- Again, thanks to everyone who's reviewed, emailed me, whatever, you guys are all amazing. Thank you so, so much.
- The song used is 'Somewhere In Between' by Lifehouse, and is from their album No Name Face.
- Lastly, just incase it still needs to be said: I do not own the characters, I'm just merely borrowing them for a little bit.
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Honestly For You:
Somewhere In Between
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The rain intently hit the roof, creating little pitter patters before streaming silently down the translucent glass of the window, while the trees were being blown and bent, and the thick hail crashed into the house like tiny bullets. In a twisted way the weather outside was the tangible of her internal emotions.
The uncertainty of it bothered her, and for the first time since knowing Chandler she questioned both him and his motives. She was in an awkward place, the place between loving him and hating him, and while she strove to be strong and independent she found herself completely reliant upon him.
She had to go home, for her sanity if nothing else. In the beginning she thought that not talking to him, and attempting to forget about it for a little while was best, but after this long all she wanted to do was see him, and talk to him. She needed to make sure of what he wanted, and prayed that her over analyzation was just that – her taking his words and making them into something which they were not.
She inhaled deeply, glancing over at the clock as she gently ran her hand over her stomach. It was nearly four am – she'd be with him that evening, and while she was anticipant, she was scared of the unsteady, uneasy feeling which thinking of being in his presence gave her.
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I can't keep losing sleep over this, no, I can't
Now I cannot stop pacing
Give me a few hours and I'll have this all sorted out
If my mind would just stop racing
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He backed up slowly until he rested his back against the door, and with a heavy sigh he slid down, allowing his feet to go out from under him as he surveyed the apartment. It was clean, almost too clean, and it looked as though no one had lived there.
Taking a deep breath Chandler ran his hands over his face – he hadn't lived there over the past few weeks, rather he'd existed there. He didn't know what he would do when she finally came home, nor did he think that he was able to think about it anymore. It'd started to ware on him, he'd begun to resent both himself and Monica, and for the first time in a long time he was able to see that he was no longer just himself, he was a husband, he was dependent, and he was head over heels in love.
He wanted Monica there, with him, he wanted to know where she was, why she was there, and when she would be home. He wanted to know that she was okay, and that she was happy. His motives were not to control her, but rather to protect her. He loved her to the point that he was petrified of loosing her – he didn't know what he would ever do if something happened to her, or them for that matter.
Since he was younger he fought for control of everything, and everyone in his life, although he'd never been able to attain it. He had this indescribable fear of the fleeting love he'd experienced since he was younger, but never had he been so afraid of loosing someone as he was of Monica. As soon as she'd left he realized that he would do anything and everything to fix whatever was wrong and correct any and all of her doubts.
He needed her, for the first time in his life he actually needed someone. There were people, like his four other friends who he couldn't imagine life without, yet he would be able to live somewhat without them. But, with Monica, he was slowly coming to the realization that he needed her more than she could ever know, and if anything came out of their little 'fight', that was it – he needed her, and he would not and could not let her go.
He only wished it would be that easy to make her understand.
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'Cause I cannot stand still
I can't be this unsturdy
This cannot be happening
This is over my head but underneath my feet
'Cause by tomorrow morning I'll have this thing beat
And everything will be back to the way that it was
I wish that it was just that easy
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"So…" Joey began a conversation aimlessly, not liking the silent space between them.
"So." Chandler said simply as he sat himself down on the window seat and looked out the large glass window.
"Do you have anything planned for tonight?" He asked gently, testing the waters as he searched the cabinet for a bag of chips.
"I'm going to play it by ear. Take it as it comes. Whatever she wants to do, we'll do. Whatever she wants to talk about we'll talk about." Chandler shrugged as Joey found a bag of chips and shoved a handful into his mouth. "I just want to see her. She needs to come home." He said, placing his head against the window as Joey sat himself down in the chair, facing the opposite direction from Chandler.
"Are you guys gonna, you know…" Joey trailed off and Chandler let out a frustrated sigh. Since Monica had been gone it seemed as though no one would finish their thoughts, everyone worded things gently and asked delicately as if they were scared he would break.
"No. I don't know." He said abruptly. "Are we going to what?" Chandler could sense that Joey was uncomfortable.
"A baby." He said simply, cursing himself as soon as the words escaped his mouth.
"Oh." Chandler paused for a minute, running his hands over his face. "That." He spoke through his hands as they covered his mouth.
"Have you, you know, changed your mind about it?" Joey spoke slowly.
"I've always had the same thoughts about it. I want kids, I just thought that it was beginning to get to be too much." He paused for a minute, shaking his head. "I don't know. We need to get through all of that stuff." He gave no definitive answer.
"You guys are going to be okay, Chandler." Joey tried to convince him. "You're Monica and Chandler, Chandler and Monica. You have to be okay. You'll be okay." Joey finished and realized that he was convincing himself just as much as Chandler.
"Yeah, well." Chandler punctuated his incomplete thought with a deep sigh. "I just want to get through tonight."
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'Cause I'm waiting for tonight
Then waiting for tomorrow
And I'm somewhere in between
What is real and just a dream...
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With her duffle bag slung awkwardly over her shoulder she looked aimlessly up the stairs, wondering if she could actually find it in her to make her way to the top without backing out - If anything denial and ignorance was a hell of a lot easier than facing it.
Sighing deeply as she began to ascend the stairs, silently praying that she would meet no one along the way. Once she reached the last few steps she hesitated momentarily, feeling as she began to shake.
"Monica, calm down." She spoke quietly to herself, sensing that she was about to loose it. She was so close, but found it so hard to go any farther. It hit her, in an odd, awkward way it scared her – she'd never felt anything but safe and comfortable around Chandler, and now she was apprehensive just thinking about him being so close.
Finding whatever worn out, tired, lost and hopeless strength she had left she climbed the last of the steps and then rounded the corner before seeing their apartment before her. She stopped, feeling something rush over her as she sat down on the little step at the beginning of the hall. Placing her bag next to her she pulled her knees in close to her before placing her head in her hands.
If she loved him so much, why was coming home this hard? She should just go in and talk to him, because she knew that the words she put in his mouth were most likely much worse than what he would actually say. For the first time in their relationship she was filled with doubt, and while she wanted to walk in and fix everything right there and then she had a feeling that it would not be that easy.
And now, she was not only fixing things for herself, and her marriage, but also for her child. She hated the nagging feeling that Chandler may not want the baby, she detested the uncertainty which the situation provided.
She wasn't quite sure how long she was sitting there, but when she raised her head again her eyes were burning and red, and her cheeks stained with tears. Slowly she got up, knowing that she could not sit there all night.
Before knocking on the door she paused for a moment, forcing herself to gain as much composure as possible as she wiped the stray tears from her eyes. She knocked quickly, and quietly, as though she wasn't quite sure she wanted to do so.
Within seconds she heard the lock click and the door open to reveal Chandler. He shoved his hands in his pockets to resist grabbing her, just incase she was still apprehensive, and smiled widely.
"M-Monica." He stumbled over her name.
"Hi." She lowered her head, and the awkwardness between them was overpowering.
"Um, here, give me your bag, and come inside." He reached for her bag and stepped aside as she walked past him into the apartment. Monica entered slowly, taken back at how everything was still perfectly in place from when she'd left. "You, uh, you look beautiful." He fumbled for words, not knowing what and what not to say.
"Thank you." She turned away, seeing him looking intently at her tear stained cheeks and raw, red, eyes.
"I'm so glad that you're home. It hasn't been the same without you, I hated being here." He shook his head as he took her bag back to the bedroom, and she could sense that he was scared she would leave again.
"I hated not being here." She said after a few minutes contemplation.
"You should have come home." He stood in the doorway of their bedroom, leaning up against the frame as he hung his head, staring intently at the invisible spot on the floor.
"Yeah, well, here I am." She sighed, taken aback by the whole thing. There was a resolution, somewhere – somewhere within the hidden glances, awkward silence and overwhelming sorrow.
"I know." Chandler cleared his throat. "Are you hungry? I could –"
"I'm fine." She shook her head, amazed at how uncomfortable she was in her own skin.
"Oh." He said simply. "So." He began, but upon the realization that he had nothing worthy to say he stopped.
"So." She repeated, crossing her arms across her chest.
"We, uh, or, we need to talk, I think." He finished quickly, wanting the words to be out so that she could do with them what she chose.
"Okay." She nodded in agreement.
"Monica, I never meant to hurt you, honey, you – or, you're my entire life. You're my everything." He shook his head, turning away. "I want to get through this, I would never have said anything if I knew that we were going to get into this."
"Why did you say it though? You knew how much I wanted this, and you went along with it for so long – why now, huh Chandler? Why after so long did you decide against it? I mean, what if, or, what if I was pregnant already? What would you do then?" She said in one breath, shocked at the inner strength she'd blindly found.
"I want this, I want you. I want a baby. I in no way was insinuating that I didn't want children – that's the last thing I meant for it to sound like. It's just a little overwhelming, I think." He concluded. "I'm so used to it just being me, and then you came along, and it was me and you. And I was just beginning to handle that, and then I felt like I was loosing it, ya know? I'm a control freak, I think." He shook his head, somewhat ashamed. "I felt like I was loosing you. I didn't want to blame it on myself so I blamed it on trying to get pregnant."
"What? Loosing me?" Monica asked, her voice cracking with emotion.
"I've lost every good thing in my life." He placed his hands over his face. "I just figured I was going to loose you too, and I wanted to try to fix it, but instead I think I've made it worse."
"You're not loosing me, or at least you weren't loosing me."
Chandler felt his stomach flop at her words, 'you weren't loosing me'. Weren't. Were not. Past tense.
Slowly Monica made her way over to the couch and sat down as Chandler slid to the floor and backed himself up to the door frame.
"You need to believe me. You have to trust me." He rubbed the back of his neck.
"I always believed you. You were always the first, and only person I trusted and believed." Chandler sighed, again she used the past tense.
"But…" He continued for her.
"But to have you tell me that, to have you make it seem like you were going along with everything I wanted just because you were scared to say something – to think that I would bring a child into this world who's father didn't love him or her as much as I do…" Chandler bit his bottom lip at the thought while Monica stressed over the reality.
"If you were pregnant, then I'd be happy, I want to be a father. I want us to be parents. I just want everything to be perfect." He spoke slowly, hesitantly.
"Nothing's ever perfect." Monica spoke softly, staring straight ahead.
"We were." Chandler said shortly.
"No we weren't." Monica shook her head, and Chandler laughed ironically, caught off-guard by her bitterness.
"Oh." Was all that he could say.
"It's not about a baby." She began to explain. "It's about you leading me to believe something that was completely the opposite of what you both wanted and believed. If you were honest from the beginning, if in all those times I'd ask if things were okay you would have said something, then it would have been a completely different story." Monica paused, but not long enough to say anything, which was fine with him because at this point he had no clue what to say. "But you waited. You waited and convinced me that this is what you wanted –"
"It is what I wanted!" Chandler spoke loudly, beginning to get agitated. "What about this don't you understand, Mon? I just wanted to take a break and work on us, we were struggling, or didn't you notice? I just wanted to not worry about it, that doesn't mean that I wanted to change my, or our, entire future. I want a baby. I want a family – I want the freakin' house in the suburbs with the dog and the big back yard." He sighed in defeat. "And, who are you to judge me, to say what I do and don't want, huh? By staying away you've turned this into something it should never have been!" He began to explode as he got up quickly and turned to face her.
"Oh, so I should have stayed here? Stayed and listen to you make up lies and all your other shit? I should have stayed so that everything would be 'perfect' for Chandler." She paused to catch her breath. "Well forgive me." She said sarcastically as she rolled her eyes.
"You didn't have to leave. You could have stayed the night with Rachel or something. But you chose to pack up and leave. You left me Monica, and I'm supposed to sit here and listen to how horrible I am? At least I want to fix this." He took a step back, slowly realizing what she was doing. "Do you…Or – are you, do you not want to fix this? Mon?" She said nothing, turning away and covering her face with her hands as she released a strangled sob. "Monica?" He spoke her name like a silent prayer.
"I'm afraid…" She trailed off, leaving it at that.
"Oh." Chandler shook his head before falling to the floor, feeling that his legs would no longer support him. He placed his head in his hands, and for the first time in a long time he felt like running – getting away as fast as possible and not allowing himself to look back.
He sighed deeply, looking over at Monica. He couldn't run if he wanted to – he couldn't leave her, he loved her to where he couldn't imagine not being with her. He just wanted it to be over, he wanted this to be over and he wanted things to get back to normal – whatever that was going to be.
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Would you catch me if I fall out of what I fell in
Don't be surprised if I collapse down at your feet again
I don't want to run away from this
I know that I just don't need this
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"I hate it when you cry." Chandler spoke first after their long, silent battle. "I always have."
"Yeah, well." She said blankly, not quite sure if she wanted to warm up to the situation.
"You're not going to leave, are you? I mean, like, for good…" He trailed off, not even wanting to think it let alone speak it.
Monica said nothing for what seemed like an eternity, while inside she cried for him, for how scared and awkward he was.
"Monica, please, I'm sorry." He practically begged.
"We're going to have to try." She said, making it seem like he was an obligation.
"I don't want you to feel like you have to do anything." He said, again beginning to get upset.
"We're married." She said simply, letting it serve as her answer.
"Yeah." He scoffed. "You're married to a lying, untrustworthy, unbelievable, bastard." He said blankly.
Monica said nothing, not knowing exactly what to say, if anything. "You're not a bastard." She finally spoke.
"Oh, well thanks." He rolled his eyes. "You know, this is the stupidest thing that's ever 'broken' up a marriage." He cringed, knowing that the whole thing stemmed from Monica's overreaction and misunderstanding.
"It didn't break up our marriage." She cleared her throat. "We just need to…" Monica wasn't sure where she was going with their conversation. "Take it slow, okay?" She finally finished.
She had two options: one, she could leave, run as fast as humanly possible and never look back. She could loose both the best love and friendship she'd ever acquired, but keep her pride. Or, two, she could forfeit her pride, and her waked out, blown out of proportion version of everything and settle down with Chandler.
"What?" Chandler got up and slowly, hesitantly walking over to her and sitting down on the edge of the couch.
"If we're going to do this, then we need to do it slowly. No rushing back into anything. No assuming, or lying, we need to talk more and we need to make sure we're on the same page." Monica hesitated. "We need to get our bearings back, get re-collected and back on our feet."
"Take each day as it comes." Chandler nodded. "I'm sorry." He spoke honestly. "I love you, and I'm so sorry." He didn't know what else to say. Their short little scat had been so tiring, and draining, and all he wanted to do now was hold her. All he wanted was for things to get back to how they were.
"Love you too." She smiled sadly as he pulled her in for a hug and kissed the top of her head sweetly.
"Baby, I missed you so much. You have to promise that you'll never do that to me again, please."
"I promise." She said slowly as they parted.
It was a beginnings end, if nothing else, but what scared her the most was the baby she was carrying. She'd crossed one hurtle only to be stuck behind another, but, like Chandler said, they'd take it one day at a time, and hopefully, before long she'd be able to sit down and talk to him about it. But, for now, for tonight they were going to start from the beginning, they were going to restart and rebuild, because like Joey had said, they were Monica and Chandler, Chandler and Monica, and they had to be okay.
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'Cause I cannot stand still
I can't be this unsturdy
This cannot be happening
'Cause I'm waiting for tonight
Then waiting for tomorrow
And I'm somewhere in between
What is real and just a dream
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To be continued.
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