I was right the last time.

It was day five… so today is day six. And today, I'm angry.

I'm angry because he's not letting me remember anything.

It was in the morning, and as usual, my stare was as blank as the walls I was peering at. And it was quiet. And it was cold. Yes, maybe it was finally winter… I wouldn't be able to spend Christmas with her this year. It only made me sink deeper into my depression, the never ending tendrils of hurt and aggravation at myself snaking around in my mind.

And it was quiet. Until he knocked.

There had been a fair few knockings, but I always sent them off. They understood. They understood what it was like to lose loved ones, yes. But they didn't understand quite enough. She wasn't just a loved one. She was the one I shared my very soul with, and for that reason, I felt as if they were a million miles away. They didn't understand how she had saved me from the bitter feelings that had been eating away at me, how she made me feel important, and how I valued her far over anything in my life… So when they knock, they knock and I know he's aggravated. Because he was supposed to be my best friend, and I was slowly dying in this empty house alone.

I had friends, but it wasn't the same.

It's selfish.

I'm selfish.

But the only thing that can help me is having her back. And that's impossible. And they tell me this over and over but I don't listen. It's been six days since I've gone into school, since I've really slept or ate or done anything in my life. This house is my shelter. And it's like I'm snowed in.

"Soul, open the damn door!" The yelling makes me slowly drag myself to my feet after listening to it for a good few minutes, and with a shudder I slide the lock to the door open just a fraction and peer out. He's there, with his weapon, who looks as exasperated as ever.

"Soul, you can't just stay in there! Come out, we'll take you out somewhere, right, Tsubaki?"

Yes, Soul… come on, come out with us. Please? We'll get you anything you want."

"…."

Do you know what I want, Tsubaki?

Do you know what I really want?

He may be some kind of God, but its impossible, Tsubaki.

So no, you can't get me anything I want.

I can understand that they don't like the look of me. I can see it burning in their eyes, their pity like wild fire that melts the cold around me and turns it to subtle anger. I hate it. I hate them thinking that they need to mother me. I don't need them. I don't need them. And its taking me a while to answer, so they are staring at me intently, each second meaning the fires grew on and on. He is getting annoyed. I can tell.

"Soul, snap out of it man, there's nothing we can do! We all miss her, but staying in here isn't going to solve anything!"

Black*star has really grown up, you know. Since the making of Spartoi, he is no longer a child. He's still egotistical and arrogant, but he's manageable now, and he talks sense, and he's calmer. But he is still the same Black*star. No doubt, he's as devastated as the rest of us are at my meisters passing, but they will get over it. I wont. Looks like I need to grow up, too. But I don't feel like growin' up. And my lack of replies only make him madder.

"Oi, Soul, damn it! I'm talking to you, so listen when I'm speaking!"

"…Go away Black*star." The words are mumbled, and I go to shut the door but he rams his fist in the gap and stops me from closing it. And now I am getting angry.

"I don't want to talk, so get the hell away!"

"I'm not leaving you in here to die, you idiot!"

"Whatever! I don't need you to help me with anything, so for Gods sake just forget me and leave."

"… Soul, you're pathetic! You've been in here moping all week, not answering us directly, never picking up the phone or anything. You know Liz came round here the other night? She got you a new jazz record. So why the hell didn't you open the door, even though you know damn well she came 'round specially for you because she left a message, huh? You think you can go on acting as if we never existed for the rest of your life? Seriously, this isn't the Soul I know, this isn't cool at all, Soul. You're weak, and you're dying here, and all because you can't get over it-"

And suddenly, I don't know what I am doing, but both of my fists are clenching the material at his throat, and he allows it, he allows me to lift him off the ground violently so we are nose to nose, and I am snarling, I'm snarling like a damn animal with my canines bared, and all I want to do is rip his throat out. Tsubaki is looking away. She has been ordered, it seemed, not to interfere by her meister.

"Get over it?" I manage to choke out, my teeth ground together so hard they are almost cracking. His face is dark, and his eyes are fixed on mine. "Get over it? Oh, Black*Star, you know what? I'll tear Tsubaki apart, and then I'll toss her over to you before she dies so you can watch her fade in your arms. Then I'll make sure to tell you to get over it. How cold. I mean, you don't even give a damn. You can't feel anything. Do you even have a heart? Do you even know how much she meant to me? Do you-"

It hurts. He hit me, square in the face, and it hurts like hell because my head whips to the side and I choke before letting him go, and he's breathing heavy, and so am I as I look back. But y'know what is hurting more? My pride. And his pride. And for that reason, I can't look him in the eye. That wasn't a friendly punch. And it wasn't a warning punch. My eyes had black rims around them before from sleep deprivation, and now one was turning pretty shades of green and blue and mauve too… Tsubaki is fretting.

"B-Black*star, no!" She immediately grabs him from behind, and although he struggles he in no way going to hurt her. So he stops struggling, and she puts him far away from me, where he looks like he is going to charge me at any second in anger. What I said stung him. I can see it scrawled all over his face. And he turns, and he storms away, leaving me with his weapon who does not follow. She knows where to find him after. And chasing an angry Black*star was impossible. Huffing too, I go to retreat inside, when something touches my hand, and its warm, and its soft, and I turn to realise Tsubaki is holding my hand…

…Tsubaki's holding my hand.

And tugging on me gently, she pulls me into a hug that makes me remember what warmth is.

"Soul… I just…" Tsubaki is suddenly crying. She's crying into my hair, only just slightly taller than me, and her grip turns into one of security and neediness as her breath warms the top of my head. And somehow, despite how uncool it is, I find myself with my hands linked behind her back, and I am hugging back with my head in her shoulder, and her head falls against mine. Its warm. There is this warmth that is spreading through me, and my chest no longer feels as heavy as it was.

I remember what hugging someone living feels like.

Its been six days, and I have already forgotten…

For that instant, I think there is someone who understands how it feels, maybe. There is something that is pushing me to hug her back as hard as I can, and there is something telling me to cry my eyes out with her, but I can't. I can't. I want to suddenly be there for her, and my protective nature will not allow me to break any further than I am already broken. I have to be a guard.

I am a weapon. Its my job to protect.

There is the taste of blood on my tongue…

…I guess that hit was harder than it looked.

"…Tsubaki…. It's ok… it's ok…" I whisper into the fabric of her clothing, and she sobs just as hard. I can feel my throat failing me, closing up as I feel the rims of my eyes line with that familiar substance that has been plaguing me so much these last few days.

"I-Its not ok, Soul… s-she's gone, she's gone… and you, you are left… and Soul, I want to… I-I want to look after you, too… I don't want you to be alone…. I-I can't… I can't watch you stay like this…"

"…I'm sorry, Tsubaki." My voice is low and broken, and the words are half formed, and her muffled crying is drowning out the noise. Its cold, its freezing even, but standing there with Tsubaki makes me forget the cold. It makes me forget the gnawing of my stomach against itself, how my body is shaking from so many things I can't count. How my mouth tastes of copper, and how my eye is stinging and swelling up, and how everything is aching…

"I'm sorry… I-I'm sorry…"

I'm apologising. I'm apologising and I am not sure what for.

"P-Please Soul… don't die…"

"…."

"You don't understand how much you mean to us all, Soul." And there is the beginnings of a sad smile on her face, only just about evident, and I stare at her as she is against the crook of my neck in wonder.

"You're so fun to be with, and you make us laugh a lot… y-you're music is beautiful, and the way you used to smile was so cute, Soul. It made me laugh a lot. It was like you were clueless to what you were doing…" Her words are marred by her tears, but she continues any way. "You are super smart and fast when we are fighting, and you're a t-talented basketball player… you always found ways to bring the group together, and although you tried to be quiet, the sparkle you a-always had in your eyes whenever someone called you cool was adorable… you're a living thing, Soul. We are living things, and we think, and we feel, and w-we miss things. And we're not alone, because beyond our partners are other partners- our friends. Our friends are our partners, and we love them, and in turn they love us back and we are family. Soul… Y-You're like family, and I can't watch a family member die... u-understand…?"

I blink.

And I blink again.

Did she just...?

Tsubaki has a way with words, and I can understand now how she is the one who can calm Black*star down the quickest... By now, I can't help but let the tears slide down my face quietly as my breathing stops. Family…? I had a family? Oh, I had a family before- they hated my taste in music, favoured my brother, and didn't care when I came to Death city to work as a weapon. I disliked that family. I disliked them a lot, and it made me feel as if I could never have family ever again. But, looking back, whenever I was upset, this other family was always there for me. Patty was there to always hug me in a stupidly tight fashion, and Liz was always there to chat with me about our music tastes. Kid was always my source of entertainment, and it was fun to play fight with him (because he hated it, and yet, I almost always lost), and Tsubaki, Tsubaki was always caring and loving everyone around her.

And Black*star… he's my best friend. My best friend.

I am not alone.

I am not alone.

I'm so selfish.

I slide my hands away from her so that I can put my hands on her shoulders, and so that I can hold her back and look at her with my battered face, my body still shaking, and so that I can smile at her with those brutalistic teeth of mine that she didn't mind. It's a deformed grin, but its still powered by the kind of love that I rarely showed to anyone else but her. And looking back, Tsubaki is flushed, and she grins too, just as shakily, and we both look pathetic standing there in the cold, crying our eyes out.

"I wont die. I-I won't die; Cool guys like me don't die that easily."

I am determined.

"I believe every word of that, Soul..."

And her voice is so tender...

"...Thank you, Tsubaki. I guess I lost my way... I was an idiot to see that you guys were not there for me from the beginning... I-I'm so, so sorry..."

"No, don't be sorry Soul. We love you, so there is no need to be sorry, or to thank us... its what we are here for."

I bow my head to her in thanks, but really, I can't thank her enough for making me feel as if I wasn't invisible. I want to bow down and kiss her feet and worship her and show her what her words mean to me.

I am not alone.

I am not alone.

Today is day six, and as I wave good bye to Tsubaki, I feel as if the stone on my chest is melting like ice near a fire, and curling a hand over my collar bone, I realise that I'm breathing, and I'm thinking, and I am not an object and that people love me.

Its quiet. And its cold.

And I'm alone in my house.

But I'm not alone in spirit.

And I leave it a few hours, before picking up my house phone, and dialling in a short combination. And I wait. It takes a while. But it picks up. I ask for him. I ask for my best friend.

And I apologise.

And I tell him that I will keep living, for them. And he laughs, and calls me an idiot. Typical, so typical, but at least it makes me laugh too.

Its day six.

Its day six and I have a family that I forgot I had before.

My friends are my family.

I love you. And I will never forget you.

But I am not alone.


For some reason, this one was kind of hard to write. I wanted to make it different, and I don't know why, but I got really emotional when I was writing it. I guess its because I kind of know first hand how Soul is feeling. Its been rough IRL recently, and I guess its what is kind of inspiring me to write this.

Triell, when someone close to you dies, trust me, the pain goes on and on for days and weeks and sometimes, people never get over it. I know first hand. So buy it, and TY for compliments ;)

Aaahh, thank you all for your nice comments, I love you so much ;_; I feel so loved ; o ; I hope I can keep delivering good chapters and such! And I hope I pulled this off, I am really worried that I screwed up here!

Reviews feed this authors boiler for heat- its -4 degrees Celsius in my country, and this weather is killing me as it slowly gets further and further below freezing point ;_; xxx