differently than other parents. When I got to Hogwarts and found out that some people's parents loved them and nurtured them and laughed… Well, I assumed that it was because I was somehow deficient. It was my fault. I wasn't good enough or smart enough or whatever. Now I know that it's them. It's always been them…"
Sirius' voice cracked and trailed off. Remus squeezed his friend supportively feeling like a creep when his skin prickled from the contact. Supportive friend now, Remus. Dirty kinky thoughts later. Remus thought to himself as Sirius continued.
"I was five years old the first time my mother tortured me." Sirius said it so simply and matter of fact that you may have been mistaken for thinking he was talking about the weather. All other thoughts vanished from Remus' mind as he finally began to understand the horrific extent of childhood suffering for Sirius Black.
"That's what I dream about. I was singing to Reg… That's what hurts so much. Not the torture. I got used to that, but every time my baby brother looks at me with our mother's scowl I... It fucking tears me apart. I loved him so much and I spent my whole life wanting to protect him. Now he is like them and he hates me and all I can do is love him. I can't fucking help him; he doesn't want to even look at me. I can't fix this Remus. I can't save him. I failed."
Sirius had begun to cry through this. Deep sobs racked his body as he clung harder and harder to Remus.
"He was so innocent. We would sit and play and talk and laugh for hours. Just him and me against the world. Then I got another family… did he think I didn't want him?"
Sirius stopped talking then and just cried silently. Remus was stunned at the grief, pure and unadulterated, that Sirius was pouring from his soul. He didn't know how to fix Sirius. He wished he had the power to change things. To have Reg sorted into Gryffindor with them, to have Sirius' parents meet with a nasty and painful accident but he couldn't.
"Sirius, I know that right now things seem grim. But who knows what tomorrow holds? Reg is only thirteen for Merlin's sake. We have the time to wait and see. To wait and hope. Right now he is under the thumb of your parents. One day he will see. And we'll be here waiting, ready to help him, set him on a different path."
"I just miss him so much." Sirius was no longer crying, but tears streaked his face. Instinctively Remus used a thumb to scrape away the tears. He just shrugged slightly and fixed his eyes on Sirius'. Sirius knew that Remus was trying to tell him it would all be okay with one of his trademark reassuring gazes but soon the raven haired boy realised he had lost himself in the golden eyes of the werewolf. Perhaps inviting the bloke you fancy into your bed wasn't the best idea of the century. Sirius silently admonished himself, but found he couldn't look away. Remus was silently cursing himself for gawping at the poor sod who had just laid bare his soul, but was so lost in the swirling grey depths of Sirius' eyes that soon even this mental barrage fell away and there was nothing but silence and the deep shadowy pools. In the dark the two boys lay silently entwined, staring into each other's eyes. Reality seemed to have fallen away. There was nothing else, only them. Slowly Remus inclined his head and gently placed his soft, hungry lips against Sirius'. They still stared at each other as they moved their mouths and tongues together, sharing hot breath. Finally Sirius closed his eyes as Remus deepened the kiss.
It was as though a spell had been broken. As soon as Sirius shut his eyes, reality came screaming back. Remus suddenly pushed Sirius away.
"Oh my God, Sirius, that was wrong. I shouldn't have done that. Take advantage of you like that. Snog my best mate after he asked me to help him. It was wrong of me." His voice frantic, his eyes wild.
For the second time that night Remus stood and began walking towards his bed and again Sirius' hand stopped him.
"Remus…"
Remus stopped but didn't turn. His breath ragged as the grip tightened on him and tugged his arm insistently. He tried to ignore the heat in his chest, the tingle where Sirius' skin met his and the sting in his eyes.
"Remus, come back. I need you. I still need you because… I want you."
Remus turned his head slightly but still didn't move back into the bed.
"What?"
"I want you. I have for the longest time. I just never dreamed that you might want me back."
"Who doesn't want you?" Remus asked as he began to climb back into the bed. Sirius beamed at him and held out hungry, expectant arms. Remus snuggled into them. He sighed happily before he kissed Sirius again.
"I love you, y'know?" Remus whispered finally.
"I know. I love you, too. Now be a good lad and shut up and kiss me."
A little while later after sleepiness overrode the desire and excitement of stolen kisses the two boys settled down to sleep.
"Are you okay Sirius" Remus asked quietly, concern colouring the edges of his voice.
"In your arms Moony, I'll never fear anything or anyone. All will be right with the world one day. On that day we will sit and look out on the new world hand in hand."
"Of course we will. Always" Remus smiled as he captured Sirius' mouth in his own.
…
In the cell in Azkaban Sirius Black screamed and sobbed and flailed but this time he wasn't waking from a nightmare to rest in strong arms. Now he was living the nightmare and the strong arms would never cradle him again.
The guards made certain that Sirius would never forget it.
A.N- Sorry! The ending was sad, wasn't it? I just wrote this one with no specific plan in mind (did it show?) I know it wasn't fluffy… a thousand apologies. The next one should be extra fluffy m'kay? I promise.
