Chapter Four
Our honeymoon had officially begun. I had no idea why we didn't just leave for our destination straight after our wedding, but I trusted Edward's decisions, because he was smarter than me.
It was strange … after last night, everything had gone back to normal. I could no longer read thoughts, and he now could (but still not mine). What had happened was so unexplainable that we passed it off for post-marriage giddiness.
The place Edward would be taking me for our honeymoon was a surprise. I knew that wherever it was would be the place I became a vampire. We were currently speeding down the highway in the limousine that Edward had bought specifically for the wedding. However, I had a burning question to ask him.
Nervously, I started. "Edward?"
Edward looked over at me and smiled. "Yes, Bella?"
I fidgeted uncomfortably and looked away. "Edward … remember that promise you made me? You know, my condition for marrying you?"
Edward looked smug. "Why of course … how could I forget? Last night was wonderful."
I looked up at him in shock. "Last night? What are you talking about? All we did was belt each other, what did you think we were doing?"
Edward looked confused. He bit his lip in concentration for a minute, before realisation dawned on him. "Oh yeah … belting and sex are different things."
"I'll say," I smirked. "Anyway … I was hoping that you could turn me tomorrow. But that means that sometime during the course of today, we will have to …"
"Ah."
"Yes."
"I see."
"Indeed."
"Ahem."
"This is awkward."
"So what's your point, anyway? You seemed like you had more to add," Edward asked.
Yes, I was getting at something. But I just didn't know how to ask … ah well. I decided to just say it.
"Edward," I began, "I understand that you have consumed a lot of blood in your earlier years, a lot of human blood I mean. And I'm just a little worried … that you may have …" I cleared my throat. "I'm worried you might have contracted some STD's."
I slowly turned my head to finally look at Edward. He stared at me with a blank expression for a full minute (it surprised me the car didn't crash) before he burst out laughing.
"Oh, Bella!" he cackled, tears of mirth running down his porcelain cheeks. Well, they would have been if he knew how to cry. "Bella, you are so funny. Oh, I can't believe you would even ask that question!"
I ducked my head down, embarrassed. "I'm sorry Edward," I said to my feet. "I shouldn't have made presumptions, I was just worried … what was I thinking … of course you don't have any STD's …"
At this, Edward stopped laughing. "Oh, no," he said in earnest, "I do have STD's. Heaps. Seventeen, in fact. That's why it's funny."
My jaw dropped.
Edward smiled brightly. "I can list them for you! Syphilis, herpes, trichomoniasis, donovanosis, balanitis, chancroid, Pelvic Inflammatory Disease, Gonorrhoea, Molluscum Contagiosum, Lymphogranuloma Venereum, Chlamydia, Non-gonococcal urethritis, Staphylococcus aureas, Jock Itch, Yeast Infection, Cytomegalovirus and Kangus."
I couldn't help it. I let out a blood-curdling scream of horror.
"AAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!"
At this, Edward stopped the car and put his hands on my shoulders, trying to calm me down.
"Bella, Bella, it's okay! Stop screaming, please, it'll be fine! Please listen to me! No, stop screaming Bella … put down that knife … Bella, it's okay, you have to stop, Bella SHUT UP!"
Edward roared those last two words louder than a lion I had once heard roar at the zoo. I shrugged his hands off my shoulder and shuddered … herpes hands.
"Edward, why didn't you tell me?" I asked hoarsely.
He shrugged. "Because it wasn't necessary," he said. "There was no need to start screaming, you know, I didn't even get to finish my tale. You see, although I have consumed the blood of people containing those diseases, and therefore the illnesses have flowed through my bloodstream, being a vampire meant I was never affected by herpes or anything else. Sure, the disease was in my blood, but it wasn't doing anything. It was benign … or is the term malignant? I don't remember."
I raised an eyebrow. Edward was being remarkably dense today. "Continue with your story," I told him.
"Well," he said. "There's something you don't know about vampires. We, ourselves, have no blood. The only blood that flows through our veins is the blood that we have consumed. When we get thirsty, it's because our blood flow is becoming weaker, as we vampires contain a certain acid in our bodies that dissolves our blood at a fairly slow rate. So, the diseased blood once in my body dissolved long ago. I am now full to the brim with healthy animal blood!" Edward stated proudly.
"Ew," I said. "I'd rather you were diseased."
"Well if you want, I can show you my genital warts. No, no Bella, I'm joking! I swear, it was all a joke … please, put that knife away! Where did you get it anyway? Bella, I don't actually have genital warts, I wasn't being serious, I … oh, sweet Perelandro … Bella, why do you carry a gun? The bullet won't kill me, you realise!"
I raised the gun to his temple and grinned maniacally. "No, but it'll hurt like hell."
Edward had paled. His already alabaster skin was now blindingly white. Squinting my eyes, I lowered the gun.
"Edward," I said consolingly, "I wasn't actually intending on shooting you. Look, the gun is just a starter's pistol."
I casually pulled the trigger, and a cracking noise was released along with a pathetic puff of smoke.
Edward was looking at me delightedly. "I've always wanted one of these," he said in a chirpy voice, taking the gun from me. "But why did you decide to bring it?"
I shrugged. "I just thought it was kind of kinky."
Edward revved the engine and grinned. "Let's go then," he said, smiling suggestively as the car sped towards our destination.
Little did I know what Edward had planned for tonight.
