AUTHOR's NOTE: So it's been a really long time since I've posted any fanfiction because some rather big life events got in the way BUT that doesn't mean I've stopped writing! Kind of.
I've had this chapter written for the longest time. But only recently finished it. I contemplated not posting it all because it's been so long and may not fit well with the story but upon going through the reviews, messages and encouragement I received from this story, I'm posting this chapter. Many assumptions have been made about this story and no one has correctly figured out where this story is going.
No, Beckett is not pregnant. Sorry! I was hoping I wouldn't have to write that in an author's note and instead just let the story flow, but who am I kidding? It's been months and I still get the occasional message telling me to do research on pregnancy! LOL Thanks for the advice anyway (no sarcasm intended) and thanks for all the messages and reviews (Positive and Negative).
If you're still reading this story (and you first started reading it when it was FIRST published) then THANK YOU! I may or may not continue this story after posting this chapter so if I don't, I hope it was at least slightly enjoyable!

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from Castle.

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It was hard for him to understand anything that Beckett was going through. Essentially, it was completely impossible. He'd never suffered those kinds of wounds before. Physically, mentally and emotionally. He couldn't begin to imagine what it must be like inside her head. It didn't appear as though she was dealing with it either. All the time they had spent together since her accident was…off. There was no better way of putting it. It just didn't seem right.

Kate found herself thinking about an unexplainable dream she'd had about a father and his son. She had no memory of anyone with a son, let alone a male specifically. She frequently began thinking about how lucky she was to have only lost a few years of her life. There was always something worse than what she experienced. However, it was still a frustrating experience. Everything she'd been through already with the accident, she could handle, but then she woke up from her coma and everything was different.

"Lanie didn't mention Captain Gates?" Castle said as cautiously as possible. He was completely unsure of how to tackle the situation, which is very possibly the reason Lanie might have avoided it. How do you explain to someone the death of their Captain and friend? How do you explain a shooting at a funeral?

She stared at him for a few minutes before speaking again. Another event to add to the list of things in her own life she had no recollection of. The death of Roy Montgomery. She searched as far back as possible in her mind for something, anything that could trigger some small memory of Captain Montgomery just before he passed away.

"Right," she said slowly, nodding her head slightly, "Captain Gates," the words almost came out as an exasperated sigh. She looked down at her fingers and tried to hold back tears. She slowly brought her hand to her chest to feel the wound on her chest from the day of Captain Montgomery's funeral. It was all so much to take in all at once from one person. Her head panged with pain a little and her chest hurt with sadness. What she wanted most right at that moment was to get out of her own head. Was she really as strong of a person as everyone thought she was? She was doubtful.

"Kate, saying that you've been through a lot is the understatement of the year. So, I'm not going to pressure you into talking if you don't want to. I'm going to change the subject right….now," Castle looked at his watch briefly and then back at Kate to see how she'd respond. The last thing he wanted to do was upset her further.

"I'm fine," she furrowed her brow slightly and visibly swallowed. When in doubt, fake it until you make it. No one knew what was inside her head, except her.

"No one can understand the pain you're experiencing. I don't know how I can help you, I wish there was something more I could do for you. I know you have to just let everything sink and everything you've been told might not actually be everything," Castle blinked slowly without taking his eyes off Beckett.

That was exactly what frustrated Kate the most. She needed to have several other people fill her in on her life journey and experiences. Was all the things she'd been told, really everything that had happened in the past few years?

"You wanna know what you can do for me Castle?" Kate turned to face her partner with a solemn expression on her face.

"Yes, I'll do almost anything."

"You can help me investigate," she said as a small smile crept up onto her face.

Castle raised his eyebrows at her in response.

The only way she felt she could get out of her own head was to get somebody else in it. She wanted to mask everything she was feeling by losing herself in what felt like her work. Losing herself in an investigation with the one man's company she supposedly never got sick of, Richard Castle.

. . . . . . . . . . .

It was almost as though Castle's presence was a beautiful distraction to Kate from the mess she'd woken up to. She was taking baby steps to remembering her life and though it was unpleasant in parts, there were also those moments she'd wish to never forget again.

"Hmm, why don't we try a little meditation?" Castle put his novel down and turned to Beckett. They had been sitting and reading together in silence for half almost an hour.

"Excuse me?" she said, staring at him with a look of disbelief in her eyes.

"Just start off by clearing your mind and breathing at even pace," he replied in a soothing voice.

"Meditation? Castle, really?" she said cynically, completely ignoring what he'd asked her to do.

"It's just a way of clearing your mind and being more open to the flow of memories. Mind exercises," he shrugged and raised one eyebrow.

She stared at him blankly for a couple seconds before speaking. "You literally just made that up, didn't you?"

"Just close your eyes please," he said in the same soothing voice.

"How about I just silently listen to you talk? That's clearly where this is going Castle," she smiled.

"Yes, good. Thank you," he held back a laugh. "Now…. Close your eyes."

"I'm not meditating Castle."

"Well, you never used to until recently," he widened his eyes at her.

"I meditate!?" she frowned and observed his cheeky smile, "Nice try," she said as she rolled her eyes. Hesitantly, she closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

"Oka-ay. Just picture what I'm saying. Visual the words that come out of my mouth…" he trailed off and closed his eyes.

Resisting the urge to burst out into a fit of laughter, Beckett obliged as Castle opened his eyes and saw the small smile on her face.

"Now think of your life as a see-saw. It has its ups and downs, just like a see-saw," he said, closing his eyes again.

Beckett raised one eyebrow as she began sifting through memories of life's ups and downs, soon realising she couldn't remember many of life's "ups" due to recent events. Her eyes snapped open in frustration.

"Castle, is life supposed to consist of multiple "downs" before you see another "up"?" she said quietly.

He opened his mouth to speak but she didn't let him.

"Oh wait, my life did have an "up" recently. My big screw-up!" she sighed.

"What are you talking about?" he asked quickly, as to avoid being cut off again.

"I screwed everything up Castle! This situation right here is totally my fault! My secrecy has now stopped us from moving forward. How can you be so understanding? I was hiding something from everyone who's important to me! My friends, my Dad… you! But you don't seem to care at all," she said as she looked out the window.

"I trust you," he responded calmly after a minute of silence between the two of them, "I know you Kate. I know that you would've kept that from me for a reason. A good reason. I believe that."

She looked him straight in the eye, "I don't." she said.

He looked down in sympathy.

"I don't know me! I don't this Kate Beckett. The one who's accomplished so much with her mother's case. The one who was once an FBI agent," Kate slowed down and briefly looked away before continuing, "The one who finally figured things out with you, with us. The one who stopped being afraid and got what she deserved. Why would anyone screw that up?"

He blinked not knowing how to respond.

"Kate, I'm sorry. I want to be able to reassure you and make things better," he spoke slowly, "but I can't. So I'm just going to be honest with you."

She looked at him with a slightly worried expression, waiting for him to speak of some horrible truth. What would he say? That he was tired of her complaining? Tired of her altogether? That this screw-up was too big to fix?

"You've been in this room way to long," he said casually, "when are you okay to come home?"

"Go home? With you?" she said.

"If you think I'm letting you live alone in your apartment then your head injury is much worse than they thought," he stood up and looked at Kate's chart at the end of the bed, pretending he knew how to read it.

"But…" she pursed her lips, unable to find a valid argument. Things seemed to be moving so fast for her. She sat silent for a moment, thinking about living with Richard Castle. How else would she get her life back on track, if she rejected what would've been normal before the accident.

"Your home or mine?" she said with a smirk.

He shot her a cheeky smile.

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A/N: Is the continuation of this story to be or not to be? That is the question. ;)

Thanks for reading!