Hello all ! Well it lloks like my muse is finally back, let's try and see what you think about this ...

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Musing

Serena Southerlyn's apartment - 3 am

Standing by the window, I'm once more mesmerized by her beauty, her strength. I've been lying in bed for the last four hours, unable to sleep. Although for once in weeks, Serena's sleep in peaceful. I guess I got used to hold her in my arms for so many nights.
Now that she doesn't need me, they feel empty.

And that's fine. She wouldn't be able to go on any longer with so little sleep. The black bags under her baby blue eyes, her skinny features giving me nightmares.

The doctors gave her heavy medication for her insomnia, but none of them could fight this kind of fear. The fear only people who went under heavy surgery and through heavy dependency can resent: the fear of letting go. The fear of sleep itself. Like if they slept they'd never wake up. It's the kind of fear no medication would never fight.

So I waited patiently, we both did. Endless sleepless nights where Serena would hand to me for dear life. Nights where I'd hold her as fiercely, afraid to let her down, trying desperately to help her fight demons only she'd see. So now that she's finally resting, I'm the insomniac.

It gives me time to think, to watch her. I long to touch her, to feel her body against mine but I don't want to risk her much needed rest. So here I am, 3 am, standing by the barely open window, watching the woman of my life sleep.

I smile at this. Months ago, before this entire ordeal started, Serena Southerlyn hadn't entered my mind in ages. And now to be honest, she didn't because I didn't allow her to. I denied her memory to enter my mind, my world. But in the past two months, she's invaded it on a 24 hours basis.
Sure proximity helped, but it wasn't that only.

She's lying on her right side, holding a pillow to her chest like a lover would. Like she held me in the past, snuggled to my side, her arm draped across my waist and her head nestled in my neck. The only she and I too, could sleep. Is it still the case? I'd have to ask her someday; although I'm not sure I'd be happy to hear the details of her sleeping arrangements with her lovers.

Sighing, I'm willing this train of thoughts to vanish. But the sight of her sleeping naked, a white sheet barely covering her muscular body, can't help my mind to wander in that territory. Her right foot pokes from under the sheet, revealing bone colour strapping.
Once more a minimal detail brings my mind back to that day where those fucking assholes white supremacists tried to take Serena's life.
Well technically they didn't, their target was Jack Mc Coy, Serena's direct boss.
She was just some kind of collateral damage.

She was glad she hadn't been at the precinct when that skinhead turned himself in. The news of the shooting made all NY newspapers headlines for weeks. Seems like all his friends turned their back to him, especially after his "mistake". After all shooting the A DA's assistant who happened to be blond, with blue eyes, and German native was more than they were ready to cover. So they let him down.

With nowhere to hide, with all NY cops after him, he turned himself in five weeks after the murder attempt.

Sighing, Olivia Benson decided to try to get some sleep.

She kept fighting the idea to join Serena in bed, fearing that the movement would wake her up. But she although knew that if Serena woke up alone in the middle of the night, she'd be pretty scared to be alone in bed. She gave in. Patting barefoot to the bed, she climbed noiselessly next to Serena holding her breath a long moment, making sure the younger woman was still asleep.

Then she released her breath and went in to contemplate the ceiling till dawn, listening to Serena's breathing.

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End of this chapter ... so ... any thoughts/reviews?