Everyone dressed? Check.
House acceptably clean? Check.
Oven and iron off, faucets off, and lights turned out? Check.
The four of them stood on the steps in front of Gray's house while the owner locked the door and said, "We officially survived twenty-four hours as roommates. The house is still standing, nothing has been destroyed, and no one died. I feel this is quite an accomplishment for us."
Lucy sighed at her team, the members of which were as pleased as imaginable that they'd managed to go one whole day together without collateral damage or excessive violence. The ice mage was oddly reticent, although Natsu seemed pretty pleased with himself.
They walked to the guild, and the instant the door closed behind them, Natsu and Gray took one look at each other, and then started the slug-fest they'd been holding off on in order to avoid damaging the place where they were supposed to be living.
Makarov saw the error of his punishment then. Gray and Natsu were evidently capable of saving their rage and destruction for the guild, and since the Council wasn't going to complain about Natsu and Gray destroying the guild, what they were doing was well within the rules.
He looked to Erza to stop them, but she stuck her nose up in the air and looked away as if to say, 'You brought this on yourself, Master.'
Besides, Erza would rather they let their rage out in the guild than on their job or at home.
And the guild master narrowed his eyes and finished his mug of beer. He looked up to Mirajane and said, "I wasn't going to do that to them, but I think they haven't learned their lesson yet."
Mira covered her mouth. "That job? But they'll be sure to break things and cause property damage. Plus…that job…Master, it's cruel. This might be one job they can't do."
"Even Erza has turned against me, so, I have no choice. There's no chance a battle will be required, so there's no reason those numskull boys will need to get into a fight," Makarov replied as he waited for Gray and Natsu to finish what seemed like the millionth stalemate brawl.
When it was over, Gray was shirtless, both were making growling noises and yelling childish insults, and Lucy and Erza were sitting with Cana talking about swimsuit season like it was no big deal.
The guild master tapped his staff on the bar and called the group over, and as Natsu and Gray continued making animal sounds at each other while Happy sat on the floor not far from them tying Jet's shoelaces together, he explained, "We got a very special job request earlier, one I don't think I would entrust even to Laxus. Laxus would…"
Makarov imagined the corpses that would be left behind and shook his head. "That would never work. I'm not sure if I could do that to my own kin anyway."
"There's something you won't do to your own kin, but you'll do it to us?" Natsu seemed confused by this statement, and then added, "I don't know what that means, but I think I might be offended!"
Gray's eyebrow twitched. "You are such an idiot, flame brain!"
They were about to go at it again when Makarov said, "The pay is four million jewels for one week of work, but the job requires all four of you. If you can't play along nicely, then I guess I'll have to give it to someone else. Good pay, no danger – all you have to do is behave and do some very basic tasks like housekeeping, cooking and serving food and drinks, and greeting guests and you'll make all that money. They'll even let you to stay in their mansion and you can eat as much food as you want."
Lucy grabbed Natsu by the scarf. "This job is perfect! I'm a former high-society girl! I know everything about being a proper host and caring for guests! And my share will pay my rent for eleven months. We're doing this!"
"Happy, how much food money is that?" Natsu asked.
Happy drooled as if his brain had short circuited when he tried to convert one person's share of the reward into fish. For some reason, Happy was only capable of calculating money in terms of how many kilograms of salmon he could buy with it, which was actually a complex calculation involving the ever-fluctuating fishing industry, the consumer price index, and the availability of salmon in Magnolia. Truthfully, he was fantastic at math, but he only did his 'fish math,' so thanks to that, Natsu viewed all prices in terms of 'how many fishes is that?'
"It's all the fishes…" the cat mumbled.
Gray said, "I could use the money just in case you guys actually do destroy my home."
"I want Love Princess Armor," Erza added.
No one was going to question the redhead's desires, although it was an open secret in the guild that Erza had around a hundred different suits of armor with her at any given time and that only around a dozen were useful in battle. The others were things like bathing suits, dresses, costumes, and other absurd things. The fact that she needed to carry so much luggage on top of this was actually kind of disturbing.
Makarov said, "I'm trusting you with this job, but if you fail it or attack any of the clients, I'll double your punishment time. If you're able to get through it and the client is pleased, I'll take thirty days off your punishment."
Once the group excitedly left to pack and go on their job, Mirajane commented, "Master, don't you think that was kind of mean?"
XXX
Several Hours Later…
They stood outside the villa of Master Bob, Blue Pegasus guild master, and Lucy looked over her shoulder to toe forest where they'd fought the magical monster Nirvana.
Music, magic four-wheelers, carts, and decorations all suggested there was a party or some other festive event going on inside of the villa, and the blonde said, "Is it wrong that I'm hoping we've been called here because Nirvana somehow revived?"
"I don't think we'll be that lucky," Natsu gravely said as he attempted to hide in his scarf. "Gray, he's here. I can smell him."
Suddenly, Gray and Natsu were clinging to each other fearfully. "That guy? We have to stay here with him for a whole week? I have to sleep sometime!" the ice mage fearfully stammered.
"We can take turns. One of us can sleep while the other one keeps watch! That way, he won't be able to sneak in and do things to us while we're sleeping!" Natsu replied.
Happy wrapped himself up like a mummy in the scarf and nearly choked his partner. "What if he likes cats?"
Lucy looked over at them and found two fierce, normally-fearless mages and an Exceed shaking fearfully and clinging to one another. "I'm afraid to ask, but what are you idiots going on about now?"
"M-Master Bob," Natsu replied.
Erza clonked them both on the head. "We can do this. All we have to do is go one week without hitting anyone or breaking anything, no matter what happens. If we fail, we'll all be stuck living together for six months. Three already seems like hell. If we can get through, we'll be free in less than two."
The fierce Titania's confidence that they could get away without violence melted when a short, stout man came running through the villa doors. "That perfume! My ERZA!"
He was followed by Hibiki, who gave Lucy a warm sweet smile and gracefully crossed the lawn. The mage got down on one knee in front of her while Ichiya sniffed Erza's neck and took Lucy's hand. "Lucy, to what do I owe the great honor of your presence?" Hibiki kissed her hand and looked up into her eyes, "It seems like you've become even more beautiful since the last time we met."
"I…" Lucy blushed as she thought, '…want to hit you so hard you choke on your own heart.' But their job was taking care of the guests – Master Bob's guests – and this included Hibiki. She wanted that money and she wanted to go back to her apartment, and for that, she'd tolerate him. "Well, just very busy, that's all."
At that moment, Master Bob came bounding down the stairs in an outfit that made Happy sing, 'Who wears short shorts? Master Bob wears short shorts!' in his mind as he cringed fearfully behind Natsu.
The guild master raised a pink to his mouth. "Oh, you've arrived! It's so good to see you all again, especially you boys. My, how you've grown into eye candy. I can never which I like better: the pretty, cold ice mage or the ruggedly sexy, passionate fire mage! Maybe both at the same time?" He wrapped his arms around Natsu and Gray and rubbed his stubble. "Makarov really has the sweetest young lovelies under his wing. I'm so jealous!"
Hearing someone refer to Gray and Natsu as the 'sweet young lovelies' tore a giggle from Lucy's lips, and the guys stared at her as if she'd betrayed them.
To avenge her mockery, Gray said, "You know, Hibiki, Lucy talks about you a lot. I think she's really missed you so much. I'm glad you guys are getting to spend some time together."
Lucy gasped and pointed. "Well…what about you and Lyon? Juvia told me that you love Lyon, but you never go visit him."
"Oh? So you are interested in other men? Today's my lucky day!" Bob all but squealed.
The ice mage felt this intense pressure inside of him, as if he was simply going to explode at any minute and the force would destroy everything around him. He reached for the hem of his shirt and felt it go flying over his head.
And Bob gave his bare chest a good look over that left Gray feeling violated. Gray knew that some people responded to his stripping in this manner, but most of them were shy or embarrassed. Bob was neither. He was shameless, and Gray scrambled for his clothes.
"This retreat is going to be so much fun!" Master Bob exclaimed. "I planned it to reward the Trimens and Ichiya for all their hard work. For Ichiya, I invited Erza, and Lucy for the Trimens, and Gray and Natsu…you're my little gift for myself."
For once, Happy was incredibly relieved that someone had forgotten he was there.
Thus the enormity of their task was laid out before them:
They had to clean, cook, and serve the needs of the famed perverts of Blue Pegasus for one week. That meant one week of Lucy being propositioned by three men at the same time, one week of Ichiya talking about Erza's smells, and one week of Master Bob making blatant passes and hugging Natsu and Gray.
If they failed their task, they'd all have to live together for twice as long, they'd be charged for the villa they'd surely destroy, and they wouldn't get paid. In other words, they could lose millions and have a longer punishment or make millions and have a shorter punishment.
Lucy, the eternal source of bad ideas, said, "Time out!"
"Huh?" Hibiki said
"Uhhh…"
Lucy exclaimed, "I'm sorry Hibiki, but I'm taken! Everyone here is taken! We all have relationships! Right, Gray?" She was attempting to reassure Gray, who had become entangled in his own shirt.
Apparently, he wasn't half as good at putting his clothes on as he was at taking them off.
Unfortunately, Gray went a little too far and in that moment, Lucy seemed like a savior to him. "That's right! I'm with Lucy! Lucy is my girlfriend and she doesn't want me to be touched by anyone else, isn't that right?"
"R-right!" Lucy said, even though in her mind, she was holding his head in her hand and watching blood shoot from his decapitated body. "My boyfriend is Gray!"
And Natsu, eager to jump on the idiot bandwagon with his friend, pointed at Erza, as his thought process didn't allow him to remember that there were other women in the world. "Erza! Erza is my girlfriend!"
The glare Erza gave him caused his testicles to shrink up inside of his body in utter fear.
Then Erza realized that maybe she could use this. "You're useless. Just standing there like an idiot while another man smells me. I am going to dump you and find a man that isn't so incredibly stupid that all I think about is all the different ways that I want to kill him. If I dump you, you'll be free and on the rebound, right, Master Bob? I'm sure you'll comfort Natsu if that happens."
Natsu's jaw dropped and he pointed at Ichiya. "Stop sniffing my woman! It's rude! If you're sniffing my woman, that's a violation of like…what's the word? I forget."
"Manners," Happy whispered from his hiding place.
The lascivious advances all came to an end and Hibiki, Master Bob, and Ichiya withdrew.
"How disappointing," Hibiki said, vowing he would try to steal Lucy away from Gray.
Master Bob shrugged. "We're all very happy for you. Come along. We might as well get you started."
Please Review!
Special thanks to blueey, UsuiXMisakilover, blackangelsky, Akarui Nightshade, fivecentimeterspersecond, aStRalBlaSt, Buffy McCracken, Kishin rei, xLsierrax, kiss-me-g'night, Elemental Dragon Slayer, nejihyugahinata, Aryndiel, Chrys Stone, Derrick, quillop, Sin of the Fallen, Chloeandderek, Selaphia, Catwho, satomika, Beczy, WONDERBANGx3, ShiningStellar, Bareerah123, LaynaPanda, Miki Boy, mariaa, and Dattebayo Devon for reviewing! I really appreciate it!
AN: As I said before, this isn't a pairings fic, so don't read too much into pretending to be boyfriends and girlfriends.
