Hey everyone! I know it's been a loooonnnnggg time, but Degrassi failed to inspire me, especially since the new season doesn't have any Ellie. But I've been watched the marathon on The-N, so I got in the mood. :)

Anyway, this is chapter 4. Some of you have been asking for more backstory on how Ellie got pregnant. It's coming, trust me! There's a little bit in this chapter, though. Enjoy!

Chapter 4

Ellie

I kissed him! I kissed him, I kissed him, I kissed him!

How can I be so stupid? I should know his game by now, shouldn't I? He sweet talks his way into your heart and then destroys you from the inside out. Occasionally he leaves you pregnant, the use of drugs varying. Didn't I remember what happened before? Gee, why am I not a writer for the Toronto Star again? How come I don't remember partying and having fun through my college years? Oh, right, because those "college years" ended pretty quickly. I got pregnant! I wonder who from… Craig, wasn't it? Yeah, Craig! And now I'm kissing him? What a smart idea! Did I hit my head or something?! Do I need to be sent to a mental instauration?!

He's still on crack! I was hoping he was dead from using so much. Okay, maybe not dead, but at least bearing emotional and/or physical scars from the incident, and had learned a lesson and would maybe come back and be my Prince Charming. Holly could have a dad and I could have a husband.

I could add a glass slipper, give Marco a magic wand, and everything would be perfect! I really need a grip on reality. Well, I have one. Reality has slapped me in the face one too many times. I guess I'm just losing it again if I think that for one second Craig will stick around for me…

It's not even so bad that I hope he might stick around. The worst thing is that I can't even give myself a little elbow room to actually believe it. How can I? My dad never stuck around much, even if it was his job, so why won't Craig be the same? As for the whole "I promise" deal, I've had promises broken for way too long to ever believe in them. Mom promised to stop drinking, Sean promised he'd never hurt me, dad promised he'd come back. Craig promised he loved me. I even promised to stop cutting, and it took me five years and a baby to do it.

Being handed broken promises tends to break your trust. It explains why I have so little left. I can't trust people because other people are just so unpredictable. How can I take such a big risk? It's stupid and unnecessary. This is what I've taught myself to believe. And take it from someone who knows: bad habits are very, very hard to break.

Call me what you want, but I am who I am. I can't change. I always tried to be a different person for him, and look where it got me. Knocked up and fucked up (of the mental variety, that is). I need to start being myself. If he doesn't like me then, tough luck.

Of course… that's way easier to say and a lot harder to do. I've gotten so used to molding myself around him… to be what he needs. I don't know how he'd take it if I told him I need him now. Even when we first started hanging out, it was always Craig and his bipolar. We never really talked about why I was in Group. I'm sure he must've heard me during the sessions, but it was always about him. Everything seems to be. Even getting pregnant with Holly was just another way to please him, to feel like he actually cared. So much for that.

Except now he says he does care. That he's cared all along. How am I suppose to believe that? After almost fourteen years? Does he expect me to jump into his arms? He comes back after all this time saying he loves me and he's sorry and wants an answer. What am I suppose to say? What is there to say? Are there even enough words in the dictionary? Just what in the world am I suppose to do about this?

Now I remember why part of me was happy that he left. When he's here, he puts me under so much pressure it feels like my lungs are about to burst.

So what do you do when it feels like you're about to have a panic attack every second? From a page of the book of Paige: you do something mindless. Something that takes no thought, especially about your stress-inducers. For her, it was digital solitaire. For me, it's sitting at a desk at a publishing agency and saying "Sunflower Publishing Inc., please hold!"

It only seems fitting that I work so close to where I want to be. There weren't any openings at the local newspaper office, so I settled for the next best thing. Publishing. Maybe I'm only a secretary, but hey. I'll take what I can get. Besides, it seems to me that I'm pretty good at settling. I've had my fair share.

All day, clients come and go, waiting to make it big. I file their papers and set up appointments. I stare out the window and wonder what my life could've been like if I'd left Toronto. If Craig Manning had never entered my life, where would I be today? New York, Paris, Tokyo. Anywhere and everywhere. Hopefully not still thinking of him. I never would've found myself laying in bed with him years ago, never would've had to walk away, never would've had to face motherhood alone.

I wouldn't be me. I'd be someone else. I wish I knew who she was. But if I knew her, I wouldn't know Holly. Is that a trade I was ever willing to make? I guess not, or I wouldn't of chosen what I did. I would've ran to the clinic (almost did) or signed up for adoption (couldn't).

I chose my baby. Sometimes, I'm still not sure if I made the right choice. The only way to survive is to wing it.

Three weeks ago, I kissed a cokehead rockstar backstage.

Three weeks ago, I slept with him in my bedroom.

Three weeks ago, I ran away from him in the airport.

Today, this morning, I am puking into the toilet. It has been happening for a few days now. Everything I eat, I toss back up. It doesn't take a genius to figure it out.

I'm pregnant.

Wow, Ellie. Just wow. Never thought you'd be idiotic enough to screw up this bad. Freshmen in college can't take care of babies. Freshmen in college can't even take care of themselves! What were you thinking? Why would you even sleep with him?

I wanted him to love me, if only for a second.

At 1:30 am, the drugstore is empty. I hand the box to the cashier. He smirks.

"One too many parties with your boyfriend?"

He's trying to be funny. It doesn't bother me. I'm grateful for anyone to say anything, to keep me from thinking about the living thing growing inside my womb.

"Something like that."

At home, nothing happens that I didn't expect.

It's positive. The test proves it.

There's no way out now. I'm scared shitless.

Days later while taking out the trash, Marco finds it.

"El? Is this yours? It's not mine, and I don't think it's Dylan's, but you never know…"

He's making a joke out of it. Does everyone make jokes out of these things?

"Yeah. I… um… I'm pregnant."

He's the only person I trust to hold me while I cry.

Making an appointment wasn't hard. The walk there isn't hard, either. I even make it through the doors. But then, I just can't do it. I can't.

I want to think it's because I love this baby so much, I can't part with it. But I'm afraid it's really because I just want my very own piece of Craig to hold onto. Am I that selfish?

I want to call Marco, but he has class. I call a taxi instead. The driver doesn't ask any questions. I have a feeling it's not the first time he's driven girls home from that place, scrunched up crying in the backseat. At least I'm crying for different reasons. I can be proud of that.

Should I be proud? Am I really going to keep this baby? What should I do?

I do what every girl does. I call my mom.

- // -

Did you like it? It kind of ended abruptly, but I wasn't sure what else to do. Make sure to review! See you next time!