Listen to the black Raven sing
Dick Grayson.
The first step.
When I was young and innocent, I used to wonder about my death. Would it be meaningful or barely disturb the world? Or perhaps I'd fall like my parents did; I almost expected to go that way. It wouldn't have been surprising, I was Robin after all. Maybe they would cry for me.
I never once thought the Joker would get to me with a crowbar and a bomb. I had always known the Joker was malicious and twisted but the glee in his eyes as my bones broke and my organs ruptured, frightened me the most. And then he had the nerve to offer me my life only to trick me one last time. There was a moment during the explosion that I could still feel my body and the pain. Then the world went red and black.
I don't know if Batman came for me. I hope he tried to save me.
But thank God it wasn't Jason the Joker got.
I came back. Someone brought me screaming and crying across the void and spat me back out into the world. He called me Apprentice. I was supposed to call him Master. But I couldn't do it. He wanted an assassin, a murderer but I wouldn't turn my back on Batman's teachings even if he wasn't looking for me. So he tore me apart, turned me inside out and stitched me back together every time I disobeyed. He trained me in his murderous arts and I used them on him. I would have ripped him into tiny, bloody pieces if he hadn't overpowered me. He caught me and almost mutilated me but then he seemed to see me. See that I didn't care about the pain or the blood. I just wanted to go home, to be loved.
So I made a deal with him. And now I've dragged my family into my war. I should leave. But I can't. I need them.
His name was Slade.
...
Batman reached out for me and I flinched, expecting the pain that had followed for the last year. But his hand danced down my spine and tangled in my hair. I wanted to give in and hide in his arms but it wasn't safe here.
"We need to go now." I urged.
I felt Batman nod and he very slowly let go of his grip on me and let me stand up. He leaped to his feet and his hand fluttered toward me again. I wrapped my arms around my waist in comfort and waited for his instructions. I was so confused and so tired.
"C'mon. The car's just down the street." Batman rumbled.
He walked toward the roof edge and looked back to wait for me. He had never waited for me before and a strange warmth pooled in my chest. It took a lot of persuasion for me to move my feet toward him. Batman laced his arm around my waist and shot his grapple out; I felt the jolt when it bit into a building. I should have protested and fought against Batman but his grip got more possessive and it had been so long since someone was gentle with me. I reached up and linked my arms around his neck and pushed my face into his shoulder.
"It's all right." He soothed. "We'll be home soon."
I'm so sorry Bruce. You don't know what I've done. You don't know what I'm going to do.
Batman touched down on the ground and it took everything in me to let go of his suit. I followed in his shadow yet he was never more than a step ahead of me. He kept looking back over his shoulder at me and I wanted to see his eyes. To know what he was thinking.
"Here, Nightwing."
He guided me toward the passenger side and didn't move away until I had sat down and curled up against the seats. Three years and the Bat Mobile hadn't changed. It still smelt the same of leather and Gotham's nights. The memories were undisturbed and precious, some of the ones that had kept me going.
"Just relax." Batman cooed.
I nodded and rolled my eyes toward the window. The city buildings blurred by us and Batman broke every traffic code to get back to the Mansion.
...
I had never expected to see the Mansion again, had believed I'd only ever visit it in my dreams and the fear nearly took my breath away. All the explanations and the anger that was sure to come with my arrival. The lies I would have to weave to keep them safe. Batman eased the car into the cave and the secret door closed with a dull hiss. I stared down at my lap and tried to push away the lingering terror. A hand touched my shoulder gently and when I looked up, I was looking into Bruce's face. His eyes were wet but I had never seen that much happiness in them. There was even a smile playing on the corners of his lips.
"Get out of the car, son. You're home now."
I complied and nearly tripped over my own feet in my haste. Bruce caught me and held me tight.
"Master Bruce?" Alfred called from the entrance. "I thought I heard you come in. Oh, do we have a guest? I'll make a snack."
"Alfred, wait! Come here." Bruce beckoned.
I shook my head against his chest but a palm on my nape calmed my protests. Alfred eased his way toward us, picking his way carefully around the displays and paused at our side. I brought my hand up to cover my face and took a shaky breath.
"Whatever is it, sir?"
Bruce pulled me back and turned me around until I was facing the aging butler but my shoes were easier to look at.
"Look, Alfred. Can't you see him?"
"Not when he's finding his shoes so interesting. But I..." Weathered fingers snaked underneath my chin and gently tilted my face up. Alfred gasped, even through my mask he recognised me. "Oh my."
"Hey Alf." I greeted softly.
"Master Dick?" He breathed.
I nodded and attempted to remember how to smile for him. Tears leaked from his eyes and I reached out a hand to dry them.
"Don't cry. You'll make me start."
I walked into Alfred's embrace and he didn't feel as frail as I had expected him too. He still felt strong like he always had. Three years hadn't taken that from him. His lips touched the crown of my head and lingered a kiss against my hair.
"Thank you. Thank you." He chanted.
I felt suddenly so awful. They had missed me and mourned for me and I could have come back. I could have fought harder to get away. Alfred smelt of tea and baking and love. Everything I had yearned for during my captivity. He stepped back and his eyes still shimmered with tears but he smiled.
"I couldn't have asked for anything better. You have been missed, young sir. Don't do it again."
"I'll try not to but I'm Nightwing now."
"Yes, I had noticed that. Get yourself clean up and I'll have a plate of cookies waiting for you."
"Thank you, Alfie."
He patted my cheek and swiped his knuckles underneath his eyes and hurried away. I reached up to take my mask of but Bruce's fingers caught mine.
"Let me?"
"Okay."
I dropped my hands back to my sides and stared up into his face. Bruce's gentle fingers peeled the fabric away from my skin and I remembered this ritual from my time as Robin. Those nights where Bruce had been afraid for me, he had tenderly discarded the superhero to find the boy. He rubbed the remains of the glue clinging to my cheek away with his thumb.
"There you are." He swept his hand through my fringe. "My boy."
I danced my fingertips across the exposed skin and frowned. Underneath my touch, my face felt different and unprotected. I grabbed the black mask Bruce had set down beside me and clutched it tight to me.
"Dick?"
"I haven't really taken it off. I wasn't safe before."
"Well you are now. Give Nightwing a chance to rest for a little while. I want time with my son right now anyway, not him."
"That's probably a good idea. Nightwing's gonna crash any time soon and I'm not too far behind him."
Bruce chuckled. "I'm not surprised. Let's get you to bed; I think I have some clothes that might fit you. We'll go shopping in the morning."
"Really?"
"Yup. You realise your brothers will want to come as well."
"Cool. Day trip."
I followed Bruce away from the depths of the dark cave and out into the study. I kept expecting something to have changed in my absence but nothing had. The curtains that Jason had always hated hadn't even been replaced. I wandered through the mansion, knowing that I would have tomorrow to remember everything again. There was still time.
"Bruce, is my room still mine?"
"Of course. Though don't be surprised if there's someone sleeping in there. Your brothers seem to have a rota, there's usually one of them in there."
"They missed me that much?"
Bruce paused on the landing and turned around to face me. I looked up at him, aware I had said something wrong but not knowing what.
"We have all missed you, Dickie. You don't know how much. Please don't doubt that."
"I won't. I'm sorry."
"It's all right. Here, these should fit you."
In his hands Bruce held blue pyjama bottoms and a worn grey shirt. I reached for the shirt; on the nights I had missed my parents and been haunted by their deaths I had stolen this shirt from Bruce's drawers.
"Go and change Dick, I'll be there in a moment."
I obeyed him wordlessly and padded down the corridor. No one stirred behind the doors I passed and although I wanted to knock and wake everyone up I couldn't.
My old bedroom door opened soundlessly and I stepped into the past. The walls were still packed with my movies, books and old toys. My laptop sat silent on the desk underneath a mound of papers and homework. I bit my lip and felt like an intruder, I wasn't the boy this room belonged too. With a sigh, I stripped of Nightwing's costume and left it draped over a nearby chair and tugged on the borrowed clothes. I clambered into bed and pulled the blankets up over my head and didn't react when Bruce came and sat on the edge of the bed and sang a lullaby I didn't know.
...
A small pressure on the bed beside me woke me up what felt like moments later. I peered dimly through the darkness until I had to reach out and snap the light on. Damian froze and his eyes widened when he realised he was caught.
"Damian? What are you doing? It's...four in the morning." I whispered.
"I...I know. Can I...you know?"
I stared at him in confusion and felt like a failure. Was this something I used to know before? Something that had been hammered out of me? Damian solved the problem for me and moved my arm away so he could curl up against my side. I cradled his back with my arm and his small fingers latched onto my shirt.
"You're back?" He whispered. "For good?"
"As long as I can be."
"Not good enough. Stay."
I pulled the precious boy onto my chest and let him nuzzle into my neck. He yawned widely against the skin and sighed in contentment.
"I'll try."
"Hmm."
He cuddled deeper into me and his breaths evened out in sleep. I stared up at the ceiling and felt the familiar sting of tears behind my eyes.
"I'm so sorry."
...
Sunlight streamed in through the open curtains and awoke me late in the morning. I moaned and rolled over, burying my head underneath my arm. There was a shuffle on the bed and I looked up directly into Damian's eyes.
"Morning." I greeted.
Damian tutted and didn't look away.
"What's the matter? Cat got your tongue?"
He didn't answer and unease tickled down my back. How different was this Damian to mine? After all, three years was a long time and perhaps he didn't really remember me anymore. Before I could move toward him, Damian leapt of the bed and stalked out the door. Bruce caught the door before it closed and poked his head in.
"There's a change of clothes in the bathroom. Alfred was one step ahead this morning."
"Good. Is Damian okay?"
"We'll talk later, Dick. Change now."
He followed his son and I heard him stamp down the stairs. I crept down the corridor, my eyes fixed on the floor and my hands firmly by my side. Why did it feel so wrong? I was home again and it felt like I didn't belong.
How had Slade ripped this away from me?
I locked the bathroom door behind me and stood in front of the full length mirror. The face looking back at me I almost didn't recognise; I kept forgetting I was older now and pushing twenty. Those two years of lying in a grave meant nothing to me and it was only my...curse that allowed me to age. But rebirth hadn't stripped my body of the scars The Joker left behind. I slipped out of my shirt and dropped it to the floor and forced myself to meet my reflection. The crowbar had left huge pink scars across my chest, puckered and disgusting. I fingered the longest, deepest one that ran from my left nipple to my right hipbone. The marks would never fade; I would always be the Joker's best artwork. His living legacy. But it was the smaller scars across my ribs that sent shudders down my spine and made my heart trip a beat.
Apprentice.
The agony I felt as Slade carved those words into my skin never truly faded. I had called for Bruce, for Jason, for anyone to save me only they never came. And a rather loud part of me hated them for that. I stepped under the shower head and pushed the memories away.
...
I crept uneasily down the large staircase and hovered by the lounge doorway. My entire family had gathered inside in a group tighter than I knew. Jason slouched on the armchair, one leg hanging of the edge with a magazine clasped between his hands. Tim and Damian seemed to be in the middle of a card game, one I could tell would end with a tantrum. Bruce stood silently at the window, his eyes fixed on something in the garden. None of them had noticed me.
"Uh..hi." I croaked.
The change in the room was instant, four pairs of eyes swivelled up to me and pinned me to the spot. There was a mixture of surprise, relief and anger on their faces; Jason's hand tightened on the flimsy magazine page. I finally unstuck my feet and took a small step back. I had made a mistake, agreeing to Bruce's offer and they didn't want me. What if they knew? They were all so bright and if they really looked they could put the pieces together. I took another large step back and collided with a body behind me. Arms locked around my biceps and the familiar smell of tea and bread washed over me.
"Going somewhere, Master Dick?" Alfred inquired pleasantly but I heard the warning behind it. The plead.
Stay please.
"I...I...yes?"
"But you promised you wouldn't!" Damian shrieked. "You promised you wouldn't leave!"
"I know I did."
"Don't break your promises on the first day back, sir." Alfred advised and his grip fell from my arms.
I felt him step back and knew I could escape; Alfred had given me the chance and trusted me not too. The room was silent and waiting for me to act.
"I shouldn't stay." I would repeat myself over and over again until they understood how dangerous I was. "It's not safe near me."
"Ppft! We're Heroes, nothing can hurt us." Jason dismissed casually.
But wasn't I proof that we could die? That we weren't as invulnerable as we thought we were. There was a creak of denim and Tim stood up, his face carefully blank. He slipped his hand into mine the second he was near enough to and smiled at me. Tim hadn't changed, sure I could see muscles starting to form underneath his shirt and his hair was shorter but it was still him. My little brother.
"You look so different but there's no denying it's you. What happened to you?"
I fidgeted and shook my head. "I can't tell you yet. I'm sorry."
"All right, we have time I suppose. I missed you." He confessed. "We'll stop whoever's after you, Dickie. Just stick by your promise; don't leave us."
I snatched him to me and pressed my face into his shoulder, small wiry arms encircled my back.
"Thank you."
Tim laughed and stepped back a small step but Jason marched forward and shoved him out of the way.
"Move Shorty! My turn." He smirked.
I rolled my eyes and looked back at Jason and my stomach twisted slightly. Jason's eyes were dark with the memories, villains and monsters I never wanted him to know. It was the Legacy of Robin; the nightmares the brightly coloured bird brought. Whose was the blood on Red Hood's hands? A fighter like him must have shed a lot, caused a lot to bleed. I had seen Red Hood in action, heard the stories about him.
Why Jason?
Why become no better than the monster that killed me?
But then I looked again, through the shadows and the anger and I found a hurting seventeen year old boy. My best friend.
"Dick?" He questioned.
"Its okay, Jaybird. I'll make it right."
"I've got no idea what you're talking about."
I swept his hair away from his eyes and found a new scar on the side of his head.
"You will."
I will keep you safe. I'll keep my promises to you all...somehow.
