I am so sorry it took me so long to write this chapter. School has been rather stressful for me. Anyway it's longer, too and dramatic as it contains two very significant scenes: Clove's death and Cato's own death.
Enough talking. On with the story. I hope you like it.
Chapter 4: Death
The unexpected rule change called for a big celebration. You both were doing just fine surprisingly. None of you had starved or died of thirst. "It's for them, you know", whispered Clove sitting on a large stone and sharpening her knives, "not for us." You looked into the distance trying to make out something - anything to distract you - in the darkness. "Yes, I know", a pause too long and too quiet, "but we're better", you continued with newfound confidence, "We'll make this rule ours!" Ours. It was wonderful. For quite a while you had pondered how you could get rid of Clove without any bad feelings (guilt, sadness, grief, and all the other unidentified emotions you'd rather ignore) and you were delighted, because now you didn't have to.
You were a team now. Truly and surely. For the first time in your life you cared for something else than the always looming goal of the Games. Her survival. From this point on it would not only be you. It would be "we". Together. The thought scared and excited you. It was scary, because this feeling of belonging was new and strange and complicated. Scary, because you needed to resign a little of your carefully kept control. It was exciting, because you finally had someone you could trust unconditionally, someone who understood you. Exciting, because you would not lose your partner (you needed her, more than you liked to admit) and you would be the first victors ever to come home as a pair.
There was no doubt that you would be the winners. Not anymore. No matter what 12 did they couldn't overpower you. Not when you could fully rely on each other. You felt like a weight had been lifted off your shoulders. There was no need for fear or doubt after this announcement (even though you certainly hadn't stopped pretending you didn't feel a thing). Now it was time to finally enjoy the Games.
###
If you wanted to win you had to search for the others. You decided to turn to 12 first. It was a natural choice given your unpleasant experiences with them, the shame and misery they brought you. The impulsive rather emotional decision however was backed by rational thought. Foxface from 5 was too clever to show herself as she had managed to keep out of everybody's sights since the beginning. The giant from 11 posed no danger right now and you both weren't quite ready to confront him in his realm where you didn't know what would be waiting for you. Besides Lover Boy should slow the fierce girl down and would make her wonderfully vulnerable. Now was the time to end it.
But first you needed to get to them which proved harder than you thought. How difficult can it be to find a dying boy and his protector in this forest? They must've left at least some visible traces. After a while you finally discovered the place near the river where Lover Boy had hid. It was well covered though. 12 had unfortunately done a great job. "We're never going to find them", you complained frustrated. You were impatient, you couldn't wait. Why was everything taking so long? The more time passed the more fidgety you became. Your body longed for a fight again, already addicted to the adrenaline.
"No problem", Clove shrugged, "they will get bored soon. No one died for ages!" She was right. Of course. When you stopped to think about it, it was weird enough that they have let you search for them without any incident this long. Then again… the love-birds were probably keeping the audience entertained. A look of contempt crossed your features. You hated them so much, you wanted to see them dead so badly and not because that would ensure your victory, but because you couldn't live one second with them breathing. It was irrational and stupid and it bore too great a distraction, but you couldn't help feeling this way. After spending all your life hardly ever feeling at all the emotions you were confronted with in the arena were overwhelming and it was slowly getting hard to concentrate.
The only thing keeping you sane was Clove. Clove who was faced with the same problems as you. You knew that for sure, even if you never talked about it (admitting to weakness wasn't anything any of you would ever do). You took comfort in your similarities, even if you had never needed comfort before. Surprisingly you did not feel ashamed because of your need, not now, not here, not when everything was so different from what you had imagined, so different from what everyone had told you. You personally knew some of the victors back home they must have known what it was like, why did they lie to you?
Thoughts like that were useless, they wouldn't change a thing and anyway you were winning, there was no need to worry (maybe you were able to convince yourself). Naturally you heard in the course of the next day the booming voice of Claudius Templesmith inviting you to a feast. It was the perfect opportunity. You looked over at Clove and you both wore identical grins.
###
Clove was faster and you had better chances of overpowering the giant. It made sense, but you agreed to her plan only reluctantly. You wanted to be the one to end 12's live, because surely she would be there getting the medicine that Lover Boy certainly needed. Clove had to promise you to give a good show and make her suffer. Would it have been anyone else promising you might still have been skeptical, but you could practically see Clove cutting the girl up with her knives and the image alone gave you a twisted satisfaction.
So you were roaming the woods close to the clearing hoping to catch the elusive 5, but mainly on the look out for 11. You were feeling strangely relaxed convinced that everything would work out right.
That's when you heard the scream.
Without hesitating you ran. You didn't know what was going on or if it was even Clove screaming, but you had to be there, you just had to, just in case. As you ran through the forest your thoughts were consumed with dread. What if…
You didn't allow yourself to think any further, at least not until you heard her screech your name. "Cato!" Her scream broke your heart (you were actually surprised you even had one). It was filled with so much pain and anxiety you never knew Clove could feel. She was always so strong and fierce, hearing her voice distorted like that filled you with agony. It lead to a painful realization: She was only human. And if she was mortal, so were you.
"Clove", you cried back immediately. Hold on! I'm coming! You couldn't move as fast as you would like to, your physical limits were holding you back. Your muscles strained and your breath got ragged as you try to be faster than ever before. Despair seeps through your veins. Somehow in the back of your mind you knew that you would be too late to save her. The only person that was ever worth saving. The person you were convinced of would never need saving.
When you finally crushed through the foliage your world zeroed in to a motionless body lying on the ground. Clove. No. You took no notice of either the giant or your arch-enemy leaving the clearing at opposite directions all you cared about at this moment was the crumbled figure laying besides the walls of the Cornucopia.
The feeling was eerily similar to the blood-rush you felt at the very beginning. You had no control over your movements, your body reacted on its own while your mind was overpowered by new sensations. At once you were at her side on your knees. Without realizing you took her hand ignoring that she was as good as dead. Ignoring the harsh dent in her skull. The soft and shallow moans coming from her were enough to spur your madness. You could almost convince yourself that she would come back and you could win like you were meant to. You are pleading now and you couldn't be bothered who saw it. Please stay!
It took you about five seconds after her cannon had sounded to acknowledge its meaning. She was dead. Gone. She would not fulfill her destiny as a victor (she had fulfilled her destiny as a tribute). You were alone.
Cold and silence was everywhere around you as you tried to remember the way you were when you volunteered for this insanity. You needed to find the old you again, needed to go back to before when your world had had an unstable equilibrium and had consisted out of simple truths. (You win. They lose.) The newly discovered emotions were useless now, had always been useless. They hadn't helped you. You told yourself that you were a perfect Career, trained to win at any cost; you were a heartless killer; you didn't care. (But you did and it tore you apart.)
You forced yourself to stand up and took up your discarded spear. The decision who to follow was already made. The giant stole your backpack (and your partner). You needed to get it back and you needed to take bloody revenge. Violence was what was expected of you and you were more than happy to comply. Soon you sped away towards 11's realm an expression of grim determination on your face. You didn't allow yourself one last look at the dead body. You had shown enough weakness already by almost desperately yelling her name and waiting over her corpse. In the end of course it wouldn't matter. Nothing ever mattered.
###
You hurt. Everything hurt and you weren't even injured, not gravely anyway. You weren't bleeding at any rate and nothing was broken. The fight with the giant had gone as smoothly as possible. He had been stronger, but you had the weapons. Of course you were bruised, but it should be okay. You were still perfectly functional and that bastard was dead. Maybe your vengeance wasn't as cruelly executed as you would have liked to, but if you were honest with yourself (just once), you had been lucky you turned out victorious in the end.
You hurt all over. It didn't make any sense, but you didn't care. You didn't care about anything. Killing the guy who killed your partner hadn't brought you the relief and satisfaction you had expected. You were numb save for a constant pain lurking in the background. Feeling so intensely and so variously in such a short time had drained you. There was a void inside of you and you vaguely wondered why and how you even kept moving.
Seeing 5's face in the sky didn't surprise you. She had always been so careful, some day even she was bound to fail (you were, too, that day was here). All you knew was that they were going to end it now. It was only them and you. Strangely you were reluctant to let these Games be over. These Games that had been so unlike everything you had been told to expect.
What did you want? You weren't sure. Did you even still want to win? You didn't want to lose, but winning didn't seem so glorious to you anymore. Coming home didn't seem necessary or even particularly desirable. Maybe you only continued onwards, because there was no way back. Because you didn't know what else to do. All your life you had been prepared for this (you couldn't have been prepared worse), all this time you had worked towards this one victory and now when it was so close, only two obstacles away, you had no choice (you never had any choice).
Night suddenly fell and you weren't even irritated. Beasts were howling close to you and you weren't even scared. You ran. Out of habit probably or out of an universal survival instinct. The animals were some kind of wolves, mutts for sure and you didn't care to be killed by those abominations, not before you had one last chance at destroying your opponents.
The clearing was right there and so was the Cornucopia. Climbing on it was the only way to temporarily escape the monsters. On the black, smooth surface you waited catching your breath and soon enough 12 appeared beside you equally exhausted. That was all the motivation you needed. You were upon them as soon as they reached the plateau.
You struggled for a while until you had Lover Boy in a headlock. He wasn't going anywhere and that girl couldn't shoot you. It was a beautiful stalemate. None of you could get out of it alive. It almost made you laugh maniacally. Maybe you should. It would fit your deranged state of mind oh so well. You were losing control, had more likely lost it a long time ago and neither did you notice nor did you mind.
„Go on, shoot. And we'd both go down and you'd win"
There was no escape. There never had been. You were bitter now, because you finally acknowledged what had been in the back of your mind all along. This was going to be it. You weren't coming home. There had never been a chance for you.
„Go on. I'm dead anyway! I always was, right? I didn't know that until now."
You weren't even afraid now to voice it. You felt strangely detached, because nothing you do would change a thing. Lover Boy was slowly dying in your arms, but even that held no significance for you anymore. There was no denial any longer, no violence to hide behind. You couldn't ignore what was so obvious. You had never been meant to win.
„Isn't that what they want, huh?"
Everyone had betrayed you. They had lied and deceived and hadn't even realized it themselves. Life had betrayed you. It had promised fame and glory and it had given you chaos and despair. The Capitol didn't love you, they didn't adore you, they didn't want you to live. They had their heroes. The tale of the star-crossed lovers catered to the audience' ridiculous desire for drama and tragedy. They didn't see your own tragedy, because they didn't care. Not really, not for you, not for the lovers, not for anyone but themselves. They wanted this so badly. And you were going to fulfill their wishes.
„No! I can still do this. I can still do this. One more kill. It's the only thing I know how to do. Bring pride to my district."
Killing was in your blood. It felt right to you. You were brilliant at it. It's not a skill you could use in real life, not a skill which earns you money or friends happiness. You weren't able to live a regular life, you never would be. There was no way you would calm down, find a girl, get a child and die in their loving arms. Dying in a horrible fight is the only death for you. Bleeding and hurting and angry. You were always so angry. Murdering had never succeeded in dissipating that deep rage you felt. But now you were just numb. Hollow and broken.
„Not that it matters."
You felt cold fingers just barely touch the hand that was holding Lover Boy and then a piercing hot pain radiating through your veins. The next thing you knew was that you fell - without the boy that hadn't been your plan - down into the mutt's waiting teeth and claws.
The beasts immediately tore at your body armor and for a while you couldn't think anything but pain and why don't they end it already? Your ears were filled with hissing and growling and all you could see was dark, dirty fur until you noticed their eyes. A flash of Glimmer's shining green eyes. The cold steel blue of Marvel's. A wolf with Clove's familiar brown eyes was trying to bite your arm off. You looked away frantically. You couldn't take it anymore. Gazing upwards desperately you caught a glimpse of that girl and suddenly her name surged through your head. Katniss, kill me!
Darkness enveloped you. Warm and welcoming.
You were dead from the day you were born. You had just been in denial. But that was over now. Irrevocably. You were moving on.
Home.
The end. Thanks for reading :)
