Huge thanks to AmbroseSaysNope and MorrowSong for the reviews!
Sabella McCann
I sat on the edge of the bed in silence and watched Kurt pack his suitcase. He has a system, a routine that he follows to the letter when it comes to packing to go back out on the road. Boots, singlets, knee pads, T-shirts, jeans. I watched him as he moved back and forth between the dresser and the bed, grabbing this item and that. He's an immaculate packer, his suitcase always incredibly well organized. I stayed silent, watching him, my hands folded in my lap.
"You're quiet tonight," he observed, breaking the silence. He disappeared into the adjoining bathroom to grab some toiletries. He stuffed them into a compartment in the top of the suitcase. I huffed.
"I'm fine," I assured him. I could feel him studying me, doubting my honesty. Finally, I released the breath I had been holding and I stared down at my hands. "Adriana found her dress today. The way that she was going on about it, you would think that she had found the Holy Grail or some shit." I shook my head and kept my gaze on my hands. Chuckling, Kurt shut and zipped his suitcase, pulling it off the bed and leaving it beside the door.
"From what I've heard, it's probably a lot more like finding the Holy Grail than you think," he told me, a smile tugging at his mouth. I sighed, realizing that he was going to do very little to soothe the conflicting feelings I've had since Adriana announced she had found the dress. For the last six hours I've felt like the worst human being ever.
"You're not helping."
"I'm not sure what you want me to say here," he confessed, approaching the bed and sitting down beside me. He draped one of his arms over my shoulders and I rested my head against him. We were quiet for a while. I sighed.
"I asked her to wait until next week. I promised her I'd be there. I'm supposed to be her second opinion and her moral support. I would have found a dress, too. We could have made a day of it. I..." I trailed off, thinking of the next words to say. I shook my head, so disappointed that I had missed out on a monumental moment of Adriana's life. "I asked her to wait. I missed a huge step now, and I can't get that back. As her Maid of Honor, I'm not off to a very good start."
"It'll be fine, Bell." I wanted to shout back at him that it's not fine, that I missed a huge step that I'll never get back, because Adriana couldn't wait for one week. I told her a few days ago that I was going to come and see Kurt. With him on the road so much, our relationship isn't really getting the kind of attention it should be getting. She told me that she understood, and the next thing I know, she's got her wedding dress and I'm all the way out here in Pittsburgh.
"Just a week. She still has eight months. It's not like she's throwing some kind of shotgun wedding," I told him. He shot me a look and I felt myself sink underneath his gaze. My lip jutted, a childlike pout. I tilted my body against him. "She's acting like this is all on her shoulders, and it's not. She's freaking out every second she's awake and she doesn't need to be. I know Rene is probably leaving her to handle all the details herself, but she doesn't have to go it alone."
"You don't know Rene's involvement, Sabella," Kurt told me gently. He's always telling me not to speculate, but I'm willing to bet a limb or two that Rene is leaving Adriana with the heavy lifting of planning her dream wedding; after all, Rene is on the road three hundred days out of the year. When is he going to have time to do things?
"I think I have a good idea," I muttered. Kurt sighed.
"Bell, stop." We fell silent. He kept his arm over my shoulders, but there was part of me that wanted to push away from him. I came here for him, for us, and it feels like he's not doing a thing to make me feel better about missing such a big event. "Are you sure you don't want to come out on the road with me? There's always time to for you to reconsider." I shrugged. "I feel bad bringing you out here for a day and then just leaving for the road." I shrugged again. "Have you given any thought to coming back?"
"I'm sure Vince and Stephanie are just dying to have me back," I drawled sarcastically, "Especially after the way I left."
"They can leave things in the past..." Kurt assured me, but I shook my head. They had asked me to stay until at least Survivor Series last year, but as quickly as I had agreed, I balked and walked out. At the time, it felt like everything in my life was in turmoil. For the longest time, Kurt was hung up on Jessa, but she would never acknowledge him. I don't know when he came to the realization that they were never going to be more than friends, but I'm glad he did. I fell for this guy, and he put me through the ringer for it. It's been a strange four months. The biggest condition of the two of us being together is that we're exclusive; I haven't had a monogamous relationship in years. It's a weird change of pace for me, but it hasn't been so bad so far.
"I'm pretty sure I got some enemies, too, Kurt," I told him. He nodded, cringing slightly. I know that he hates hearing about my past. He likes to pretend that I haven't slept with a lot of people. I thought about the people who didn't like me, and I know Callie's name is at the top of my list. Before I left, I had been hooking up with her man, Dave Batista. I know if she ever sees me again, she's going to rip my heart out of my chest with her bare hands. I deserve it, but she deserves it, too. We've both hurt people, but at least I feel bad about it. She's not capable of feeling anything other than satisfaction at wrecking lives.
"You're saying that bridge is burned?" I shrugged.
"More like nuked. When I do things, I like to go big." We both shared a laugh, but it's the truth.
"So what are you going to do now, then?" he asked. I shrugged.
"I haven't really thought that far ahead, to be honest," I told him. "I might look into beauty school. I mean, I'm pretty handy with a makeup brush. I think I could do something with that. I mean, being a camerawoman was fun and all, but I'm still young. I got all kinds of time ahead of me, so maybe I should look at doing something different with my life. Broaden my horizons or some shit like that."
"That's not a bad plan," he told me. There was a lot more that he wanted to say, I could tell, but he instead kept quiet. His eyes darted around the room. "Where would you go? For schooling?"
"I don't know. Probably back home." He nodded. I think I saw a small hint of disappointment on his features. "I don't know. I've still got months to figure it out. I mean, I'm not going to be able to enroll in anything until at least August, and even then, classes won't start until September. I mean, there's still time to figure my shit out."
"Yeah," he said, as if he had convinced himself of something. I brushed it aside, not wanting to push Kurt too much. Some things are still so awkward between the two of us, so talking about anything that could involve a future is talk we keep under wraps for now. Maybe one day we can get it all out, but it's just too soon right now. "Bell, I was thinking...since it's the night before I head back on the road...how about we go out? We can go have dinner, go see a movie...I mean, would you be up for that?"
"Sure," I said. I thought about Natalie and Jessa back home. The two of them are having a girl's night out, going to see Sin City. It's a movie that's right up Jessa's alley. I know that just based on the look of it. I pushed the thoughts of my friends out of my head and tried to staunch the longing for the past I was currently feeling. "I'll get ready. Do you have any ideas?"
"Not really, no, but what's wrong with playing things by ear tonight?" he asked. I shook my head and moved out of his grasp. He grabbed onto my waist and I turned to him, my eyes narrowing in curiosity. "Smile, Sabella."
"I can't," I grumbled.
"Yeah, you can," he told me with a laugh. Standing, he wrapped his arms around my waist and kissed me. It was a quick kiss, and it did very little to make me feel better about things. "The offer's open. You think you have enemies, but Natalie would love to see you." He didn't bother mentioning Jessa, thanks to the unceremonious transfer she got the night after Survivor Series.
"I doubt it. It's fine." He dropped it. I sighed, untangling myself from him to go rifle through my bag for something to wear. Kurt's human, and I know that he has issues looking some of his coworkers in the eyes because of me. When we first started hooking up last year, he used to beat me over the head with my past, like he was some sort of authority on morality. Thankfully, he's backed off on that this time around, basically because I told him he had to stop. It's exhausting constantly having that stuff thrown in my face.
Finding a little black dress, I gathered my makeup bag and my flat iron and went into the bathroom to get ready. I thought about Adriana, and a part of me wondered if this was her way of paying me back for getting back together with Kurt. She can be a little backhanded sometimes. She hates Kurt, stemming from everything that happened between him and I last year. Adriana didn't have to say it, but I could see the disbelief and the frustration in her eyes when I told her that Kurt and I were going to give it another go. She's kept her opinions to herself so far, but I know she's upset.
I got into my little black dress and stared in the mirror, wondering about every little detail. Adriana didn't say what kind of dress she had got, but I thought about a regal, elaborate dress with a big train, the kind of fairy tale princess dress that she always gushed about growing up. She should have just told me that it was now or never; I would have rushed up there. I thought I'd at least have the week.
While I waited for the flat iron to heat up, I worked on my makeup, doing a smokey eye and a nude lip. The dress I'm wearing is surprisingly conservative, though it does end a few inches up from the knee. Kurt gets uncomfortable with the more risque stuff in my wardrobe, so I'm trying to work on being a bit less loud. One day I'll be able to balance everything perfectly, but until then I have to keep working at it. But I'd be lying if I said it wasn't frustrating sometimes.
These were the days Adriana and I used to talk about as kids. She was always the dreamer of the two of us, the girl who had the idyllic upbringing with two parents who are still married and love each other and love her very much. I always saw myself as the realist of the two of us, understanding that fairy tales don't always bring happy endings. Sometimes shit just goes south. But I've always thought that we balance each other out. We're like sisters, and I treasure that. The more bitter and angry and jaded I got last year as everything spiraled out of control, the more Adriana bore the brunt. But she always stayed by my side. I applied my lipstick, watching my reflection's mouth curve down. I fixed my hair and unplugged the flat iron, leaving it to cool on the bathroom counter.
"Your phone's going off in here!" Kurt called from the bedroom. I burst through the door, over to the nightstand. The text message was from Adriana. Since telling her I wasn't going to make it, every text I've received has been short and to the point. It tells me she's upset. "Adriana?" he asked. I nodded.
"Yeah. She's upset. I can tell."
"Talk to her."
I looked down at the phone. I looked over at Kurt, who was buttoning the cuffs of his button down shirt. I dropped the phone on the bed. "I'll do it tomorrow," I told him. "Tonight we've got plans."
