Chapter 4: Still Caught up in the Past
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The sorrow which has no vent in tears may make other organs weep. ~Henry Maudsley
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Quite a while it had been since she woke up from her state of unconsciousness, she's been lying in bed idle for half an hour. Realization of the previous night had eventually sunken in into her lightheaded mind a while after waking up. Kai was gone, and there was this strange empty feeling inside of her that seemed to be sucking her in, something she hadn't experienced since Kai had reappeared in her life again.
At first she had trouble realizing where she was, she had expected to find herself in the passenger seat of a car, but instead she was in comfortable bed covered up to her neck in blanket, with a wash cloth on her forehead. In a room that was vaguely familiar to her even in the darkness which was partially illuminated by a small amount of light seeping through the fabric of the drawn curtains.
She knew now that she was in Tyson's room on the first floor of the dojo, the only room other than Grandpa and Hiro's which had a bed. How she got there was still a mystery to her. The rest of her former team mates were up as well, it was not hard to notice that they were up and about and going through their daily routines. Their laughter was infiltrating the sweet silence of her grey world and she wanted the interference to end. She wanted to be alone with her thoughts with no inviting distractions.
As time passed more light begins to filter in through the light colored curtains and Hiromi resorted to shutting her eyes to keep the light from illuminating her world.
The sound of a door creaking open reached her ears and Hiromi cracked open both eyes to see Tyson peaking through the barely open door. He grinned sheepishly when he realized that she had caught him watching her. Entering the room he silently shut the door behind him, ceasing the flow of daylight entering through the partially open door.
He walked over to her and the first thing he did was pick the drenched warm cloth from her temple and soaking it in a bowl of water she hadn't noticed was present on the bedside table, wrung it till it was no longer dripping and then placed it back on her forehead.
Hiromi closed her eyes as the cool fabric made contact with her skin making a shiver run up her spine. It was only then she realized that she was drenched in sweat and feeling far too warm for her own comfort. The desire to take off the blanket crossed her mind, but she didn't employ it, not wanting to get rid of the safe feeling that the warm covers provided.
"You had a fever." Tyson explained watching Hiromi wipe off a sheet of sweat from her neck and jaw.
Hiromi blinked at him. "Oh," she stated sheepishly at a lack of anything better to say moving her hand back to rest in her lap.
Tyson dragged a chair from the corner of the room and placing it next to the bed sat down on it. He wasn't sure how to start the conversation so it wouldn't get steered in the wrong direction, since Hiromi had been quite defensive lately and any slip of the tongue would probably result in her getting offended.
"How did I get here?" Hiromi asked, suspiciously looking at her surrounding.
"Garland saw you in your car." Tyson answered trying to keep the details to a minimum.
Hiromi repeated, "Oh." Silently she made a pledge to thank Garland for all his consideration and regard. She was a mess and she was lucky to have all these people watching out for her, who knows where she would be if they weren't there looking out for her wellbeing.
"How come you went out with him?" Tyson asked out of curiosity. He was happy to hear that his friend taken a step back into normal life, but knowing how the night ended it seemed that she had taken two steps back before the day ended.
Hiromi pursed her lips and stared at the ceiling. She wanted to curl into a ball and sleep, not start this discussion again with Tyson. "I just wanted to try socializing a bit more."
"That's actually good," The dragoon wielder told her earnestly. "And last night was just a minor setback, things will get eventually better. So, when are you going out with Garland next?"
Blinking at Tyson's words Hiromi drew a deep breath. "Tyson," she started jadedly, "this was strictly just a one time thing. And last night proved that I'm not ready to go out."
The words sounded senseless to Tyson's ears and made him angry at Hiromi. He had been avoiding the main question till right now waiting for Hiromi to open up himself, but this was getting pointless, since she wasn't willing to talk. Did she intend on spending her life locked up in her room? And more importantly, why the hell did she faint in the car?
This was the unhealthiest way he had seen someone deal with the death of a loved one!
Hiromi was his closest friend and he wanted her to get out of this loop she was trapped in. She needed to get her normal life back, and her lack of interest in wanting to do so, and obsession with clinging to the past, to the point of what apparently seemed now as insanity, was frustrating him to say the least. "What are you trying to do then?" he shot angrily, his hands gripping the sides of the chair. "What are you trying to accomplish by isolating yourself like this?"
His old coach flinched on hearing the harshness of his words.
"My life, Tyson! If I say I'm not ready to move on, I'm not ready to move on!" she paused to take a breath glaring at him all the while. "I tried listening to you, did you see what happened as a consequence?"
Tyson's mouth hung indignation. "Exactly what I'm saying, what the hell happened last night?" he seethed out, his face showing his frustration. "You fainted in the middle of a parking lot! You really need to start getting over Kai and getting back into normal life!"
"That happened because I was forcing myself to do something I didn't want to." Hiromi shouted. She was sitting down now glaring straight at Tyson, the cloth had fallen down from her forehead into her lap.
"What do you want?" Tyson growled grinding his teeth. "and tell me, why the hell did you faint?"
"I want my life to get back to normal!" she yelled fisting her hands into balls. "And if it can't turn back to normal, I want to spend it not forcing myself to do things I'm not ready to do again!"
Her voice broke at that point and she looked away from the boy. The adrenaline leaving her body was making her feel guilty for directing her anger at Tyson who was just trying to be helpful.
"I'm sorry," Tyson offered dismally. "I crossed some lines back there, and I shouldn't have."
"Stop," she pleaded. Hiromi didn't want him to making her more guilty. This wasn't his fault, it wasn't hers either, it was just cruel fate who kept messing everything up. "It's not your fault." she told him.
Tyson hesitated before continuing. "I want you to know that I'm here for you and it's a fact that you can't change. No matter where you are and how stupid you act, I'm gonna be standing beside you."
Hiromi gave him a half smile.
"Let's talk about something else, okay?" Tyson suggested smiling a sheepish smile replacing the cloth on her forehead after soaking it in water once, before leaning back in his chair a happy go lucky grin on his face. It was time to let go of Hiromi, she had to deal with this herself, it was clear to him now he was making things worse with his pushiness. He should be supporting her not opposing and blaming her.
Hiromi smiled another half smile. "Sure."
"Tell me something, then," Tyson chuckled
Hiromi smiled. "My life's been same old, same old. Fainting in a car and being carried here by a hot BEGA blader has been the highlight of my year." she grinned ear to ear
There was a genuine laugh from Tyson. "And you call that same old, same old?"
She chuckled in response. "How about you tell me everything?" she smirked at the capped blader in front of her.
There was a sudden flicker on the opposite side of the room. Tyson did not notice anything off, but Hiromi's neck whipped in the direction of the spark reflexively, for a moment she thought she saw something, she blinked and it was gone.
Tyson followed her line of sight and stared across the room. "Everything okay?" he frowned.
Hiromi shook her head absently. "It's nothing," she mumbled, shifting a little downward in the bed so that she was no longer leaning against the headboard.
Tyson continued speaking once more, he was talking in general now; about all that he had been up to these days, there were subtle hints for her to follow his lead and begin indulging more interestedly in life for a second time, but he wasn't being assertive and for that Hiromi was glad, his main purpose was just to cheer her up and distract her. The more he spoke the more he felt the air of the room clear, and the tension between them, lighten.
His words were like a ringing in her ear as she watched his face and the movement of his lips and the actions of his hands as he spoke enthusiastically solely with the purpose of cheering her up. Her brain wasn't even willing to try and decipher what he way saying. All she could hear were Kai's words drifting through her mind; words and memories she were trying to hold on to desperately in fear of them being the only thing left with her to remind her of Kai.
On the other side of the room the boy in her mind watched her resignedly as she tried futilely to pay somewhat attention to Tyson's words as he wasted time trying to cheer her up.
"You want me to get you anything?" Tyson asked suddenly, interrupting his tale of a battle with Daichi.
Hiromi shook her head. "I'm good."
"Alright," the younger Granger nodded. "I guess I should leave you to rest now."
"You can stay," Hiromi offered smiling halfheartedly. She didn't want him to stay, but she didn't want the him, and the comfort and peace of mind his presence to leave either.
Standing up from his seat, the boy inclined his head towards the door. "It's been a while since I've been in here, you need your rest."
Hiromi nodded and gave an imperceptible sigh.
"See ya, later, 'Romi," he told her, turning his head to face her one last time.
Hiromi affirmed watching Tyson as he turned the handle of the door, "of course."
"Take it easy now, kay?" he called out one last time before closing the door behind him leaving Hiromi alone once more.
She was alone again, her thoughts and fears were beginning to haunt her all over again. It was only a little while, before the claustrophobia like what she experienced in the car was began to creep on her again, and she was feeling the thoughts in her mind and the walls around her closing in on her slowly and slowly.
Pulling the cover up to her chest and folding her arms across it Hiromi lied on her back staring straight directly in front of her, trying to concentrate on the old picture of the boys after Russian world champs on the writing table, in front of which Kai was sitting on a chair watching her wearily unbeknownst to her.
Now that Tyson was gone Kai decided it was time to come to light once more, he didn't want Hiromi to fret anymore than she had already had to.
He materialized in front of her, and Hiromi felt her breath get caught in her throat.
"You're here," she gasped staring at him aghast trying to sit back up. Her heart just might have stopped for a second. She had supposed that he was probably gone for good.
"Iā¦" he trailed off hesitantly taking uncertain steps towards her. "I don't know what happened. I don't know how I disappeared and where I was when I was gone."
Hiromi stared at him desperately as he paused to run a hand through his untidy blue hair.
"All I know is when I came back you were," he paused for a second as his face screwed up in reminiscence, "screaming in your car. I tried to get your attention, but you couldn't see me."
Kai finished his explanation and took a seat on the bed next to her. His body was in contact with hers, but yet neither one of them could feel the existence of another being, just the warmth of a presence. Seeing Hiromi hyperventilating in the car and not being able to help, it was the most terrifying thing he had experienced.
Few minutes passed in silence with the former captain and coach of the Bladebreaker's staring at each other wearily and desperately as if this moment was the last they had. It wasn't. Though it might have been one of the lasts."
"So," Hiromi said after a while of silence looking down shyly, "what happens now?"
Kai's fingers which were running through Hiromi's hair stopped in mid stroke; his hand made its way down to hers and gripped it in a vice grip. If only she could feel the touch more than just the warmth of its presence. "I've disappeared like that three more times since I turned back up in the drive way of the restaurant. Each time I don't have a clue of where I was when I return, as if I didn't even exist."
Hiromi looked at him vulnerably at a loss of what to say. Tyson's words that she'd been ignoring begin to make sense to her once more, she couldn't live in isolation, yet the thought of being without Kai seemed much worse. And right now when it looked like Kai was leaving, she had nothing else to turn back to anymore either.
"You tell me," Kai proposed quietly. "I would leave the second you honestly want me to. What happens now, do you want me to stay?"
"No," she hissed frantically her eyes staring at him terrified. "I didn't mean what I said at last night. I want you to stay, stay with me as long as you can. Don't leave, please."
She was beginning to hyperventilate again and Kai was beginning to panic seeing her like this. "Shh," he murmured, running his fingers through her hair again and clasping one hand in his own overlooking the detail that she couldn't feel him. "Shh, it's alright. Don't worry I'm here and I'm not leaving you."
As his words sunk in Hiromi took a deep breath and leaned back until she was completely flat on her back. Closing her eyes, she muttered, "I need help."
"What's going to happen when you leave, you can't leave me again!" Hiromi tried to clasp Kai's hand, but all she could feel was thin air. "I can't live alone like this!"
Maybe if he hadn't been so distant with her when he was really there, alive, and had talked to her, let her know how he felt and how important she was to him, she wouldn't be suffering now. Had he told her all that she wanted to hear and all that was that he wanted to say maybe they would both be in peace right now. Hurting, but maybe not as anxious and frightened like they were now, holding onto each other and not willing to let go, just because they were so many things that were left unsaid and undone.
If only he hadn't been so self absorbed and realized that the most important thing wasn't being the best, he could have had a peaceful life and now a peaceful after life. Now that there was nothing left to do, and no chance to change anything, the thing, which had mattered the most he realized wasn't how many championships he won, or how many times he had defeated Brooklyn or Tyson, but this girl next to him who was suffering on his accord who he had always put second in his priority list before, just because he thought that they had time, and neither of them were going anywhere.
It turned out he was wrong.
They were on borrowed time, even were now. And now that he had realized that, trying to make amends to her was what was most imperative, and it maybe would have not been even necessary if he had realized this from the start, he couldn't help feel responsible for everything.
If there was nothing left to be said or done, no remorse at all, unlike now when there relationship or whatever it was they had was nothing but a list of regrets, maybe his demise wouldn't have hit her so hard and she would have been able to get back on track with life.
He was going to fix all of this. He might have made mistakes while he was alive, but now being pulled away from all that he had, he had gotten time to put things into perspectives. He was going to get things right with Hiromi, so this time when he would leave ā for good ā Hiromi wouldn't isolate herself filled with regret, she would be contented with all they had while he was there with her, sad at him no longer being with her, but still happy for their being no regrets between them.
He would set her free and get her to move on. He owed her a life free of guilt and regret after all that he had put her through over the years.
"Don't worry," Kai whispered in a resolved voice, "I'm not going anywhere for now. We'll figure this out together."
Hiromi looked at him helplessly.
"I promise you." He placed a hand on her eyes, hinting for her to try and get some rest.
Hiromi closed her eyes instinctually. "You won't leave, will you?"
"I'll be right here next to you," he continued running his fingers in the strands of hair once more. He had expected his old coach to get better over the days he spent with her, but here she was clinging to him all the more and getting worse and worse day by day. He was at blame here too, he didn't want to leave just as much as she didn't want him to go.
Kai's action was making her drowsy, the continuous motion making her more and more dozy by the second. The toll of the previous night and the confrontations and hysteria of this morning in midst of the fever that only seemed to be raging was finally also beginning to take a toll on her. She was murmuring inaudibly now, pleading for Kai to not leave still trying to get a grasp on his free hand to have confirmation of his presence, forgetting that she could not touch him.
The warmth of his presence next to hers however, signified that he was indeed right there leaning against her frail frame. It gave her comfort and reassurance and she eventually drifted into a somewhat serene sleep under Kai's no-longer-absent watchful gaze.
It took two minutes for her to get completely doze off. Kai drew back his hands and leaning down placed his lips on her forehead. Somehow he knew that she would know. With that last gesture he got up from the bed and away from Hiromi who unconsciously tried to search for the familiarly comfortable warmth that had disappeared and slowly flickered away.
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Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
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AN: Thank you to Kitty Chandelle for reviewing the last chapter. We'll probably be moving onto humor from the next. :P Hope everyone enjoyed this. xD Please review. ^^
Second last day of summer. How did these almost-five months disappear. O.o It seems like yesterday that exams ended.
12:57 p.m. 1st September, 2012.
