WARNING! self-harm
I don't even know anymore. I was feeling down and started writing. This started out as one thing and it just went where it wanted to...I don't even know..
Basically, Aomine is caring for Kuroko after a trauma and whenever Kuroko is triggered he turns to self-harm. This is one of those times.
Also, for some reason, ff doesn't seem to want to let me start new stories. If it does, I will likely move this to it's own thing. But as of right now, after choosing the category, all I get is a blank page so...
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He wanted to. He wanted to break open his skin. He wanted to watch the crimson creep out from between the cracks and color his arm. He wanted to paint the floor a vibrant red. He wanted to feel that all too familiar sting and the rhythmic thud of his pulse quickening. He wanted to relish in the coolness of the metal severing his skin again and again and again. He wanted to savor the relief brought by such a simple act as cutting his own skin.
And the blade was right there. It was where he always kept it. Unlike people or animals, it didn't leave. It didn't betray him. It was there when he needed it, no matter the time or reason. It never left him to battle the demons alone in the darkest hours of the night. It never turned it's back on him or asked him to conceal his pain behind a dreadful mask. It only asked for crimson blood in return for freedom; in return for relief. That hardly seemed too high a price. And paying was not troublesome.
He wanted to pay.
He wanted to give himself to his steel friend. He wanted to be one. He wanted to feel its touch.
And it was begging. He could practically hear it calling out to him. Just once. Maybe a few more times. It was what he wanted. It would make him feel better. It would end this suffering. It would end this feeling of suffocating; of being crushed beneath a dire weight. Perhaps it was only temporary, but even a moment of freedom was something.
Reaching into his pocket, Kuroko's index finger brushed against the dull edge of the blade as though needing assurance it was truly there. It hadn't left. Of course it hadn't left. It was dependable after all. Perhaps the only thing in this universe that could be described with such a word.
The corner of Kuroko's lips curved upward forming the slightest of smiles.
He wrapped his fingers around the blade carrassing it gently as he pulled it from his pocket. Light from the wall scones adoring the bathroom walls bounced off the stainless surface but Kuroko didn't see. His eyes were closed.
His expression was peaceful as he held the blade. He was so close to freedom now. All that was left was to place the metal against his skin, press down, and pull. Then there would be relief.
He opened his eyes. His gaze rested on his arms littered with scabs and old scars. There wasn't an untouched spot. Perhaps he had been doing this too long. Perhaps he had a problem. Perhaps…. But it didn't matter.
He found a relatively clear spot. There were no recent scars or scabs so it would do. Taking a deep breath, he gripped the razor between his thumb and index finger and placed the sharp edge against his skin.
He pressed down.
He pulled across.
His breath hitched.
His lifted the razor away and stared at his arm. Slowly but surely, red blood seeped out of the wound. The relief was almost instant but not enough. He needed more.
Pressing the blade against the same spot, he pulled across again deepening the cut. A stronger sting, but not enough. More. He needed more.
He pressed it down again. He pulled across again. He watched the blood seep out again. It was flowing faster now. He felt as though he had just stepped outside after being cooped up in a stuff room for weeks. He felt as though he could breathe. The weight that threatened to crush him was easing away.
And the blood, it was beautiful. Mesmirizing.
He could stop now, but he wanted more.
There was a tiny voice in the back of his head telling him to stop. He should probably listen, but he didn't. He pressed the blade against uncut skin and started a new line.
The blood was dripping onto the bathroom tiles now, splattering as it hit and decorating his pant leg. He didn't care. He deepened the second line.
This was relief. This was freedom.
"Tetsu!" Aomine's voice rang through the apartment.
At the sound of his name being called out, Kuroko's grip on the blade instinctively loosened leaving it to fall to the floor. Entire body frozen, he stared wide eyed at his bloody arm until he heard his name again, this time sounding strained and fearful.
When he looked up, Aomine was standing in the door way, eyes wide as saucers.
From Aomine's pov
Not again. He had only been gone for a short while. Everything was fine when he left. But everything was always fine… until it wasn't. Aomine's entire body shook and it seemed as though his feet were glued to their spot but he forced them forward.
"Tetsu." Aomine whispered as he crouched down in front of the smaller man. Not caring if he got blood on his clothes, Aomine pulled Kuroko into a tight embrace. "I told you I would be right back, Tetsu."
Kuroko was silent, his body refusing to melt into the embrace. His gaze was at the wall but Aomine knew Kuroko wasn't actually seeing anything right now.
Adjusting his arms a bit, Aomine lifted Kuroko off the floor and on to the counter thankful he was so light. "I gotta get you cleaned up, k?"
There was no response again, but Aomine didn't expect one. He pulled away and turned on the sink water. With a sigh, he took a cloth and began cleaning Kuroko's wounds careful to not disturb the scabs from the last incident that still adorned his arms.
So many scars and now there would be two more. He shouldn't have left or waited until morning when leaving wouldn't be so triggering. Yet he knew there was no point in blaming himself for this. He'd made that mistake too often in the beginning.
If only he could get Kuroko proper help…
Another sigh. Aomine set aside the blood soaked cloth an wrapped Kuroko's arm in gauze with practiced movements. This was what he could do. And as long as the cuts didn't go too deep, this was enough for now.
He placed a quick kiss on Kuroko's lips before pulling him into another embrace. This time, he felt Kuroko's body relax, the tension fleeing.
"Daiki…" Kuroko's voice was muffled by Aomine's shirt.
"It's okay Tetsu." Aomine ran his fingers through Kuroko's hair as Kuroko's body began to shake with silent sobs. This was all he could do.
"I thought you left me." Kuroko mumbled.
"I'd never leave you, Tetsu. I went to buy us some food, just like I said."
"I thought you were lying. I thought you weren't coming back."
"I know. It's okay."
"I'm sorry."
"I know." Aomine pulled away again giving Kuroko's forhead a kiss as he did so. "I bought ice cream," he smiled, "want some?"
Kuroko sniffed and wiped his eyes. "What about dinner?"
Aomine giggled. "We can have that if you want, but I thought ice cream sounded better."
"It does."
"Then let's eat some ice cream."
After helping Kuroko down from the counter, Aomine leaned over and pressed his lips against Kuroko's. "I love you, Tetsuya."
"I love you too."
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Comments appreciated!
