Leave it to PPMB to take the high road 90% of the time, but then go SFMB better than SFMB does. I think I'll go on the lighter side this time.
I would calculate the events of 'All the People' to be at least a year and a half after the events of 'I Loathe a Parade,' probably more. Why is that important? Oh, no reason.
A Little Bathroom Reading
Ω
The hallway was dark as Jane and Todd Ianuzzi crept into the Morgendorffer home to slaughter its inhabitants.
It might've had something to do with all the lights being off.
Todd was getting a weird vibe from this. Very weird. "Um, baby, are you SURE they didn't know we were coming?"
"I don't know!" she snapped, also getting antsy from the eerie silence. "Maybe they're just not home."
"But they have to be home! This is when we're supposed to murder them!" Todd sounded almost hurt.
Jane sighed. "Just keep looking! If they're not here we'll just wait for them."
"But...um, sweetie..." Todd glanced nervously back and forth, rubbing his knees together.
"What?!"
"I have to go!"
Jane facepalmed. "Why didn't you think of it before we came over here?"
"Well, I didn't have to go THEN!"
"Fine, FINE. Then use their bathroom and make it quick. I'll keep a lookout."
"Thanks sexy," Todd winked and ran for the door. But there he came up on another hurdle: the door wouldn't open. It wouldn't budge a centimeter, let alone an inch. He'd hadn't felt a bathroom locked up so tightly since that morning after the Zon served green hamburger.
"Um, Jane..."
"Now what?"
"It's locked."
She pulled her gun instinctively. "I thought nobody was in here!"
"I don't know, I just know it's locked!"
They put their ears up against the wood and listened. It was quiet. Almost too quiet.
"No one's in there," Jane shook her head. "Let's just break the f*cker down, okay?"
"Both of us?"
"I have to go too now!" snapped the homicidal love of his love. "It's your fault, you keep talking about it."
Todd held up his hands. "Okay okay, let's not argue. Save our energy for the victims. Ready? On three!"
As they assaulted the entrance, it became evident that this door had not been opened in months, let alone hours. It had swollen and stiffened in the frame. An aging paint job flaked off the corners and into their faces as they pushed and kicked. The knob was stiff as a drum, and the wood itself was hard and unyielding. Whoever had sealed this room up, they didn't want it opening again.
"F*ck it, let's just use the downstairs," Jane groaned, wiping sweat from her forehead. "...Todd?"
He had disappeared. She heard him coming back up the stairs, though. He appeared at the landing armed with a gleaming axe. "NO bathroom..." He started chopping at the wood. "Keeps out..." Finally he began to separate the deadbolt from the rest of it. "TODD IANUZZI"!
"I guess you were potty-trained pretty well, huh?" his wife chuckled.
Finally the door splintered open. The two killers leaned forward in anticipation...then reeled backward as if stricken, holding their noses and choking profusely. The smell was unspeakable-almost indescribable, like some profoundly incontinent wild animal had been chained up inside...and if it had been imprisoned with any soap or toilet paper or functional plumbing, those halcyon days were long gone.
It was so bad they dropped their guns just to cover their noses.
"Oh my God," Jane gasped.
"JESUS!" Todd retched into his hands. "What kinda messed-up house does your friend live in anyway-"
"HI, KIDS." a hoarse, traumatized, yet familiar voice whispered.
The man stepped slowly out into the hall. Above a pair of worn-out socks and dirty polka-dot boxer shorts, a tattered suit coat hung off his upper body. His brown hair was wild and shaggy, reaching the middle of his back, complimented by some truly atrocious mutton-chop sideburns. He clutched a wrinkled, fading Teenage Superstars magazine in one hand, a large toilet plunger in the other. There were bright red streaks all over his face and chest which brought to mind war paint or even blood, but upon closer inspection would have been identified as expired makeup.
"FREE," the man rasped. "Finally I'm free..."
"M-Mr. Morgendorffer?" a bug-eyed Jane stammered, still covering her nose.
"The HELL?" Todd added, trying to be helpful.
He seemed to look straight through them. "Something happens to a man when he's stuck in a bathroom without toilet paper. Something...terrible. I read this article about the Olsen Twins eighteen times. They had to lock me up. I was getting too dangerous. Too out of control. Didn't feel SAFE around me, they said! WHY was Daria stuck at that GODDAMN PARADE for so long?! GAAAAHHHHH!"
Hie opened his eyes again and seemed to recognize Jane for the first time.
"Wait. I know. I think it was...YOU."
Jane and Todd prepared to kill-only to discover they'd dropped their guns out of reach. As the grim events inevitably proceeded from there, they realized they never knew you could be slowly beaten to death with a soiled toilet plunger.
You learned something new every day.
