Chapter 4: In which Sora and Kairi visit HB

Riku eyed Sora warily from across the table. He kept yawning, covering it with his hand, and even the looks he sent Kairi were weary. Sora and Kairi had come to visit Hollow Bastion, and of course everyone wanted to know what'd happened to them too. They were all sitting at the table as Sora and Kairi filled everyone in on what Riku and Namine hadn't mentioned over the past week. Neither of them brought up Namine being Rewritten, though, and it wasn't until Sora was asked about his Shadow that he said anything on the matter.

"Oh? He's… he's gone…" Sora let out a long breath, drumming his fingers against the edge of the table. "He's… finished. I… y'know…"

He trailed off there, sending a brief look at Kairi.

"You don't sound very happy about it," Yuffie said. Her elbow knocked against Riku's as she leaned forward on the table.

Sora's drumming became a little more aggressive. He sent another look to Kairi, on his left, then sent a hesitant look to his right, where Cloud was sitting. Actually, if Riku trusted his eyes, it looked like Sora looked past Cloud and at Tifa.

"Maybe I didn't want to kill him…" Sora mumbled. He stopped drumming, leaned back in his chair. He looked exhausted.

"It's for the better," Cloud said, looking sternly at him.

Sora only shrugged. Riku thought he saw him mutter something that looked like 'sure'.

Leon leaned back in his chair, though Riku figured that had more to do with trying to see past Yuffie than anything else. "Why didn't you want to kill him…?" he asked, slowly.

Sora shook his head. "I don't think… I ever wanted to kill him. I just… I figured I had to." He wouldn't look anyone in the eye—not anyone who wasn't Kairi anyway. He shrugged again. "I guess… guess it didn't… it didn't feel right, that's all. When it came down to it."

Tifa tried to press the matter, but Cloud put a hand before her, signaling her to drop it. The conversation continued—not that there was much left to discuss. Sora rarely looked up again. Kairi kept sending looks at Namine, but every time Riku turned to Namine, she acted like nothing was wrong.

"Something up?" he asked her.

She looked up at him, hesitating a long, long moment before saying no, nothing was wrong.

He knew she was lying.

"Namine—"

"Not now. Please."

Riku wanted to ask further, but Sora caught his attention across the table, mouthing the words 'can I talk to you?'. Riku sighed, sending one last look at Namine, before nodding. What'd he done, though, to upset Namine like this? Surely he'd said something, but…

The conversation eventually dwindled, and everyone left to do their own things. Namine and Kairi headed upstairs to talk. Sora waited until everyone had left the table, then meet Riku's eye. Riku shifted a little in his seat.

"Yeah?"

"Have you… have you ever killed anyone?"

Riku raised his eyebrows. Of all questions…

"Sora…" he began.

Realization washed over Sora's face. "Oh. Right. That was a dumb question."

Riku shrugged. He couldn't exactly deny that.

"Never mind," Sora said, pushing his chair away from the table and getting to his feet.

"Wait, hang on, why'd you wanna know?" Riku nearly got to his feet too, only to remember how tall he felt standing next to Sora. He didn't like how it felt like he was towering over everyone all the time. Even with him sitting and Sora standing, Sora hardly had inches on him. Standing, Riku was at least two inches taller than Leon. At least.

"Just wanted to know if you feel as gross about it as I do, but you wouldn't. You were built to be a killer."

Riku let out a long breath, unsure of what to say. He licked his lips. Sora's words had a certain sting to them—his choice of the word built rather than born, paired with the solemn look in his eyes and the certainty in his tone. He didn't even look angry. He only looked resigned.

"Sorry…" Riku said, slowly.

Sora waved the apology away.

"That's alright. Nothing you can do about it."

Riku shrugged. "I can try to talk…?"

"No, you can't, because you don't understand, either—unless you've been up all night puking over it? Didn't think so."

Riku swallowed.

"Is this… is this about your Shadow?"

Sora rolled his eyes. There was a sharpness in his voice, now, as he spoke. "It's about everyone. All of them!" Then he grimaced; reconsidered. "Maybe not Ansem. And I can't say I'm too sorry to see Maleficent go, just wish it hadn't happened the way it did."

Riku wet his lips. He knew this was dangerous territory, and that Sora'd basically already answered, but he couldn't help himself. "And… your Shadow?" he asked.

Sora slammed his palm against the table, eyes blazing with a fury. Riku jumped a little. He hated admitting that he was scared by little things like this, but he definitely had been surprised.

"I already answered that, Riku," Sora hissed. "Why does everyone want to know about him?"

"I was just—"

"You don't understand, and you never will." Sora pulled away from the table, straightening slowly, regarding Riku with that angry gaze for as long as possible before he finally turned away and started off. "There's no point talking to you about it," he muttered, heading for the stairs.

Riku eyed the stairs for a moment. He didn't want to look like he'd been following Sora—he really had no intention to—but Namine was up there, and…

Not that she wants to talk to you.

Riku shook his head, squishing that thought from his mind. She and Kairi were friends, after all. He could allow them some privacy. Even if…

"Riku?" Aerith called, from the living room. "Can you come look at something for me?"

"Yeah!"

He got up and headed out there to meet her.

Aerith smiled at him when she saw him. "I was thinking of starting a garden outside again," she explained. "And wanted your opinion on where it should go."

"Why mine?" he asked, surprised.

"Because you're the only person who lives here that isn't busy right now. I mean, I'm going to ask everyone eventually, but I guess you're first!"

Despite himself, Riku couldn't help the smile that formed on his lips.

xxx

Sora knocked on Cloud's door, even though it was open. It just felt rude not to knock, especially since he and Tifa looked like they were discussing something.

"Cloud? Can I ask you something?"

Cloud looked up at him, then sent a glance at Tifa.

"'Bout your Shadow?" he asked, eyes darting back to Sora.

"Kinda."

Cloud nodded. He sent another longer look at Tifa. After a moment of glaring at him, she rolled her eyes. "I'm going," she sighed, getting to her feet and pushing past Sora. He could hear her clomp down the stairs after a few seconds.

Cloud gestured for Sora to sit on the cot, where Tifa'd been sitting. Cloud was sitting on the edge of actual bed. Each was up against opposite walls, so by sitting on the cot, Sora was facing Cloud.

Sora cleared his throat, working up the nerve to ask his question. It wasn't an easy question to ask. Honestly, he figured the only reason he'd been able to ask Riku so easily earlier was likely because he already knew Riku's answer.

"You… you ever killed anyone, Cloud?"

Cloud's eyes widened with surprise. Then he shook his head. "No one besides Sephiroth," he said. His face darkened with concern. "Are you… are you saying you have? Besides your Shadow?"

Sora only nodded.

There was Ansem, of course. I think. And Maleficent, and those two members from Organization 13—Xaldin and Luxord, weren't they?

Cloud considered him with wide eyes for another moment, then shook his head. "Well, I can't help you there. I'm sorry." And, he really did look sorry. "You're better off asking Leon or Aerith or… Well, Rinoa's not around but, still. They're more likely to have the answers you're looking for."

"R-Really?" Sora asked, a little stunned.

Cloud nodded. "Yeah. They ended up getting involved in some fight with an evil sorceress on another world. I don't know all the details, but I know it ended in her death. Zack talked about it a lot." He shrugged. "Anyway, don't press either of them—Leon or Aerith—too hard about it. They may not want to talk."

"Yeah, of course," Sora said, without hesitation. He filed the information away for later, hoping he wouldn't forget it. He sort of doubted he'd get the chance to ask today.

"Was that it?" Cloud asked. "Or did you actually have something to ask about your Shadow?"

"I do." Sora shifted his weight in the cot, pulling his legs up and folding them under him. This wasn't exactly an easy question, either. "Why do you say it's better he's… that he's dead?"

Cloud's earlier surprise wasn't a match for his surprise now.

"Because… it is…" he answered, eyeing Sora suspiciously. "I mean I know it can't have been easy to take his life, but there wasn't another option…"

That was the answer Sora couldn't bear.

"Sora, I am a being created to drag you into darkness! There is no other win for you besides my death!"

"Are you sure!? Because you giving up on that sounds like winning to me!"

He hadn't been able to bear the answer then. How was he supposed to bear it now?

"What if there was?" he asked Cloud. "What if there was another option?"

"There can't have been," Cloud replied. "He can't have lived. Sooner or later he would've tried dragging you into darkness. You can't have—"

"We could've worked something out!" Sora shouted. He turned away, hastily wiped the tears from his cheeks.

"What's got you so twisted up in knots, huh? Can it be fixed? Can I…?"

"Sora there's no way to fix this! Please just- just kill me!"

They could've worked something out. If only his Shadow hadn't been so hasty. If only Sora'd said something different. Gotten his Shadow's attention. Managed to get them to talk through it, figure out how to fix it, figure out how to—

But he wanted to die because he loved you, he reminded himself.

It's not disgusting to love me. We would've worked it out.

But could you live with that knowledge?

I have to anyway, whether he's alive or not. Maybe it'd be easier if he were still here…

Sora shook himself out of his internal argument. Cloud was regarding him sternly. He didn't know Cloud well enough to know if the way his lips pursed together meant he was angry or not. He could almost sense Cloud's impatience, though.

"What would you have done?" Cloud asked. "Befriend him? You can't befriend a Shadow. A Sheto..?" He laughed weakly, and shook his head.

The sound of the word Sheto stirred something in Sora. A sense of familiarity. A flash of images conveying what it meant. Someone drowning in darkness. Gold eyes watching on, glinting with pleasure. Fighting. Struggling.

"I'm a being made to drag you into darkness, Sora."

"It's impossible," Cloud continued, his voice dragging Sora out of the images. "Sooner or later, he would've snapped back to what he needed to do—kill you or smother you in darkness—and neither of you would've been able to stop it. Him being close to you, being 'friends' with you, would've only made it worse. He could've done it in your sleep."

Something roiled in Sora's chest.

"No, he wouldn't have," Sora protested. "He- He wouldn't have!"

He wasn't sure exactly why he was protesting.

He wouldn't hurt me. The thought made him sick. He loved me. He wouldn't have—

"Shadow's aren't creatures you should trust," Cloud told him, plainly.

"Mine was different!"

Cloud raised his eyebrows. The amusement in the expression made Sora's hands clench into fists and unfold his legs from under him. The urge to punch Cloud square in the jaw and wipe that not-quite-a-smirk off his face flooded him, then the urge was gone. Sora didn't even have time to question it.

"Look, even if he was," Cloud said. "Even if his head was in a good enough place to restrain himself, he would've done it anyway. Shetos are very purpose driven creatures. He would've fallen back into the same pattern, without realizing what he was doing, and eventually he'd have you by the neck, pulling you into the darkness with him."

The image sent shivers down Sora's spine.

Echoes of he wouldn't have continued in his head.

Anger filled him as quickly and as strongly as the urge to punch Cloud had, but this time it didn't vanish. He leaned forward where he sat, palms pressed to the cot, prepared to launch himself forward. As if attacking Cloud was even a smart idea. As if he really wanted to.

"How do you know?" he demanded. "Last I checked, you and Sephiroth weren't—"

"Weren't nearly as connected as you were to your Shadow, no," Cloud finished. There was a sharpness in his tone. He watched Sora as if he really expected him to attack. "But my Shadow had enough time to go around, make a name for himself, and a reputation. He wanted to get away from it, wanted to be the stuff of other people's nightmares, not just mine. Except he always came crawling back to me. He couldn't stay away."

The words tugged at Sora's heart, and the fire of anger flickered to nothing.

"I think it drove him mad…" Cloud grimaced as he spoke, clearly not thinking highly of the thought. "Eventually he grew more and more focused on fighting me. Trying to killing me. As if it were an obsession he couldn't shake."

Sora let out a long breath. He trembled a little with the raw emotion surging through him. He didn't know what his feelings were doing, but they certainly weren't staying in one place for long, and he was sure he'd soon be overwhelmed by it all.

Maybe that's why my Shadow died, he thought. So he wouldn't have to fall that far, wouldn't be forced by madness to kill me, when he so desperately couldn't stand harming me…

…not that it makes his death any easier to bear.

Sora swallowed. His knees knocked together. He gripped the edge of the cot, elbows locked with the strain of it. He cast his eyes to the ground.

"I understand," he whispered.

"Why he couldn't have lived?"

Sora nodded.

"Good."

Sora squeezed his eyes shut. It wasn't easy to bear—none of this was—but he understood. Just like he understood why his Shadow wanted to die. Not just to avoid madness, but because he found himself despicable.

"Is that it?" Cloud asked, and his voice was kind now. Still a little rough, but this was Cloud. Everything he did was a little rough.

"No…" Sora said, slowly.

There was something else. It was just, the thought of telling Cloud gripped at his stomach, but he needed to. He needed Cloud to understand.

"I just… I didn't want to kill him because he asked to die." The words fought and struggled out of his mouth, like someone was in his throat and trying to drag them back before they left his lips. His eyes were shut, so he couldn't see Cloud's expression, but he figured it was surprise of some sort.

He continued: "And it's… it's been really unsettling me. Maybe if- maybe if he hadn't told me… but…" Then he chuckled, a little bitterly. "Who am I kidding? Even if he hadn't told me, I would've known." He clutched at his chest.

"You would've?"

The shock in Cloud's voice was enough to make Sora look up at him. Cloud was frowning. Suspicious.

Sora sent him an equally confused look. Did he not have Sephiroth's memories, like Sora had his Shadow's? He supposed he wasn't surprised. Many other things had differed between their Shadows.

"I… I've got all his memories, now," Sora explained. He tapped his knuckles against his chest, right over his heart. "Am I… am I not supposed to?"

"I don't have Sephiroth's…"

Right. Sora had been right in assuming that.

Sora took a second to fumble for words to explain it, explain what had happened. Explaining to Kairi hadn't been hard, but now he was nervous, as if Cloud would correct him. "He- my Shadow… when he died." Sora swallowed. "There was something let of him. He said it was a heart—my heart, that he'd harbored in him, and that I should take it back. I did."

Cloud went very pale. Sora's frown deepened.

"Was I… not supposed to?"

"I- I don't think you needed to," Cloud replied. "I mean, I didn't have to with Sephiroth… but our Shadows were very different, weren't they?"

"Do you think it was a bad idea?"

"Not necessarily…"

Cloud didn't sound to certain, though.

"Cloud, if I made a horrible mistake, I'd like to know!"

Cloud shrugged and shook his head. "I couldn't tell you if you had. You're the only other person I've met who's had a Shadow. There's no telling how different they should and shouldn't be. I think…"

He hesitated.

"Yeah?" Sora pressed.

"I think it smells a little fishy," Cloud said. "But, I might just be paranoid. I've been paranoid for five years." The last bit was said as if it were a joke, but Sora didn't find it at all funny.

Oh, please tell me I haven't made a horrible mistake.

Sora let out a long breath. "Still… why did it have to go that way? I- I didn't want to…"

He didn't want the fight with his Shadow to go how it had. Didn't want his Shadow's death to come the way it had.

"You can't change the past, so there's no use fussing over it," Cloud said.

"But- But I… I didn't want to kill him…" Sora's voice caught on his lips. "I- I didn't want it to end like that—"

"Do you think I wanted to sit and watch Xehanort murder Zack? While I was too weak to do anything about it?" Cloud's voice was sharp like a whip, but as fragile as glass. "Do you think I wouldn't give anything to be able to go back and change that night, if at least, to make it so he was still here and Aerith would smile again? Because I would. But I can't. And you can't change how your Shadow died, either."

Sora just nodded. His shoulders hunched as if the words were blows. He understood. He did. He just… He didn't like it. He didn't like any of it.

"And since you can't change the past, your only option left is to learn to accept what happened," Cloud said. The confidence in his tone was gone. His hands curled to fists against the bed. "It's not easy. Of course it's not easy. But what other option do we have?"

"None," Sora whispered.

Cloud nodded.

"Exactly."

He got to his feet.

"Now come on. You should probably be heading home soon, shouldn't you?"

Sora nodded fervently, and got to his feet, too. Cloud was right. He and Kairi could only stay here so long, before they needed to head home again. If they were gone too long, their parents would get worried. Or, his parents would, anyway. Unfortunately.

Cloud headed out and down the stairs, gesturing over his shoulder for Sora to follow. Sora did.