So sorry for the lack of updates! It's been a busy holiday season for me. But with a few weeks off before my spring semester starts I hope to get some updates in. Happy New Year to everyone (:
I woke up in the clubhouse. Teddy was leaning over me, a worried look in her eyes, as she placed a wet towel across my forehead.
"Jesus, Lincoln, I thought you'd never wake up."
"What happened?" I asked.
"You don't remember?"
Teddy's tone of voice allowed everything to come back to me. Of course I remembered. The big guy outside of the Lava Lounge, him ripping my jeans, me giving up, him being killed right on top of me, the blood splattering, Jax standing over me with the gun, me questioning his motives, and then passing out. Yup, I remembered.
"Shit," I mumbled.
"Don't worry. No one knows."
I rolled my eyes and sat up. "Like I give a shit. I have to go to work."
"I called out for you. I'm sorry, Lincoln. I really didn't think you should go."
"You don't get to make that call, Teddy. Unlike you every day I work is important. I need the money."
"I'll give you the money for today's work. Lincoln, you were really out of it last night. I'm sorry for being worried about the wellbeing of my sister. There was no way you would have made it through today."
I sighed. "Fine, just take me home then."
Teddy half smiled. "I can't. I have work."
"Jesus, Teddy."
She put her hand up to stop me. "I know, I know. I'm already pretty late. I was just trying to stay with you until you woke up. Juice is still here and he doesn't mind driving you home. I won't be out too late and tonight you and I will just hang out and relax."
I waved her off. "Go make a movie."
She kissed my forehead. "There is coffee made if you want some."
I rolled my eyes as Teddy skipped on out of the clubhouse. The chapel doors were closed tight and I figured most of SAMCRO was in there either discussing some club business or Jax's outrage last night that resulted in a dead man who was probably too drunk to realize what he was doing. I smacked my head trying to stop myself for feeling sorry for the man who almost raped me last night. Yet I found myself wondering if he had a family or children or if he had a rough day and took it out on an innocent bystander. All I knew was that he picked the wrong lady to mess with.
"Why you hitting yourself?"
I opened my eyes and looked up at Gemma. She had her hands on her hips and was giving me a curious look.
"You know what happened?"
"Yeah…I know. You alright?"
"I don't know."
Gemma gestured for me to get up and I followed her out of the clubhouse and over to her office. She poured me a coffee and I sipped at it while sitting on the couch. This wasn't the first time something like this had happened to me. The first time the man went through with it. Just thinking about it now made me shutter with fear. Sure, Gemma and I didn't have many things in common but not too long ago she had been in my shoes. She had felt herself being torn apart and treated like a rag doll. In many ways Gemma has been a form of emotional support for me and me for her.
"I don't blame you for being scared," she began. "I was. You were the first time. You just have to remember that this doesn't define you. It will never define you. Jax did what he had to do. That man deserved to die. You didn't know him Lincoln. You don't know if you would have been his first or if you were going to be his tenth."
I nodded my head. "I know. I just wish I wasn't such a magnet for dirty men."
Gemma chuckled. "Oh honey, you can't help that you are beautiful. You'll be fine."
"Thanks, Gemma."
We were quiet for a minute and then she asked, "How much are you making at that diner?"
"Not much, why?"
"I could really use some help around here. I'll pay you whatever you want, it doesn't bother me."
I could easily say yes and get out of working at the place that I hate but did I really want to surround myself with SAMCRO 24/7? Of course not. I'd never survive.
"Let me think about it."
"Okay. Just remember Lincoln, you mean something to me. I've always liked you."
I smiled. "I know."
Gemma and I talked for a little while before members of SAMCRO piled out of the clubhouse. I found Juice and figured I would ask him for that lift home now. I said goodbye to Gemma before exiting the office and over to Juice. Clay approached me halfway and placed a hand on my shoulder. I wasn't a huge fan of Clay because of all the secrets he kept from the club but he was the only father figure my best friend had and I couldn't be rude to him.
"You alright there Lincoln?"
"I'm fine, Clay."
"We'll keep a prospect on ya for a few days until you feel okay. Even if you don't want it, Jax requested it. Ya know the kid still loves you."
I swallowed the lump in my throat. "So, there's no fighting having a prospect following me around?"
He shrugged. "Can't, we voted."
I laughed. "I'm sure you did."
"Just take care of yourself."
"Yes, sir."
Clay walked off to his bike as I walked up to Juice. He had a sad look on his face and I had a feeling he wasn't going to be giving me that lift home.
"What?" I asked.
"I'm so sorry, Lincoln."
"Yeah, yeah," I replied. "At this point I'll just walk home."
"I got pulled into club stuff, a prospect can drive you home."
I glanced over at the prospects standing around one of the outdoor tables. They were an interesting bunch.
"Alright, as long as I get the big one."
"Phil?"
"Yeah," I responded.
Juice smirked before he turned around. "Phil, get over here!"
Phil rushed over. "Yes, Juice?"
"Phil meet Lincoln. Lincoln is Teddy's sister. I need you to give her a ride home and then you are to stay with her until we tell you otherwise."
"Sure, sure, I got that. Let me the keys to the truck."
While Phil ran off into the clubhouse Jax was walking out and butterflies formed in my stomach. I felt faint and looked away from him. I had no idea what to say to him yet the burning questions that were forming in my brain would not stop.
"Hey darlin'," he said with a smirk. "You mind if I give you a ride?"
"Uh the prospect is driving me."
"He can follow, come with me."
"I think I rather drive with him."
Juice looked at me and then to Jax. He stepped back slowly and I hated him for leaving me. I would have to tell Teddy that her boyfriend couldn't just leave me with my ex-boyfriend.
"Lincoln, seriously, just come with me."
I stared up into his eyes and I could just begin to feel myself melting. Could it be true that I never stopped loving him? Even after everything we went through, what I went through? Jax wasn't good for me. I walked away from him because of that. I couldn't go back on my word. I didn't want to be a part of him or the club. But he was making it so damn difficult to follow through with it.
"Fine," I replied and followed him over to his bike. He handed me his extra helmet and I climbed on behind him. I placed my hands around his stomach lightly, barely touching him, as he started up his bike and we sped out of there.
I hated myself. That became abundantly clear when I woke up to Jax's arms around me. My head was pounding and I closed my eyes tightly hoping and praying that this was all a dream and that I had not allowed Jax into my room let alone on my bed. Every time I opened my eyes my current situation stayed the same and I hated myself. I legitimately hated myself.
I unwrapped myself from his embrace and pushed myself off the bed. I went into my bathroom and stared at myself in the mirror. I looked like the type of girl who just had sex, especially the type of girl who hadn't gotten anything in months. I cursed myself for being with Jax and I vigorously washed my hands and face. Fuck me. What in the hell was I thinking?
I exited my bathroom and found Jax still sleeping on my bed. I sighed heavily hoping it would somehow wake him up so I could kick him out but it had no effect on him. He was out. And then I figured he probably needed the sleep so I let him be and went into the kitchen. That was where I found Juice and Teddy.
I stopped in my tracks as the two of them stood at the kitchen island pulling out Chinese containers from a brown bag. Teddy smiled at me before rushing over to my side.
"How are you feeling Lincoln? I hope well. I brought all your favorites from the Chinese place."
I glanced at the clock, it was almost six. "Thanks Ted, you didn't have to do that."
"Juice suggested it. I figured he was right. Now we can just stuff our faces and watch trashy TV."
My night didn't include Juice but for Ted it did. I was always third wheeling, I hated it. Then I thought of Jax in my bed and I realized I wasn't technically a third wheel. But did I want Ted and Juice to know that I had just slept with Jax? I mean, there really was no way to avoid it. The only way out was the front door and he would pass Juice and Teddy. I was screwed.
So I did the best thing I could come up with. "Jax is here."
"I knew it!" Teddy shouted and almost dropped a container full of rice. "You are glowing! I knew it had to be sex."
"Can you like not?" Juice asked and Teddy glared at him. "What?" He asked. "I really do not need to hear this."
"Then go into the living room and turn the TV way up."
Juice rolled his eyes, grabbed his food, and walked out of the kitchen. When the TV came blaring on, Teddy turned her attention back to me. I swallowed the lump in my throat as my sister stared at me, mostly likely waiting for me to tell her all the steamy details.
"So?" She asked.
"What?" I questioned.
"Are you going to tell me what happened?"
"Nothing happened."
"You are such a fucking liar."
"We had sex, there was nothing to it."
"What, he just came over for a booty call?"
I shook my head. "No…He…He ended up driving me home from the clubhouse. He walked me to the door, he somehow came in with me, and before I even knew what was happening he was carrying me to my bedroom where we did it…And it was hot. And it was good." Teddy's jaw dropped. "Don't look so surprised."
"Well I am. You have been so anti-Jax for years. Why the sudden change of heart?"
"I don't know. He got under my skin. Plus he's Jax…And I once loved him. And I just wanted him."
"This is all so unlike you."
"You're telling me."
Suddenly, Jax entered the kitchen. He looked disheveled and I glared over at Teddy. How much did he hear? I hoped close to nothing.
"Uh, Juice sent me in here for some food."
"Of course!" Teddy shouted and threw her hands in the air. She ran to the cabinet and pulled out an extra plate. "Just go out to Juice. Linc and I will bring the rest of the food out."
He nodded, connected his eyes with mine, before he walked out.
"Oh my God, Lincoln," Teddy began. "He is so hot. Who the hell cares about the past? That man gets better looking every single day."
"Theodora, seriously?"
She shrugged. "I'm allowed to think people are hot. It's part of my job."
"Shut up."
"Let's just try to have some fun tonight. He obviously isn't in it just for the sex if he's staying to eat."
"No, he's going to eat our food and then split. He is in it just for the sex."
"Well then you're a fool for allowing him into your room."
"Are you on my side?"
"Of course I'm on your side Lincoln," she said as she grabbed a few water bottles out of the fridge. She faced me. "I just know that Jax has changed. You may not want to hear that or believe that but he has. I'm the one who has noticed that because I've seen it. He hasn't been with anyone in months. He's very strict with the club and then he does his own thing. Maybe he still has feelings for you. And don't you dare say that you don't still have feelings for him because you and I both know that would be a lie. Maybe you should just open your eyes a little bit, Linc. It might be good for you."
She smiled slightly before taking the water bottles out to the living room leaving me with the food. I took a deep breath and grabbed the rest. At least I wouldn't be stuck alone with Juice and Ted.
"I know you're pissed but I had to do it."
I glanced over at Jax. We were sitting outside the clubhouse smoking cigarettes while everyone else kept piling on in. Juice and Teddy were inside getting drinks but they had been gone for twenty minutes now and it was safe to assume they weren't coming back. After our Chinese takeout, Jax got a call from Clay saying there was going to be church in twenty minutes. I was surprisingly having a great time as were everyone else and Teddy and I decided to go with Juice and Jax to wait for them with Gemma. Apparently something great must have happened today because a party began to ensue. I didn't dare ask whose life was lost today at the cost of SAMCRO but it must have been someone who needed to go.
"You didn't really have to do it," I replied as we spoke about the man who had his dirty hands on me only twenty-four hours ago.
"Yes I did. I hate when anyone comes near you."
"What?"
"You were once mine, Lincoln. I never forget that. So when someone, as disgusting as that man, comes near you I react. I don't want anyone to ever hurt you."
"But you can hurt me?" I countered.
He turned to look at me. He had this certain look in his eye, the kind of look I liked seeing when we first started dating. His look of sincerity. I had been so happy with Jax when we got together and he had been nothing but truthful with me. He confided in me with things that still make me wonder why he ever did. Jax never lied to me. He treated me more than just an old lady. We were completely and utterly in love and everyone knew it.
"We had to break things off, Lincoln."
"Yeah, I guess we did."
"Our relationship was becoming unhealthy. You were in the hospital in a situation that was my fault. And I've never gotten over that. I can't seem to forgive myself for the things I put you through."
"I knew what I was getting into, Jax. Don't think I didn't."
"I know you knew but I was supposed to protect you. And I didn't."
I shook my head. "You're insane. You always protected me, sometimes more than you should have."
Jax laughed slightly. "All to keep you safe."
We were quiet as I finished my cigarette and put into the ashtray next to me. I let out a breath before I leaned back, placing my hands on the table, and stared up at the night sky.
"Are we going to talk about today?" I asked.
"I've missed you."
"You've missed fucking me?"
"God, your mouth is so filthy."
I shrugged. "Maybe, but that's kind of the vibe I got from you."
"What? That all I missed was a good fuck?"
I shrugged once again. "Did you?"
"Lincoln, no one will ever be you. No one will ever be as good as you. Being with you today was great but I didn't just miss that. I've missed you."
"We can't do this."
"Well maybe we can just for today."
I smiled as I leaned over and kissed his cheek. I leaned my head on his shoulder as memories flooded my brain. I shouldn't want this but I did. I didn't love Jax like I used to, not as deeply but I knew one day I would again…If I let myself.
"Wanna go for a ride?"
I nodded my head. "Absolutely."
We drove for what felt like hours. It felt amazing, just like every other time. Jax brought me back to his house and I went in. We joked around while I made us French toast, everything feeling casual and normal. We were sitting on the couch when Jax flipped to the news. Breaking news was written in big red letters on the bottom of the screen. A man was missing. Ron Williams. A business owner from Oakland. Father of a little girl. Divorced. Last seen in a bar in Charming. The Lava Lounge.
"Holy shit," I mumbled as I leaned toward the TV as the reporter went on with her story. I could feel Jax tense up next to me. "Holy fucking shit."
"Lincoln, its fine."
The man's picture came up on the screen. It was definitely him. It was then I noticed something more. Ron Williams was standing outside of a school, with his daughter beside him. I threw my hand to my mouth. I had served them only a week ago. He had asked me if I was named after the car. I had given him attitude and he tipped me horribly. How did I not remember last night?
"Lincoln, are you alright?"
"He was at the diner," I began. "Last week with his daughter. I waited on them."
"Shit," Jax mumbled next to me. "Linc, you can't let it get to you. I'm sorry things had to end this way."
"His poor daughter."
"Lincoln, don't do that!" Jax shouted at me, grabbed my shoulders and forced me to look at him. "You have no idea whether or not you were his first. It had to happen. Do not put yourself through this."
I closed my eyes tightly. "Please, just be with me."
He brought me to his room and I just cried. I cried for everything I was and everything I wasn't. I cried because it felt like the easiest thing in the world.
Hope you liked! Let me know what ya thought!
