(Balcony. Statler turns to Waldorf.)
STATLER: You know this show's kinda bringing back those ol' memories.
WALDORF: Yeah, back when Broadway meant something!
(They laugh.)
STATLER: Yeah well, might as well raise a glass to the better days…
(They laugh again; both suddenly have mugs of beer. "To Life" from Fiddler on the Roof starts to play.)
BOTH:
"To life, to life, L'chaim
L'chaim, l'chaim to life!
WALDORF:
"Life has a way of confusing us,"
STATLER:
"Blessing and bruising us!"
BOTH:
"Drink, l'chaim, to life!
God would like us to be joyful even when our hearts lie panting on the floor…"
STATLER:
"How much more can be joyful when there's really something to be joyful for?"
WALDORF: You tell me!
(Both laugh. They sing)
BOTH:
"To life, to life, l'chaim!
L'chaim, l'chaim to life!
And if our good fortune never comes, here's to whatever comes…
Drink…L'chaim…to liiiiifffe!"
TO LIFE! (They swing the beer mugs, and the beer comes flying out. They laugh)
(Applause.)
...
(Backstage. Whatnots in 80's rock-star type clothes on are all talking together.)
(Shana appears at the stairs, dressed in 80's garb; think Madonna with the big bow in her hair and nothing but leather. She sees the Whatnots and is eager to join them.)
(She descends the stairs and approaches the Whatnots.)
SHANA: What's up, "rock and rollers"?!
(She gives her best metal horns. Whatnots all just stare at her.)
SHANA: What? Do I have something in my…?
WHATNOT #1: (interrupting) Aren't you the gofer's girl?
SHANA: His assistant, actually. But, hey, isn't the song gonna be great?
WHATNOT #1: (like a snob) Who said you were doing the number?
(Shana is struck hard by her tone. Her face is obviously hurt.)
SHANA: Well, I just assumed if Scooter gets to do stuff in the show, why not me?
WHATNOT #2: Look sweetheart, we already got enough pests who worm their way into the shows every night. The last thing we want is another one!
(Another harsh blow as the Whatnots all laugh. Shana is crushed and tries to fight away tears. She runs back up the stairs and slams the door of the dressing room.)
(As they finish their laugh, Kermit enters from the wings.)
KERMIT: Oh good, Rock of Ages is all set. You'll be on after the Oklahoma number!
(Whatnots all retaliate with murmurs of "Got it!" "Right, sir!" & "Okay!" They exit.)
(Scooter runs in from the wings.)
SCOOTER: Uh, excuse me, chief!
KERMIT: What's going on, Scooter? Shouldn't you be observing the number right now?
SCOOTER: That's just it: we don't have a number right now!
(Kermit panics.) KERMIT: What?! We need a song out on stage!
(Gonzo enters, dressed as Hedwig from Hedwig and the Angry Inch)
GONZO: Leave it to me! Come on girls! (He runs onstage, chickens flocking behind him dressed in punk rock costumes.)
KERMIT: What?! No! NO! (He is about to run after him, but Scooter holds him back.)
SCOOTER: Woah, uh, boss I hate to say this but you should let Gonzo go on.
KERMIT: What? How can you say that? Haven't you heard me…?
SCOOTER: Yes I have. We may be pushing a limit here, but Hedwig was one of the most popular shows when it was on Broadway. And if that song from RENT wasn't going over boundaries, I don't know what is!
(Kermit stops struggling against Scooter and sighs.)
KERMIT: Fine. Standby with the curtain.
(He goes out on stage.)
KERMIT: Okay folks. Time for a little trip down memory lane for us Muppets, but in a whole new modern rock and roll light! So ladies and gentlemen…whether you like it or not…Hedwig!
(Applause. Curtain rises on an old junked out car, surrounded by a chicken rock band, with guitars, drums, the whole nine yards. Intro to the song "Angry Inch".)
(Gonzo is standing dead center on the hood of the car. He takes a flying leap off and onto the stage.)
GONZO: Yeah!
"My sex change operation got botched! My guardian angel fell asleep on the watch,
Now all I got is a Barbie doll crotch! I got an angry inch!"
(He flails his wig with a head bang.)
"Six inches forward, five inches back! I got a, I got an angry inch!
I'm from the land where you still here the cries," CHICKENS: "Oooo-ooo-oooooh!"
GONZO: "I had had to get out had to sever all ties..." CHICKENS: "Oooo-ooo-oooooh!"
GONZO: "I changed my name and assumed a disguise! I got an angry inch!"
(He really cuts loose, and starts dancing all over the stage, kicking things and causing sudden explosions.)
GONZO:
"Six inches forward, five inches back! I got a, I got an angry inch!
Six inches forward, five inches back! I got a, I got an angry inch!
Six inches forward, five inches back! The train is coming and I'm tied to the track!" CHICKENS: "Oooo-ooo-ooooh!"
(Gonzo climbs to the top of an unstable metal structure behind the car.)
GONZO:
"I try to get up but I can't get no slack! I got an angry inch, angry inch!"
CHICKENS: "Oooooooh!"
(With a loud yell, Gonzo jumps from the structure and lands back on the hood of the car, but loses his footing, slipping off. Another random explosion.)
(Applause as the chickens all crowd around to where Gonzo has landed. He lifts his head slightly with pain and the weight of the wig.)
GONZO: Rock and roll...! (He faints.)
