Disclaimer: I do not in any way own Phantom of the Opera.

A short story:

The door opened loudly, with a long creak. (Insert Name Here) the phangirl/anti-phan/axe-murderer sighed and threw her things down onto her bed. Mumbling tiredly about homework/job/Kidz Bop, she glanced lazily over at the computer on her desk. Shrugging, she pulled out her chair and wiggled the mouse, bringing the machine back to life.

She pulled the internet up and her homepage was myspace/fanfic/cheese. After a minute's hesitation, she went to her email. One message. Ugh. But at least it was a Fanfic update instead of spam.

New chapter? Okay. By whom?

BlackTippedRose?

Huh. That's really odd. (Insert Name Here) leaned back in her chair and blinked slowly. Huh. Her friend/fanfic source/phic senses had told her that BTR had stopped writing/been chased off by wankers/died. Oh well. She had been good for a(n) smile/giggle/incident where milk flew out your nose. What story had she been writing?

Oh yes, the stairwell one. Well, might as well.

0o0o0o0o0

"So…how did we get here again?"

"You called The Devil's shoes tacky, Raoul."

"But they were last month's Gucci!"

"…Have you come out of the closet yet?"

Raoul and Howie were teetering on the edge of Box Five. Raoul looked very unhappy, because, due to the fact he was hanging upside-down, his luscious fabity fab fab hair was getting messed up. Howie was simply twitching, due to his germaphobia. He was basically Monk hairless.

Why were those two tied to a pole and having their only tie to life a small piece of shoelace that was currently being gnawed off by an angry caffeinated gerbil?

Because Hannah Montana had used her sinful influences over every young girl in this nation to make them all buy a copy of The Phantom of the Opera (2004 remake), and she blended them all together in a SOOPAH disc, which was so magicaltastical that you could actually walk into the television and you would transport through time.

(Insert Dr. Who theme here.)

Well, anyway, she was traveling around through time. Lalala, she sang her "I'm totally not perfect" song in her horribly fake accent because people in Tennessee really don't talk like that, and was floating happily along when she was suddenly smacked by a baby eagle named Steve, and she was turned into a yak.

So, Yakkah Montana, half demon, half furry cow-like creature, landed in the time zone she wanted. In the lair of the phantom, no less. This had been a few hours earlier, because Erik was still down here and not tricked via floating Christine to come into a stairwell.

Erik, who, as everyone knows, is scarred on his face, took one look at the yak-ish she demon, and started screaming very-bloody-and-partly-icky-bad-Stephen King-movie-adaption-Cujo-like-murder, and, while continuing screaming, stood up, rushed over, and pushed Hannah in the lake water, in which the Whirlpool God took her as a sacrifice. Erik ran up through his secret passages, still shrieking like a little girl.

As soon as he left, WG spit out the "girl" (he waited for the Phantom to leave so he would still seem all mighty), and the lake started screaming, and it picked itself up in all its filth, and evaporated.

For all who care to know, the Phantom's Lake is now the New York Harbor.

Which explains why people keep finding candles down there.

Lots and lots of candles.

So, Hannah Satanna, now soaking wet and smelling of damp yak, stormed off. She somehow managed to find her way above the surface, where she met Raoul who was with Howie (it had taken her several hours to find her way out), who ignored the fact she was sprouting black hair and had horns, but instead looked directly at her feet, and told her that last month's Gucci was incredibly tacky, and it did not match her shirt.

Which was currently yak hair.

So Hannah enlisted the help of Bond 4, one of the seven Bond STDs which had mutated and become an entirely new substance. The only reason Bond 4 was special was because he had managed to escape his pod, and if he makes his way to the water system, we're all doomed.

Also, just for a fun fact, Bond had 3 STDs only known to sharks.

So Bond 4 and Hannah Yakanna attacked the twitchy bald man and the "straight" man-woman, and tied them to a pole with the aid of many dramatic sound effects. Then they hooked them up to Box Five and left them there to dangle.

So, there was Howie and Raoul, hanging peacefully. Someone would have to help them eventually, right? I mean, who WOULDN'T notice two people tied to a pole?

Apparently everyone, because they stayed there 10 minutes longer, in which the angry caffeinated gerbil chewed through the shoelace, and both of the "men" began to plummet to the ground. Both of them, instead of screaming, simply took on this facial expression:

O.O;;

And just as they were about to crash and burn, our Cameraman Joey Gladdstone got ADD and decided to switch back to the stairwell bunch.

Fandre had been put in a cage made of burning candles, due to the fact they seemed to have developed a song fetish, and had been harassing Christine. In fact, everyone had developed a song fetish and started harassing Christine, but only Fandre got put in a cage, because no one likes them. The amazing part was they had managed to have Xtine react, so that's why they hadn't been buried by burning candles. Here, just watch.

5 minutes earlier.

"HEY CHRISTINE!" Andre yelled gleefully, skipping towards her. No one seemed to notice the fact that one eye kept twitching. "Can I buy U a Drank?"

"SHAWTY WHATCHYO THINK 'BOUT THAT?" Firmin added loudly, feeling he needed to something. Christine didn't move.

Erik, who had been unusually quiet, decided it was his turn to speak to Christine. His words were, of course, heart-felt.

"Why does your pride make you run and hide? Are you that afraid of me?"

Except he was accidentally very high off his own candles, so he ended up saying these things to Madame Giry instead.

Madame Giry didn't take this lightly, as expected.

"I'm not here for your entertainment! You don't really wanna mess with me tonight."

"SHE AIN'T NO HOLLABACK GIRL!" Andre shouted helpfully.

Meg, who was hoping to change the subject, started making small talk with Erik over where they were going after they got out of the stairwell.

"I'm going home, to the place where I belong." He turned towards who he thought was Christine. "Where your love has always been enough for me!"

Except this time, due to his current "state", he actually said these words to Carlotta. Carlotta looked ready to kill. Meg cut in quickly.

"I think I'll go to Boston."

Luckily, no one was paying attention, so no one noticed her mention a city that hadn't been founded yet. Carlotta turned away and began scribbling in her diary, which she also kept tucked in her hair.

Dear Diary, she wrote.

Mood: Apathetic.

My life is spiraling downwards. I couldn't get enough money to go to the Blood Red Romance and Suffocate Me Dry concert. That sucks, 'cause they play some of my favorite songs. Like 'Stab my Heart Because I Love You,' and 'Rip Apart my Soul,' and of course 'Stabbity Rip Stab, Stab.'

And it doesn't help that I couldn't get my hair to do that flippy thing either like that guy from that band can do.

Somedays...

Carlotta looked down at her words, nodded once, and then tucked her little diary back into her hair. She then flipped it, but it still didn't do that thing the band member could do.

Andre, desperate to say something else, looked towards Christine. "I could be your girlfriend," he repeated.

"OKAY!" Christine exclaimed happily, speaking for the first time in three chapters.

Everyone was shocked. Was it because she spoke? Was it because she wanted Andre as a girlfriend? No one really knew. But everyone was very startled.

Mme. Giry walked over and knocked out Andre with her stick, and then Firmin for good measure.

So now Andre and Firmin were in the Cage of Fire Hazards, sitting quietly and mumbling the lyrics to 'Before He Cheats' under their breath. Both of them were twitching now.

Actually, Andre was speaking Carrie Underwoodiese, and Firmin was murmuring the theme song to 'Psych'.

Ahh. The plot thickens. What questions shall be answered next chapter? Will it be why Christine only responded to Andre? Why does Fandre always seem to become high? How long with Hannah remain yak-like? WHY ON EARTH DID THIS AUTHORESS COME BACK!?

The world may never know.

Or it might.

You never know.

(Insert dramatic music here)

0o0o0o0

A/N: In the words of the great P!nk, "I'M NOT DEAD!"

Sorry about the whole "stopped writing" thing. I only used to write to avoid homework, and then summer came…no homework.

But I'm back now. And with the help of Scrubs, Psych, and the Georgia Nicholson books, I should be more hilarious than ever!

Everyone that actually remembers me and reviews gets a gold star.