Delude \di-'lüd\ 1: to mislead the mind or judgment of: impose on: deceive, trick 2 a: frustrate, disappoint b: evade, elude
You look away awkwardly. "Ah, I understand now."
"Shut up. You don't know anything." My reply sounds so juvenile, even to my own ears. I turn around and angrily yank on the chain as I make my way to the bathroom.
"I hardly think that outburst was necessary, Light-kun."
I ignore you, going to our shared dresser for a pair of pajamas. I rarely use them. At the end of the day, I barely have enough energy to do anything more than fall into bed. Not tonight, though. I am on edge, full of pent-up tension. I have to get out of these clothes. They're too tight, too warm.
I slam the door on the chain, flinching at the unpleasant clanking sound that results. The door bounces off the metal links, but then stops its swing. You are holding the door closed, I realize. You have never done this before. You've always been oblivious to the lack of privacy afforded by our situation. It makes me wonder what the hell you think I plan on doing in here.
I make it a point to change my clothes and brush my teeth as quickly as possible, all the while screaming at you in my head.
How dare you make assumptions?
My mind transforms the thought, stretching it to encompass other spiteful accusations: How dare you believe that I'm Kira? How dare you take away my freedom? How dare you, how dare you….
By the time I turn the bathroom over to you, my problem has disappeared, and I have to refrain from glaring in your direction with all the venom I possess.
I stand outside the door, listening to the little noises you make as you gurgle mouthwash. You're very thorough with your dental habits. You'd have to be--otherwise your teeth would have rotted out of your skull by now. Your lengthy cleansing gives me time to think.
The main question pervading my thoughts: What the hell is wrong with me?
The only possible explanation I can come up with is that I was caught by surprise. Lack of social interaction caused a sort of desperation that my body chose to vent at a very inappropriate time and in a very inappropriate way.
It was a perfectly normal reaction. It wasn't that I enjoyed it. I didn't want you. One can not expect a teenage boy to be handcuffed to another human being without feeling a certain confusion of identity. Not only was my reaction justifiable, it was healthy.
For goodness' sake, you tackled me! The adrenaline rush alone could have provided a rush to my system, creating the unfortunate side-affect of arousal. While I have never considered myself to be particularly attracted to danger, the seclusion of this imprisonment could very well have impaired my judgment for a brief moment.
I smile to myself. Yes, I've hit upon the root of it: sudden stimulation after a day of exhaustion.
I hide my smile as you exit the bathroom. You look at me strangely, and I know you are trying to decipher my body language. Not this time, Ryuzaki. I won't let you make me doubt my analysis.
As we climb underneath the covers as far away from each other as possible, and the lights give way to the comfort of darkness, I smile again, knowing that I am safe because you can't see. Though it wouldn't surprise me if your owl-like eyes were capable of night vision, logic tells me that you are just as night-blind as the rest of us.
What did you think, Ryuzaki, as you looked me over? What went on in that genius head of yours? I can't even begin to speculate.
And I don't care. Why should I waste time on this when is so incredibly unimportant?
It is a veritable truth that you believe with your entire heart and soul that I am Kira—nothing, not even evidence, will convince you otherwise. You are so preoccupied with my guilt that I am sure nothing else enters your mind.
You've allowed yourself to be caught up in this idea that the person you claim to be a friend, the person you are attached to, is a cold-hearted murderer who will one day kill you.
Perhaps you need me to be Kira. Why else would you be so adamant?
The thought saddens me for reasons I can't articulate.
XXXXXX
The way I figure it…if he can convince himself that killing people and becoming a god is what the world needs, then deluding himself into thinking he wasn't turned on should be a piece of cake!
Next chapter will be a very citrusy nightmare. It will up the rating, so you'll have to look under the M rated stuff to see if it's updated. (Or you could just make it easier on yourself and put me on your alert list, and review while you're at it, hint hint.)
Let's play 'Guess the chapter title!' What do you think the E word will be?
