SCENE V: Cousin It's Room

Cousin It is taking a nap with a musket by his side and a framed photo of Ophelia by his night-table. Morticia knocks on the door and enters, her lithe frame forced to bend to ender the tiny attic room.

MORTICIA: It? May I come in?

IT: bewbrwberbwbhew!

MORTICIA: Cousin It forgive my intrusion – but I must speak with you! It's Gomez.

IT: bwreeekjnjk! Iiittlekellladadlaleep!

MORTICIA: Yes, It, I know it's Valentine's Day. I'm sorry for you to see me in such a state It –

Morticia sinks onto the edge of his bed and starts to dab her eyes with her black handkerchief.

IT: gjslgkjhdgkjdf!!

MORTICIA: I don't know anymore It. He's not the same man. I always thought those long midnight walks after zen-yogi were for his brain fever! Perhaps all this time he was having rendezvous with another woman!

IT: dgjgksejgker!

It takes hold of the gun by his side and aims it as if to shoot. Morticia snatches it away.

MORTICIA: Thank you It, but no. I couldn't bear to dent a bountiful head of hair on his head! (dabs her eyes again) You know he threw out my dresses?

IT: dkjhslkjfhersknjg!!

MORTICIA: Yes, it's true! He and Fester were talking of 'getting rid of the old and replacing it with the new.'

IT: SGKLSFGJHDK!!!

MORTICIA: Don't you see?

IT: gkhfglkghlkd!

MORTICIA: No I suppose you don't. But I do! My eyes are open now – the walks, the dresses, treating me today as if I were a piece of furniture instead of his wife – Gomez plans to kill me off and marry his secret lover!

IT: kjhglkjhdglkjfhgd!!!

MORTICIA: I know it sounds preposterous It but it's the only thing that makes sense. Oh It! Even knowing what I know I can't bear to give him up! What am I to do?

IT: slkfgjheslkjr!!!

MORTICIA: Win him back? How? With his heart longing for another woman?

MORTICIA: Take a lover? It! Can't you see my very soul is tortured by Gomez?

IT: sgtrkhjlrkjnhjrk!

MORTICIA: Ah! How clever of you Cousin It. I should have known you would think of something. You're such a wise, cultured man of the world.

IT: (It nods in agreement) fgkjdrkgjerlt!!!

MORTICIA: But who? What man could come close to boiling Gomez's blood into a murderous rage? What man could compare to my darling bubula?

IT: Eglekjgkjrwhrkj!!

MORTICIA: Don Juan? Why yes, I suppose you're right. He is reputed to be the greatest lover in the world. But how would I get in touch with such a man, on today of all days? He probably has every hour booked!

IT: Gkgkfjglkjgwer!

MORTICIA: The telephone book? Why yes I hadn't thought of that. You know It I'm surprised a suave Casanova such as yourself would be sitting at home on the most romantic day in the world. Haven't you a date?

IT: Tlghesliguehgl!

MORTICIA: You do? With an actress? With three actresses? My my aren't we the busy boy?

IT: Ekdgdklgjlllk!

Morticia and It scan through the yellow pages. Morticia calls up Don Juan and waits expectantly for a reply as if making an appointment to the doctor.

MORTICIA: Hello. Mr Don Juan? Yes. This is Morticia Addams speaking….