Title: Farce: An Experience In Idiocy
Author: Page of Cups
Pairing: Cloud Strife/Riku
Other Pairings: Cloud/Leon, Riku/Sora, Leon/Sora
Fandom: Kingdom Hearts
Rating: R
Theme: #20 the road home
Warning: There is some sexual content in this little story between two males. Just so you know.
Disclaimer: I wish, okay? It's all lies. I don't own Kingdom Hearts, I don't know anyone who owns Kingdom Hearts, and I'm not affiliated with anyone who is affiliated with anyone who owns Kingdom Hearts. I think that about covers it.
Chapter Four
Leon was astounded at how idiotic he could be. He also held a fair amount of shame regarding his behavior over the past few days. It was only the third day of Sora and Riku's visit to Hollow Bastion and Leon couldn't exactly explain why he was so entertained by this farce he helped create. It was atypical of his nature to be so devious and sneaky. There was just something about that Sora Harada that sparked something in him—something that just made him want to roughhouse a little. Something that made him want to play. Something that took great pleasure in this accidental comedy of errors.
He was a fucking idiot. It was true that he'd known Sora was interested through most of the school year. It was also true that he enjoyed their pre-relationship flirtation and seduction. There was nothing more to it that Leon enjoyed the attention Sora bestowed upon him, and planned on seducing the little minx until he couldn't hold out any longer. That was why he'd extended the invitation to visit—in the hopes that Sora would take him up on his offer and Leon could continue his pursuit outside the walls of an educational facility.
Riku was a thorn in his side. Between Cloud's melodramatic moping and his coveted position as Sora's new boyfriend, Leon enjoyed ticking off the guy more than he should have. Leon supposed this was why—when it really came down to it, anyway—that he hadn't jumped at the simple solution when learning the truth. Leon liked pissing Riku off. It was that simplistic.
So here he was, chuckling to himself, as Cloud wrestled with the tent. This was more amusing than it should have really been, but he'd pinned Riku as being an indoor kind of boy. Sure, he probably went to the beach a lot, but the great outdoors were an entirely different atmosphere. When he started bitching about the bugs, Leon knew he'd been right. He looked across what was already set up of their campsite to Sora and smiled. Sora fidgeted for a few seconds before returning a grin.
Leon was even more of an idiot for taking the complex solution. If they'd just told Cloud and Riku about the moronic parallel of situations, he could have that gorgeous thing pinned beneath him right now. It wasn't that bad, though. He'd waited for Sora months-long already; a little longer wasn't going to kill his hormonal urges. Not when Sora was smiling at him like that, anyway.
"Do you need help with that?" said Sora, tearing his eyes away from Leon to Cloud.
Cloud dropped the poles and kicked them.
"This was the dumbest idea you've ever had," said Cloud.
Leon shrugged.
"You can build a car," said Leon. "You can fix a roof. My God, you've helped build houses. How am I supposed to know that the simplistic task of putting together a tent would escape you?"
"I don't know. Because we've known each other since the first grade? At this point it'd probably be easier to build a tree house out here."
"Faster, too. Sora's showing you up. I'm going to have to sleep with him and Riku tonight if you don't pick up the pace."
"Oh, fuck off."
Leon raised his eyebrows.
"You are getting frustrated. It's not that hard."
"You do it then."
"I don't feel like it."
"Why don't you just fucking help if you're going to be so smug about it?" said Riku. Leon met his eyes, which were fierce, blazing. "Don't just sit there and patronize him if you're so talented."
"Why don't you?"
"Because I'm building the fire. I thought that was kind of obvious, or have you suddenly gone blind as well as lazy?"
"Where did this attitude come from?"
"Probably same place as yours."
"Would you two just shut up and knock it off?" said Cloud. He kicked the tent poles again for good measure. "I can't take it. Leon, Riku hates you. Riku, Leon enjoys pissing you off. There. It's out in the open. Now would someone shut their fucking mouth long enough to help me with this goddamn tent?"
His voice trailed off into a whine. Riku stared. Leon snorted. Sora half-raised his hand.
"I already offered to help."
"Oh, let me do it, for crissakes," said Leon. He crossed the space to Cloud and nudged Sora in the side as he joined them. Cloud took a deep breath. "Why don't you go help Riku with the fire or something?"
"I can handle a fire on my own, thanks," said Riku.
"Okay. Riku is starting the fire with his hatred of me. Why don't you unpack, then?"
Cloud looked between Leon and Riku. He huffed.
"Is this whole night going to be like this?" said Cloud.
Leon snuck a peek at Sora, winked, and stood to full height. His arms snaked around Cloud's waist and he brought their hips together with a little bump. He ran his thumb along Cloud's jaw line and pressed their foreheads together.
"I'm sorry, okay?" said Leon. "I know I've been stressing you out, and I'm sorry."
Cloud closed his eyes and nodded. This was too easy.
"Yeah, okay. Whatever. I just . . . Play nice, okay? The tension's getting to me."
"I said I was sorry."
"I know. I'm not mad at you. I just . . ."
"I know."
Leon tilted Cloud's face up and pressed their lips together. From the corner of his eye, he saw Riku's glare attempting to bore through his soul. Leon smiled into the kiss, parted his mouth, and licked the tip of his tongue along Cloud's lower lip.
"You can be a weak little thing, you know that?"
Cloud's eyes shot open. Riku's nails dug into the dirt.
"Excuse me?"
"Oh, you know I'm just teasing you." Leon lowered his hand from Cloud's back to his ass and gave it a light slap. "Go unpack so I can put up this damn tent. As thrilling as the prospect of bunking up with Sora and Riku is, I'm starting to fear castration."
Cloud smiled.
"Maybe you should watch your mouth."
"Come on, Strife. You know I'm incapable of that."
"Better get on that tent, then."
Leon glanced in Riku's direction. His hands were flexing as if preparing to rip Leon's throat straight out of his body.
"Tell me about it."
-----0-----
Something about roasting marshmallows with Leon and Cloud snuggling by the fire was not how Riku wanted to spend his evening. It was disgusting, watching them canoodle around as if their world was perfect. The way their hands fit together was so wrong, and Leon was such a . . . a . . . well, okay, so Riku didn't have a word for whatever Leon was, but he knew that it was so bad there probably wasn't a word invented for it. Between the obnoxious tone of voice and the smug grin . . . Riku tried to breathe, tried to calm himself. It was obvious by this point that Leon hated him—truly enjoyed getting Riku all riled up. He damn near paraded Cloud around after setting up the tent. He coddled him in a way that was so damn annoying . . .
Riku wanted to grab the bastard, shake him, and tell him that Cloud didn't need to be cuddled because he was perfectly capable of doing the cuddling. It was supposed to be him in Cloud's arms, not Cloud in Leon's. There were so many things wrong with their relationship on so many levels that it was nothing short of a miracle that Riku didn't hoist the firewood into Leon's skull by now.
Dear God, as if it couldn't get any worse, Leon was freaking baby talking. He did this shit on purpose, Riku could swear. When he tried to point this out to Sora, he simply shrugged.
"I don't know. I guess he just really likes Cloud."
"I thought you said he wasn't always like this."
"He isn't. I don't know. I guess . . . I don't know. Maybe he's jealous of you."
"Of me?"
"Yes. Maybe he perceives you as a threat. He did say Cloud cursed my name to hell for a little while after coming home from school. And Aerith and Tifa said he was so happy with you over Christmas break. For all you know Leon just sees you as this guy that stole Cloud from him, broke his heart, and returned him in pieces. Now you're here, and my friend, and he's just . . ."
"I don't care, okay? I don't deserve this. Even if it is true. I don't. I just don't."
"Riku . . ."
"I don't want to hear it," said Riku in a hiss. Sora backed away. From across the fire, Riku heard Leon whisper some sappy, disgusting pet name. "I don't care if he's jealous or he sees me as a threat or whatever. If I hurt him, I didn't mean to do it. It was stupid to let him go. I acknowledge that. I'll also acknowledge that I did let him go and he's free to date whoever he likes, but my intentions weren't malicious. Leon's are. He's doing this on purpose and he loves every fucking second of it. And you're siding with him."
"I'm not. I just . . ."
"Oh go to hell."
Sora straightened.
"What? I didn't do anything."
"I saw you."
"What?"
"This morning after your shower. I saw you and Leon in the kitchen."
Sora's look of innocence faded into guilt.
"What did you see?"
"Your face attached to his. When were you planning on telling me?"
"I . . . Riku . . ."
"Yeah. That's what I thought."
"It isn't what you think."
"No? I think Leon is a bastard. He's a lying, cheating, asinine bastard. He's done nothing over the past three days than try to piss me off. He's probably leading you on, and just look at him over there with Cloud like he's done nothing wrong. I don't deserve this. You don't deserve this. Cloud sure as hell doesn't deserve this. I don't care if Leon hates me, but he's got no right to cheat on him, and you have no business letting it happen."
"Riku, wait. I promise it isn't what you think. I can explain."
"What? You tripped and your lips just happened to land on Leon's?"
"No. I mean, yeah, we were kissing, but . . ."
"But what?"
"You two all right?" said Leon.
Leon's face was open, questioning, but Cloud looked ready to stick his head into the fire. Riku gritted his teeth.
"Sora and I are having a discussion if you don't mind."
"It sounds like you're having a fight."
"It's none of your business."
Beside him, Sora shook his head and waved his hands as if trying to signal Leon he was going too far. Leon caught Sora's eye and frowned.
"Okay," said Riku, taking in this exchange. "Someone better start talking because I want to know what the fuck is going on."
"What are you talking about?" said Leon.
"That fucking exchange right there to start. Or we could move on to the finer points of mine and Sora's disagreement since you're so eager to butt your head in where it doesn't belong. Why were you practically raping him in the kitchen this morning?"
Sora released a deep breath, slapped his hand over his face, and dropped his head. Leon's bravado faded; his arms dropped from Cloud. He, too, sighed and ran a hand over his hair.
"He saw?" said Leon.
"I was trying to take care of it," said Sora. "You have terrible timing."
"Well you're not denying it. That's a start," said Riku.
Cloud pulled away from Leon and sat forward, leaning his forearms on his knees. He frowned.
"Could someone explain to me what's going on?"
"Sure can," said Riku. "This morning I went down to the kitchen for a drink and found your boyfriend attached at the lips to my best friend. That's what's going on."
"Best friend," said Leon. His eyebrow quirked. "Is that what you kids call it these days?"
Riku's face fell.
"You were kissing Sora?" said Cloud.
Leon sighed.
"Yes. I was kissing Sora."
Cloud nodded and bit his lip.
"When did this happen?"
"This morning."
"When did it start, Leon?"
"Yesterday. Listen . . ."
"Is this part of the plan, too?"
"Plan?" said Riku. "What plan?"
"No," said Leon. "Cloud . . ."
"Everyone just shut up and listen," said Sora. All three gazes turned to him. "Wow. That was easier than I expected."
"Say whatever it is you want to say and get it over with," said Riku. "I've had enough of this bullshit and I'm about two seconds away from going home without you."
"You've had enough of this bullshit?" said Cloud. "You? For the love of Shiva, spare me. What's happened to you? Leon's been a little harsh? Or is it because Sora isn't as obsessed with you as you'd hoped?"
"Excuse me?"
"You have not right to be as fucking bratty as you've been since you got here. Yeah, sure, Leon's been a little over the top and kind of a prick, but he hasn't really done anything to you. I've tried to be as pleasant and accommodating as possible, but if anyone should be pissed off around here it's me."
"You? Why do you merit the right to be pissed off? You've been happy as a fucking clam cuddling up to your new boyfriend, fucking flaunting your relationship like I don't exist. Like I'm not standing right here to listen to every sickening little comment or see every adorable little gesture. I'm nauseated with the both of you."
"Me? Me. Seriously? You . . ." Cloud broke off into an irritated sort of laugh. Sora squirmed. "You are so . . ."
"So what? What am I, Cloud? You can borrow a few words from Leon if you'd like. He'd got a laundry list of them."
"Knock it off," said Leon. "Right now."
"Oh, I don't even want to hear what you have to say," said Cloud.
"No, really," said Sora. "Let him talk."
"Why should he?" said Riku. "He's fucking cheating on him. I wouldn't hear him out, either."
"No one is cheating on anyone because there are no relationships here to cheat on and we're all a bunch of morons," said Leon. "Now you both shut up and fucking listen because there have been more misunderstandings in the past three days than I've experienced in the past three years. Got it?"
Riku stared.
"What do you mean there are no relationships to cheat on?"
"Cloud and I aren't dating, you imbecile. We never were. We've been faking it this whole time trying to make you jealous. Until you showed up, all I heard about day in and out was about how much he missed you. How much he hated Sora for stealing you. How badly he'd give anything to be back with you, and how he doesn't want to consider dating anyone else because he wants you. Honestly, I don't see where the attraction comes from, but it's his life."
Cloud groaned and buried his face in his arms. Leon kicked him in the shin and continued.
"That's what he's pissed off about. Because he thought you didn't tell Sora. Because he's had to keep quiet and I told him it was best not to go running back to you because you dumped him. Think about it, Riku. How would it look if you showed up with the love of your life, completely content, and he's not over you yet?
"Ordinarily I wouldn't have gone along with something as retarded as this, but I've been trying to snag Sora all year. I was fucking thrilled he was coming until I found out he was bringing his boyfriend. Excuse me if I wanted to show off a little for him, but I'm not in love with Cloud; I'm crazy about Sora. So I didn't cheat on anyone."
Cloud groaned. He lifted his head.
"Leon, please tell me you didn't just say everything I think you did."
Leon cleared his throat. He seemed to have regained his composure.
"Can't do that."
"Sweet fucking Shiva . . ."
"No, Cloud, it's okay . . ."
"Is this part of the plan?"
"No, Cloud. The plan is over. The plan was pointless. That's what I'm going on about here."
"The plan was pointless?" said Cloud. His eyes grew, and something akin to insanity swam in his eyes. "The plan was pointless? No shit, Leon! I told you the plan was pointless. I told you about a thousand times the plan was pointless, but no. You don't want to look pathetic, Cloud. I'm going to make Riku hate my guts for you, Cloud. Once I steal Sora, he's all yours, Cloud. I told you this was stupid. I told you I didn't want to do this, but you insisted, and now the plan is pointless?"
Leon frowned. He bit his lip.
"To a certain degree, yes."
"To a certain degree? And you didn't even tell me about Sora. Leon, I . . . I just . . ."
"There's a very good reason for that, you know."
"I hope it isn't like your reasons for the plan, because in case you missed the broadcast, it was pointless."
Leon's lips twitched; his face dropped toward the ground.
"Well, yes, it had something to do with the plan . . ."
"Oh for the love of . . ."
"Wait," said Riku. Cloud turned his crazed look around a few times before settling on Riku. "You and Leon aren't dating? You aren't . . . you know . . . happily ever after and all that?"
Cloud sighed. His eyes calmed.
"No. We're not. I'm miserable, alone, and I wish I could back in time before I ever met you so I wouldn't know how bad this kind of heartbreak feels. Satisfied? Not pissed off anymore?"
Riku shook his head. His breath caught in his throat.
"No. I . . . Sora and I broke up."
Cloud lifted his head.
"What?"
"Sora and I. We broke up. First day we got here. I was . . . I was miserable without you, too."
"He realized after we got together that everything he thought we'd have he already had with you," said Sora.
Riku rolled his eyes and glared.
"I think that's our cue to leave," said Leon.
"Where are we supposed to go?" said Sora.
"Away?" supplied Riku. "I think whatever master plan you were working on now to get us back together has already caused enough damage, don't you think?"
Sora bit his lip. Leon stared around the clearing.
"Wow, Sora," said Leon. "Don't those trees over there look mighty interesting?"
"They all look the same."
Leon stomped on Sora's foot.
"Oh, yeah," said Sora. "Fascinating. We should go look at them up close. Which ones are they again?"
Leon grabbed Sora by the arm and dragged him away. Once they disappeared into the night, Riku scratched the back of his head and sighed.
"Well, looks like I fucked this one up, too."
Cloud raised his eyebrows.
"What do you mean?"
"I fucked us up by dumping you. Then I fucked up my chances of getting back with you by pretending I was still with Sora, and blowing up at Leon, and . . . I don't know . . ."
"Why didn't you tell me that you and Sora broke up?"
"Because when we got off the bus you looked so happy with Leon. I . . . I didn't want you to know that I broke up with you for nothing. I already felt like such an idiot and you seemed so over it that I just couldn't . . ."
"Yeah," said Cloud, nodding. "It was Leon's genius idea, you know? Wanted me to pretend to be his boyfriend to make Sora jealous before I even knew you were coming. I put up a good fight, but when I saw you with him, I just . . . I didn't want you to know, either."
"We are a couple of idiots, huh?"
Cloud shrugged.
"I'm just an idiot for listening to Leon. You're an idiot for breaking up with me. If you had just stuck it out, we wouldn't be in this mess."
"I'll accept being the bigger idiot if you can find it in your heart to forgive me."
"That's not even a challenge."
Cloud closed the distance between them, wrapped his arms around Riku, and pulled him into a hug.
"I can't tell you how much I hated seeing you with Leon."
"I doubt it matched how much I hated seeing you with Sora."
"I'll take that bet. I've been hating Leon with the fire of a thousand suns."
"I could tell. I warned Leon that you were going to murder him." Cloud paused for a second. His expression grew more serious. "I wanted to tell you."
Riku shrugged.
"Doesn't matter. We're together now. We are together, aren't we?"
"Shouldn't I be asking you that?"
Riku sighed. He buried his face into Cloud's neck and inhaled. He nodded.
"Being with Sora . . . it felt so . . . so wrong. I belong with you."
"Tell me about it. I've been feeling so uke it's starting to squick me out."
"It was driving me crazy, too."
"What? Not being uke?"
"No. Watching you like that."
Cloud's face grew irritated. He shook his head, eyelids half-closed.
"Don't even start. Having you watch me like that has destroyed my self-esteem. I could kill Leon, so don't you even bother. Let me get to him first. You didn't have to spend the last three days hearing his little pep talks. I have more qualifications to be his murderer than you do."
Riku laughed.
"Okay. It's a deal."
"I guess things managed to turn out all right, huh?"
"Yeah. Only now you've got to tell everyone you and Leon aren't really together."
Cloud shook his head.
"No need. Everyone was in on it. Tifa. Aerith. It was one of Leon's elaborate set ups. Like the club. Like this camping trip, I'm sure. Like the volleyball game. It was all Leon. We didn't do a single thing that wasn't meant to piss you off or make you feel bad for leaving me."
"So Leon executed your revenge, huh?"
"Yeah, that and he really wanted you and Sora to break up so he could have him instead."
"I guess I can stop hating Leon, then."
"No, that's not a requirement to be my boyfriend."
"It is to be Sora's best friend, though."
"Guess you're shit out of luck then."
"Guess so. Is he still going to badger me?"
"Doubt it. He'll be too preoccupied with other things. Like Sora."
"Ah, right. He's very persistent, isn't he?"
"You could say that."
"At least everything worked out."
"Thank Shiva for small miracles." Cloud paused, arms still wrapped tight around Riku. "Hey, Riku?"
"Hm?"
"If you ever leave me again, I'm going to kill you. It's too much work trying to win you back even as a willing party."
Riku laughed.
"It's a deal."
"Would you just kiss me already?"
Riku smiled. He snaked his hands from Cloud's grip, cupped the back of his neck, and pulled his head forward. Their lips met for a brief moment. Cloud smirked.
"Yeah, you know what? I don't feel a thing anymore. I think I'm finally over you."
"Oh, shut up."
The second kiss was stronger, deeper. From the trees, Leon snickered. Sora jabbed him in the ribs.
"What? They crack me up."
"I think that's enough out of you for at least a year or so."
"Oh, yeah? Try and stop me."
"So not even a problem."
"Flirt."
"Look who's talking."
"Me?"
"Mmmhmm."
"Would you two go away?" called Riku.
"Yeah. We're trying to make out here. Without an audience," said Cloud.
Sora snickered.
Ah. Finis.
So I have no problem in admitting this is what I've been working on for the last few days exclusively.
Leave a review if you like. I'm off to bed as I just got chastised for not sleeping since I need to go to Harrisburg today for swimmy swimmy like a fishy fishy.
See y'all soon. And yes. Probably with 100 Steps.
