Chapter 4: Zusammen

I still regret doing it to this very day, but it's not something I can undo without the possibility of something much worse happening. Plus, even if I'm able to undo it, I wouldn't have the slightest idea how. I only live in the present – to my knowledge, I can't move through time. Anything short of that, however, is fully within my whim. This is why when I saw Shinji… I couldn't help myself. I'd never seen him so upset, not even when I died. This hurt a little, but I tried to ignore it. Back then, all I wanted was for him to be happy. That's it! I thought she would make him happy, so I did what I thought I had to do. I was so stupid…

-Five Years Ago-

-Asuka's Place, Shinji's Mind-

Either I'm not very observant or I jump to conclusions far too quickly. I could have sworn her chest wasn't rising in a breathing motion before, but after I started looking at her more deeply from across the room, it was apparent she was breathing. Hell, she was doing more than breathing – she was sitting up in bed looking at me as if I was crazy. Maybe I just had a bad dream… but it was so real! I'm not stupid, I checked her pulse before freaking out… she was cold as stone!

"What?" she spoke through half open eyes, and even with the horrible appearance she's dawned on herself, I could still see the old Asuka in there. She was still looking down at me as if I said something stupid, and we were back at Misato's, "Did I do something?"

"N-No, I just had a nightmare, sorry," with as much dignity as I could muster, I crawl back into bed and take her into my arms, exactly as before. She didn't reject me in the least – if anything, she helped it along, "I'll move in."

"What?" she wasn't asking in disbelief, she genuinely didn't hear what I said. When I spoke, I said it with such softness in my voice that even I could barely hear it.

"I said I'll move here. But only if you get help first. I can't see you like this, so I'll do anything to help," she adjusted slightly in my arms, clearly uncomfortable in her own skin or at the situation itself, "Well?" it took her what seemed like an eternity to respond.

"I… haven't slept with anyone, by the way. Or done anything more than a dance, for that matter. I bought the drugs with my money, not through favors," it seemed irrelevant to my proposal, but at least now I know, "So when we get back home, I don't want you telling Misato anything outside of what you know for a fact. Just…" she curled up slightly, "Just please don't yell at me. And don't let her. I've had enough of that in my own mind," I'm glad she couldn't see my face, because I'm sure I looked like a fool smiling as hard as I was.

"Yeah," I hug her as best as I could, "I promise."

She held up to her word, and in turn, I held up to mine. Within an hour of our conversation, we had her clothes packed and were walking back to Misato's apartment. Her appearance got more than a few looks – everyone recognized her as the second child, after all – but thankfully no one said anything to us like they normally do. I was forced to carry all three large bags on a single arm the whole way; I wasn't about to let her carry them in her state, and she was equally likely to let go of my other hand. Getting to the apartment was the easy part… actually getting her in was an entirely different story. I felt like I was luring a dog into their cage with treats. I kept promising her everything would be okay, and that she could go right in to her room and go to sleep. Hell, I even offered to cook her breakfast (a treat of sorts, no?). I think the only reason she was hesitant was because we both saw Misato's car in the parking lot, and she was scared straight of that woman. Eventually, however, promises of a warm breakfast and a hot shower lured her into the home. As fate would have it, Misato was in the chair facing the door like a mother in a movie about to yell 'Where have you been all night?'. I'm sure she would have said something along those lines if she hadn't seen Asuka. They made eye contact for the briefest of moments.

"Hey, look who I found," I tried to lighten the situation. Stupid Shinji. A look of pure anger, even more than what Asuka was capable of, rushed over her as she stood up and stormed in front of the girl, "There's no need to be mad, she's fine, so," I was cut off by the piercing sound of a hand meeting Asuka's cheek. Misato just stood there after slapping her, staring down at the girl with hatred I've never seen before. Asuka… was a statue. She was still staring at the floor at Misato's feet, and her head barely moved at the assault. Just as I took the breath to defend her, Misato took her into a deep hug, and Asuka began crying into her chest. Needless to say, she let go of my hand and fully embraced the mother figure in front of her.

"You're safe now, it's okay," Misato stroked her hair as she rested her head on top of Asuka's. I could have sworn I saw tears start to form in her eyes, but they closed off any emotion to the outside world. I spent all night trying to reason what went on, and I'm still at a complete loss. Misato slapped Asuka harder than I've ever seen, and now they're hugging like they're related by blood. Women…

I excused myself and put Asuka's bag in her room. We left it exactly as she left it – a complete mess. She always seemed to be at home in the clutter, though; there weren't food wrappers or anything sprawled about, just clothes and boxes that never quite found their rightful place. I think she'll be happy with it. With a smile, I grab a clean t-shirt and shorts, set them in the bathroom along with a fresh towel, and go into the kitchen to hold up on my promise of breakfast. They were in Misato's room at this point, and I could hear them talking – and Asuka occasionally sobbing – but the important part was that she was home. By the time I finished making the simple breakfast of eggs, bacon, and toast, the talking had completely ceased. In fact, all noises stopped… as if they left. I could see a glimmer of light coming from under the door, so I knew that wasn't the case, but why were they so quiet?

"She fell asleep," I jump to the point of dropping my spatula at Misato's voice. The sliding glass window was wide open as she stared out at the city… how did I miss that? "But she's okay. Hurt, but okay."

"What… did you talk about?" she fiddled with the beer in her hands, dangling it over the ledge. She still refused to make eye contact with me.

"It's not my place to tell you. She'll open up when she's ready," a deadly silence fell over us. So Asuka wasn't telling me the whole story… I should have expected as much. She doesn't see me the way I see her, and that's fine. I'm not mad at her for it – in fact, I don't blame her, "Just keep it G rated with her for a while."

"Misato, w-we don't…" I trailed off. I completely forgot she already knew!

"Shinji," she turned her head slightly and looked at me through the corner of her eye, "Don't play with me right now, I'm not in the mood. I'm serious. You don't know what she could have," oh God… so she was… I'm going to vomit.

"Y-Yeah…" a month alone and she does all this? What the hell happened to her? I can't believe this! "Misato?"

"Hm?" she went back to staring at the city.

"What… what am I supposed to do? I want to help her, but," I didn't even know what to say. Yes, there was a 'but', however, I don't know what came after that. I don't even know if she wants my help!

"You don't do anything. Be there for her, that's all you can do. Don't force yourself, she's had enough of people doing that. She ran off for a reason Shinji, don't forget that. Neither one of us knows why, but in her mind, the reasoning was solid. If she wants you to hold her, hold her. If she wants you to stay away, stay away. If she goes to walk out again, tackle her to the floor," I couldn't help but let out an awkward smile, "You'll figure it out. Just be careful."

"Of what? She didn't seem violent with me before."

"That's not what I mean," she took a sip of her beer, "The girl loves you, Shinji. At least she thinks she does, and that's all that matters," later, I realized just how casual about all this she was seeming, but at the moment I was overtaken, "That's why I said keep it G rated. At least take the relationship slow. I know you've probably already done everything short of sleeping with her, but just start over. No need to hurry and be grown up," that last sentence seemed to depress her a little, "How's breakfast coming?"

-Present-

-Rei's Mind-

"No, I understand, it's fine. You don't have an obligation, don't apologize," the man some would say I stalk spoke to an old friend, Toji, over the phone, "I don't need you there, really, I'm fine," I have to admit, he looked pretty handsome in that suit. Today, he and a group of friends were going to pay their respects to an old friend at her grave. Everyone was supposed to go: Hikari and Toji (and their baby), Kensuke, Gendo, Ritsuko, Misato, even Maya. One by one, they all canceled plans for one reason or another. At least, they told him about their 'one reason or another'… the fact of the matter is that Hikari can't even think about her without crying, Toji, Kensuke, and Gendo all couldn't care less, Ritsuko was glad the girl was gone, Misato had to work (her excuse was genuine), and Maya… well, Maya didn't even know Asuka outside of a computer monitor.

"Another visit alone?" I speak to him, though in reality, I'm just talking to myself. This was the second time this has happened, and I'm sure Shinji was going to stop inviting people. He sighed deeply as he hung up the cell phone.

"Just me and you again, huh Pocket?" he straightened his solid black tie in the mirror. Heh… Pocket… I always thought that was kind of cute. I have to give it credit to the man, he's been visiting her grave a lot longer than I anticipated. It's been what, a full year now? He visits every month, and every month he leaves flowers that some punk kids invariably end up stealing before the sun even sets.

"You never came up with a name for me. How about Mater?" I chuckle at the slight amount of wit I threw in, "Fitting, if you ask me," of course, he didn't respond as he left the house. The drive was a long and lonely one, but far from silent. The car stereo blasted some power metal ballad from the eighties as he attempted to numb his thoughts. I wasn't inside him, but I knew it failed.

"Miss me?" he sat beside her tombstone with a smile, setting her flowers up perfectly on the two-inch-thick slab of rock, "Nothing's really new with work. I still have to pick out the health care plan for them. Yeah, I know, it was supposed to be done last month. Don't ride me," he spoke through a half smile as if she was sitting right in front of him, hanging on his every word, "You'll be happy to know Misato finally convinced me to get a degree. Nothing special, just business administration, but I'll get a huge raise with it. But you know what? I'm beginning to think about pulling out before starting. Why bother, you know?" wait, what? When did he change his mind? See what happens when I don't invade people's thoughts? I get left out of the loop!

"When we get home, I'll figure it out and change your mind. So help me God, you're going to college!" Jesus, I really do sound like a mother.

"But this is going to be the last time I visit. I'm sure you already knew that, though," good, it's about time he broke away from her. This isn't healthy in the least, "I'm sorry, don't be mad, but you know why I have to do it. Don't worry though, I'm sure we'll meet up eventually," as far as I know, no you won't. Humans and their dreams… he stands up, still wearing that smile, and kisses the top of her headstone, "Take care of yourself, okay Pocket? Love you," with a final pat of the stone, he walked off.

-Five Years Ago-

-Misato's Place, Asuka's Mind-

"No! It's not hard, Shinji! Look, when it's a command, the verb goes first. When it's a statement, the verb goes second," he sat huddled over the piece of paper scrawled with Latin alphabet letters and few extra thrown in that the Germans decided were necessary, "And your endings are all wrong. What you wrote is 'The girl is running home' just fine, but you're essentially saying that she's a group of people. You put a plural ending on the verb!"

"Fine then, how about this?" I could tell he was trying to be sweet the instant he began writing – however, I also saw he was wrong right away. How dense is he? This language is supposed to be easy!

"Nice try, but wrong. You said 'Ich liebt er', but what you meant to say is 'Ich liebe dich'. Romantic gestures aren't romantic if you call me a man in the process," he finally gave up and rested his head on the table. It's been three full weeks, and we've barely spoken about anything that happened, as if it was all just a dream. I kept true to my promise about teaching him German, but that's starting to wear me absolutely dry. I can tell he genuinely wants to learn another language – you can hardly call the English lessons in school a new language if they don't ever talk about conjugation – but I think it's just over his head. He barely speaks Japanese for God sake! It's not even my native tongue and I constantly hear him mess up on tenses.

"You got the point, that's all that matters," she spoke with a muffled voice through the wood grain on the table, "Can we call it quits for today? I'm done with this," he looks up at me with those puppy-dog eyes, and I just couldn't help myself.

"Wimp," I close up my old books from home and lean back, "But yeah, sure. Listen, I'm going to shower, I'll be out in a bit," with a yawn, I stand up and head towards my room to gather some clean clothes. Even though I was barely gone a full month, I've had some trouble adjusting back to this life for some reason. I was constantly alone before, which had its upsides and downsides, but now I'm almost never alone. I suppose the silver lining on that is that I'm never quite far from Shinji.

When I got home, he took care of me like I was a baby bird. He cooked for me, cleaned for me, even read school material to me, and of course with that came the natural progression of things. You can't really blame me for falling for him in the state I was in. What you can blame me for is staying with him, and even that I'm not entirely too sure about. After two weeks of childish flirting, holding hands, and even a peck every now and then, he finally got the nerve to ask me on a real date. It was far from anything special, but certainly special emotionally.

I followed Misato's advice from a week after I got back and avoided too much physical contact with him beyond kissing or holding hands. Hell, I haven't even really kissed him just to be safe. I'm sure he doesn't know why I'm doing it, and he's probably hurt about it, but I just can't bring myself to tell him and I absolutely refuse to put him in danger. I have no idea why my test results are taking so long to get back… actually, you know what? Yes I do. All my testing was done by, of course, Nerv, so the results have probably been handed around like they're nothing. I don't care though, I never even see those people anymore.

My body is just recently recovering from the binge. The trail marks on my arm have faded for the most part, but I can still see an extremely faint glimmer of them. This doesn't bother me, because no one would ever notice unless I pointed them out. The rest of me though… Jesus. I've always been skinny, but only eating twice a week wreaked havoc on my figure. I was far from one of those Ethiopian children you see on television, but my ribs and hip bones were clearly visible. I got my figure back slowly throughout two weeks, and at this point, I'm completely back to normal. I got a haircut to keep it the length I want, I finally got outside and tanned a little, and I'm no longer one of those freaky anorexic girls. No, the old Asuka was back…

Well, at least in appearance.

Even people I never spoke to, Toji for example, mentioned to me how I changed after my 'trip to Germany'. I don't have the slightest clue what's different about me, but people have made it quite clear that I'm much more tamed and reserved than I used to be. I suppose they're right if I think about it, but nothing that dramatic in my opinion. What can they expect? Having that attitude drives away clients. God… I really do hate myself. For the first week, I strongly, strongly contemplated suicide. One day, it even got to the point of me standing on a chair with a noose around my neck. For some reason, I never found the courage to kick out the chair. I must have stood there for over an hour… thank God Misato or Shinji didn't see me.

"Maybe I should tell him," I whisper to myself in an attempt to convince my own mind of the right thing to do. I'm half way done with the shower, and I still haven't come to a conclusion of whether or not to tell him the whole story. I owe it to him, don't I? To my knowledge, I know everything about him, so… yeah, he deserves it. I won't blame him if he wants to leave – I wouldn't stay with me either.

"Welcome back," he spoke as he 'read' through one of the German books.

"We need to talk," damn, why did I sound so cold? He went to turn around, and I cut him off, "No, don't look at me. Just… not yet, hold on," I sit down on the sofa and stare at the blank television. I don't want him to see me, and I don't want to see him. It'll be like I'm talking to thin air.

"Are you okay?"

"There's a reason I haven't really kissed you or gone beyond that. I'm trying to protect you," I can't get these words out… it's like I coughing up boulders, "There's," I knew this wasn't going to be easy, "There's a chance that… that I might have something," complete silence, "I should be getting my test back soon," still nothing, "I'm sorry I didn't tell you," talk to me! "Shinji?"

"I didn't know you could catch something from a lap dance," I seriously almost vomited at his stabbing words, "Sorry, I didn't mean that. I'm just annoyed at the whole situation. You don't have to tell me anything unless you feel comfortable," how could I possibly feel comfortable after he just took a jab at me? "Can… I come over there?"

"Yeah," I whispered softly, but he heard me. As if he was approaching a tiger, he walked over and put an arm around my shoulders, "You know I'm here for you if you need help, right?" I stare at the coffee table as I nod, "I mean, I don't care if it's three in the morning. If you need something, just come get me," once again, I nod.

"I'm still a virgin," that sounded ten times more subtle in my head… "I mean… I never slept with anyone. I swear," I want to tell him so badly, but I just can't. I can't even think about it without wanting to vomit, "I got tested because I'm not sure if the needles I used were clean," half truth is better than no truth.

"That's fine. If it turns out you have something, we'll work through it together, but I'm sure you're fine. There's really nothing you could have caught that can't be treated, so it's just a waiting game," how ignorant is he? Even if he's trying to make me feel better, that's still one hell of a stupid statement, "Okay?"

"Yeah," I rest my head on his shoulder, "Okay. But even when I get better, I want to take what we have slow. What we were doing before didn't have a relationship behind it, but now it's different. Too much too soon ruins things, you know?" he took my hand in his, and it was all the answer I needed, "Thanks."

"No problem."

The rest of the night went on like this. Small, awkward conversations consisting of forced words and emotions. We never made eye contact after I got out of the shower, and that was for very good reason – I was ashamed, and I'm sure he was disgusted. Misato came home with the results and, thank God, I'm completely clean. Not even a case of the cold, nothing at all. I couldn't stop myself from hugging her. The two of us have gotten extremely close since I got back, and it feels amazing. I haven't had someone care for me as much as this since… well, since my mother. A decade without love is a hard thing to go through. Though, I wouldn't call it love… I'd call it strong nurturing. She knows that I'm still hurt – probably woman's intuition – and she acts accordingly. I'm extremely thankful for that.

Oddly enough, I think Pen-Pen can sense it too. This bird is a hell of a lot smarter than I initially gave it credit for! He follows me almost everywhere when he's awake, and I'm sure he'd sleep in my bed if he didn't have to be in the cooler. In fact, one time when I was home alone, I started to cry and he dragged over a tissue box next to my feet with his beak. That takes some serious reasoning – many young humans wouldn't make that connection. Needless to say, I gave him a full can of tuna afterwards.

But tonight, I have no such company, but I have the emotions. I'm not sobbing or weeping like a child, I just have my face buried in the pillow, and I'm letting the tears run. It's not like I can do anything else but hurt, and it's better to let this out than it is to bottle it up… yeah, that's the logical standpoint, but the emotional standpoint is that I still hurt like hell. And I don't even know why! All the drugs are out of my system, I'm healthy as can be, and above all, I don't have any infections! But what I succumbed to… I chose to strip. I made that conscious decision, and I don't have anyone to blame but myself. I've somewhat moved on from that, though it's still mortifying – that's supposed to be reserved for someone I love. Someone I care about. Not… that. But no, it's not the stripping that bothers me… God, I just keep seeing him… I should have known better. I did know better, that's what's annoying.

I can't do anything about it now. I just need to move on! There's not so much as a hair out of place on me anymore, so the only scars left are in my mind. Nothing a few months of trying to ignore it can't fix, right? Right.

… right?

I'm not going to lie to myself though. People get hooked on drugs and even start them for a very good reason: they feel good. They feel damn good. I'm still not entirely sure what I took, but it was some sort of depressant. I would do a hit, and just stare at the wall for hours… well, at least until the high wore off. Time tends to get away from you when you're up, and time drags on forever when you're down. God, when Shinji first came over, I barely knew my name. I literally just hit up right before I started the dance, and I can't believe he didn't pick up on it. He probably assumed it was from sleep or food deprivation, but in reality, I've never been higher. That's why I crashed so bad when we went to sleep – the only reason I wanted to go home after eating was because I could feel the drug wearing off, and I knew what was going to happen. I had no idea it would be so bad though… I've never been that cold. I literally felt like I was going to die, and to this day I can't believe that I didn't. But it was nice to have him hold me… really nice. If I would have died, I would have been happy to go in such a manner. In his arms, going to sleep and just never waking up. Heavenly.

But now begs a question that's been eating me more than anything – do I love that boy? He's made it quite clear that he loves me, even if he calls me a man in the process. I'm sure he's taken notice that I haven't said it back to him, there's no doubt about that, but those words… they're powerful. I haven't even thought them in over a decade, and now that I am, I'm starting to get scared. Superficially, yes, I love him. At the most basic definition of the word, I certainly do love him. But what goes along with that? And what does love really mean? I can't be expected to know when I haven't felt it! This isn't some high school crush (okay, yeah, we're freshman, but that's not the point), he's completely serious when he tells me. I can see it in his eyes, almost as if he's never been more serious of anything else in his life. But do I love him? I just don't know anymore…

"Asuka? You awake?" speak of the devil…

"Ja," I prop myself up on my forearms and wipe away the tears with a smile as he enters.

"That means yes, right?" he took notice of my watering eyes, but ignored them.

"Just because you give up doesn't mean I'm going to let you. You're lucky I'm talking to you in Japanese at all," he sat on my bed with a forced smile. We both had the expression on our face, but neither one of us meant it, "You need something?" he put his hand on my back. His touch…

"I'm just checking up on you. You okay?" still smiling, I wipe away another tear. They won't stop coming, damn it!

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. Just letting out frustration, you know? Don't worry about me," I lay back down with my arms crossed, supporting my head as I looked at him, "I'm so annoyed with everything. And I can't change it, that's why I'm like this. But really, I swear I'm fine," he began rubbing my back, and it felt absolutely amazing. He wasn't even doing anything special, it was just… nice.

"But you know you don't have to go through this alone. It's stupid, but when you can't sleep, I can't sleep."

"Careful, too much of that and your teeth will rot. Idiot," it was said with caring, "What, were you listening in on me? I thought I was being quiet."

"No, I couldn't hear you at all, but I just assumed. Need anything from me?" for you to hold me.

"I'm fine, thanks. We have school tomorrow, you should really get to sleep," he leaned down and kissed the back of my head.

"I'll see you in the morning. Night, Asuka," say it! Now!

"Gute Nacht…" he turns around with a smirk, and I smile right back. Just say it! Tell him!

"Ich liebe dich, Asuka," tell him!

I hate myself… I really do…

A/N – Yay for long(er) chapters! Super emotional, this one was. Strong with the force it is. I had quite a bit of time to write lately – the wife is out of the state, school has been easy on me, and I don't have anything better to do. SO! Here's the deal – I haven't gotten a single review for either chapter 2 or 3… only the first one. Is this fic really worth continuing? I'm not being rude in the least, I just don't want to waste my time writing on a story that no one will read. I seriously have trouble writing FF if I don't have some sort of motivation – 90 percent of the time, I'm neglecting school work when I write, so writing a story no one is reading is a lot like studying for a test no one will grade… just pointless. Let me know what you guys think; even if you tell me to just drop it, that's fine. Keep on keepin' on!