I know I'm behind on answering to previous reviews, but I'll get to them - they were so many, I can't believe it! I'm so grateful for people reading this story, and whenever you leave a comment it helps me become a better writer. So thank you!
Please remember that I haven't seen the latest Glee episodes, so please respect my wish to be spoiler free.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything you might recognize, Glee ain't mine.
Being back at Dalton feels surprisingly normal. Kurt is still rooming with Jeff, who almost knocked all the air out of his lungs with his welcome back-hug. He offers to help Kurt unpack, and he gladly accepts. He's brought more of his belongings than he did back in January. It isn't merely because he knows he has to stay for an entire year now. It's also because he sincerely wants to have more of his life and personality at Dalton. He feels braver, more confident, more comfortable now than when he first transferred. He isn't as afraid of showing who he is. He has true friends in the school. After Kurt had to admit defeat in the quest of convincing his dad to let him transfer back to McKinley, Kurt chose to embrace the idea of spending another year at Dalton and make the best out of it. It's not that he doesn't enjoy the school, and if it hadn't been for the mess with Blaine, he'd agree that Dalton is a better school than McKinley in every single way.
During the summer, he stopped completely wearing sweats and oversized t-shirts. He went back to his old fashionable self, and went shopping at the mall with Tina and Mercedes a couple of times. Jeff invited him on a shopping date with Nick in Columbus, and Kurt's dad had been so happy to see him acting like his old self, that he gladly gave him extra shopping money. Kurt was so grateful, he didn't even know how to repay him, but Burt had gruffly said he'd be happy as long as Kurt kept smiling.
So now he's brought his skinnies, a variety of shirts and sweaters, even a skirt, a load of scarves and brooches, seven pair of shoes, and other treasures from his wardrobe. He intends to spend as little time in the uniform as possible, and his days of hiding in Finn's clothes are over. Jeff helps him unpack, and gushes over some of the items, making Kurt preen as if he'd designed them himself. So sue him; he loves his clothes. He knows he'll have to reorganize everything after Jeff's help, but he wants to add his own touch to his half of the room first – posters, pictures, important books and DVDs, the childhood teddy he's unable to part with, and some memorials. He adds a small mirror on top of his dresser, and unashamedly places all his hair and skincare-products. There's not enough room in their tiny, shared bathroom anyway.
Kurt Hummel is back.
If experience taught him one thing before this summer, it is to not postpone important things. He didn't manage talking with Blaine, as he really wanted to, because Blaine slipped away and left for LA as soon as his exams were done. It's about time to take the bull by the horns. When Jeff excuses himself to go out for dinner with Nick as a last date before classes begin, Kurt smiles in relief, and gets ready to see Blaine. He knows the other boy is back at Dalton, as Jeff had let it slip earlier.
He's not quite sure why, but he changes out of his sweaty and crinkled from moving in-clothes and restyles his hair, before he leaves to find Blaine. He hopes he still has the same room, otherwise he doesn't know where to look for him.
Kurt closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, raises his hand slowly, and lets his knuckles fall heavily three times against the door. He counts slowly to sixty, just like his dad once taught him, without anything happening. He raises his fist once more, and then the door opens.
"Hi!" Kurt greets dumbly, hand still raised in a fist by his face.
"Kurt, it's good to see you!" Blaine beams.
"Is Wes here?"
"Oh, no," Blaine says, and it aches in Kurt's stomach when he sees how Blaine's face falls. "He is helping David set up his room. I'm not sure the two of them know how to do things separately. I'm sure you can find him…"
"I came to see you," Kurt interrupts, because he can't stand watching Blaine look sad.
"You did? Come in!"
Blaine steps aside, and Kurt slips inside, letting Blaine close the door behind them. They stand still, looking at each other for a long time.
"Welcome back," Blaine says awkwardly, and it almost sounds like a question. Kurt tries to smile reassuringly at him. He wants to offer him a hug, but it doesn't seem like the appropriate thing to do, so he keeps his arms firmly tucked in his pockets, looking hesitantly at Blaine. Blaine chews on his lip, and seems as if he doesn't know what to do.
"How was your summer?" Blaine finally asks.
"It was fine; I'll tell you more later. There's something I really need to say to you, Blaine."
"You sound serious."
"Please sit down," Kurt almost begs, and gestures at Blaine's made bed and his office chair. Blaine chooses the latter, for which Kurt is glad. The bed isn't exactly neutral territory. He remains standing on the floor, trying to hold himself together by clutching his arms tight to his body, hands with a firm grip on his elbows.
"I had prepared an entire speech I was going to give you after your last exam, but then you'd already left, and now I can't remember a single sentence," Kurt chuckles humourlessly.
"I never heard from you all summer," Blaine says softly. It doesn't sound like an accusation, but it feels like one.
"I know, I know. I wanted to give you… I thought we needed this summer apart, I didn't want to…"
"Kurt?"
Kurt huffs frustrated, and licks his lips.
"I was told that you have feelings for me," Kurt says softly, deciding to just bite the bullet, and get it all out. "I didn't know that. I didn't know you could see us as more than friends." He shushes Blaine, who takes a deep breath as if to say something. "Please, let me finish." Blaine nods, and Kurt continues. "I feel awful for how I treated you last semester. I came to you whenever I had a bad day to be distracted from it all by… Sex," Kurt whispers, and nods towards the bed. "I used you like a toy when I needed a game to cheer me up. And I'm so, so sorry, Blaine," Kurt pleads. "I never stopped to consider what you thought about this, I never thought about your feelings and needs. I took advantage of you. I exploited you. I ignored you. I hurt you. And I feel truly, deeply, madly, awfully ashamed. I… I don't know what to say, I promise my speech was much better before summer. But the gist of it was I feel awful, I'm so sorry, I don't expect you to ever forgive me, but I need to apologize. I…"
Kurt blinks several times, trying to stop the tears. Blaine has been sitting obediently still during Kurt's monologue, but now he's up on his feet. He wraps Kurt up in a tight hug, rocking him gently from side to side as Kurt works hard to compose himself.
"There's nothing to forgive. You haven't done anything wrong," Blaine murmurs softly. Kurt doesn't believe him. He remembers Blaine telling him he loved him, and he answered something along the line of how glad he was to be his friend. Friendzoning him, it got to hurt. And how has Blaine felt whenever they've kissed, cuddled, gotten off together? If there are feelings in the equation, it must have been difficult and painful for him. Kurt is the biggest jerk to walk this planet.
"I hurt you," Kurt sniffs.
"I'm doing so much better now, I'm okay," Blaine insists. "It's not as if you forced me into anything. I'm a big boy, I could have said no, I could have told you things were complicated, I could have checked with you to make sure I wasn't reading more into it that it was," Blaine murmurs, still holding Kurt.
Kurt doesn't quite believe him. Blaine, sweet, generous Blaine, would he really have said no when Kurt came to him on an off-day and needed distraction? Blaine is more selfless than selfish. Kurt also notices how Blaine doesn't object to Kurt saying he hurt him, which can only mean that it was true. Kurt caused Blaine pain.
"I can't go back in time and change what I did, but I promise I'll make it up to you. I tried to transfer, but dad wouldn't let me, so I have to be here. But I'll stay away from you, I'll take other classes, I'll quit the Warblers, I'll do everything I can do to give you some peace and quiet," Kurt rambles, almost working himself up to a frenzy.
"What the hell are you talking about?" Blaine exclaims surprised, expressing himself with one of the really rare times he turns to swearing. He grabs Kurt by the shoulders, backing him with outstretched arms until he can see him clearly.
"I want to make things easier for you. Staying out of your life sounds wise," Kurt shrugs.
"You're such an idiot," Blaine smiles fondly. "And what was that about transferring?"
He guides Kurt over to his bed, and they sit down side by side. Kurt grabs a pillow, hugging it close to his torso, and explains how he tried to convince his dad to transfer back to McKinley.
"I'm glad you're still here," Blaine says solemnly. "You're one of my best friends, of course I want you in my life. You are not quitting Warblers. You are taking the classes you want, regardless of who else is there. And you are not going to avoid me. Were you doing that back when I was discharged from Bellefontaine, and this summer?"
Kurt nods, somehow feeling embarrassed.
"Don't do that again, okay?" Blaine says softly, his bottom lip quivering. "I missed you. I need Kurt in my life."
"But…" Kurt gestures helplessly. "your feelings must complicate things."
"Maybe it does, maybe it doesn't. But that's my burden. I'll deal with it. I am dealing with it. I may have spent the summer trying to get over you, romantically. Does that sound cruel? I still need and want you as a friend."
"It's not cruel," Kurt gives him a tiny smile. "I'm flattered that you felt like that about me. You're a really great guy. Maybe in a different life, with different circumstances. But in this life we're meant to be friends."
"And we can be the best friends ever," Blaine grins, and nudges his shoulder against Kurt's. Kurt chuckles, but nods.
"I'd like that."
"So, promise me you won't make any sacrifices or make any choices based on anything but how you want your Senior year at Dalton to be? Don't treat me like something in dire need of bubble wrap, okay?"
"Deal," Kurt finally agrees, and extends a hand to shake on the agreement.
Back in his room, Kurt crawls into his bed and hides under the covers. Knowing Jeff is still out on his date, he finally lets his tears flow.
Blaine is without doubt the most amazing human being Kurt has ever met. He is intelligent, witty, kind, caring, passionate, charming, polite, can sass with Kurt better than most others, has a geeky strike that is kind of endearing, has impeccable manners, and is the most gorgeous male that Kurt has ever laid eyes on. If things were different, he'd be the man of his dreams, he'd be the perfect boyfriend.
But as it is, Kurt isn't worthy of Blaine. Kurt is a broken, hollow fragment of who he used to be. Yes, Christy has through the therapy sessions helped him see that he's doing much better than he did a year ago. But he still has his demons. He's still wary of strangers, he avoids crowded rooms, he doesn't want to draw attention to himself, he tiptoes around in his life, he has ugly scars on his arms, he's jumpy and moody, he still has nightmares, and some days he doesn't know how to get out of bed, some days he doesn't know why he bother fighting.
He'll graduate high school, because his dad wants him to. But there's no other future for him than to stay under his dad's roof and work at Hummel Tires & Lube. He no longer has any dreams, and he isn't strong enough to move out and conquer the world on his own. He's a failure, a sorry excuse for an almost grown up young man.
He's the furthest you can get from the boyfriend Blaine deserves. Kurt is flattered that Blaine fell for him, but the human heart is known to do irresponsible and confusing things. Kurt is still trying to accept the newly found insight that he has fallen in love with Blaine. He can deal with that. He can only hope Blaine really has moved on, and can find happiness somewhere else, find someone he actually deserves, someone who is good enough for him. Blaine should have only the best.
And Kurt is honoured that Blaine still wants to be his friend. That's more than he deserves.
