Shagability
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, but I do own the number of words in this distinctly-longer-than-it-should-be chapter.
Chapter Four
Sirius wasn't even sure he knew how he felt about wanting to snog the pants off one of his best mates. What in the bloody hell was he going to do?
"Right, lads, lets head down, yeah? Lily'll murder me if we're too much longer- oi, where'd Moony go?"
Standing in the rapidly emptying common room, his trunk he'd just packed for the very last time ever waiting behind him, Sirius followed James's gaze, a frown appearing when he saw that they were indeed one Marauder short. James was standing directly in front of the portrait hole, not even acknowledging the students he was forcing to scramble around him, and Peter was crouched down next to him, frantically digging through his trunk in search of something, but Remus was nowhere to be seen. He hadn't gone through the portrait hole ahead of them, and considering he'd been with them when they'd dragged their trunks downstairs half an hour before, he couldn't still be packing – not that Moony would ever leave his packing to the last minute anyway – so where was he?
"Maybe he forgot something? Go and check, would you, Padfoot?"
Sirius turned his head to look incredulously at James, but the bespectacled boy wasn't looking in his direction. Impatience in every line of his body, James Potter clearly wanted to be out of the common room and on his way down to the Express quick smart, most likely so he could appease any annoyance on his hopefully soon-to-be fiancée's part. Sirius was well aware that James intended to propose to Lily as soon as he got the chance – he in fact would have proposed much earlier if it hadn't already known that Evans was stringently opposed to settling into something serious while they were still in school. Truth be told, Sirius didn't really understand that, as James and Lily were about as serious as you could get without it being formal right now, but his opinion didn't really count in the matter.
Evans was against getting engaged while still in school, so James intended to propose either on the train or after they'd reached Platform 9 ¾. They wouldn't be in school any longer then, would they? Sirius just hoped that for Prongs's sake, Evans saw it the same way.
"You're kidding, right? Remus won't have forgotten anything. He doesn't know how to miss things."
"Well, he's not here, is he? Just go check, Pads. We'll meet you at the train."
With that, he bumped a second-year out of his way and stepped through the portrait hole. Sirius glared after him and then turned to the stairs, grumbling as he walked up them.
It wasn't that he didn't want to go check on Moony. Remus was his mate after all, and if the bloke didn't hurry up, he'd miss the train. It was just that ever since the Quidditch after-party and the whole thing with Raj three months ago, things had been… strange between them.
Grimacing as that thought made his stomach twist, he made his way towards his dorm – old dorm now – and opened the door. A quick glance around the room didn't show him anything at first, but a second one had him stopping on the leg he could just see poking out from the far corner of James's old bed. Blinking at the weirdly placed limb, he walked further into the room and frowned when he saw Remus sitting on the floor with his back against the end of his own bed, his legs straight out in front of him and his gaze apparently focused on nothing – or maybe just the room at large. Sirius took a step closer, a trickle of concern running through his chest.
"Moony? You all right? The train's leaving soon, we should really go."
Aside from opening his mouth, Remus's unruffled expression didn't change. "I'm fine, Sirius. I'll be down in a minute."
Fine, my arse, Sirius thought, concern growing. Remus's voice was as composed as his face was, and it was that that had the animagus hesitating for a brief second before walking over and flopping himself down next to the werewolf, his legs stretched out beside Remus's, making sure to leave a good half a metre between them. Remus's body tensed a little but he didn't say anything in complaint, for which Sirius found himself ridiculously glad. He was no longer able to tell just how, er, friendly he and Remus were allowed to be nowadays.
That single fact kept him up a lot at night.
"What's the matter?" he asked quietly, staring out at the room and trying his best to ignore the body heat fairly pumping from the boy next to him. His nose twitched a little, images of turning and burying the appendage into Remus's neck playing havoc with his brain. The lad smelt like parchment and ink and soap and woodchips for some reason, and under that, something so acutely Remus that it made Sirius's throat swell.
Merlin, he hated this. He hated being at odds with one of his best mates, and what made it worse was that they weren't at odds; not really. They were fine, they were friends, but there was that undercurrent that Sirius despised, that never really went away-
"Nothing's the matter."
"Right," Sirius drawled, pushing aside the silly distress. He and Remus were fine. "'Cause that's why you're sitting up here by yourself instead of heading to the train and freedom. We're almost out of here, Moony! Why are you… oh."
A ghost of a smile tilted Remus's lips. "Figured it out, did you?"
"Yes, well, no one ever said I wasn't daft," the animagus commented absently, eyes now on Remus, brows pulled down over them. His forehead furrowed further as he tried to figure out what to say next. "Remus… ah… you knew you would be leaving eventually."
He cringed as soon as the words left his mouth. For fuck's sake, Black, that's what you come up with? Way to make him feel better, you moron!
A laugh broke him from his thoughts, and Sirius blinked in confusion. Remus had drawn his legs up and his elbows were now resting on his knees, his fingertips rubbing circles in his temple. Sirius's fingers itched to knock Remus's aside. He quickly sat on them.
"Of course I did, Padfoot, I just didn't realize… fuck it."
"I get it," Sirius muttered, suddenly finding the wall above Remus's head extraordinarily interesting. And he did. Before he'd moved in with the Potters, Hogwarts had been the only home he'd ever known. The house he'd grown up in had never been a home. 12 Grimmauld Place wasn't even a house, really; it was a House, capital H, more than anything else, and it was one that Sirius never wanted to set foot in again. He sighed and looked back at Remus, swallowing hard as a thought somewhat belatedly occurred to him. "Do you… er, do you want me to go get Ada?"
For the first time since Sirius had walked into the room, Remus turned his head and looked at him. He didn't same anything for what seemed like a very long time, just silently held his gaze, and as the animagus couldn't read anything in those soft green eyes, agitation began to burrow in his chest. Was that the wrong thing to suggest? Ada was Remus's girlfriend after all. Had been for three months, ever since…
Ever since.
Sirius really didn't like Ada Patil.
"No, Sirius, I don't want you to do that. We broke up."
"What? When?" Sirius blurted, eyes wide with shock. Hope soared foolishly through him and then was snuffed out of existence, leaving a cold, empty feeling behind it, all in the space of a heartbeat. Just because Remus and the bint were no longer together, didn't mean Sirius had any chance whatsoever.
It hadn't even been that long since Sirius had realized he'd wanted a chance. Knowing he fancied Remus was one thing, acknowledging that he desperately wanted to act on those feelings was something entirely different. His jealously had still been prominent when he'd seen Remus and Ada together; hot and horrible and all but suffocating, but it was as he lay behind his curtains at night that he pieced together why the jealously was so striking. Had always been so bloody striking, even when he'd gotten the wrong impression.
It was the little things. Them holding hands. The way she looked at him. The title they had for each other: boyfriend and girlfriend. The utter right Ada had to sit down next to Remus and sink into his side.
Sirius wanted that. By Merlin, did he ever fucking want that. He wanted to be able to call Remus his; but he couldn't. He'd realized far, far too late and Remus had moved on.
If they'd ever actually been anything to move on from in the first place.
No, it didn't matter that Remus was single now. Because Sirius had ruined it, hadn't he? He'd fucked it up good and proper. Therefore, Remus was his friend, nothing more. And since he was lucky to even have that, Sirius was trying to be happy with just friendship.
Trying.
"Last week," Remus answered, startling the animagus from his reverie. Last week? What the fuck…?
"Why didn't you tell me?"
The werewolf shrugged and looked away. "I didn't feel like talking about it."
"Oh. Okay. Umm… shit. I'm sorry, Moony."
The shoulders next to him lifted again and another laugh escaped, this one sounding a little mordant. "Nothing to be sorry about. Should've really been expecting it."
"Why?" Sirius asked quietly, curious despite himself. Ada had been the dumper? He didn't understand that. Remus muscles seemed to lock down at the question and then he was suddenly on his feet.
"It doesn't matter. Let's go, yeah? Don't want to miss the train."
The panic surged out of nowhere. "What? No! Remus, talk to me! Please!" Sirius fumbled to his feet in an almost gawky tangle of limbs, then paced over towards a startled, frozen Remus and paced back again, unable to keep still. Scrubbing at his face, he turned and began to talk, the words tripping over themselves in their haste to get out.
"Look. Look. I know there's something off between us, and I know that that's somehow my fault, but please don't widen the gap any further. I'm an idiot, a daft pillock, a right and utter bastard, I know I'm all that, and I know I haven't been the best mate in the world this year, and I'm sorry, I'm really so sorry for that. But I've got my head on straight again. I have. I just, I need you to meet me halfway. You really don't want to talk about it, that's fine, but don't not talk to me about it because I'm an idiot. You're my best mate, Moony. Please. I need… I need my friend back. Please."
Remus's expression swung through a whole variety of emotions so quickly Sirius couldn't fathom them out in time. The only one he could identify was the almost morose look in his eyes at the end before his face settled into neutral lines.
"Right. Friends," he muttered, sighing and taking a seat on the end of James's bed. His lips pressed together and he looked up, wariness swimming in his gaze. "You being a pillock isn't the reason I don't want to talk about it with you, Sirius. It's, er, sort of private and it isn't something I've admitted out loud to anyone before. It's a little daunting, to tell the truth."
"What is it?" Sirius frowned, lowering himself onto the end of his own bed opposite Remus. "Whatever it is, Moony, you can tell me."
Remus nodded and then took a deep breath, eyes closing briefly. "Umm. Okay. So the reason why Ada broke it off is… I, ah, I couldn't actually bring myself to move past first base."
Sirius blinked. "Oh. She… she wanted to shag?"
"No!" Remus answered hurriedly, laughing a little before groaning and rubbing his eyes with his thumb and pointer finger. "No. She didn't… not that far. But she did, erm, want to be a little less… chaste. And I couldn't- I couldn't."
"Oh," Sirius repeated, a little confused and more than a little uncomfortable. His knee jumped, heel tapping the floor over and over. "You didn't want to?"
"Not… not with her. Not with any girl."
A dark flush crept up Sirius's neck. Fuck. Oh, fuck. Sweet Merlin. "You're not attracted to girls?"
"No, Padfoot. I'm not," Remus answered, looking directly into Sirius's eyes. Almost as if he was challenging him. Sirius swallowed.
"Then why did you go out with her?" he squeaked. His heart was beating so very fast. He knew the answer he wanted, but he also knew that that answer was probably the last he was going to get. He'd fucked up after all.
Remus grimaced and sighed again, dropping his eyes. "I guess maybe because I wanted to be normal? For once in my life. And I thought- I was upset about… something and I thought that a little retaliation was called for, and maybe it would also help confirm my ho- suspicions. Because he was so blatant. But it didn't. Nothing happened. He backed away." He muttered that last part almost to himself and then folded his lips and shook his head, glanced up, then quickly went back to contemplating the floor. "So I tried to force it with Ada, but she could tell me heart and, er, other things weren't in it, and last week she'd had enough. She broke it off."
"You used her," Sirius mumbled, mind whirling, before wincing and smacking his forehead when Remus's head shot up, a scowl on his face. "Shit, sorry, I didn't mean it like that-"
"No, it's all right, I did, didn't I?" the werewolf sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. "It was best for both of us to break up. This way she can actually find someone who wants her and I can- what are you doing?"
Sirius's mind spun, his legs straightening and lifting him off the bed, moving him slowly towards Remus as his brain returned again and again to the werewolf muttering about he being blatant, about he backing off, and needing to retaliate. About being upset. Sirius had been blatant. Even if he hadn't realized how blatant he'd been, everyone else had, and Remus had been upset. About Raj. He hadn't imagined the look on his face. Then Sirius had effectively 'backed off' when it had been shoved in his face that he fancied Remus and he didn't know what to think about that, and then when he had, he'd thought he'd ruined it and had resigned himself to only being Remus's friend. Because Remus had a girlfriend. But now he didn't and he only had the girlfriend in the first place because he'd wanted retaliation… he moved closer still, grey eyes snapping down and locking on green.
"Sirius, what are you doing?"
The animagus swallowed. "Hoping like fuck I'm not making another mistake," he croaked. Then, bolstered by the highness of Remus's voice and the redness of his cheeks, he took a final step, ducked his head and pressed his lips to Remus's.
The kiss was brief, but it was significant. Remus gasped in surprise, his mouth opening under Sirius's, and it took everything Sirius had not to take advantage of that as an undeniable craving sprang to life in his breast. He angled his head and slanted his lips over the soft, sweet, hot mouth under his, lapping his tongue along the skin and feeling Remus shudder in response, but he didn't take it into snogging territory.
If he was going to do this right, he was going to do this right. He'd fucked up far too much already.
Groaning a little and lifting his hand to cup the side of Remus's neck, he dragged his mouth across Remus's and nibbled at the bottom lip, a sound of satisfaction rumbling in his chest before drawing back half an inch and staring into decidedly blurred eyes. Sirius cursed under his breath at the way the werewolf was looking at him, his hand tightening. Remus's eyes flashed and he leant forward… and Sirius hurriedly took a large step back.
Remus's mouth dropped open. "What…?"
"Don't. Just don't look at me like that, okay?" the animagus groaned, falling back onto the opposite bed, head down, his hands clenched to fists on his knees. "Not yet. We need to talk and… fuck. Why the hell did you have to taste so bloody good?"
There was startled silence from the bed across from him. Then, Sirius's head lifted in disbelief when a burst of laughter cut through the room. Remus was literally snorting behind his hand, shoulders shaking with his amusement.
"Why are you laughing?" the dark-haired wizard asked, unable to help the bolt of hurt tightening his chest. Remus shook his head, his giggles gradually subsiding.
"Sorry, sorry, it's just… Merlin, you're so bloody confusing, you know? I think you're interested; hell, you do things that pretty much guarantee you're interested, then you go cold on me, and now you're blowing hot again? It's exhausting trying to keep up with you, Sirius. I thought you just wanted to be friends?"
"Only because I thought I'd destroyed any chance I had," Sirius replied in a soft voice. He sighed and leant back, running a hand through his hair. "Moony, look, I said it before, didn't I? I'm a right bastard. I didn't even realize I fancied you until I was smacked over the head with it, and by then I'd done some childish, reprehensible things in my stupidity. When you walked in on me and Raj… that was inexcusable. Not just to you, but to Raj as well. I didn't even have the excuse of being drunk. I'm so sorry. I can't begin to explain how sorry I am for the way I've treated you, for the way I've acted. For my senseless, irrational jealously, and for not even realizing that's what it was. For mucking you around so much. But if… but if you gave me another chance, I could try my best to make it up to you. I will make it up to you. That I can promise."
Remus stared, uncertainty lighting his eyes. "You don't need to ask for a chance to be my friend, Padfoot. You'll always be my friend, no matter what."
"While I'm fucking glad to hear that, Moony, it wasn't friendship I was asking for," Sirius retorted immediately, fingers drumming against his thighs. His gut wouldn't stay where it belonged. It seemed like it was trying everything it could to surge up his throat and escape through his mouth.
"What are you asking for then?"
The animagus groaned and got up, once again unable to keep still. "For Merlin's sake, man, are you being deliberately obtuse?"
"No more obtuse than you've been for the past year. Two years, actually, considering that's when I started fancying you."
"Two years? Really? You started in sixth- no, that's not important at the moment, stop distracting me!" Sirius growled. He turned and glared when he saw the small grin on Remus's face. "That's right; laugh it up, never mind that my heart's on my fucking sleeve here!"
The grin died instantly. "Your heart?"
"Bloody hell, I don't know," the dark-haired wizard sighed. He walked over and sat down beside Remus, angling his body towards the once again uncertain werewolf. "But that's kind of what I want to figure out. If you'd give me the chance. Please, Moony. Just one more. I won't fuck it up."
"Don't make promises you can't keep," Remus muttered and Sirius grimaced. Shite, what a mess. "But I can't really talk, can I?" the sandy-blond continued conversationally, bringing Sirius's head up. "I basically did the same thing with Ada that you did with Raj. I even had a proper relationship with her. And I never told you how I felt. So we're both at fault when you think about it."
Hope bloomed, immense and painful. "Does that… does that mean you'll give me a go?"
Remus bit his lip. "What about the werewolf thing?" he whispered, eyes suddenly on his hands. Sirius blinked. The blinked again.
"You're kidding me," he deadpanned, growling softly when Remus's head didn't rise. "For fuck's sake, Moony, I've been your friend for seven years! I became an illegal animagus to keep you company during the full! Why the hell would you think that would change just because I now want to press you under me and snog you until you can't remember your name?"
A blush rose fiercely in Remus's cheeks. Sirius held his breath and dipped his head to catch those gorgeous eyes, a jittery half-smile appearing when the werewolf lifted his head. "So…?"
"Umm. O-okay. Yeah."
The smile hurt, it was so wide. "Yeah?"
Remus nodded, smiling slowly back at him. "Yeah."
The empty dorm rang with Sirius's whoop of joy as he threw himself at the other wizard and eagerly smashed his lips against Remus's laughing mouth, the werewolf's amusement fading as the simple kiss of triumph rapidly transformed into a heated snogging session. Groaning sighs and frantic hands turned the air in the room stifling, and Sirius was just fumbling with the last button of Remus's shirt, low oaths falling from his lips, when a whistle echoed in the distance.
"Shit! Sirius, the train!"
"H-huh?"
"The train, Sirius, we're going to miss the Express! Come on, get up, let's go!"
"Erm… right. The train," Sirius mumbled, blood still considerably too far south to allow him swift comprehension. He blinked a couple of times and watched Remus throw himself off the bed and frenziedly do up his buttons in idle fascination. The werewolf glowered when he turned to see Sirius still lying complaisant on the bed.
"For shite's sake, Padfoot, get up! The Hogwarts Express's probably leaving the station as we speak! We're going to miss it, and then we'll be stuck here!"
"Stuck here? We can't be stuck anywhere… bloody fucking Merlin, Moony, the train!"
"Now he gets it," Remus grumbled, already on his way to the door. Sirius streaked after him, pulling his rucked-up t-shirt back into place as he ran, and then the two wizards were sprinting through the deserted school and out across the grounds. They burst out through the gates and Sirius grabbed Remus's arm in preparation for apparition.
"So, you ever going to tell me what that weird shagability is that you mentioned months ago?" the werewolf asked breathlessly. Sirius frowned at him.
"You remember that?"
"'Course I do. It's not every day you get accused of having a superpower, especially one that's obviously made up."
"It's not made up!" Sirius cried indignantly. "I hate that thing!"
"All right then, so what is it?"
"Never you mind," the animagus replied in a petulant mutter. If Remus didn't already know the details of his superpower, Sirius wasn't going to enlighten him.
"Oi!" Remus protested with a scowl, taking hold of Sirius's other arm. "It's my shagability, I should know about it! Why won't you tell me? It's not like I'll ever use it, but I should at least know-"
"Shut up, Remus," Sirius interjected abruptly before darting forward and dropping a hard, swift kiss on the werewolf's pouting mouth. He then turned on the spot and the two wizards disappeared with a sharp crack.
They made it onto the train with less than half a minute to spare.
A/N - There you have it, my lovely readers. The end. Thank you everyone so much for reading, following, favouriting and reviewing. It means so much to me to know my stories are liked and appreciated! Now, hows about you continue the trend and one last time (for this story anyway) let me know what you think? Yes? Good. ;)
