The gang, minus Chandler, sat in silence in Chandler and Joey's apartment. The tension in the air was hanging so heavy over everyone's head. Everybody's thoughts were racing with questions, guilt and confusion. But the worst part was everyone now look at Chandler differently. The look of hurt, slight anger, and sadness filled their eyes as Chandler slowly came out of his room.
Everyone's emotions were all messed up. When he wasn't around they wanted to be angry, but when he was around they were all sad at how distressed and distant he had suddenly become.
Chandler wet his lips, crossed his arms and looked down so he looked at his feet. The silence reminding him so much of how empty he felt. "Will one of you please say something?" He asked finally as he looked up.
All of his friends had shifted their attention from the carpet to him. Their tortures thoughts coming to a stop.
Chandler look at all of them pleadingly, begging to know what they were all thinking. His heart was hammering in his chest, scared that they would decide that being his friend would be too hard. If that were the case then he would be deeper than rock bottom.
Phoebe was the first to talk, her voice shaky. "What did we do?"
Had they seriously thought it was something they'd done? Sure a few questionable events had happened over the past few months, but it was him who had overanalyzed it.
"What makes you think it was your guy's fault?" He asked as the still painful memories flooded back into his mind.
"How about the fact that we didn't notice that you were hurting? The fact that we were so oblivious to your pain that we couldn't even hear you silent plea for help?" Rachel asked loudly as she quickly stood from her stool at the counter. Chandler straightened his shoulders, almost defensively as his defense mechanisms were suddenly working.
"I deserved every ounce of pain I got, and I knew that." He said, anguish written all over his face. Rachel's face softened slightly as he continued. "I have done so many stupid things over the past few months. Me coming up with that stupid list idea. Telling Rachel about Ross. Bashing Joey about that friendship bracelet... And so many other things that I know you guy's will hold over my head for the rest of my life."
"Chandler-"Monica tried by Chandler shook his head 'no' obviously not finished.
"You guys have every right to mad, so if you want to stop being my friends tell me now and spare me the heart ache." Tears welled in his eyes as he nervously awaited their answers.
His friends looked at him in shock. Had he really assumed that they would abandon him when he needed them most?
Nobody said anything and Chandler looked down saddened that he just lost his friends. "Right, I get it. I'll just um go." Chandler said sadly as he started to walk into his room.
"Chandler wait!" Joey called after him.
He stopped dead in his tracks, his back facing them, a tear quickly slipping down his face.
"What makes you think we want to stop being your friend?" Joey asked and approached him. He was very worried that suddenly he was losing one of his friends. One of his best friends.
Chandler turned around slowly and tried his hardest to keep his cool. Although what was the point. "Because you guys resent me, I can tell." He nodded and tried a small smile.
Joey took a step back, as he was taken aback at what Chandler just said. Did he feel resentment towards him? No of course not but then again he wasn't exactly himself at the moment.
"Chandler, we don't resent you. Why would you even say that?" Phoebe asked interjecting herself into the conversation. He just shrugged and looked down not daring to say the reason behind all of this. "Do you really think that little of yourself?"
"Yes!" Chandler snapped. "I know you guys mean well but you don't have any clue about any of this. Phoebe I understand that your childhood wasn't that great. But you guys are acting like because my family had a whole bunch of money that my family problems didn't affect me at all!" Finally the reason, they all thought. "Now I know what you're all thinking. Aw, poor Chandler, the little rich boy, having problems with the family. No, ok?!" All of Chandler's bottled up feelings had come bursting out in that very moment.
"I always wanted a normal family. You know parents who loved each other, a sibling. But I never got any of that and there was a point in my childhood where I didn't give a damn. My mom had gotten remarried and it only got worse…" Chandler stopped abruptly and his friends were starting to connect the dots.
"My stepfather was abusive. Not only to me but to my mom. One day I came in middle school when I got home late from the school play rehearsals he was in my room with a belt. He said that if I couldn't come home on time then I shouldn't come home at all." By this point he had moved to lean against the wall next to his bedroom wall his face drying from the previous onslaught of tears. "So the next day I had rehearsals and I decided to just not go home. I had made it to Manhattan at like two AM, only to come to the realization that I couldn't live on the streets when I knew that someone would look for me and eventually find me. I had been mugged on the way home, pretty badly too. I remember that they took everything my bag my coat, and it was cold."
Monica couldn't help but wonder why she had never heard any of this before. It obviously played a major part in Chandler's life so why didn't they know.
"Although when I began to walk back home I didn't go home I went to school because by the time I reached home school would have started. I had signed in late with nothing but the excuse of waking up late. I had tried to tell my teachers that I lost my backpack but I ended up getting F's on all of the test I didn't even take that day. I arrived home utterly exhausted. My Mom had been worried sick, apparently, and called the police. But my step Dad, told this to my face by the way, said I was worthless piece of crap. He also said that nobody could ever love anyone like me, that I was just going to end up a slave."
"And I guess it's true. I hurt you guys. I hurt the people who love me, so I guess he was right when he said that nobody could love me." Chandler whispered as he closed his eyes and let what he just said sink in to the others.
"What happened in the past few months that triggered these past feelings?" Ross asked after a few minutes of silence.
"Mostly Heckles death, but a small part of it had something to do with what happened after the lesbian wedding." Chandler said and everybody was brought a pang of guilt for causing him that kind of emotional turmoil.
"Why didn't you talk to us?" Rachel asked softly.
Chandler inhaled deeply as he tried to think of a reason, but there wasn't one. "This was more of an internal problem. I thought I could fight it off but I couldn't."
A heavy silence hung over the room nobody knowing what to say or what to do.
"Do you really love me?" Monica blurted causing everyone to look at her.
Don't know what it's all about
But every time I look around
All I see is how we're holdin' on
Don't ask me what's wrong or right
I don't even know the time
All I know is I'm holdin' on
(City Dove, Tori Kelly)
AN: Don't worry I'm working on the next chapter for Destiny, it will probably be up tomorrow or Friday. As for the story, I can't tell you how scarred I was about how this story was going to be received. I originally wrote it back when I was still writing Before We're Ready, any of you remember that? But I was too scared to post it. But after your reactions I'm glad I finally did. This isn't the end… Tbc. (Sorry for rambling Btw)
