As predicted, the nightmares did not come. The images of mutts and lost children were stilled by images of my day in the forest and Peeta in his rocking chair. How peaceful he had looked, this broken and beaten man. How did he manage to fight off the terror-filled memories so easily? I was suddenly transfixed with a feeling of jealousy. Peeta had found peace and I realized that the quiet solitude he had found was something that I wanted too.
I rose from bed and ran into my bathroom to ready myself for the day. I took a long and steaming shower, running my calloused hands through the water a couple of times. I stepped out, brushed myself with a towel and ran to my closet with Cinna's clothes.
The gorgeous silks, velvet sleeves and masterful sewing sent a shock through my body. As beautiful as they were, I would never want to wear them again, it was too painful. Now, they just stood in the depths of my closet, collecting dust and reminding me of his untimely death. I did not want to look at the gowns but I knew I couldn't bring myself to destroy them either; it would have been a dishonor to Cinna.
"Maybe I could send them to Annie in District 4." I thought, remembering the time I had lent her one of my dresses for her wedding. "She might like that."
I pulled the clothes from their place and sat them on the bed before I changed into my own clothes. I pulled on a light shirt, green pants and my father's hunting jacket before grabbing the dresses and heading out into the hall.
I smiled and quickly ran across the hall. I couldn't wait to tell Greasy Sae of my plan and newfound motivation. I was just about to run down the stairs when I caught sight of a figure standing in the door.
My heart stopped beating and my breath synched when I heard the knock the door. Frightened by the sound, I dropped the gowns on the floor and ran up the stairs and into my room.
They kept knocking and knocking. Who could it be? I never received visitors. Greasy Sae always let herself in and Haymitch never let himself out of his house. The only two alternatives left were Peeta or Peacekeepers and both options terrified me.
I could hear Greasy Sae trudge across my living room to answer the door.
"I'm comin'. I'm comin'." She said.
She opened the door while I skittishly sat in my room listening to the conversation happening below.
"Well hi Peeta! Surprised to see out and about. How are you doin'?" Greasy Sae said excitedly.
"Greasy Sae, I'm alright, thanks." Peeta replied.
"Anything I can do for you?" Greasy Sae asked.
"I was wondering if you had seen Katniss today. I wanted to thank her for the game last night." Peeta said eagerly.
"Sure have. Hey Katniss, come down here! We got company!" Greasy Sae yelled up to me as she retreated back into the kitchen.
I stood suddenly, still terrified and overcome with nerves. I walked slowly out of my room and breathed slowly in and out. Walking passed my dropped dresses and down the steps, I managed to make my way to Peeta who was standing just outside of the house.
He smiled up at me, affection played in his eyes and he stood relaxed, holding a basket of bread at his side.
My breath was back but my nerves were still present. I looked at the ground, avoiding his eyes.
"Hello." I whispered, staring at the wood paneling across the floor.
"Hey Katniss." He said gently. His composure agitated me so I looked up at him with annoyed eyes.
"What do you want?" I said a little too curtly.
"I just wanted to thank you for the game last night. It was very thoughtful." He said kindly.
"Yeah well, it's not that big of a deal." I said. I didn't understand why I felt so defensive, he had not done anything to merit this kind of behavior from me.
When Peeta had been hijacked, I had all but voted him out of my life to protect him and to protect me. I still harbored some icy feelings toward him. His hijacked and cold words and glances he had given to me were fresh in my memory. Yes, I still didn't trust him. The nervous and terrified glances proved that, but I couldn't pull myself away from either. He was desperately trying to repair broken bonds; the least I could do was help him.
We stood there awkwardly. Me, with my arms folded across my chest from agitation and anxiousness and him, just outside of the house, holding a small basket of bread. He looked at the floor, mirroring my behavior. I had disappointed him from my apathetic words and guilt started to rush through me.
"Well," he started, "it was nice anyway. Here is some bread for you and Greasy Sae to share. I hope you like it." Peeta said. His response was almost sad. His head hung low as he handed me the basket, like a child in trouble.
A sobbed clinched at my throat. I wanted to apologize for my brash introduction this morning, promise him more game and thank him for the bread but all could do was nod at the floor.
His eyes caught mine as I raised my head. There was no venom in them, only a look defeat and pain. The look resonated with me; I remembered he wore the same expression when were hiding in Tigress's basement during the war, when he wanted me to shoot him.
He turned from me, preparing to return to his house across the street. I felt him slipping away from me and in desperation for his attention I called his name.
"Peeta wait!" I shouted.
He turned, looking perplexed, waiting for me to continue.
I had a surge of courage, not fully aware of what I was saying.
"Greasy Sae…she's making stew with rabbit tonight and well…if you want you can…I mean-"
I looked down again, my cheeks were red from embarrassment and I ran my hand over the breadbasket nervously. All of the sudden, I saw his hand reach for mine. He gently laid a soft palm on top of my frightened fingers and then pushed a finger under my chin, forcing me to stare at him.
"I would love to." He smiled sweetly.
I sighed. The combination of his soft touch and hushed voice instantly calmed me.
"Okay" I said, slightly smiling at him, silently thanking him for his understanding.
"See you tonight then." He said before releasing my head and hands and retreating down the stairs and across the street.
I watched him walk back before pulling myself back inside. I closed the door and walked through the living room and towards the kitchen, where Greasy Sae was waiting breakfast for me.
I sat silently, staring at the broth and bread that was before me. Thinking of Peeta, my mixed feelings for him. I wanted him to bring me peace but I couldn't shake the fear and pain that he had caused me during the war.
"Well, guess I'll have to get another plate for dinner tonight." Greasy Sae said, breaking me from my thoughts.
I looked at her; she was still wearing that smirk she had given me when Peeta had come to the door. I wanted to rub it off of her face.
"It's not like that." I said defensively. Any hint at a budding relationship with Peeta sent shivers down my spine. The last time someone suspected me of loving him caused me months of anguish and him, months of unending torture.
"I didn't say it was." She rebutted.
"Well, I just thought we should have him over, just once. You know, to welcome him back." I said, a little too sweetly.
"Well, that's unusually thoughtful of you." She said laughingly.
I glared at her, silently begging her to give up her probing about Peeta and I. She must have caught the message because she shifted in her chair and sighed.
"By the way, what were you doin' with all those fancy clothes this mornin'?" She asked, quickly changing the subject.
I gasped and remembered my plan and Annie. I stood from my place at the table, ran to the top of the stairs and grabbed the dresses. I came back downstairs and draped them over the sofa in the living room.
"They are for Annie, Finnick's wife." I said. "I don't think I will want to wear them again so I thought I could send them to her. She loved looking at them when she was here." I explained.
Greasy Sae looked at me proudly. It was the second time that I had shown any sign of getting out of my depression and back to reality. She walked from her place at the table and looked me up and down admiringly before grabbing me in a small hug. We stood there for a while, understanding the weight of the moment. She had waited so long for me to start living again.
"Well," she started, "You best be gettin' them packaged up if you want them to get out on the afternoon train." She said to me, still hugging me.
As I pulled myself from her grasp, I could have sworn I saw a misty tear drop from her eye. I decided not to mention it for fear of embarrassing her.
"Thank you…for everything." I said.
The words were meek but their meaning cascaded upon us. Without Greasy Sae, I would be dead by now, I would never have hunted again, and never seen the forest again and never would have seen a treated Peeta return to District 12. She was another person that I would never be able to repay.
She nodded at me and grabbed the dresses before returning to the kitchen. She pulled a large box from the cupboard, folded the gowns neatly and placed them inside.
"I don't have any binding for the box but I think they sell some in town. You think you can get down there alright?" She said as she handed me the box.
"Yes, I think so. I feel better, I really do. Do you need anything else from town?" I said as I reached for my small coin purse on the fireplace.
"No, I don't think so but why don't you look around for yourself. You know, go into one of them shops where they sell them fancy smellin' stuff?" She said, hinting at something.
I paused and sat the box on the floor.
"You mean perfume?" I asked, annoyed at her suggestion.
"Yeah…perfume." She said as she turned to pick up the breakfast dishes on the table.
I was mad now. She wanted me to get pretty for Peeta.
"First of all," I started, "I smell just fine. Second of all, having Peeta for dinner does not imply that we are romantically involved. That stopped the minute he came back from the capitol in 13." I yelled at her.
"I didn't say nothin' about Peeta! I just thought you might like somethin' nice for yourself. You've spent almost four months cooped up in this house, time you fixed yourself up and grew up." She spat.
I rolled my eyes and grabbed the box of gowns for Annie and walked towards the door.
What did Greasy Sae know about perfume? As if I would ever even think of impressing Peeta. We had such an atypical relationship that any traditional act of putting on heirs seemed almost ridiculous.
I walked fast as I passed his house, still feeling a bit of anxiousness from this morning's dinner invitation. His rocking chair sat empty on his porch and I suddenly wondered where he was.
I sighed, thinking of Peeta's sweetness this morning.
"Well, maybe I'll just look at a couple perfumes. Just for myself." I thought.
